SmokeRat Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Coming here from the Infidelity Forums, as my wife has been having ongoing relations with a married man. Feel free to read the entire story to get the backdrop and whatnot. Any who. We have both finally come to the realization that our marriage is over, mostly because she just doesn't love me anymore. That's all fine and dandy, I'm incredibly upset and sad, but I suppose that is normal. We are both very amicable and friendly in this entire thing, neither one of us wants to drag this out, or screw the other out of what is theirs. My parents immediately went to the 'Lawyer up and hunker down' approach. Which truth be told, I just do not have the emotional energy to have a long drawn out divorce. My STBXW's mother gave me her advice from her divorce, which was to just go see a mediator, who is also a lawyer and do everything through him/her. She said mediation is a much better option, as it allows the two spouses to openly voice their concerns in a neutral environment. Now my STBXW and I have already discussed how we want to split our assest. At the moment, our house will net each of us around 20,000 to 25,000 each. That is more than enough to cover the cost of mediator fees, moving expenses, first and last months rent for both of us and so forth. Money isn't an issue for us, we both have seperate bank accounts and have never shared our expenses beyond Heat, Hydro and Internet. My question is, from everyone elses experience here, if I do go with a Mediator do I really need to drag those icky Lawyers (no offense to anyone who is on, I've just had very bad experiences with them when someone tries to sue the Fire Dept because we ruined their sofa) into this entire mess. Advice is welcome.
analystfromhell Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Absolutely go with a mediator first but it's likely (depending on each of your personalities and your state) that you each need lawyers to go over the draft agreement and submit it to the court. Lawyers are indeed icky and will do their best to wade through whatever budget you have, best to keep them at bay for as long as the mediator works.
Act Two Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 We did mediation and the whole thing cost about $3600 and we live in a big east coast city (high cost of living) so that's pretty good. We found mediation friendly lawyers recommended by the mediator. We absolutely could not afford dragging anything into court and were pretty amicable and the mediation worked well. We still aren't divorced yet but worked out all of the paperwork. A lawyer files the the mediation report after you work with the mediator (at least in my state). I think you want to look for mediation-friendly attorneys- once you find a mediator he/she can point you in the right direction.
Author SmokeRat Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 Trying to keep the lawyers at bay as long as feasible. The STBXW and I, are very amicable on the entire issue. So we're either going to go with a mediator of a paralegal since they can do the same thing, but on a more affordable budget.
Kelemvor Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Absolutely go to the mediator if you two are like minded. My ex (2yr marriage with no kids) went the lawyer route at the advice of her parents and hired the most expensive law firm in town. I had to hire someone to fend off the mountain of legal threats and extortion tactics. I ended up paying almost $40K lawyer fees between the both of us. That's minus settlement. She thinks she doesn't want anything now, but lawyer's have a funny way of changing your mind about what is "rightfully" yours. Mediator, period.
Author SmokeRat Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 We may go the route of Mediation or an even better solution would be a Paralegal, as they can do the same thing as a Mediator and Lawyer combined, but more quickly and less cost. Despite the fact that I hate what my wife did, and the person she was when she was having affairs, I do not hate the person she is. Odd as that sounds. I simply want to move on and find someone who will blindly love me and values loyalty and passion over all other things.
Barnacle-Bob Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 My W and I are doing a pro se divorce. If you guys are amicable, friendly and willing fo negotiate with each other fairly, by all means, keep the lawyers out of it. Law seems complicated, but its not difficult and you don't have to be a genius to understand it. If that were the case, there wouldn't be 180,000,000 lawyers in the US. For the most part, its fairly black and white, and the paperwork is not difficult to do on your own. For us, at the end of the day, we will have paid a small amount for filing fees and spent a little bit of time. The key is not being mad, vindictive or greedy....for both parties. Custody and support arrangements are always revisable. Just do the research on the laws in your state, and make sure you both understand them.
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