Author firstandlast Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 This was a post last November: Looks like you haven't done work to change your selfish viewpoint. Did you ever give your wife the whole truth? That the affair did include sex for a long time? Because at the beginning (2011 I believe) you were minimizing the affair and totally lying to your wife). How you've treated your W is not cool. I agree, what I did was completely uncool. There's no justifying it. But between my partial confession and her detective work, she does know everything now. And I've been transparent since the whole truth came out.
Author firstandlast Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 Did you ever tell your wife EVERYTHING about your affair? Yes, she knows everything now. Some of it was her own detective work, but I confessed to everything.
underwater2010 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 Yes, she knows everything now. Some of it was her own detective work, but I confessed to everything. And that is the start line. Can you do what it takes to cross the finish line?
Author firstandlast Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 Your wife has a big loving forgiving heart, and it takes a strong person (male or female) to work through betrayal and cheating. And the lies. Most can eventually get past the physical side of it, but it's the continuing of lies day in and day out, and pulling it off with being suspected. That's the tough part to work through. Your wife's whole world as she knew got turned upside down, the one person who was supposed to have her back, didn't. She feels you are worthy of a second chance, she loves you that much to want to fix things and allow you to earn her trust back. Big positive there, so I do hope you two can work through this, even if it means you bending more and doing more compromising. Try to put yourself in her shoes and don't let ego get in the way.. May I ask? What is your own (personal) deadline in the sense of you hope she trusts you enough that you don't feel chained up and don't want her checking up on you? What is a fair amount of time that you hope she lightens up? D-day was this past November or early fall? That's not a lot of time when you think about it. I hadn't really thought about any deadlines. I think everything she has asked me to do so far is understandable, and I've had no problem complying to earn her trust. I just disagree with the sentiment that from here on out, she gets to decide everything and I have to remain some groveling, subservient spouse. If it gets to that point, I think divorce is better for everyone. We have both set a couple of milestones: in June, six months after real D-Day (when I owned up to everything), we'll evaluate the progress we've made. Basically, we'll evaluate not where we're at -- we know we have a long way to go -- but whether the progress we've made so far gives her hope of successful reconciliation. Assuming she's happy with the progress, we'll reevaluate in another six months after that and determine whether I'm the person she wants to stay with.
Author firstandlast Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 You're not helping your W by staying - you still want the OW. Actually, I don't want the OW. Hypotheticals are always dangerous, but I can tell you that even if the OW left her husband (and whomever else she's seeing) and my wife left me, I would not be dating this woman. It's dead and over. 1
loredo21 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 Everybody just CTFD! It is not fair to make assumptions and drudge up posts from the past. That just shows immaturity and lack of honest helpful/respectful advice. Why even respond over here? You KNOW this is the OW/OM board. Leave it alone and go on your merry way. This is what's bringing these boards down.
Author firstandlast Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 Come on, now. A few posts back you claimed that she's STILL free as a bird to continue all her affairs because her husband is completely clueless to what she's doing. Now you're back-pedaling because you don't want to deal with the fallout of her husband being told what he SHOULD be told. The fact is, I have no idea what she's up to these days. There is a part of me that would take supreme satisfaction with seeing her discovered by her husband. But that's all about revenge and nothing about reconciling with my wife. Telling the husband would bring her back into our lives, and I want to get as far away from her as possible. If she's still having affairs, she'll eventually get caught. If she's not, well good for her. It's none of my business either way. Like I said, if my wife wants to tell, I won't stand in her way or throw a fit. I just think that for us, it's a supremely bad idea.
2sunny Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 You took away your wife's power by cheating! If your wife feels she can regain some of her power back by exposing your truth - then she has every right to want her power back - and should do whatever it takes to feel that again. Since you never brought your truth to your W - and actually dined it when asked for your truth - you have ruined your chance at honesty. You haven't earned any of your wife's trust... She looked and found your evidence - evidence that you then denied! How utterly cruel of you!!! So it down, shut up and DO what's right! If that includes kissing your wife's butt for the next 30-40 years - you can figure you earned that penance when you decided to betray her!
Author firstandlast Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 Why is that? I'm curious why you think her telling is a bad idea? It's clearly on her mind often, so it's not like her doing it will bring it all back to the surface - it's at the surface now. OW's BS will be angry, hurt, etc., but he isn't going to do any more than most other BSs do. I wonder, and i have no idea if any are true, but I wonder if you hate the idea for one of the usual reasons a WS hates the idea: Other WS will get in trouble Other WS may tell more of the story than first WS told, causing more trouble for first WS First WS is afraid of OBS (Other Betrayed Spouse) First WS is ashamed and doesn't want to face OBS The most often heard one is the second one listed. You'd think it's the first, but even that is a cover. The first WS does NOT want the two BSs comparing notes, because more of the story that the WS wants the BS to know can be learned. I'm not saying that any of these are your reasons, but what's got you thinking this is such a terrible idea? None of these really factors in. 1. I don't care whether the xMOW gets in "trouble." And who knows? The revelation might be good for her in the long run. They can work on real reconciliation or she can get the freedom that part of her so clearly wants. 2. There's nothing the xMOW can say that my wife doesn't already know. There is, however, the possibility that the xMOW could to rub the affair in my wife's face or make her feel insecure by reminding her that I got dumped and making it seem like I'm only with my wife because the xMOW didn't want me any more (a lot of people on this board feel that way as it is). 3. I'm not afraid of the husband. He doesn't strike me as a violent person, and he would have too much to lose by going after me. 4. Yes, I'm ashamed and would probably have trouble looking the other husband in the eye. But if he ever wanted to talk to me, I would tell him anything he wants to know. The motivating factor for me is that I want this woman out of my life completely. There's a lot of downside and no clear upside to my wife telling. We've had strict NC since October, and I don't want to break that now.
Author firstandlast Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 Possibly a bad a idea for the "you as a couple" but maybe not so much for her as an "individual". No way of knowing that if and until that happens. Definitely bad for us as a couple. And I'm not so sure that it's good for her as an individual. But again, that's her choice. I've made my line of reasoning clear to her.
CarboniteCammy Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 I'm not an OW, but I am a wife and I can tell you that if my husband did what you did and reacted the way that you are reacting, I'd see it (regardless of what he said) as an attempt to sweep the affair under the rug. I would and do look at it as a sign of continued weakness of character on your part, OP. I can't tell you how your wife sees it. You can't turn a sow's ear into a silk purse to put it politely.
Author firstandlast Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 I'm not an OW, but I am a wife and I can tell you that if my husband did what you did and reacted the way that you are reacting, I'd see it (regardless of what he said) as an attempt to sweep the affair under the rug. I would and do look at it as a sign of continued weakness of character on your part, OP. I can't tell you how your wife sees it. You can't turn a sow's ear into a silk purse to put it politely. Reacting the way I am reacting? You mean by disagreeing with my wife?
LFH Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 I respectfully give you this to think about. I put certain words in quotes because I don't know how else to phrase it but they aren't necessarily the right words, so let's not get all jumpy over the words I use. The "standard" answer given here is that it takes 2-5 years for a BS to "get over it" enough for life to return to normal after reconciliation. Frankly, I don't think anyone ever "gets over it" really but that's the given time frame. Given that you are already feeling conflicted after a few months, about her "rules" and that you don't want to live by, in your words, a warden and prisoner, are you willing to do so for the 2-5 years (or longer in some cases) that it may take? Personally I wouldn't, because there is no guarantee that things will ever be "ok" enough again that it would ever end or that I'd feel like the same person or a true partnership again. Of course, I wouldn't break the trust of someone I love either, I'd have left before I ever found someone else. But this is a piece of a puzzle you are trying to put back together, and if you think this piece is unnecessary and she's trying to force it in the wrong spot, then maybe you'll never be able to put the puzzle back together, and if you do, will you discover you were working on a different puzzle than you thought? 2
2sunny Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 For craps sake - she just found out 2 months ago! I think you're completely insensitive to your wife and her feelings. You've lied to your wife for years... And you expect her to be feeling like loosening your chain after 2 months? NO F'ing WAY!
2sunny Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 Reacting the way I am reacting? You mean by disagreeing with my wife? By acting like she has ANY reason to trust you - or even stay with you.
Author firstandlast Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 I respectfully give you this to think about. I put certain words in quotes because I don't know how else to phrase it but they aren't necessarily the right words, so let's not get all jumpy over the words I use. The "standard" answer given here is that it takes 2-5 years for a BS to "get over it" enough for life to return to normal after reconciliation. Frankly, I don't think anyone ever "gets over it" really but that's the given time frame. Given that you are already feeling conflicted after a few months, about her "rules" and that you don't want to live by, in your words, a warden and prisoner, are you willing to do so for the 2-5 years (or longer in some cases) that it may take? Personally I wouldn't, because there is no guarantee that things will ever be "ok" enough again that it would ever end or that I'd feel like the same person or a true partnership again. Of course, I wouldn't break the trust of someone I love either, I'd have left before I ever found someone else. But this is a piece of a puzzle you are trying to put back together, and if you think this piece is unnecessary and she's trying to force it in the wrong spot, then maybe you'll never be able to put the puzzle back together, and if you do, will you discover you were working on a different puzzle than you thought? Just to make things clear, I'm not bristling at anything my wife has asked me to do. I understand completely her lack of trust and am willing to do anything in reason (for a reasonable amount of time -- a few years sounds about right, assuming there's real progress) to regain her trust. What I'm objecting to comments on this board that I should just accept anything my demands and spend the next 30-40 years of my life groveling at her feet. If it came to that, I'd have to conclude that the marriage had been damaged beyond repair. I just disagree with my wife wanting to tell the other husband. I understand the impulse, and I won't stand in her way or throw a fit if she does. I just think it's a bad idea for our reconciliation.
Author firstandlast Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 For craps sake - she just found out 2 months ago! I think you're completely insensitive to your wife and her feelings. You've lied to your wife for years... And you expect her to be feeling like loosening your chain after 2 months? NO F'ing WAY! I think I'm miscommunicating here. I'm not objecting to any of the "rules" my wife has laid down. I'm objecting to the opinion of some posters here that I should just happily accept any rule she ever makes -- no matter what, no matter how long -- because "hey, you cheated." No, I don't think my wife should tell the husband and reinvolve them in our lives. It's my opinion, and I've laid out my reasons here. It's a difference of opinion, not a proxy of my commitment to reconciling or rebuilding trust. 1
Author firstandlast Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 Why????????? Specific concerns. I don't want her in my life, even indirectly through her husband.
2sunny Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 (edited) I think I'm miscommunicating here. I'm not objecting to any of the "rules" my wife has laid down. I'm objecting to the opinion of some posters here that I should just happily accept any rule she ever makes -- no matter what, no matter how long -- because "hey, you cheated." No, I don't think my wife should tell the husband and reinvolve them in our lives. It's my opinion, and I've laid out my reasons here. It's a difference of opinion, not a proxy of my commitment to reconciling or rebuilding trust. The mere fact that you think you SHOULD have a say in what your wife may need to feel comfortable with your cheating ways - shows perfect evidence that your not cut out to DO THE HARD WORK it takes to reconcile and recover he marriage from the betrayal that you laid onto the marriage. You're not getting this ---> you completely f-Ed over your wife dude! And you stated you still had feelings for the OW - and now you expect your wife to consider anything you feel/request! No way! You have some big hanging balls to think you should state your wants/needs about ANY of it! I can't figure out why your wife stayed with you if your not willing to do anything and everything to get rid of your big ego - to become a changed man! What, exactly, have you learned about YOURSELF in counseling? What have you worked on changing? Edited March 15, 2013 by 2sunny
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 Just to make things clear, I'm not bristling at anything my wife has asked me to do. I understand completely her lack of trust and am willing to do anything in reason (for a reasonable amount of time -- a few years sounds about right, assuming there's real progress) to regain her trust. What I'm objecting to comments on this board that I should just accept anything my demands and spend the next 30-40 years of my life groveling at her feet. If it came to that, I'd have to conclude that the marriage had been damaged beyond repair. I just disagree with my wife wanting to tell the other husband. I understand the impulse, and I won't stand in her way or throw a fit if she does. I just think it's a bad idea for our reconciliation. Bolded part. Nobody here has said that or even implied that. Nobody would put up with 30 years or more of staying with their betrayed spouse if trust couldn't be rebuilt. I'm sure your wife wouldn't live like that. I think it's possible there's been miscommunication or misuse of words. Why bad for your reconciliation, you're worried the fallout and ripple effect, consquences? Or are you worried that it will damage what progress you and your wife have made in the past few months?
whichwayisup Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 I don't want her in my life, even indirectly through her husband. He won't be for long. Once he speaks to you and possibly your wife as well, he's going to disappear. Trust me, he won't want either of you in his life once he finds out the truth. He'll be wanting to sort out own. 1
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