Snowflower Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Okay, someone else here has to have dealt with a similar situation. I was a BW 4+ years ago. H and I reconciled but have had a very difficult time but we still hang in there. We sure took "for better or worse" part of our marriage vows to heart, even if he forgot some of the others. Anyway, we moved to a new state a couple of years after the A and consequently have been making new friends. My H has become pretty good friends with a group of guys who are really decent guys, such a welcome change from the friends he had when he cheated! Anyway, they are really more his friends than mine although H and I have done things socially with these guys and their wives/SO's in a large group. One of these new guy friends of my H very recently confided to my H that his wife had cheated on him. Bear in mind no one here knows of our marital troubles. The poor husband was distraught and while I don't know a lot of the details (neither does my H), it appears the couple is going to try to reconcile. I DID trigger pretty bad when H told me about it. But it also made me realize how much I have healed. Yep, on the 2-5 year scale, it was 4 years for me! Anyway, this guy has been confiding a lot to my H and while it is of course up to my H how he wants to handle it, I feel so bad for this newly-betrayed husband. He really has no clue about what has changed in his life. He has just joined that club that no one really wants to join. All those things I learned from my own journey and from reading LS have really come to the forefront. I wish I could somehow share what I learned but I don't know that it is appropriate or even how I could do this. Again, this poor guy is already on the rollercoaster and is confident they can make it through it and I hope they can. But his naivete is sobering. He has no idea the how potentially lethal this poison is that has just been injected into his marriage. So, to other BS or even WS who dealt with this scenario, what did you do when faced with this situation with family members, friends, colleagues, acquaintances?
eleanorrigby Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Your husband is talking to him, I think that's good. If you wanted to send a "hang in there, we support you" message through your husband, that might be appreciated (if this guy knows you husband shared this info with you) I wouldn't try to talk to the guy personally about his problems unless your husband is with you.. and that just sounds too weird. This might be good for you and your husband as well, my husband and I sometimes approach our issues by first talking about someone else that is going or gone through the same thing.
leonine Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 We learned how tragically common infidelity is when my BH confided in some of his closest friends about our situation. One couple really gave us hope that we could get through this and come out happy on the other side. They really were a blessing to us. Maybe discuss with your husband how he would feel about sharing your experiences with his friend. I'm sure it would mean a lot to him. 1
Author Snowflower Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 Your husband is talking to him, I think that's good. If you wanted to send a "hang in there, we support you" message through your husband, that might be appreciated (if this guy knows you husband shared this info with you) I wouldn't try to talk to the guy personally about his problems unless your husband is with you.. and that just sounds too weird. This might be good for you and your husband as well, my husband and I sometimes approach our issues by first talking about someone else that is going or gone through the same thing. No, I would never talk to the guy one-on-one. I don't know him all that well and it would be weird for me to do that. 3
Author Snowflower Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 We learned how tragically common infidelity is when my BH confided in some of his closest friends about our situation. One couple really gave us hope that we could get through this and come out happy on the other side. They really were a blessing to us. Maybe discuss with your husband how he would feel about sharing your experiences with his friend. I'm sure it would mean a lot to him. Thank you. I was going to leave it up to my H. I just feel so badly for this guy. He reminds me of some of the newly-betrayed spouses who post here on LS. 2
underwater2010 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 First off....has your husband spoke with him about your guys experience? If not, I would volunteer this info. Let your husband talk about how he handled the fallout and what to expect from his WW. Do Not volunteer any information unless this friend asks you for help. And even then...DO NOT become the shoulder to cry on. You can however guide his WW.
nofool4u Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Again, this poor guy is already on the rollercoaster and is confident they can make it through it and I hope they can. But his naivete is sobering. He has no idea the how potentially lethal this poison is that has just been injected into his marriage. He is devastated and this is all new to him. He is what I call the desperation phase. He's been dealt a huge blow and he is desperate to hold on to his familiar life. That all might change once he has had time to process it all and his naivete may turn into anger and he won't be so naive after that. So, to other BS or even WS who dealt with this scenario, what did you do when faced with this situation with family members, friends, colleagues, acquaintances? Well I may be different, but I ended up telling people. The x-wife didn't want me to tell anyone because she wanted to save face, and I wasn't interested in helping her save face. 2
waterwoman Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Poor bugger I was so hopeful just after d-day that I just had to try to forgive, and he had to go NC and be sorry and if we just hung in there it would be OK....ha! I have never been through anything so hard in my life. I am worn out with it all. And I am not sure that what he have is enough anymore. I am not sure what I'd advise someone in his situation. Smile and encourage him or just say it's not worth it. But I am feeling quite low at the moment so maybe next week I'd feel different, 1
freestyle Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Have your H give him a copy of "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass-- It could be very helpful, and provide valuable insight..... 3
Author Snowflower Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 First off....has your husband spoke with him about your guys experience? If not, I would volunteer this info. Let your husband talk about how he handled the fallout and what to expect from his WW. Do Not volunteer any information unless this friend asks you for help. And even then...DO NOT become the shoulder to cry on. You can however guide his WW. No, he has not spoke of what happened to us. He and I are both unsure that we want that to be general knowledge among this social group. We don't want to be known as "that couple." Thanks for your advice. Don't worry, I won't be talking to this guy one-on-one. 1
Author Snowflower Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 He is devastated and this is all new to him. He is what I call the desperation phase. He's been dealt a huge blow and he is desperate to hold on to his familiar life. That all might change once he has had time to process it all and his naivete may turn into anger and he won't be so naive after that. Actually, I am hoping this guy gets to that point because he is very much in the desperation phase where he thinks it will all get better. He just has no idea.
Author Snowflower Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 Poor bugger I was so hopeful just after d-day that I just had to try to forgive, and he had to go NC and be sorry and if we just hung in there it would be OK....ha! I have never been through anything so hard in my life. I am worn out with it all. And I am not sure that what he have is enough anymore. QUOTE] Yeah, I remember that feeling in those early days and that is where this guy is right now. I'm glad I'm not at that point now, as mean as that sounds. 1
Spark1111 Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 You two can talk in the hypothetical, like I did with my children about drugs and alcohol. I would talk of someone we knew who experienced a, b, and c, and what they did to overcome it. I would never name names. Why not do the same? A little white lie that imparts lots of wisdom, guidance and web site info? His cousin and his wife,maybe? how they overcame it, what they went through and experienced, the IC and MC they sought? The skills they developed to talk of it.....you get the idea? What was almost a deal breaker and how hard it was and what needed to be done and the roller coasted they rode? Always give hope.....and a shoulder to cry on! Snowflower, you must both be doing something right! The fact he even confided to your H says he perceives you two as tight and strong and a couple to aspire to! Kudos to you and Mr. Snow. This new friend trusts and and is choosing to share. please take it seriously...and try to do what you can....through that cousin who is doing prett da well now, KWIM?;) 2
Author Snowflower Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 No Kudos to Mr. Snow. Or Mrs. Snow for that matter, as she also should know better. Because he doesn't have all the information he is entitled to have about Mr. Snow before making this sharing decision, because both Mr. and Mrs. Snow have chosen to conceal Mr. Snow's infidelity from the friend. Mr. Snow is playing the new friend for a fool. Why? Who knows. Maybe he is vicariously living out another affair--the opposite of true empathy. Maybe he is fantasizing about how HE might be able to be the OM for the new friend's wife, were circumstances a little different. It really doesn't matter other than to expect Mr. Snow to have "pure" motives is a bit naive. Which is proven by his lack of honesty with his "friend." I believe that there is no way a freshly-betrayed spouse would want to knowingly confide in someone else who screwed up their own marriage by cheating if they knew about it. Such a person would be considered utterly untrustworthy with such confidences by a freshly-betrayed spouse regardless of whether the cheater, over four years' time, had regained the trust of the person they had cheated on. I suspect Mrs. Snow posted about this because on some level SHE is uncomfortable for her husband playing this role especially by deception/lying by omission to the newly-betrayed husband. Not telling the whole truth, when it is reasonably likely knowing the whole truth would influence the other person's opinions or actions, is what cheaters do. Telling "white lies" in this situation given the magnitude of it and the status of Mr. Snow, is exactly the wrong advice. Unbelievable that as a betrayed spouse yourself you would be advocating Mr. Snow to lie to the betrayed husband he is posturing as a "confidant" to. No, Mr. Snow should either withdraw entirely OR immediately and honestly tell his new friend that he himself was recently a cheater, caused a lot of damage to his own marriage, and give the friend a chance to decide FOR HIMSELF whether such a person is appropriate as a confidant. The BS as in "bullshirt" never ends with cheaters, or their enablers, does it, even when the enablers are internet friends? "White lies" my AZZ. Good grief. Thank you for taking the time to respond. Your advice is duly noted.
Author Snowflower Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 You two can talk in the hypothetical, like I did with my children about drugs and alcohol. I would talk of someone we knew who experienced a, b, and c, and what they did to overcome it. I would never name names. Why not do the same? A little white lie that imparts lots of wisdom, guidance and web site info? His cousin and his wife,maybe? how they overcame it, what they went through and experienced, the IC and MC they sought? The skills they developed to talk of it.....you get the idea? What was almost a deal breaker and how hard it was and what needed to be done and the roller coasted they rode? Always give hope.....and a shoulder to cry on! Snowflower, you must both be doing something right! The fact he even confided to your H says he perceives you two as tight and strong and a couple to aspire to! Kudos to you and Mr. Snow. This new friend trusts and and is choosing to share. please take it seriously...and try to do what you can....through that cousin who is doing prett da well now, KWIM?;) Good advice and thank you. We'll see what happens and take it from there.
Spark1111 Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Really??? You believe it's good advice that you and your husband not only lie by omission to the friend by failing to disclose that your husband cheated, but also to lie in the affirmative by claiming the cheating was done by "cousins" or other people which is where you come by your knowledge of cheating? Do this and it is almost guaranteed that your recovery will end up proving to be false and your marriage will not make it. You are basically telling your husband that it's O.K. for him to lie. Do you think once he gets that permission to lie from you, to anyone, about anything, that he is going to limit it to just lieing to social acquaintances about things you don't believe directly and personally affect your lives, i.e. these white lies would basically just be for you/your husband's social amusement and ego gratification? Ok, Recover.....you have moved and rebuilt and reconciled and forged a new, healthier relationship with each other and have a solid base of seemingly happily married friends when one man confides to your fWS that his wife has just cheated on him and he is reeling and seeking advice. You seek to balance the new health of your relationship with lending a shoulder to to cry on because you empathize with the plight of a person in pain, one you both know all too well. What would you do? I believe the health and strength of the new relationship comes first, and it is no longer anyone's business what you and your spouse have endured. That is private, just as I NO longer tell people about my H's affair. Why, oh why, would I YEARS later divulge that? That is so disrespectful to my H. So punishing to him. With that being said, Mr and Mrs Snow still have some good advice to give and do not have to divulge how or why they know it is good advice to seek a counselor and mention a web site or two. PULLEAZE. I am the poster child for mental illness having grown up with a mentally ill parent. I have read, educated, know of so many resources to help a person dealing with the mental illness of a family member, BUT WHY do I have to report the source and cause of my knowledge? To divulge that would be sooooo disrespectful to my mother. NOT happening. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Spark and Snow, Your discourse is great. Hopefully that BS is going to be able to pull through and find some happiness. But ladies, I suggest you watch the thread and the patterns in it and don't finish that whole bowl of duck soup by getting the thread closed. Ok, Recover.....you have moved and rebuilt and reconciled and forged a new, healthier relationship with each other and have a solid base of seemingly happily married friends when one man confides to your fWS that his wife has just cheated on him and he is reeling and seeking advice. You seek to balance the new health of your relationship with lending a shoulder to to cry on because you empathize with the plight of a person in pain, one you both know all too well. What would you do? I believe the health and strength of the new relationship comes first, and it is no longer anyone's business what you and your spouse have endured. That is private, just as I NO longer tell people about my H's affair. Why, oh why, would I YEARS later divulge that? That is so disrespectful to my H. So punishing to him. With that being said, Mr and Mrs Snow still have some good advice to give and do not have to divulge how or why they know it is good advice to seek a counselor and mention a web site or two. PULLEAZE. I am the poster child for mental illness having grown up with a mentally ill parent. I have read, educated, know of so many resources to help a person dealing with the mental illness of a family member, BUT WHY do I have to report the source and cause of my knowledge? To divulge that would be sooooo disrespectful to my mother. NOT happening. 2
Author Snowflower Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 Spark and Snow, Your discourse is great. Hopefully that BS is going to be able to pull through and find some happiness. But ladies, I suggest you watch the thread and the patterns in it and don't finish that whole bowl of duck soup by getting the thread closed. Yes, I've been around these forums for a long time. I'm not a newly betrayed spouse or anything like that. I know exactly what is going on. Thank you to all who have posted. Hopefully the BH will be okay. It is way too early to know what he will decide. Like Nofool4U mentioned, it is my hope that this BH will start to see the reality of the damage that has been caused so that he can make good decisions for himself. There are young kids involved so it is really a sad situation all the way around.
Owl Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Here's a thought...why not simply have your H suggest to his friend that he google for "infidelity" and "support forum"? Or just go ahead and give him the suggestion to come here and post on his own? 3
dreamingoftigers Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Here's a thought...why not simply have your H suggest to his friend that he google for "infidelity" and "support forum"? Or just go ahead and give him the suggestion to come here and post on his own? I was thinking the same thing. What I couldn't get around was passing BH a napkin reading "loveshack.org" It sounds kind of.... Not like a relationship support site. But you thOught it through better than I. 1
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