AnotherRound Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 This has been a pretty common theme on here, and we often focus on what is "hard" after the affair. I think we should talk about positives after the affair - for those who are nearing that conclusion, or already there and struggling... What positives have come from the ending of your affair with a MM/MW? Whether you ended it or they did - what positives have come out of that ending? For me, I am much more focused on my life than before. I was able to take on a new contract, which is a fantastic fit for me and I just finished a 90 day review where I was given glowing feedback about my work. I even got some comments from co-workers on my review that I was surprised about - things they noticed about my work that I had no idea they were paying attention to! I'm not sure that I could/would have taken this contract if I was still with exMM, nor am I sure I could have focused as well and put so much emotional energy into it as I am bc the affair took a LOT of emotional energy from my resources. I also bought a new couch recently - lol. Pretty silly little thing, but the other couch was one that exMM really liked, I never did - so this new one is ALL me. And SO comfy for ME. And my style, not exMMs, lol. Just like with my divorce all those years ago - I can so clearly see the things in my life that wouldn't have been possible or happening if I had stayed in that situation. What say all of you? What positives are you experiencing / reaping in your life now?
HeartWon'tHeal Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 AnotherRound, You asked a great question and I have been thinking about my response. I have learned so many things I could write a book. I have learned what love is and what love is not. I am much wiser but still always learning. The grass is not greener on the other side. I was looking for something that was missing in my marriage and I thought I found it with xMM. He used me and dumped me and left me with a broken heart. We seem to want what we don't have and are rarely satisfied with what we have. I have figured out what I am really searching for and why I did what I did. I do regret having the affair and it has changed my life but I am thankful for the good that has and still is coming from my mistake. HWH 1
wannabdone Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Postitives are definitely being able to focus on your real life. Enjoying your time, not having to worry about your phone, or who see's it, or having to be attached to it in case you get a message. I have definitely become a better mother. My mind isn't always on someone else, and what is going to happen and when. I am able to live for the day, and take charge of it. I have enjoyed not having to lie about what I'm doing, the freedom to be able to argue and speak my mind, because I don't down deep feel so bad for what I am doing. I have learned, that although my love for the OM was very real, and it will never totally leave me, that it just wasn't the time for us. Just because it didn't work out the way you had hoped, doesn't mean there wasn't real love. Acceptance of the situation and your life, will bring you much peace! 2
Silly_Girl Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 I loved him very much, and we had a year in the affair and a year where he had moved out and we were an 'official couple'. We couldn't take things further after that, mainly geographical/work/family commitments, I was heartbroken but it couldn't have worked. But the time I spent after that really had me doing some heavy soul-searching, most of which centred around how hard I found being in an EMR/LDR and what I really, REALLY wanted in a new relationship. So much so I did a list of must-haves and nice-to-haves. I stuck to it religiously (no longer trusting my 'gut' or 'chemistry' to find me a decent man) and I stumbled across the most amazing guy. We get married in July and our relationship just keeps getting better and better. If I hadn't been in the affair relationship I think it's possible I might have had less sharpened senses about the whole relationship thing and could have settled for 'fine', 'okay' or 'nice' instead of what I have. 2
MissBee Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Like the end of all relationships that didn't/couldn't work, it helped me to be more clear on what I did want and what I didn't. What I could handle and couldn't. I am glad I had the A at a young age, I feel like the lesson has been somewhat mastered, where I am less inclined to get caught in that situation if it should arise in the future. I also learned a lot about compatibility and it's importance, as well as compatibility not being everything, and that loving someone doesn't always mean you will have a successful/healthy relationship and love without the right circumstances often means this isn't "it". That was a very positive lesson for me and one that has shaped my subsequent views on embarking on relationships and deciding what is/isn't worth it and how to love someone but also knowing when it's not feasible and when to let go. 1
Sarabi Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Its raw and hard right now but thanks to the lovely ComingInHot and a couple of other friends I hope it will get better. One of them wrote this for me earlier: "I have experienced a painful but enriching experience. I have loved. I have learned. I am blessed with the ability to move ahead in my unique life path with my youth, my beauty, my intelligence, my health and my emotional and spiritual health that I continue to work on..." I thought I should post it here to help us all I guess you can edit it in any way you want but perhaps use it as an affirmation..or something.
Author AnotherRound Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 I loved him very much, and we had a year in the affair and a year where he had moved out and we were an 'official couple'. We couldn't take things further after that, mainly geographical/work/family commitments, I was heartbroken but it couldn't have worked. But the time I spent after that really had me doing some heavy soul-searching, most of which centred around how hard I found being in an EMR/LDR and what I really, REALLY wanted in a new relationship. So much so I did a list of must-haves and nice-to-haves. I stuck to it religiously (no longer trusting my 'gut' or 'chemistry' to find me a decent man) and I stumbled across the most amazing guy. We get married in July and our relationship just keeps getting better and better. If I hadn't been in the affair relationship I think it's possible I might have had less sharpened senses about the whole relationship thing and could have settled for 'fine', 'okay' or 'nice' instead of what I have. I so agree (and love!) this post of yours! I feel the same way - that I learned so much about myself, my wants/needs because of the relationship I had with exMM. I think that he and I both really grew as people form our experiences with one another, and wouldn't trade that growth for anything. And yes to the sharpened senses! I am also currently in a fantastic relationship with a new guy and find that I too won't settle. I wasn't really ever one to "settle" per se - but I did tend to believe that marriage was supposed to be a certain way, whereas now, I'm sure (after seeing how unhealthy exMMs was!) that there is a better way. And if not, then I still want no part in anything remotely similar to that kind of complacent relationship (not that all marriages are like that, this is just one that was). 1
cocorico Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 Our A ended by him leaving his BW, and the most positive thing to come from the ending of the A is that we are now together full-time.
Author AnotherRound Posted March 16, 2013 Author Posted March 16, 2013 Our A ended by him leaving his BW, and the most positive thing to come from the ending of the A is that we are now together full-time. In your opinion, was it better for his exW too? I don't remember if the exW in your situation fought the divorce - but I find it fascinating at times how hard people fight something only to learn after the fact that it was the best thing for them. I did that in my marriage - fought to keep it even though deep down, I knew it wasn't going to make it and we would be better off. I still don't understand why I did that - other than fear maybe?
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