RogerWallace111 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 (edited) 3.5 year relationship, 6 months since breakup, 5 no contact, get a facebook friend request from her yesterday. Not gonna accept it, don't feel like being reminded of her by the computer. I'm at that 99% over-it spot, where I think I'll have plateaued until I have another important girl in my life. Just carrying that underlying desire for female companionship ya know. My life creatively, spiritually, physically and career wise is way better than ever. Sooo, not sure how I feel. I'm thinking about it, so it's affecting me in some sense, but I can't tell if it's f*cking with me or I just feel like it should be and am psyching myself out. Waking up today things didn't feel quite "business as usual"- a little thrown off from the norm. And now a couple hours later, I'm having minor flashbacks of the first days following the end and the pain I was in. Not experiencing those feelings but remembering them and feeling kind of uneasy/edgy. The breakup was on sad but civil terms, and realistically needed to happen - I don't feel wronged, and I never even actually wanted her back. Yet it still forced me to face a lot of my own demons and put me through some deep, lonely anguish. So while getting this little reminder from her isn't getting me worked up concerning the present (i.e. debating whether to respond, questioning her intentions, making me miss her particularly, wanting her back in any way, etc), it's reminding me of how vulnerable & f*cked up I was for those first couple weeks and making me feel a little on edge now. Any thoughts ? Edited March 11, 2013 by RogerWallace111
Hope737 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I absolutely LOATHE Facebook when it comes to stuff like this. It can bring back a lot of memories but you seem a strong character, like you say, you're 99% over her so you're doing the right thing by not accepting the request. Hey at least you've been able to follow through with the no contact as well, good work! I'm not so lucky as I'm in the same circle of friends as my ex and now we're even going to be working in the same department at work! Makes getting over someone pretty tough. Fair play to you for feeling positive about your life. Keep that head high, onwards and upwards my friend! 1
MushyPeas Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Well firstly I honestly hope that in 6 months I'm in as strong a place as you are, it's really encouraging to read that. I really think it's normal to feel a little thrown off after any contact, whether that be from you reaching out to them (which you haven't done, kudos!) or like in your case where she's the one that has made contact. I think that this reminding you of how vulnerable you once were isn't all bad, I mean let it be there as a signpost to how far you've come and how good things are for you in the present, how well you have dealt with all of this and the fact that you won't be going back to those feelings anytime soon. You're in total control of the situation just ignore the brief contact and continue the way you were going 1
francis Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I both un-friended and blocked my ex on Facebook, that way he could never send me a friend request again or find me there. I know that I could NOT bear the idea of seeing or reading about what my ex was doing, and vice versa. You have the right to choose that privacy and distance from her. Don't accept the friend request.
hockeyfan99 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I HATE FB!!!! fb causes WAY to many problems ESP when it comes to relationships and BU. i had to get rid of my acct b/c after she dumped me i was ALWAYS looking at her acct and going over every single post and reading into way too much. plus i was just bored with fb too. its too much sometimes and just starts too many fights. DONE DEAL. good idea not to add her. i mean if it was 10 years ago and you both have totally separate lives then thats ok. hell i had 3 ex gf on mine but i was SO over them way bf fb ever came about. stick to your guns.
Author RogerWallace111 Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 Hope737- I know, one of several reasons I loathe facebook. In fact I'd have gotten rid of it a while back if it weren't for my art/work contacts around the world. Which has helped facilitate a lot of cool sh*t for me, and is the part I really dig about it. Working with the ex sounds like no fun. The out of sight, out of mind aspect has been crucial in my moving on. Thanks for the input & nice words, I will continue kickin ass. You too ! MushyPeas- Thanks for the post. And glad to provide some encouragement . Finding real direction and some modest but significant success in my music career has been keeping me super excited with life on the day-to-day, so I rarely find myself dwelling on the past, and that's a huge factor. It's personally fulfilling in a way nothing else ever has been for me. And yeah, any contact can throw you off a little, I guess I should cut myself some slack and just feel however I feel (which is basically fine, just peculiar). There have been times just hearing her name brought up has given me a couple minutes of feeling weird. I'll keep it up, I have no intention/desire to interact with her. francis- Won't be confirming the request, in fact I have little-to-no curiosity about the motivation behind it, etc. I don't want to go back so even if she were begging to try again, I'd rather not know. She wants me in her life, but like I told her after the breakup, sh*t ain't happenin. At least not in the foreseeable future. Maybe years from now.
BarbecueMan666 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 You sound in a great place, I'm mighty envious. Obviously not knowing what you know - or what she knows - it being so long after a breakup, and me being a male, I received a message from an ex roughly 6 months after also. Though she was pretty cruel and horrid in the breakup, and basically wrote a letter of apology, but also to say she was just very disappointed in me, lol quite silly when I look back on it - I replied very nicely, not needily and I felt so much better. As for receiving a friend request from someone whom I cared deeply about, you sound like your dealing with it pretty awesomely. I wouldn't over think it too much, and it doesn't sound like you're going to. Might be a genuine "Hey, I cared about you and still care as a friend" But either way, if it's something you don't particularly want to deal with now, you don't have to ^^.
Feelin Frisky Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 FB sucks. I had a spat with a life-long friend the other day because he barged into the middle of something that was none of his beezwax and criticized me without the benefit of a Hello--we hadn't spoke in three years but were not on bad terms or anything like that. I tore him another a-hole and he apologized but really. I avoid FB like the plague. It's social networking for socio-political illiterates.
Bando89 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I would play around with it a little. These situations are so difficult, I think I may fall back in it again because I believe she's the girl of my life...
Author RogerWallace111 Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 You sound in a great place, I'm mighty envious. Obviously not knowing what you know - or what she knows - it being so long after a breakup, and me being a male, I received a message from an ex roughly 6 months after also. Though she was pretty cruel and horrid in the breakup, and basically wrote a letter of apology, but also to say she was just very disappointed in me, lol quite silly when I look back on it - I replied very nicely, not needily and I felt so much better. As for receiving a friend request from someone whom I cared deeply about, you sound like your dealing with it pretty awesomely. I wouldn't over think it too much, and it doesn't sound like you're going to. Might be a genuine "Hey, I cared about you and still care as a friend" But either way, if it's something you don't particularly want to deal with now, you don't have to ^^. I'm in a great place in general, yeah . But second day since now and it's still got me a little off. I'm dealing with little recurring pangs of that post-relationship unsettled feeling. Which I'd rarely ever had the past few months. It's barely even involves her, in fact I know it's much more related to personal issues of loneliness, stress, etc. You know that feeling though ? Like something within you that's impossible to really pinpoint has you slightly anxious about things and you know it's breakup related but beyond that there's little analysis that can be done. Because it's not a particular thought or image in your head... it's just that little bit of "unsettled-ness". It's different, but the thing I could most closely relate it to would be maybe waiting for word after a job interview, or important test results or something. Though that type of feeling is looking toward a moment of either good or bad resolution. Where what I'm talking about is kind of open-ended (which may be the part that makes it particularly not-fun). Anyway I'm fine just a little less mentally contented than I have been. Sadness wouldn't even be the word to describe it. Not sure what would... BBQ Man - Anyone with who does you wrong and still feels the need to throw in some "I'm dissappointed with you" **** in their 6 month late apology is a person you don't need. Good on you for responding cordially. I don't know if I'm dealing with it quite awesomely, as it's having more of a lingering effect than I would have thought/hoped it would, but I appreciate the encouraging words . And yeah, I suppose my heart could have dropped upon receiving it and I could have regressed to a sh*tty state. It's definitely minor, I just would've liked to have felt nothing- hehe- that's not realistic with your first love though. And like I said, I'm definitely not over-thinking it in terms of her motivation, etc. I know she still cares and it comes with genuine intent. I mean, I didn't include it in my original post, but basically the downfall of our relationship started with my admission that I didn't see myself marrying her & settling down with her (because of my being in my early twenties with lofty hopes/dreams). Which in hindsight I feel terrible about verbalizing because she was about as devoted to me as I can imagine one person being to another. In a sense, she was just saving herself by ending it. Cutting her losses and getting out of what probably felt futile. For me, it was one of those "can't live with or without you" type of situations. I could never fully decide whether i was more frightened by the idea of not being with her, or the idea of being with her forever and never experiencing independence or other girls again. And that whole dynamic plays a lot into how the breakup was the most painful nightmare I've ever been through, yet through that, also managed to make me feel better and more alive than ever.
Author RogerWallace111 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 Man... This sh*t has had some lingering effects. It's been a week since receiving this friend request and it's had her and my being single back on my mind pretty constantly. Yesterday there were even some moments I felt like I was in a serious backslide/relapse when it got me feeling down and lonely on a level I hadn't since the first few weeks post-breakup. Which is f*cked up because I've had periods of months that I didn't feel anything of the sort. Most of it's not painful or saddening, but that cloud's hanging back over my head and I don't f*cking like it.
Jono85 Posted March 18, 2013 Posted March 18, 2013 (edited) i can relate very much to your situation (without the whole ex contacting me after 6 months part..) i too, am sort of the cause for everything going to sh*t in my relationship with the ex. i broke up with her 3 times in total (the first 2 simply b/c i didn't feel in love) and never returned an ILY for 5-6 months before I finally said it, AFTER i'd broken up with her the 3rd time (this time was because she started flirting with a guy behind my back on FB) and finally realized how much this girl meant to me, how bad of a bf I'd been, how much pain i'd put her through, etc etc, and confessed to her everything she'd ever wanted to hear. after a period of a month of letting it all sink in, she finally took me back. we only last 3 weeks or so b/c i expected everything to be roses (i mean i was now finally giving her all of me, shouldn't it be better than before/as good?) but she clearly hadn't let go of all the hurt and pain, and i hadn't let go of my insecurity of her talking with a guy behind my back, so we just faught a lot, until she had enough. point is, this breakup has been the most painful thing i've ever dealt with. i tried fighting for her, but it just pushed her further (looking back that should have been obvious). but to see her completely lose her feelings for me sucked, and still sucks. i'm 3.5 months NC now, more like 7 months since breakup. she's been dating someone else for a couple months. but i guess what i struggle with, and i'm not sure if this is the vibe you're giving too, is that so much of her leaving me, disposing of me, was kind of my fault. but at the same time, it doesn't hurt any less b/c i loved her more than anything on earth when she just left me and could never understand how she could just stop fighting for us. so IF i ever get what you're getting (ie her wanting me back in her life at a future point) i really have no idea how i'll react. do i man up, admit to myself that i wasn't the best bf in the slightest and maybe she had every reason to want to move on/forget about me, or do i stick to my guns, never forget the immense pain she put me through when i was ready to love her and fight for us, yet she couldn't have given a care in the world. as of this moment i lean towards ignoring her b/c A. i did wish her a happy belated bday couple weeks ago via text, and said 'all the best' (ie. wasn't trying to start convo) and she never replied (took that as her not wanting even to be on any good terms or having me in her life in any capacity going forward), and B. even if i was 80% at fault for our relationship ending, and can admit that, i feel like i still know i'll never be completely ok with her just going off and giving up on me, and i'll always resent her for that, and it will cause problems. anyway, i'm sorry if i just sort of took over your thread with my issues lol, just seemed like you may carry some of the same baggage i carry, and it's interesting to hear your thoughts on that situation (which unfortunately i've fantasized about a lot - how i'll react if/when she finally reaches out). i don't really have any advice for you persay lol, but i WILL say that if it is making you feel so uneasy, as it obviously is, i think you should continue to ignore it until maybe she has a much less of an effect on your emotions in the future. i'll also say, for someone you've dated 3.5 years, i'd kind of be like "really? a facebook friend request is how you go about trying to get me back into your life??". seems pretty flakey to me. how about actually taking the time to contact me and ask how i'm doing? not saying that is what you'd want, but imo a fb friend request is as impersonal as you can get for reaching out to an ex. Edited March 18, 2013 by Jono85
Author RogerWallace111 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Posted March 18, 2013 No need to apologize! I've done plenty of sharing in other people's threads:). And there are lots of similarities between our stories. The thing is, though the situations surrounding the ends of our relationships are similar, none of that has really crossed my mind or mattered to me since the final breakup. It did in the previous on/off interims of the last year or so, but we went into our final "try" together super hopeful, clean slate-style: pouring our hearts out with apologies/forgiveness, and being super open about both of our shortcomings in the relationship. In fact in hindsight I'm really glad it ended on that note of maximum transparency and openness. It's harder to leave behind when it's all on good terms, as you can't just think "f*ck off", but in the long run it's better. And the thing is, she wanted to keep me in her life. I was the one who insisted on no contact... So in her case, I think the facebook request is more of a testing-the-waters kind of thing, to see if I'm even open to being "in touch" at all. The last time I saw her, a month after the breakup, I talked to her, throwing aside my insistence on nc (said I wouldn't be willing to talk as I couldn't risk her sucking me back in for another unsuccessful go at things). At that point it didn't seem like it would be an issue, it's only now after becoming so content on my own that I really don't want to risk being set back. Which it feels like I may have been from just this internet bullsh*t. Though at the moment I don't give a sh*t and feel pretty great.
sleepy1 Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 Remember you guys broke up for a reason. If she's looking to reconcile or start over, 6 months is nothing and you can guarantee she's the same person she was when you broke up with her. If she's doing it just to be "friends", you're obviously not ready for that. Keep moving forward, bud. Block her. If you think that's too harsh, you could always just send her a message and ask her how she's doing. Then you'll share what you've been up to and it's done...continue on with your life without accepting the friend request.
Author RogerWallace111 Posted March 19, 2013 Author Posted March 19, 2013 (edited) Remember you guys broke up for a reason. If she's looking to reconcile or start over, 6 months is nothing and you can guarantee she's the same person she was when you broke up with her. If she's doing it just to be "friends", you're obviously not ready for that. Keep moving forward, bud. Block her. If you think that's too harsh, you could always just send her a message and ask her how she's doing. Then you'll share what you've been up to and it's done...continue on with your life without accepting the friend request. I'm not positive what you mean, but to clarify, I'm not saying I think she wants to "reconcile". And if she decided she did, it's beyond being an issue of changing. I wouldn't want to be back in a relationship with her no matter what. Even if she somehow changed into the coolest, most exciting girl ever. The reasons I initially ended it with her still apply (too young to commit, didn't see myself marrying her, etc). I told her straight up when I first broke it off, "there is no other girl who I'd be staying with under these circumstances, it's no shortcoming of yours". And that sh*t was true. In fact I'm glad I didn't find her to be more of "ideal" girl for me or it would have been even harder. Prior to this facebook thing she was barely in my thoughts. And I feel great about my life situation, etc. I guess it just comes down to the fact that I do still miss her (like I would anyone close / important in my life who's no longer part of it), and still miss the overall companionship of having a girlfriend. I didn't find myself acknowledging it often before the "friend" request, but that caused it to flare up some. She is trying to be "friends", or something along those lines. Though like Jono said, it's a kinda silly way to go about it. Facebook tends to cheapen interaction with those who you already know well. I definitely don't want to send her a message, and I'm not gonna block her on there either. Just not confirming it... Anyway I've felt good again most of today. Back to being apathetic about it all and just being excited about my own sh*t. Edited March 19, 2013 by RogerWallace111
drpepper1886 Posted March 19, 2013 Posted March 19, 2013 I definitely don't want to send her a message, and I'm not gonna block her on there either. Just not confirming it... Just keep in mind if you don't actually deny the request, she has access to view your profile and you hers.
Author RogerWallace111 Posted March 20, 2013 Author Posted March 20, 2013 Didn't know that, but meh, if she wants to look at mine she can. I won't be checking hers out. Aside from maybe the first week i've never had any urge to check up on her... No contact, etc comes easily to me. Anyway, that sh*t evened out and I'm consistently feeling good again as of yesterday/today. Still crosses my mind more than it had been, but it's rapidly decreasing, and when it does I don't much care.
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