I left and I'm miserable

[RollerCoast]

This will be long sorry.....

 

I left my wife of nearly 20 years last weekend. We have 2 children. I feel it was forced upon me as she was pushing for an unacceptable situation. About a year ago I had to travel a lot for my job. We had a conversation about infidelity after she found a text message with an old friend that lived in the area I was travelling. It was a "It will be nice to see you let's get together" message. It was months later when she found the message. I was working so much I didn't ever get the time to meet up with this woman. The conversation with my wife ended when she said. "The thing is, even if you did have and affair, I realized something about my self... I won't care." MY wife is currently 38 and is not taking the "soon to be 40" thing all that well BTW. She's beens reading BDSM porn pretty much non-stop since the 50 Shade of Grey novels. Not sure if that has anything to do with it, but it can't help. A few months ago she gave me the "I'm not sure I can be with only one person sexually for the rest of my life. I'm having fantasies about things outside our marriage." I kind freaked out a bit. She said it's only my conservative background that makes me feel that way. She said they were just fantansies and I blew it off. 2 Weeks ago when I was travelling for work she give me the "Wear something sexy tonight I'm giving you a hall pass. Have fun, just don't tell me about it". I said "Not Interested, but thanks". I went out, had fun, got drunk, stayed out late, but went back to my hotel room alone. Last week she says "I hope you enjoyed your hall pass, you know I'm eventually going to want one". She was serious. I told her it wasn't ok with me, and if this is something she wants I'm not going to be here when she goes after it. I packed my stuff that night. The next day I got an apartment and signed a lease. Now she's angry at me for leaving and making it so public when a simple hall pass would have been easier. She said she loves me and wants to spend her life with me, but this is something she wants to do.

 

It's been over a week, I've seen her nearly every day doing something with the kids. Every time I leave I'm a mess. I love her and am crazy about her.

 

I'm heartbroken. She blames it on me for leaving.

 

HELP!

Edited March 12, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[worldgonewrong]

Your wife is certifiably crazy.

Stating the obvious here: but she wants you to fool around so that she can justify her own fooling around. Odds are, based on what you've presented, she might already have done so.

And she wants to have her cake and eat it too (comfort of marriage, but horsing around on the side).

I suggest either counseling or...running. She doesn't sound very stable in the head at all.

[jf2good]

She was just being normal, except for the part of telling you about what she is feeling. Yes she can blame you for over-reacting and leaving. Now both of you both get into marriage counseling. I am not saying she won't decide to have a fling down the road as she is right about monogamy, statistically we are not. However, there is a good chance she won't and everything will turn out all right from your perspective.

[ver13]

This quite a interesting request that she has come up with as to how the M needs to go forward in the future. The novels are just stories, her desire to live out her fantasy is a different thing entirely. Look you can try MC but this sounds like a more personal issue which she doesn't see as a danger to your relationship. You sound like this new life style that she wants to pursue is a deal breaker for you. So break the deal and tell her she is free to do whatever she like's if this is so important to her. Just make sure that you have all of your legal seperation paper work ready to include child support when you break the news to her. Then go NC unless it's about the kids and work on you and your relationship with the babies. The whole thing about her turning 40 soon is crap, the new found interest in BDSM is a life style choice that she will have to live by herself if your not game. Look don't waste your time with drama if she wants to go help her get out ASAP. Give her freedom to go be slaped around and degraded if that what she wants. My W read those novels and that what is going on in them people degrading people. Don't let her do this to you just to save your M. Because if this is what it will take to keep her engaged in the relationship you won't be missing anything when it's over.

[Gunny376]

Fantasies, especially those of a sexual nature, seldom if ever are able to withstand the daylight of reality. They belong in a world of their own, and most often are populated by a population of ONE!

 

 

Say what you will, and I've heard others speak of "open marriages" and the "Swinger Lifestyle" yada~yada...........................

 

But I'm of the personal opinion that one should never invite third parties into their relationship or martial bedroom. That's me and that's how I roll. To others? To each their own in so long as they leave me out of. Its none of my business, and they're not going to make it any of my business.

 

Were I you, under the circumstances you've described? I would have done the same thing you did, and not ever looked back.

 

Gunny

[TaraMaiden]

You have to get your emotional head into a practical place and just deliver the goods:

 

She is asking you to accept something you can never accept or find acceptable.

 

So actually, she can rant, rave and get angry all she likes, but these consequences are on her.

She cannot have both.

 

She either discards all these fantasies and eliminates this desire she has and commits to the fidelity she promised, in the marriage - or she accepts a divorce and does what she wants to do.

But not with your blessing, approval or you in tow.

 

not on your watch.

 

You need to file.

 

And she needs to see how different, and far more difficult negotiating life without you around, is.

 

Because all these wonderful, exotic liberating fantasies will be far more difficult to fulfil when she has the children to look after, and she will be obliged to mostly do it on her own, because she's shut you out of her life........

[rhett89]

With all due respect, your wife is absolutely wrong.

 

I can empathize with your situation, but this will not improve unless she relents. This is a draw-a-line-in-the-sand discussion waiting to happen. No matter how hard you try to accept her viewpoint, you will never be able to live with it if she follows through.

 

Either she stops and you continue to live together, or she doesn't and you fight for custody of your kids.

 

She's completely out of line.

[TailSpin75]

I'd agree with MC if she's on board. What a game changer... sorry to hear.

[Carwhisperer]

I agree with the general tone of the responses but I would add this. This situation is very serious and I think you should do your best to try to save this marriage. My advice, and this comes from a guy who failed at marriage, is to go all "Tough Love" on her. Under this scenario you don't condone nor permit the behavior. You tell her that if she has, or continues to have, extramarital affairs you will divorce her. This can also be said in a firm, yet loving way. I realize this is risky and scary and that it may not work but I think it is the best chance you have. That is my two cents.

[nooneyouknow]

I think you should be open with her. Fantasies and acting them out with other people are two totally different things. The fantasies may spice up your sex life with your wife. As long as she understands that there is that line that cannot be crossed. I would not really condemn her for having fantasies and wanting to discuss them with you.

 

But, you must decide on counseling, divorce or just talking this through. She does sound like a loose canon though. Not someone I would trust at this point.

[fred sanford]

Sorry to hear that man.....ur wife is just like mines..she wants her cake and eat it too, reality for some women is just unattainable....they wanna live a lifestyle with no consequences and still have hubby home......anyway go no contact.......how can a grown woman think that way, it makes me wanna be single for a while, women these days kill me....they can have the world then will request the universe and if they don't get it they gonna find a way to get it....man leave before it gets worse....nc is best for now !

[dreamingoftigers]

WTF is happening with these women!?

 

I tried reading 50 Shades of Grey a couple months ago because of all the raving about it.

 

Just....yuck.

 

Not the sexual acts per se, but the whole freaking "premise." just... Yuck.

 

Like the guy's a glorified, manipulative stalker with whiny issues of some sort (obviously) who just casually takes this girls virginityblah blah blah.

 

Ugh. Couldn't even get past Chapter 9 (10?). Like who gives a crap?

 

It was worse than some amatuer porn stories I read off of the net when I was 15 in my parent's basement.

 

Some days my gender embarasses me.

 

/rant over

 

Now as for your wife, SOMEONE is hitting their midlife crisis like a cannonball. I'll give you a hint...she's reading crappy book like 50 Shades, and it ain't me.

 

Good for you for leaving the situation at first. Now that she's pissed about it, talk about marital counseling or head over to Divorcebusters and do a 180.

 

I'm guessing your w is really feeling that you ain't as into her sexually, passionately as you used to be early on. She might not even think that you are capable anymore about being that enthused. She wants to relive the glory years (if she isn't already, I'd start checking if I were you. She might've given you a hall pass because she's been playing hooky for awhile).

 

Jeepers, mid-life's suck. I hope the best for you.

 

My husband put me through Hell with his sexual addiction. (claimed he couldn't be happy and monogamous yadda yadda yadda). He needed a few reality kicks to the head before getting help etc (to put it lightly.)

[RollerCoast]

We have a very active sex life. 2-3 times a week at least. I've gone as far as buying her toys, etc. I have made it clear that I would be happy and excited to be part of this with her. She says she doesn't trust me.

[Gunny376]

This is just me? Mrs. Gunny could come out tomorrow and tell me, "I'm finished when it comes to sex!" And I could and would care less.

 

Why? I didn't marry her JUST because of sex. I didn't marry her just because she's was born with a vagina. I married her, not because of what's between her legs, but because of what's between her ears! When I married her? I was looking for a partner in life, someone that gave a damn about me, who would put me before themselves, their children, their grandchildren, (And with Mrs "G" that's asking a lot). I wasn't looking for a sperm depository, nor a VLSS ~ Vaginal Life Support System.

 

I feel good and confidant that Mrs. G has my "back" in most things. That I can invest the time, effort, energy, years and years upon years with her and still reap a 1000 fold return.

 

Sex? What happens when I can't ~ don't ~ won't. What happens when my blood pressure gets to the extent where I can 't take Viagra? What happens when I come down with this, that or the other? What happens when she comes down with this, that or the other?

 

Sexual fantasy? That's what it is! Fantasy! Mrs "G" wasn't too keen nor 'hip' when it came to the clowns and the dancing Grizzly bears dressed in pink, ruffled tutu's and teras holding roses in one hand and candles in the other? :lmao:

 

I draw the line when it comes to 'others' in our relationship!

 

I don't need one of them 'there gifts' others have that keep on giving!

 

When it comes to sex? Relationships? I'm a frim believer in "Threesomes!"

 

Me!

 

Her!

 

And a MD!

 

We need to have some blood work done up!

 

Love isn't worth dying over nor for!

 

I ain't no Ms Kitty, (Ref: Ms Kitty of the show "Gunsmoke" who's DH gave her HIV/AID's)

[ver13]

We have a very active sex life. 2-3 times a week at least. I've gone as far as buying her toys, etc. I have made it clear that I would be happy and excited to be part of this with her. She says she doesn't trust me.

 

Well now what? The reason that she said this is because she wants to live this life style without you. W wants all the benefits of being M ie... bills paid, dinner at her favorite spot from you and her sex fantasy with someone else. Look you have tried to compromise and you can see what it has got you. Now it is time to put on your man pants and get somethings done the window of opportunity for a rational conversation is closed. Read the 180 and get with the program ASAP. You see all the time that you have been gone from the house supporting the family she has been at home working on something else. If she can't trust you to be her partner in this you can't trust her to have the best interest of your M in mind. Love is a wonderful thing when both parties are into it. But it can become something else rather quickly if one of you has a different agenda. I know that you love your family which is why you need to do the 180 to see where this is all going to lead in the end.

[dreamingoftigers]

Well now what? The reason that she said this is because she wants to live this life style without you. W wants all the benefits of being M ie... bills paid, dinner at her favorite spot from you and her sex fantasy with someone else. Look you have tried to compromise and you can see what it has got you. Now it is time to put on your man pants and get somethings done the window of opportunity for a rational conversation is closed. Read the 180 and get with the program ASAP. You see all the time that you have been gone from the house supporting the family she has been at home working on something else. If she can't trust you to be her partner in this you can't trust her to have the best interest of your M in mind. Love is a wonderful thing when both parties are into it. But it can become something else rather quickly if one of you has a different agenda. I know that you love your family which is why you need to do the 180 to see where this is all going to lead in the end.

 

How To Prevent a Divorce ? The Last Resort Technique | Divorce Busting

 

Okay dude, I'll bite.

 

Do you know why she "doesn't trust you?"

 

It sounds kind of like atheist scholar might be more on the track.

 

Granted the wife can't just go and play the "musical screw" game, but is there ANYTHING you might've missed or is she JUST being an overnight deviant?

 

I've got to be honest, I think she gas hit mid-life full force and will be spending some time on the planet Neptune if you don't cut the cord.

 

I would seriously call divorce busters. If you still want the marriage.

 

It seems like that book really struck a chord with a lot of women.

I will be honest, that TYPE of lifestyle did sound appealing when I was much younger. But then I got married and became a mother.

 

The though of my daughter's mom getting manhandled grossed me out. Plus, I had gone for trauma therapy over my abusive childhood and husband's infidelity, often people confuse being degraded or abused with being "passionate."

 

Our culture often sends us that message too and Fifty Shades completely reinforces it. I mean the guy shows up randomly to kind of beg and do things to her. I mean, really? Ugh. If I wanted that I'd start dating teenage boys. Hopefully wife's midlife isn't going that badly.

 

Plus with the "hall pass" it sounds like she already has someone picked out.

 

Otherwise why the Heck couldn't she role-play with you?

 

(IMHO, that's really cheesy too, but a real step up from VD-Land. With fewer rollercoasters.)

 

She just expected you to put 20 years of marriage and loyalty on hold to bone a random in your hotel room? Wow.

 

And to think I feel guilty about spending money on pizza when I'm out sometimes. LOL.

[RollerCoast]

Trust with my wife has been tough. She's only child and an ACoA (Adult Child of Alcoholics). Her mother and father were both horrible drunks. Her dad died of liver failure right after we got married. ACoAs have issues with trust, controlling anger, easily feeling abandoned. I on the other hand tell lies to evade conflict. It's kind of a bad mix. But at the end of the day I love her, take care of her, deal with her crap (there's a lot), am a good father and provider, and am faithful. I really don't get it.

[ver13]

Trust with my wife has been tough. She's only child and an ACoA (Adult Child of Alcoholics). Her mother and father were both horrible drunks. Her dad died of liver failure right after we got married. ACoAs have issues with trust, controlling anger, easily feeling abandoned. I on the other hand tell lies to evade conflict. It's kind of a bad mix. But at the end of the day I love her, take care of her, deal with her crap (there's a lot), am a good father and provider, and am faithful. I really don't get it.

 

All of these things that you have mentioned are really her issues to deal with not you. This also doesn't have any bearing on what she has asked you to do in order for her to stay in the M. When you get right down to it you are really a Co-Dependent H who has been taking care of her issues for quite awhile. People grow up in all sorts of situations which are not normal, if anything can be called normal. But they have a choice in how they choose to live their lives just like everyone else. Just like you have a choice right now in how you want to live in this relationship with your W. Either go along with what she wants or not it's up to you. But keep in mind should you choose to compromise on this issue the real games have only just got started. In the end all you have is your self respect nothing more if you are willing to give that away for someone else's pleasure then do it and stop posting. If you are not so willing then wake up and start evaluating the advice that you get here. Now some of it is BS of course what can you expect from people you don't know. But a lot of it comes from those who want to help. It is up to you to choose which ones you want to continue to chat with. But no matter which way you go don't give up and settle for something that will make you feel less than you are, you have value, you are human, and you deserve respect.

[TaraMaiden]

I think this ^^^ is an awesome post.

 

I'd 'super-like' it if I could.

 

Choices, choices, choices - what am I always sayin', people??

[RollerCoast]

I've been in the apartment for 3mos now. In the meantime my W and I spend a good amount of time together. I've been in IC and she did for about 2 weeks, then stopped. In the last 2 weeks she stopped saying I love you and was getting distant. We have not started any MC. I have been asking to begin MC throughout. I've asked her to let me come home. She says shes not sure she wants to save the marriage, but does not want a divorce. She says she just wants more time to find herself. These last 3 months of limbo have been crushing. I told her last week if we aren't in MC working towards saving our marriage I will be filing for divorce. Then, I found out last week she is with someone else. In my home no less. I feel so betrayed. When I confronted her and asked whats going on, she said it wasn't any of my business what she is doing because we are separated. Then tells me she is willing to start MC if I have sex with someone else first. I told her that I am not ok with this. Her reply was to accuse me of being too conservative and old fashioned. I'm filing as soon as I can. This whole this has been so messed up. I feel like an idiot.

[TaraMaiden]

Okay.

Read my first post again - and follow through.

[Gunny376]

I've been in the apartment for 3mos now. In the meantime my W and I spend a good amount of time together. I've been in IC and she did for about 2 weeks, then stopped. In the last 2 weeks she stopped saying I love you and was getting distant. We have not started any MC. I have been asking to begin MC throughout. I've asked her to let me come home. She says shes not sure she wants to save the marriage, but does not want a divorce. She says she just wants more time to find herself. These last 3 months of limbo have been crushing. I told her last week if we aren't in MC working towards saving our marriage I will be filing for divorce. Then, I found out last week she is with someone else. In my home no less. I feel so betrayed. When I confronted her and asked whats going on, she said it wasn't any of my business what she is doing because we are separated. Then tells me she is willing to start MC if I have sex with someone else first. I told her that I am not ok with this. Her reply was to accuse me of being too conservative and old fashioned. I'm filing as soon as I can. This whole this has been so messed up. I feel like an idiot.

 

ANYTIME! A couple involves a third party into their martial bed?

 

Equals disaster! Seperation! Divorce!

 

Either that? Or my damned lying eyes have been lying to me for the last 56 damned years!

 

She's wanting to give you a "hall pass" to alieveate her guilt for doing so.

 

ANY true PUA (Pick-Up-Artist) knows that to 'score' ~ 'nail' a piece of ass? You've got to over-come the in-bedded 'slut-factor' and associated Madona/Whore complex?

 

BDSM, wife-swapping, swinging, most any and all sexual fantasies? Are not a world, a planet, a solar system, but a universe with a population of ONE!

 

Fantasy seldom ~ if ever matches up to the reality?

 

The problem with such is that there's a lot of bio-chemical brain chemistry going on here.

 

Namely called endormines!

 

Its the reason get people addicted to and such on X, Y, or Z!

[zoobadger]

I'm not taking your wife's side here, but it might be helpful if you dug down deep in your heart and tried to see things from her perspective. That doesn't mean you have to agree with her, but a little empathy might help.

 

How many sexual partners has your wife had other than you? If she's 39 and you've been married for 20 years, I'm guessing very few, if any.

 

Add to that the fact that the kids are now getting older (I'm assuming) and they don't need her day to day as much as they once did and she's suddenly discovering she has needs. Those "shades" books certainly don't help any, as you say. So her cravings are not too terribly surprising. I can tell you from personal experience that lots and lots of middle aged moms who married very young go through the same thing.

 

But it sounds like she's still fond of you, and presumably loves you. It also sounds like she's misguided right now, but not crazy, mean or a bad person.

 

So this raises the question: how do you feel about sex? Are you truly satisfied? Do you have urges and cravings that you are ashamed of, or think of as too outlandish to contemplate in reality? Do you have secret fantasies about doing things with your wife that your religious beliefs might prohibit? If so, maybe it's time to bend the rules a little bit.

 

Why don't you have a couple of drinks, sit down with her, and have your wife describe some of her fantasies to you. Be open minded about it. Maybe you'll discover some of her ideas might stir you up a little bit. Also, tell her about your urges. Don't be shy - tell her about the co-worker or neighbor that gets you hot and bothered.

 

Generally, I'm skeptical about marriage counseling, but since you two have a very specific and commonplace problem, it might help. If she doesn't want to go, see a counselor on your own and talk to her about what you've learned in your sessions with him or her.

 

I think you two might still have a very satisfying future together but it's going to take some work, especially on your part...

 

Sorry if this isn't exactly what you wanted to hear, but I hope it's at least food for thought.

[TaraMaiden]

...er.... Have you actually read the thread, zoobadger....?

[Cierra351]

I agree with others who have said that it is about having your cake and eating it too. She wants the stability of a relationship/marriage but she wants the "fun" and "excitement" of being able to have flings.

 

As for what to do next, it sounds like she wants to be married to you but she can't resolve this conflict. Marriage counseling might be the next best step because it might be able to help her to identify/resolve, through a disinterested third party, both that 1) what is an exciting fantasy in a book or in her mind may not translate into the same excitement in real life (when there are real people, attachments and feelings involved and actions can't be taken back) and 2) how to deal with this sense of entitlement that she should be able to carry on with this type of behavior within a marriage. IMO, part of both the responsibility and the functionality of being in a marriage is respecting and nurturing monogamy and trust as a part of loving and respecting your partner. Single people, not in monogamous relationships and marriages, don't get to enjoy that type of closeness and respect, which is both a responsibility and a perk of being married. As others have said, you can't have it both ways.

 

Good luck.