Wellington Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 When ending your A, do you wonder if the OM/OW is thinking of you and missing you as much as you miss them? Do you silently/secretly wish THEY would break the silence and fight for you? Some days are easier then others. I'm still being strong and haven't given in. I just sometimes wish I knew he was hurting too. Banging my head off walls again....
AnotherRound Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I think it's pretty naive to think that anyone you've been intimate with doesn't think of you (not that I think you're being naive). Of course they think of you - and you them. Heck, I still think of my first boyfriend from high school from time to time, ya know? I remember a convo with exMM once - he was terribly honest with me about this and just kind of spilled his guts. He said, "You don't have to worry that I'm not thinking about you, trust me on that one - I'm ALWAYS thinking of you. I think about you every single day and miss you constantly." There's no reason not to believe him - and in time that will fade (maybe already has, no idea, I don't give him a chance to tell me nowadays, lol). I find that I think of him often, fondly - but it lessens as time goes on - just like it has with any SO I've had over the years. It's a common feeling to think that you are hurting worse than the other person when a break up happens. And I guess sometimes that is true - but I haven't seen it IRL. What I've seen and experienced is that both people are thinking of the other - missing certain things, maybe being relieved of certain things - but still thinking of the other person. What would it do for you to know that he IS thinking of you? Or missing you? Validation maybe? I get that - but you can validate that yourself I think by knowing that it would be damn near impossible for him to NOT think of you - if he has a human brain and memories. I mean, this isn't Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, right? 3
psm04 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 When ending your A, do you wonder if the OM/OW is thinking of you and missing you as much as you miss them? Do you silently/secretly wish THEY would break the silence and fight for you? Some days are easier then others. I'm still being strong and haven't given in. I just sometimes wish I knew he was hurting too. Banging my head off walls again.... Hi Wellington, The first time that me and my MM seriously ended things, I wondered the same thing, and did the worst thing possible by emailing him to see whether he was over it. Big mistake, and please don't do that. Know that he is thinking of you. A or not, you were a part of each other's lives in some way, and you can't just forget it one day. I'm hoping that it gets easier though 1
LadyGrey Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 It's a stage that you go through, perfectly normal, but try not to obsess about it. We all like to think that we meant something to someone and we hope they don't forget us but when you are in a better place it won't matter. Personally, I don't think of it and don't care, one way or the other. 2
Author Wellington Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 Thanks everyone. I don't get it. I was totally at a place for the past few days where I didn't care and felt great. Today, I feel crushed. I guess I thought (and this is awful) that he would email me as he usually does and I would get the chance to "ignore him". Isn't that awful?!?! I guess not seeing anything made me a little sad to think that maybe this time he is going to leave me alone and this isn't hard for him at all. How do you love someone and not at least say HI?!?! I'll be fine. Just having a bad day. Had too much time at work to log into my email and think about it too much. I feel like crying. Wish I wasn't at work....
Catplates Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Yes of course. I know he was because we were seeing each other for almost 4 years. NOw.. well I rarely ever think of him, and what he does really isn't important now. 1
wisernow Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Thanks everyone. I don't get it. I was totally at a place for the past few days where I didn't care and felt great. Today, I feel crushed. I guess I thought (and this is awful) that he would email me as he usually does and I would get the chance to "ignore him". Isn't that awful?!?! I guess not seeing anything made me a little sad to think that maybe this time he is going to leave me alone and this isn't hard for him at all. How do you love someone and not at least say HI?!?! I'll be fine. Just having a bad day. Had too much time at work to log into my email and think about it too much. I feel like crying. Wish I wasn't at work.... I think more than a few people here can relate. From my experience, all I can say, is any attempt at breaking the NC does nothing but spin you in the other direction from healing from the A. His saying "hi" or whatever (even if you ignore) is likely a temptation and a fishing expedition. For me it was better to have complete zero contact. Did it hurt like hell? Yes. Did I feel the way you are feeling two years ago? Yes. But, it does get easier, and in time, he will be just a pleasant (or not) memory. I actually now admire the exmm for honoring NC, even just to say "hi". 3
AnotherRound Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Thanks everyone. I don't get it. I was totally at a place for the past few days where I didn't care and felt great. Today, I feel crushed. I guess I thought (and this is awful) that he would email me as he usually does and I would get the chance to "ignore him". Isn't that awful?!?! I guess not seeing anything made me a little sad to think that maybe this time he is going to leave me alone and this isn't hard for him at all. How do you love someone and not at least say HI?!?! I'll be fine. Just having a bad day. Had too much time at work to log into my email and think about it too much. I feel like crying. Wish I wasn't at work.... Nothing wrong with wanting to PROVE to yourself that you can ignore him and hoping for contact for that reason - makes sense. But, just because he isn't contacting you doesn't mean he isn't thinking of you - I mean, you aren't contacting him either! I hope the day gets better for you - I hate days like that, the ones that just drain me of my energy and emotional get up and go. It will get better in time - it will subside. It's just a feeling - it's not permanent and it can't kill you (not minimizing, but feelings are fleeting!). Hang in there...
Patrice Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Yes, they think of you ... the important thing to realize is, that it ended for a reason. In my case, haven't seen him in nearly two years .. but there are moments that he reappears. I have had to put the brakes on nearly 20 times in the past two years, hoping we can be friends still, but it always comes back to wanting to reengage in something that was harmful to me as a person. He is at a point, where he says his marriage will be ending, mine did before I engaged with him. It was his kids, he says .. and of course a horrible unloved life with his wife .. which I don't know or suspect he was fully truthful about. I don't know how I feel about him anymore, the wounds were pretty deep. I will say and I have told him, I do not want any contact with HIM until he fixes his own stuff. I'm not willing to be a bandaid for a life he has chosen to be in, I am worth more than that. That took a great deal of time for me to realize ... and also, he is trying to prevent me from moving on to a healthier and happier life with someone else. That tells me, he is not capable of loving me the way I need to be loved because it is manipulative and selfish on his part. Love shouldn't be about what you can't have or inserting yourself into a person's life in fear of them moving forward ... love should be about supporting a partner no matter what they choose to do in the aftermath. 4
Sarabi Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 When ending your A, do you wonder if the OM/OW is thinking of you and missing you as much as you miss them? Do you silently/secretly wish THEY would break the silence and fight for you? Some days are easier then others. I'm still being strong and haven't given in. I just sometimes wish I knew he was hurting too. Banging my head off walls again.... Given what he just said to me a couple of hours ago, I don't know anything anymore :-( I won't thread jack...but I'll update you all in a few days when I get a chance. At the moment I feel ok but really...who knows how I'll feel. Someone you were close to just being cut out of your life just like that...its not easy. I will come and join you in the headbanging against the walls soon ... 1
who_am_i Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I wonder every day if its just has hard for him. Things didn't end well and I wonder if when he does, he'll only ever think about me negatively. I know we can't be together, but the thought of him regretting what we had makes me incredibly sad.
Pierre Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 When ending your A, do you wonder if the OM/OW is thinking of you and missing you as much as you miss them? You broke up with this guy. Why do you want to know if he thinks about you?
HeartWon'tHeal Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I too wonder if he thinks about me or ever cared. Thinking about this brings me down so I choose not to wonder anymore. It's time to move on with my life. 1
Pierre Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I too wonder if he thinks about me or ever cared. Thinking about this brings me down so I choose not to wonder anymore. It's time to move on with my life. It is over. So why wonder?
Silly_Girl Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 During the split I had those "does he think of me? Is he upset?" moments. And was astonished, later, to find he was in an even worst state than I had been. It wasn't really relevant, though, if you see what I mean. 1
Bailey14 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Jesus Pierre! Because they are human! I don't know you but, I like you!!! 2
psm04 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Jesus Pierre! Because they are human! Exactly. It doesn't matter that it is over or not. With a normal relationship or marriage, it is a little bit easier to not think and wonder, but with an A, especially one that wasn't just based on sex, it is like unrequited love. People fall for each other, but they couldn't make their love permanent, or even close. So it is very difficult to just let go. Today was the first day that me and my MM didn't say hi or bye at work (not a word). At the end of the day, I was also left wondering whether he missed saying hi, and whether he's going through the same thing as I am. And I think that I will do that for a long time. 1
loredo21 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 right?! I mean, I am working on R with my H. But I would be lying if I said I nevvvvver wondered if exMOM thinks of me. As much as we would like to rewire our brains, it is just not that simple. Even if I am focusing 100% on my M now, the thoughts still creep in. Yes, after 7 months they are no longer that important to me and I no longer dwell. Just give it time. I completely agree with you psm. It is like a love story of star-crossed lovers. May be a fantasy, but that is why it is so hard to let go. Getting over a "normal" relationship or marriage is so much easier because you have seen that person warts and all, and probably gotten sick of them and can move on much quicker. In an A everything is beautiful and blissful. You don't see the bad things. You miss the feeling they gave you. They hurt you and you are hurting. It would be nice to know that they are suffering in their minds as well. Just a little bit. 2
psm04 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I'm in the same boat as you except that mine has only been over for a day! I do hope that things get easier as time goes on, but I know that I'll probably never forget him. I am also putting the focus back on my M, but he is on the back of my mind as well. He's probably going through some stuff also, but he has kids, and they are his world, so i'm hoping that it is a little bit better for him.
ComingInHot Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 loredo can I ask you a question w/my fullest sincerity? Do you wonder if exmm thinks of you... in the same way you think of him in hopes it's not one-sided? Or so the the entire A doesn't feel pointless or friutless? Or could it be a tiny little bit of ego? I'm sincerely curious. Because once in a great while, I'll think of past boyfriends I dated and (w/out "feelings") wonder if they ever once a great while think of me. Like did I have a positive impact on their lives? I think that is my ego a little...* But is it like that loredo?
georgia girl Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Here's the deal: yes, he thinks of you. And yes, you could contact him and have as much of him as you ever had back. But, it wasnn't enough then and it won't be enough now. So, here's the better part of the deal. No contact is very strengthening. You get through today and you're going to be SOOOO proud of yourself. Tomorrow may be a hellish day, too. But, it could be easy as well. You just get through them and here's another thought to help you get there: Once you do contact him and get that instantaneous reward, you eventually hang up the phone, stop texting, or meet up and have to leave again. Then, the contact stops. And you get back on the merry-go-round. Is he thinking of you? Does he miss you? Will he? Won't he? And it starts to drive you down and crazy at the same time. The greatest feeling in the world - and I know because I once ignored a chasing commitment phobe boyfriend - is when they text/email/call you and you DON'T respond. You then have all the control and it's a powerful high. Hold out and give yourself that feeling. I was never an OW or a BS so my advice may not be valid, but I'm all about empowered women. 3
Author Wellington Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 Goodness, I feel so much better knowing its not just me. Pierre, while I appreciate your (for lack of better words) "candidness", you seriously lack tact at times. Absolutely, it's validation that you "meant something" rather than JUST being a piece of A*#. Is THAT so horrible?!?' I haven't, nor will I, contact him. If he contacts me, so be it. Will I respond?! Jury is still out, but at least Im not sitting here feeling as if two years meant NOTHING. I would most likely tell him this: Thank you. For everything. I will always love you. I will always think of you. You will always have a piece of my heart. I will always wonder how you are. Meeting you would be counterproductive. You have a beautiful wife, gorgeous children and I no longer wish to take you away from them. Please know, it is for the best and I will always wish you the best. I would just like to know he feels the same and doesn't hate me for ending it so abruptly. Is THAT so awful?!
BrokenPrincess Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 loredo can I ask you a question w/my fullest sincerity? Do you wonder if exmm thinks of you... in the same way you think of him in hopes it's not one-sided? Or so the the entire A doesn't feel pointless or friutless? Or could it be a tiny little bit of ego? I'm sincerely curious. Because once in a great while, I'll think of past boyfriends I dated and (w/out "feelings") wonder if they ever once a great while think of me. Like did I have a positive impact on their lives? I think that is my ego a little...* But is it like that loredo? My thoughts were not like that CIH...every day has been filled with what ifs, wondering, wishing, missing, jealousy. And then trying to slap myself back into life as I know it now. Maybe with time it would be more like you with your ex, but with xMM, it stings every day when hurting from real feelings but trying to convince yourself it was wrong, manipulative, fake, distracting, hurtful, one-sided, etc 1
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