Am I supposed to be Freakin Grateful to OW?????

[HopingAgain]

So last night my husband tells me that he found out through his friend that OW had moved out of state. I asked him how the conversation even came about and he told me that a mutual friend of him and his best friend, had called his friend and told him since they all used to hang out. And for some reason my husband's best friend thought to share this with my husband.

 

My reaction wasnt very pleasant. I was actually upset as my husband told me this out of the blue and I was already having a bad day. My husband thought the news of her moving would bring me some relief from these 2 months of hell I've been experiencing. since Dday and NC started. But it made me angry and just triggered me bigtime. Am I supposed to be happy and grateful OW moved away? Like all is well in the world now and we can just forget about everything? And I resent that I never got a chance to really confront her or ask questions, and nowshe gets to go off into the sunset without a care while I am left to pick up the peaces from the mess she and my husband' made! UGH!

 

I know some BS are happy and relieved when OW moves far away, or at least wish she would! But for me it just feels like she gets to move forward, WH gets to move forward, and Im left holding the pain!

[HopingAgain]

I get you...it sucks and it's one of the most unfair situations I can think of. You did nothing wrong but you get all the pain.

 

((((hugs)))) to you!

 

Thank you, bringontherain! It does suck, and what's more, Im confused by the feelings I have too. I have silently wished for a scenario like this, and now that it's happened, I just feel more uncertainty!

[BetrayedH]

He found out from a friend of a friend, huh? Just sayin' that sounds sketchy.

 

And hopefully your WH gets the fact that the OW was not as much the problem as your WH's willingness to have an affair with her. Unless all of the women in your town are moving away, you have a problem until he fixes himself. The threat was not the OW but your H. "Hey honey, there's one less vagina in town. Less likelihood for an affair. Isn't that great for our marriage? I hope you're happy about the good news."

 

Idiot.

[BetrayedH]

Thank you, bringontherain! It does suck, and what's more, Im confused by the feelings I have too. I have silently wished for a scenario like this, and now that it's happened, I just feel more uncertainty!

 

We spend a lot of time looking for a silver bullet solution to make us feel better or more secure. I desperately looked for a solution (even thought that quietly having my own short-lived affair would help me shed the insanity). The OW moving away sounds great but it's a short-lived celebration because you know your H is the problem. What sucks is that there are NO quick fixes. What helps the most is seeing your husband's consistent actions over time (which, as you notice, is a four-letter word).

[HopingAgain]

He found out from a friend of a friend, huh? Just sayin' that sounds sketchy.

 

And hopefully your WH gets the fact that the OW was not as much the problem as your WH's willingness to have an affair with her. Unless all of the women in your town are moving away, you have a problem until he fixes himself. The threat was not the OW but your H. "Hey honey, there's one less vagina in town. Less likelihood for an affair. Isn't that great for our marriage? I hope you're happy about the good news."

 

Idiot.

 

I would think it's sketchy too.if the mutual friend wasn't DHs former coworker, who hooked up my husband and OW! My husband no longer hangs out with him but the guy is also good friends with my husband's BF.

 

And what you said is also the reaction I had. It's not that our marriage will be magically fine since OW is gone, the main issue is that he was willing to cheat in the first place!

[HopingAgain]

We spend a lot of time looking for a silver bullet solution to make us feel better or more secure. I desperately looked for a solution (even thought that quietly having my own short-lived affair would help me shed the insanity). The OW moving away sounds great but it's a short-lived celebration because you know your H is the problem. What sucks is that there are NO quick fixes. What helps the most is seeing your husband's consistent actions over time (which, as you notice, is a four-letter word).

 

I can so relate to the feeling of searching for a quick fix to end the pain. I considered taking up drinking to cope or have a revenge affair too, but I refuse to trade in my integrity and pile more pain on top of this mess. The sad part is my husband REALLY thought this news would make me feel better, but he was probably also hopinf I would lighten up on him! Yes, timee will surely tell if he is being sincere or not. I can't wait until our marriage retreat and counseling begins so we can really start the healing and repairing process!

[veryhappy]

It hurt because it didn't provide the relief you imagined it would.

 

Nobody asked you to be greatful, but if you count your blessings that's much better than dealing with a bunny boiler who won't go away.

 

I don't know your story, but if she moved away as a result of the A, trust me, she's in a lot of pain.

 

Now it's you and him and the M, and all it's left to do is addressing the issues there. The third part is permanently gone.

[leonine]

Yes, affairs really are completely unfair. It's a big bag of poo dropped on your doorstep and it sucks. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

 

If you really think that your husband is just moving forward and isn't really sharing in the pain that you're feeling, well that's an issue. He might not be doing a good enough job of showing you that he's remorseful. On the other hand, he may be truly remorseful, but you're still reeling from the shock and can't see beyond your own pain yet. I think that's normal. It took my BH some time to realize how badly I had hurt myself as well as him. Not saying that it was equivalent, but once he realized that I was suffering badly too, it was a big step forward for us.

 

Give yourself time to process everything. There is no timeline and it's going to take whatever it takes. If you have questions for the OW, go ahead and ask them when you're ready. They probably have phones and email wherever she moved to. She may blow you off, she may respond nastily, or she may answer sincerely. Be patient with yourself though - you didn't ask for this and you're just doing the best you can.

[MissBee]

So last night my husband tells me that he found out through his friend that OW had moved out of state. I asked him how the conversation even came about and he told me that a mutual friend of him and his best friend, had called his friend and told him since they all used to hang out. And for some reason my husband's best friend thought to share this with my husband.

 

My reaction wasnt very pleasant. I was actually upset as my husband told me this out of the blue and I was already having a bad day. My husband thought the news of her moving would bring me some relief from these 2 months of hell I've been experiencing. since Dday and NC started. But it made me angry and just triggered me bigtime. Am I supposed to be happy and grateful OW moved away? Like all is well in the world now and we can just forget about everything? And I resent that I never got a chance to really confront her or ask questions, and nowshe gets to go off into the sunset without a care while I am left to pick up the peaces from the mess she and my husband' made! UGH!

 

I know some BS are happy and relieved when OW moves far away, or at least wish she would! But for me it just feels like she gets to move forward, WH gets to move forward, and Im left holding the pain!

 

Hi Hoping,

 

I can definitely understand how you feel. I think on both sides there can be a focus on, an often imagined , peace and freeness to move on of the other. On the OW board some OW express the same feelings that when NC is instituted after dday and the marriage is being reconciled, MM/BS get to move on and be happy in their life, while they are thrown under the bus, forgotten and elft alojne and in pain while the married couple "have each other", and for you, you feel like OW gets to move away and move on while you're stuck.

 

It may or may not be true. Often both sides are going through it and often no one has "gotten off scot free." Saying that to say: although you feel that way, she may not at all be happy and moved on, but has her own pain and consequences she is dealing with/will have to deal with. No use imagining that she is off living some carefree life, as I am sure it will only make you feel worse. So I'd just think: she has her own shytt she will need to deal with and I'm gonna focus on mine. I'd also let myself be angry at my husband and explain to him exactly how I felt about his announcement. I think definitely part of the anger is at him and just the fact that he created this whole mess and thought somehow he was helping you by telling you that, when he really wasn't. Be mad at him and let him know you get it...but it still upset you. Maybe that will help you to not be as angry about it, if you can just express it.

[HopingAgain]

Yes, affairs really are completely unfair. It's a big bag of poo dropped on your doorstep and it sucks. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

 

If you really think that your husband is just moving forward and isn't really sharing in the pain that you're feeling, well that's an issue. He might not be doing a good enough job of showing you that he's remorseful. On the other hand, he may be truly remorseful, but you're still reeling from the shock and can't see beyond your own pain yet. I think that's normal. It took my BH some time to realize how badly I had hurt myself as well as him. Not saying that it was equivalent, but once he realized that I was suffering badly too, it was a big step forward for us.

 

Give yourself time to process everything. There is no timeline and it's going to take whatever it takes. If you have questions for the OW, go ahead and ask them when you're ready. They probably have phones and email wherever she moved to. She may blow you off, she may respond nastily, or she may answer sincerely. Be patient with yourself though - you didn't ask for this and you're just doing the best you can.

 

Thank you! It's been horrible and my anger comes in ebbs and flows, I will think Im over it and then it picks up steam right where it left off.

 

To my husband's credit, he does seem to be genuine in his remorseful behavior. His sociallife has ground to a halt pretty much unless my kids and I are involved and with him. He is looking forward to our retreat and subsequent counseling too, and trying to reassure me ( albeit clumsily). We just have a long road ahead and I really hope I'm doing the right thing in giving him another chance.

[ComingInHot]

HopingAgain: "Like all is well in the world now and we can just forget about everything? And I resent that I never got a chance to really confront her or ask questions, and now she gets to go off into the sunset without a care while I am left to pick up the peaces from the mess she and my husband' made! UGH!"

 

There is just something about being "left". Left with the crap, pain, and issues from an event such as an A.

I completely GET what you are feeling!

I think that is why I had to be the one moving on and physically at that! I left to start my next big adventure and my H chose to come with us*

We DID ride off into the sunset and carry on with our lives.

 

Unfortunately... the SH$T from his A came along on the trip too. It was better that we left but we (I) was still having to deal with the repercussions from his A. And exow still tried to tag along via email harassing.

 

What I am trying to say is, even though she "left" to carry on, don't be so quick to think she is riding off to live happily ever after. Life is hard work. We all make horrible choices and whether we pay for them now or later doesn't matter. Point is, we all will pay at some point.

 

Check out your H's "source". I would question who DIRECTLY gave him the information about exow moving.

A. He is or was contacted by exow

B. This "man" who hung out w/your H and exow is still contacting your H (which is kind of a deuchy thing to do)

C. It may give you peace of mind to know either way how the information came about.

 

I wish you all the best Hoping*

CIH

[HopingAgain]

Hi Hoping,

 

I can definitely understand how you feel. I think on both sides there can be a focus on, an often imagined , peace and freeness to move on of the other. On the OW board some OW express the same feelings that when NC is instituted after dday and the marriage is being reconciled, MM/BS get to move on and be happy in their life, while they are thrown under the bus, forgotten and elft alojne and in pain while the married couple "have each other", and for you, you feel like OW gets to move away and move on while you're stuck.

 

It may or may not be true. Often both sides are going through it and often no one has "gotten off scot free." Saying that to say: although you feel that way, she may not at all be happy and moved on, but has her own pain and consequences she is dealing with/will have to deal with. No use imagining that she is off living some carefree life, as I am sure it will only make you feel worse. So I'd just think: she has her own shytt she will need to deal with and I'm gonna focus on mine. I'd also let myself be angry at my husband and explain to him exactly how I felt about his announcement. I think definitely part of the anger is at him and just the fact that he created this whole mess and thought somehow he was helping you by telling you that, when he really wasn't. Be mad at him and let him know you get it...but it still upset you. Maybe that will help you to not be as angry about it, if you can just express it.

 

I really do appreciate this! For a while now, I've been so focused on trying to make things better, I've pushed aside my anger for WH. That started to be remedied last night after his announcement, I laid into him quite a bit and he was so surprised that I am "still" so angry! It's gonna take some time for him to really grasp what he's done to us, me, and himself!

 

What you said about OW makes sense. She was disappointed and upset when WH initiated NC with her, and I found out that she wanted a real relationship with WH and he was only wanting fun. So her moving away abruptly like this may be a clue that she had much more invested emotionally than WH.

[HopingAgain]

HopingAgain: "Like all is well in the world now and we can just forget about everything? And I resent that I never got a chance to really confront her or ask questions, and now she gets to go off into the sunset without a care while I am left to pick up the peaces from the mess she and my husband' made! UGH!"

 

There is just something about being "left". Left with the crap, pain, and issues from an event such as an A.

I completely GET what you are feeling!

I think that is why I had to be the one moving on and physically at that! I left to start my next big adventure and my H chose to come with us*

We DID ride off into the sunset and carry on with our lives.

 

Unfortunately... the SH$T from his A came along on the trip too. It was better that we left but we (I) was still having to deal with the repercussions from his A. And exow still tried to tag along via email harassing.

 

What I am trying to say is, even though she "left" to carry on, don't be so quick to think she is riding off to live happily ever after. Life is hard work. We all make horrible choices and whether we pay for them now or later doesn't matter. Point is, we all will pay at some point.

 

Check out your H's "source". I would question who DIRECTLY gave him the information about exow moving.

A. He is or was contacted by exow

B. This "man" who hung out w/your H and exow is still contacting your H (which is kind of a deuchy thing to do)

C. It may give you peace of mind to know either way how the information came about.

 

I wish you all the best Hoping*

CIH

 

It's good to hear that you and your husband had a good resolution and have been able to move on! I have talked to my husband about moving as I want to be closer to my family and we are looking at next year. *fingers crossed that all goes well*

 

The more I think about it, I suppose OW is not getting off scott free after all. She wanted more with my WH, and I "ruined" that for her.

 

I have been doing some behind the scenes checking up and Im almost positive WH didn't get the info directly from OW. The other possibility of him speaking with the former coworkers involved is more likely, but since his best friend is close to his coworker that's also likely as they talk about everything!

[whichwayisup]

Your husband needs to tell his bestfriend and the mutual friend to STOP informing him of what the exOW is doing PERIOD. It's wrong of them to bring her up, discuss her with him. All that does is keep HER in his mind. And that's not helpful at all! No focus should be on her at all. She is not any part of his or your life so who the heck cares where she is or what she is doing. Tell him that he needs to tell them to not bring her up anymore.

[leonine]

Not to sound flippant, but you might want to clue him in that, yeah, anger is probably going to be an issue for a while. I'm the FWS, but I'm always blown away by other WS who come with this "you're still angry/hurt/sad/untrusting/whatever?" attitude. I mean, how pissed would he be if your roles were reversed? Blah...

[HopingAgain]

To clear up any confusion, WH went to visit his best friend yesterday (which I know for a fact) and his friend is the one who told WH about his exOW moving. The coworker was taking about it to the best friend and he supposedly relayed the conversation to WH. Which is very likely because his BF is very gossipy and unfortunately knows way too much about our situation

[HopingAgain]

Not to sound flippant, but you might want to clue him in that, yeah, anger is probably going to be an issue for a while. I'm the FWS, but I'm always blown away by other WS who come with this "you're still angry/hurt/sad/untrusting/whatever?" attitude. I mean, how pissed would he be if your roles were reversed? Blah...

 

Amen to this! If the shoe were on the other foot, he would fall apart! I think his ability to be empathethic in the long term is gonna factor in huge in our recover efforts.

[HopingAgain]

Your husband needs to tell his bestfriend and the mutual friend to STOP informing him of what the exOW is doing PERIOD. It's wrong of them to bring her up, discuss her with him. All that does is keep HER in his mind. And that's not helpful at all! No focus should be on her at all. She is not any part of his or your life so who the heck cares where she is or what she is doing. Tell him that he needs to tell them to not bring her up anymore.

 

All of this! These "friends" have been another thorn in our side because they truly aren't friends of our marriage! Husband has had a hard time with distancing himself from these chums he's had since high school, but they are toxic! I am going to try to discuss this calmly again with him tonight.

[whichwayisup]

All of this! These "friends" have been another thorn in our side because they truly aren't friends of our marriage! Husband has had a hard time with distancing himself from these chums he's had since high school, but they are toxic! I am going to try to discuss this calmly again with him tonight.

 

Yes, they are toxic and they are a cancer to your marriage as they never did have your H's best interest at heart. They knew of his cheating and were on board with it, which means they are NOT your friends at all, even if they were his. Screw that. He has to choose between that life of lying and cheating, having friends who helped him out to cover it all up, or you. He can't have it both ways. You won't be able to fully trust him, I mean since these friends have tabs on exOW, who knows how often they talk about her with him. Or even possibly (sorry to bring it up) helped him break NC with her or even see her.

[HopingAgain]

Yes, they are toxic and they are a cancer to your marriage as they never did have your H's best interest at heart. They knew of his cheating and were on board with it, which means they are NOT your friends at all, even if they were his. Screw that. He has to choose between that life of lying and cheating, having friends who helped him out to cover it all up, or you. He can't have it both ways. You won't be able to fully trust him, I mean since these friends have tabs on exOW, who knows how often they talk about her with him. Or even possibly (sorry to bring it up) helped him break NC with her or even see her.

 

Exactly. A lifestyle change is in order as these particular guys love to remind WH of his "glory days" as a bachelor.

[HopingAgain]

I do not believe they had NC but I can tell you this, if she moved away, then she wants NC. And that is good news to you.

 

Through some surveillance of my own when I was snooping to gather details, I have confirmed they have been in NC since a week past D day, almost 2 months now. But hopefully yes, OW is at a point where she wants to continue NC.

[HopingAgain]

Yes, cut him off from everyone, give him no choices, put a PI on him, tape his phone calls, that works.... LOL If he wants to see her, you will not be able to stop him, if you want to trust him, you have to ....simples, if not, get divorce.com

 

Loss of trust is a natural consequence after a betrayal like this. It has to be earned back through time and effort on his part. Until then, this type of stuff is par for the course.

[MissBee]

I really do appreciate this! For a while now, I've been so focused on trying to make things better, I've pushed aside my anger for WH. That started to be remedied last night after his announcement, I laid into him quite a bit and he was so surprised that I am "still" so angry! It's gonna take some time for him to really grasp what he's done to us, me, and himself!

 

What you said about OW makes sense. She was disappointed and upset when WH initiated NC with her, and I found out that she wanted a real relationship with WH and he was only wanting fun. So her moving away abruptly like this may be a clue that she had much more invested emotionally than WH.

 

Yea I can imagine that the anger is in many layers and will come up and need to be let out over time. You probably have a lot of anger and resentment that hasn't even surfaced in your consciousness and I'm sure that will trigger you in all kinds of ways. I totally understand. Never been a BS but certainly know what it is to be resentful of someone while also attempting to reconcile the relationship and some days you feel like you can do it and other days it's like FUCHK YOU! And you just want to kick them out of your life for good or sometimes when things seem better you're like wait...I need to remember to be angry, I can't allow them to be forgiven so easily. So totally understand and I do hope that you can successfully navigate this time.