Broke My Own Heart in A Million Pieces

[Stevo117]

Looking for any advice/hope.

 

Been with her since I was 19 (now 28). We were first everything for each other. In June 2010 I proposed and she said yes we were so happy. I decided to move home and so did she so we could save money to first buy a condo and then second pay for our wedding.

 

Bought the condo in 2011 and after 6 months of me renovating it myself she moved in. Then we immediately started wedding planning and by January 2012 I started getting insane cold feet. Panic attacks, freak outs the whole thing. I did what I thought was responsible and I told her. At first she was supportive but after a month or two (wedding now 4 months away) I guess she couldn't handle the stress and got fed up and left. By this time I realized that my fears were going to ruin a beautiful relationship so I decided to beg her to stay. I'm talking trying dates, couples therapy, gifts, talking, everything I could think of to keep her but she was so broken.

 

One day after all the emotions I woke up and she called me and said it was all cancelled. I spent the next few months begging her to stay together but she just wouldn't. I was so crushed. Then she told me she couldn't be around for when the wedding date came and had a chance to go volunteer in Africa. I tried to be a bigger man and supported her despite my pain. She left and while gone I sold the condo, packed all her stuff, dealt with the lawyers and finances and gave her more than her fair share of the condo money.

 

I moved in with a friend and decided I didn't care anymore I would get her back one day and marry her. But first I needed to fix myself and get my confidence back. I did therapy, lost 20 lbs, and even dated a little to learn about attraction.

 

Eventually she and I talked (actually we never really broke contact even when she was in Africa) and met to finalize some thing and immediately started sleeping together. The spark was still there! So I decided I needed a plan and thought taking it slow was best. I didn't bother her much and every so often we would meet for sex and cuddling. Then I started mixing in a few dates because I could tell this was hard on her and even planned to take her away for a weekend.

 

Then after 5 months of this she begins getting very very distant, not talking and when she doesn't talk to me I start pressing her for why? And in late December she says she's still so hurt and has cried after every time she saw me. She told me in January she just wanted space to clear her head but she knew she loved me and wanted to know I'd never let her down again.

 

So I didn't want to give up. I felt like I was losing her all over again and I lost control. I kept talking it out with her back and forth trying to convince her I'd never screw up again. I begged, I pleaded, I wrote letters, emails, a few times I cried and called her way too much. She repeatedly asked for space but I guess I was so scared of going through the pain all over again I just lost control of my emotions. I gave her space for a week here, 10 days there but would always break no contact trying to calmly reason with her to get back together. Everytime she said even if she was 30% ready shed take me back but she's still to hurt. She's always said she feels my absence and it's hard.

 

Finally I pushed too hard I think. I had a completely breakdown at work and I sent her an email and when she didn't respond I texted her like crazy asking her to call me (never mean or rude). Later that night I decided this had to stop and I needed closure so I texted her sister telling her to tell my ex not to hate me and that I love her and am sorry to her and her family. Finally my ex calls me very upset that I broke NC again and said that she loves me deeply, knows everything I've said is true but she needs me out of her life because it's too hard for her to forget the past when I'm around. She doesn't know what the future holds and I said "what if you never call" and she got sad and asked me the same question. This girl is very confused but she knows she needs space and now I have no choice but to give it.

 

I'm planning on giving her 4-6 months no contact at all. I will continue to work on myself and be the best version of me I can be everyday. But I'm so scared she won't call or talk to me ever again and well never be together again. Does anyone out there think there is any hope for us? I will call her in 4-6 months when I am ready emotionally again and just ask her to get coffee...does that sound good? Will the time apart allow her to see we're meant to be?

[todreaminblue]

I feel for you, one thing i really feel in my heart is that separating hardly ever works.......the longer the time apart the more distance you get from reconnecting....i have a real strong sense of de ja vu writing this like i have written it before....anyway......if anything is worth saving you dont leave it to congeal before you fix it.......... and try to bring it back, it is a lot easier to bring something back if there is no separation in the first place,if you break a bone, you dotn let it set so you have to re break it and set it properly...same with relationships .....you go seek therapy and a doctor to fix that broken relationship and not try and let it set by ignoring it for months......if you truyl want to fix the relationship then try to fix it sooner than later.....i wish you all the best ....you must sometimes realize however you try and fix something it will never be as good as it was ....unbroken.....you have to accept that and work with what is now and not before....hugs.....deb

[Stevo117]

I know I have no choice now but to give her space and hope she sees how good we were together and the space and time allows her to miss me. I'm so emotionally exhausted and so is she so at least a little time in needed to just cool down and see where things are in a little while. We both know if we ever got back together we would need some couples therapy but I just can't give up on the love of my life. I feel such guilt and shame for hurting her so much but I know I've got to keep moving on and if I still feel the same about her in sometime (I know I will) then hopefully shel be open to talking. Who knows, maybe shel even contact me before then.

[CaliBabe]

Wow I can't imagine how you feel. I understand that you want to make things work but you have to realize that you cannot force someone if they are not ready. As a woman, your wedding day is the day you dream about. She made plans and everything was all set and as you can now imagine she was probably so hurt and embarassed. No woman wants to feel like she isn't a gem to be treasured. I do however understand your point of view and expressing your feelings to her is not wrong and good communication is very important. So do not beat yourself up about that. I would highly suggest giving her some space. Keyword there is some. 4-6 months of NC is very rash and could be the end. I think you should give her a few weeks to a month or so and come up with a solid plan to present to her in making things worse. I want to caution you on constantly calling and coming off as desparate, that is never atttractive. Do your thing, keep moving forward, have good positive energy, and most important a solid plan on how you and her can move forward. Keep us posted and good luck!

[destroyed4sho]

Sounds like you have GIGS.

If you wanted her back so bad why didnt you go through marrying her?

[Stevo117]

I think part of my cold feet was GIGS as well as not being sure I was the man I wanted to be. I realized a lot of that was false and begged her to stay with me. I even offered to go to city hall to get married and then have the big ceremony later but she was too hurt. I screwed up bad with cold feet, maybe I don't deserve another chance I don't know. I just know I love her more than anything and I've professed this to her endlessly. I can't beleive this happened to a couple like us. I broke her heart and in the process broke my own. She never deserved any of this pain and now I may never get another chance with such a genuinely amazing girl. I know she still loves me but may never get past the pain.

[Mack05]

I think Stevo your ex is very conflicted and confused, but from reading your post I would be very surprised if you get back together. I think her trust and faith in you is shattered. All the crying, begging and pleading has done is push her further away. You are the one person she probably thought could never hurt her this way. The crying and begging just adds to her belief, that maybe you are not the strong man she thought you were.

 

She loves you, but she no longer trusts or believes in you in the same way. The longer she takes the less likely she will be back. The catch 22 is, if you push her and don't give her space she won't be back anyway. Also, there may be stuff with her she is not telling you. Maybe she too was having second thoughts. Maybe there are other issues that you are not aware of. Who knows.

 

If she does come back you need to offer her more. Firstly you need to figure out EXACTLY why you panicked and got cold feet. There is a reason this happened. You need to get to the bottom as to why. You may think you know, but I guarantee you there is more to it. Your gut feeling and/or sub-concious was telling you something wasn't right. You need to figure out exactly what that is. Otherwise how can you regain her trust? What's stopping you not having more panic attacks? If she comes back there is no guarantee this won't happen again, until you figure out EXACTLY why you got cold feet..She knows this too. Your explanations and proclamations of everlasting love, thus far have not worked.

 

Your panicking now cause you feel her slipping away. This loss of emotional control is clouding your judgement. Any promises you make not are empty one's and she will see right through that.

 

I would go to more therapy and look for the answers. You need to be completely honest with yourself and your therapist. This is key, honesty. Keep going with the physical exercise. Read self help books. Getting past your breakup and the power of now are great books. I think you need to use this time for self improvement.

 

Maybe after 6 months write her a letter. Start the draft now. It will change quiet a bit over the next 6 months. The harsh reality though is that this relationship has probably run it's course and at some stage you are going to have to work towards the acceptance of that. I think she will be back before 6 months to tell you it's over. Give her the letter anyway (it will help you move on and help with closure).

 

There is no point in beating yourself up. This happened for a reason, maybe it just wasn't meant to be for you guys. Maybe she thinks the right guy for her doesn't get cold feet. Who knows.

Edited March 12, 2013 by Mack05

[KatZee]

Yes, you got cold feet, but at the end of the day you were honest. I think that says something about you. Your desire to acknowledge the issue and to get to the source of it.

 

You've also since then, done everything and tried everything to show her what you're saying is true and that you'll never hurt her like that again.

 

I honestly would not be surprised to find out that maybe SHE was feeling her own doubts about the upcoming wedding and that's why she hasn't come back. I think this split forced her to face a few things. I feel if she was so deep in love and saw a future with you, she'd be with you.

 

Yes, you're fighting for her, but she needs to do the same and she needs to want to put in the effort to make the relationship work as well. She's entitled to feel hurt but if she was so in love and still saw things with you, she'd make it work she wouldn't just push you out of her life.