My BS wants to tell xMOW's husband

[2sunny]

Just to make it clear, I'm not protecting the xOW. I think her husband deserves to know, and I couldn't care less what she thinks of me. (I know -- I wasn't so concerned about her husband or right and wrong what I was the OM.)

 

I'm just not convinced that anything good can come out of my wife telling the BH. I don't see how stirring up mud is going to help our marriage. And who knows, maybe the xOW has rededicated herself to her marriage or already confessed. Telling at this point just seems vengeful and besides the point.

 

That said, I want what's best for my wife, so if she brings it up again, I won't talk her out of it. I just think it's a terrible idea.

 

It doesn't matter how you feel about it - it only matters that your W wants this - yet you are still roadblocking the truth being old.

 

Your M doesn't have a chance of recovering if you don't get honest - and if you don't start supporting every decision your wife makes and wants!

 

You should be trying to give her peace of mind! Yet, you're not!

 

Stop protecting the lies...start by getting honest in actions and words.

[skylarblue]

Are you "right" to continue to talk your W out of it? No, in the sense that you don't get to make that decision for her. If she decides to tell, that's just a consequence you will have to suffer as result to you having an A. You did the deed, so you have to let the chips fall where they may.

 

Are you "right" in the sense of discussing and considering repercussions or problems that might arise, as it relates to the two of you, in the event of her doing so? Yes. It would be unfortunate for a rash/bad decision to turn into a regrettable mistake on your W's behalf (she's probably already been exposed to enough rash and bad decisions and regrettable mistakes from your A).

 

As to whether you're doing it out of protection or loyalty to xOW, IDK. Possibly in part, but my opinion is that you're doing it protect yourself. I think you're more concerned with how the backlash will affect you (the aspects of your life) personally (as an individual).

[White Flower]

 

Am I right in continuing to talk my wife out of it? She suspects I'm still trying to protect the xMOW.

 

Yes. She's lucky to have you back at all. And now she wants to control every move you make. Isn't this the kind of unhealthy behavior that led you to stray in the first place?

 

More to come...

 

She is correct. You are protecting MOW. You want to show MOW you kept your word.

Firstandlast, are you going to let people like this tell you what you think or are you going to stand by your words?

 

It may be.........but it's not your decision to make.

 

If it turns out to be, deal with it together.

I'm sorry but this seems a bit contradictory to me. If you a part of a couple then decisions should be made together, should they not? She doesn't get to "drive the bus" just because she's pissed off. Angry drivers shouldn't drive.

Let her tell the other BS. That is her right to do.

 

As a BW, I am telling you that she is interpretting your avoidance of telling as A. Protecting your AP and B. That you have not truly accepted the depth of your actions.

That's just it, the BW in this case is interpreting. That doesn't mean she is correct.

 

 

Time to be accountable for your actions, man up and be HONEST with all and support your wife in WHATEVER she needs to do to heal if you intend to stay married to her.

 

She is watching everything you do and say to evaluate if you have the COURAGE to make this right and help her heal.....If you are the man she thought she fell in love with.

 

 

She won't inform the OWH but always resent you for it and wind up divorcing you anyway.

 

You have a brief window of opportunity to reconcile successfully and show her where your loyalty lies, or not.

 

Whatever she needs? what if she needs him to drive off a cliff?

 

He got caught, he chose the one he wanted. Her anger might be natural but it might not be rational right now. Is it possible at all that firstandlast might be trying to provide for a dignified way of getting beyond all this? Just because BW is raging and hurt doesn't mean another BS has to be. Someone on this thread likes to say two wrongs don't make a right and I feel that is the case here.

 

His W is running like a wild horse. He needs to take the reigns and calm her down until she feels safe. It takes time.

 

Just to make it clear, I'm not protecting the xOW. I think her husband deserves to know, and I couldn't care less what she thinks of me. (I know -- I wasn't so concerned about her husband or right and wrong what I was the OM.)

 

I'm just not convinced that anything good can come out of my wife telling the BH. I don't see how stirring up mud is going to help our marriage. And who knows, maybe the xOW has rededicated herself to her marriage or already confessed. Telling at this point just seems vengeful and besides the point.

 

That said, I want what's best for my wife, so if she brings it up again, I won't talk her out of it. I just think it's a terrible idea.

You're right in thinking this is about revenge. The best revenge your W could have was winning you back. What's best for her is to put this behind her with dignity. If BH comes asking for the truth, he deserves to know, but only if he asks.

 

The fact that you think it's vengeful SHOUTS that you are a coward unable of owning the consequences of your actions and ARE NOT supportive of your wife and her feelings.

I disagree. He knows his W more than any of us.

 

Firstandlast, I haven't been on the boards here for a very long time so we don't know each other. I am a fOW who had a 7 year A that had nearly 20 Ddays. It's over, I'm glad it's over, and I learned a lot.

 

I find it incredibly odd that a question asked on the OM/OW board was jumped on by so many BS, fBS, or nonAPs. I'm a bit removed from it all but keep in mind I've experienced it all. I was a BW to a long term EA, I was M for 25 years. My Hs second A , PA, began at the end of our M. I never posted about it because I finally saw the writing on the wall and no longer cared. Point is I've been there.

 

I believe you that this is about revenge for your W. it's going to take time but she will see that your loyalty is obviously with her now. I'd be concerned about your job too. Good jobs are hard to come by these days.

 

Btw, restraining orders can only be obtained in the case of immediate family members such as children, parents, spouses, and siblings. For everyone else you would have to seek a Civil Protection Order. It changed to immediate family due to so many people seeking ROs. I'm sure you won't need one for xOW, you've got insurance in that she is M, if you're not already assured by who she was as a person. It seems forgotten all too often at LS that OP are human too. Some are even dignified.

[Trimmer]

I find it incredibly odd that a question asked on the OM/OW board was jumped on by so many BS, fBS, or nonAPs.

In the context of this specific topic, it doesn't seem the least bit odd to me - certainly not incredibly odd. The crux of his situation is that he's trying to understand his BS; why wouldn't other BS and fBS offer their perspective? Wouldn't it be wise for him to remain open to hearing advice from precisely that segment?

Edited March 14, 2013 by Trimmer

[White Flower]

In the context of this specific topic, it doesn't seem the least bit odd to me - certainly not incredibly odd. The crux of his situation is that he's trying to understand his BS; why wouldn't other BS and fBS offer their perspective? Wouldn't it be wise for him to remain open to hearing advice from precisely that segment?

He's not trying so much to understand her for one, I think he understands her already, and he feels that her emotions are all over the place right now, as is often the case for many BS/fBS who post here long term. If he wanted the opinion of BS one would think he would go to the infidelity forum for their advice but I suspect he didn't because their pain seems to quickly rise even though many are years beyond their Dday and R.

 

Many of the OP who are no longer (or never did) suffering pain tend to offer logical advice whereas those who are currently suffering tend to offer egocentric advice, which is normal under the circumstances, but I think the OP is trying to keep peace while his W suffers a meltdown and in the face of that he seeks logical, rational advice.

 

This really isn't a cut at anyone's pain, the pain is real, but I don't think advice ought to be given from a painful place even though it should be heard and understood.

[cocorico]

Without knowing all of the circumstances, advising on the wisdom of outing the A to the fMOW's BH would seem to require large doses of assumption at best, but I do think it raises an interesting general point.

 

What is "reasonable" for the reconciling BS to demand of the reconciling WS? Anything? Everything? Or are there limits - and if so, what should those protect? Life? Livelihood? Dignity? The kids?

[Trimmer]

He got caught, he chose the one he wanted. Her anger might be natural but it might not be rational right now. Is it possible at all that firstandlast might be trying to provide for a dignified way of getting beyond all this? Just because BW is raging and hurt doesn't mean another BS has to be. Someone on this thread likes to say two wrongs don't make a right and I feel that is the case here.

 

His W is running like a wild horse. He needs to take the reigns and calm her down until she feels safe. It takes time.

I think you have done a thorough job of characterizing his wife in a way that isn't supported by the OP's posts. Can you point out where the OP has indicated, in any way, that his wife's anger is anything less than rational? Can you refer to any of his comments that justify characterizing her as a "wild horse" that needs her reins taken to calm her down?

 

As a matter of fact, he specifically gave his opinion that she is "not crazy", but justifiably angry. Using your own words, I have to assert that:

He knows his W more than any of us.

 

Your characterizations of her as being irrational, a wild horse needing to be calmed down, and "suffering a meltdown" aren't at all supported by his posts. How can you justify those?

 

It seems forgotten all too often at LS that OP are human too. Some are even dignified.

This should relieve his worries about retailation, then, should the affair be discovered by (or revealed to) her BH.

 

This really isn't a cut at anyone's pain, the pain is real, but I don't think advice ought to be given from a painful place even though it should be heard and understood.

Wait, advice shouldn't be given from a painful place, but it should be heard and understood? How can that be, if it isn't given in the first place?

Edited March 14, 2013 by Trimmer

[Owl]

Without knowing all of the circumstances, advising on the wisdom of outing the A to the fMOW's BH would seem to require large doses of assumption at best, but I do think it raises an interesting general point.

 

What is "reasonable" for the reconciling BS to demand of the reconciling WS? Anything? Everything? Or are there limits - and if so, what should those protect? Life? Livelihood? Dignity? The kids?

 

What is "reasonable" in that context is whatever the BS and fWS agree to as required and needed in order for reconciliation to occur.

 

Those limits are defined by each couple as they determine the need to define them.

 

It likely varies to some degree amongst couples. But the BS's requirement here certainly seems to fall within the bounds of "reasonable" to me...because it balances the playing field for all FOUR people impacted by the affair, and it creates an environment in which the affair is less likely to resume, given the knowledge now being held by everyone impacted.

 

Why would you find this to be "unreasonable", in that light?

 

Editted to add:

 

You also have to remember...no one can FORCE the WS to remain. He/she constantly retains the option to end the reconciliation and walk away if they feel that the BS's requirements are "unreasonable". The fact that many stay probably indicates some degree of "reasonableness" to these common requirements.

[cocorico]

What is "reasonable" in that context is whatever the BS and fWS agree to as required and needed in order for reconciliation to occur.

 

Those limits are defined by each couple as they determine the need to define them.

 

It likely varies to some degree amongst couples. But the BS's requirement here certainly seems to fall within the bounds of "reasonable" to me...because it balances the playing field for all FOUR people impacted by the affair, and it creates an environment in which the affair is less likely to resume, given the knowledge now being held by everyone impacted.

 

Why would you find this to be "unreasonable", in that light?

 

I did not say it was unreasonable. I don't believe that's my call to make - as you say, it's entirely up to the WS and the BS to determine what they consider reasonable in each individual case.

 

Why I raised it was that that seems to be the basis for disagreement on this thread, with some clearly feeling that anything and everything a BS demands must per se be reasonable, and others arguing that that is not the case (or, should not be the case). I don't have a dog in the race, but simply wanted to make a similar point to yours - that each spouse has the right to determine for tHemselves what they would consider reasonable (or acceptable) and if faced with behaviour outside of that, to leave the M.

[2sunny]

So - the WS (cheater) can cheat without the input of 'reasonableness' from the BS -------> but the BS needs to ask permission to expose truth?

 

NO WAY!!!

 

That's backwards!

 

Truth should always take precedence!

[firstandlast]

Yes. She's lucky to have you back at all. And now she wants to control every move you make. Isn't this the kind of unhealthy behavior that led you to stray in the first place?

 

I wouldn't quite put it that way -- I'm lucky she took me back. My xMOW basically found a new, single AP, which forced me to realize what I had and how much I had risked for something that meant so little to the xMOW.

 

Still, you bring up a good point. For the time being, I've been willing to give up any modicum of privacy to rebuild trust and reassure my wife that not only am I no longer involved with the xMOW but I'm completely committed to my marriage. She needs to know that future opportunities to stray -- and there are always opportunities -- aren't a threat.

 

But the email snooping, constant reporting of where I am, suspicious questions, etc. can't continue indefinitely. In that environment, you have to ask yourself at some point whether it's better cut your losses, leave the marriage and start fresh with a new, untainted relationship.

 

I understand that healing can take months, even years -- and we're still very early in the process. But despite the impression I get on this forum sometimes that I should have to grovel for the rest of my life for my betrayal, that's not really a marriage. Yes, my wife would have been totally justified in leaving me. But she chose to reconcile, and true reconciliation doesn't mean holding the transgression over the other person.

 

That's why I don't agree that I should just accept whatever my wife wants to do without questioning it. Being the betrayed party doesn't automatically make you rational or wise or right. My concern is not for the xMOW -- believe me, I hate her -- but for the additional chaos it would create in our still-fragile recovery.

 

Now, I did tell my wife that it's ultimately her choice and won't be angry if she decides to tell the husband. But I still think it's a terrible idea and told her so. And I don't think I was selfish to do so.

 

(For the record, my wife has not been lording my betrayal over me -- she has periods of anger and emotional triggers, but that's completely understandable.)

[whichwayisup]

That's why I don't agree that I should just accept whatever my wife wants to do without questioning it. Being the betrayed party doesn't automatically make you rational or wise or right. My concern is not for the xMOW -- believe me, I hate her -- but for the additional chaos it would create in our still-fragile recovery.

Discussing is a good thing, communication and listening to one another is an important part of reconnecting and for both of you to work together.

 

You are still in the early stages, and as you say it's still fragile (sorry I can't remember how long ago your DDay was) so yeah, if she feels like checking up on you, let her and don't hold it against her. If 2 years pass and she's still where she is now, then you two have more problems to sort through and it's time to really figure out whether things can be saved in your marriage, but hopefully in a year or less time, you will have earned her trust enough that she wont' feel the need to check up on you. Of course it isn't healthy if she is holding your A against you - That's not process at all. Each spouse has to decide to work together, put in 100 percent effort in.

 

Don't shut the door on her wanting to tell the xMW's husband. Talk it out, weigh the pro's and con's and DO bring up the effect it'll have on your fragile start to mend things with her. Will it help or hinder it? If the situation was reversed, would you want to know your wife was cheating on you?

[underwater2010]

I wouldn't quite put it that way -- I'm lucky she took me back. My xMOW basically found a new, single AP, which forced me to realize what I had and how much I had risked for something that meant so little to the xMOW.

 

Still, you bring up a good point. For the time being, I've been willing to give up any modicum of privacy to rebuild trust and reassure my wife that not only am I no longer involved with the xMOW but I'm completely committed to my marriage. She needs to know that future opportunities to stray -- and there are always opportunities -- aren't a threat.

 

But the email snooping, constant reporting of where I am, suspicious questions, etc. can't continue indefinitely. In that environment, you have to ask yourself at some point whether it's better cut your losses, leave the marriage and start fresh with a new, untainted relationship.

 

I understand that healing can take months, even years -- and we're still very early in the process. But despite the impression I get on this forum sometimes that I should have to grovel for the rest of my life for my betrayal, that's not really a marriage. Yes, my wife would have been totally justified in leaving me. But she chose to reconcile, and true reconciliation doesn't mean holding the transgression over the other person.

 

That's why I don't agree that I should just accept whatever my wife wants to do without questioning it. Being the betrayed party doesn't automatically make you rational or wise or right. My concern is not for the xMOW -- believe me, I hate her -- but for the additional chaos it would create in our still-fragile recovery.

 

Now, I did tell my wife that it's ultimately her choice and won't be angry if she decides to tell the husband. But I still think it's a terrible idea and told her so. And I don't think I was selfish to do so.

 

(For the record, my wife has not been lording my betrayal over me -- she has periods of anger and emotional triggers, but that's completely understandable.)

Here is the truth...YOU CHEATED. Either you want your marriage or you don't. She is setting the standards that she expects from you. You don't like, don't let the door hit in the butt on the way out.

[2sunny]

So - you went back to your W because your OW dumped you?

 

And now you think you should have a say in how your wife handles the recovery process?

 

Man, your wife out to divorce you!

 

Your not sorry you cheated - you're just sorry your MOW got rid of you - and now your W is your second choice.

 

Do your W a favor - let her find a man who will be honest with her - and love, respect and honor her - that guy isn't you.

[underwater2010]

I wouldn't quite put it that way -- I'm lucky she took me back. My xMOW basically found a new, single AP, which forced me to realize what I had and how much I had risked for something that meant so little to the xMOW.

 

No...you got dumped! So much for the ego boost right?

 

Still, you bring up a good point. For the time being, I've been willing to give up any modicum of privacy to rebuild trust and reassure my wife that not only am I no longer involved with the xMOW but I'm completely committed to my marriage. She needs to know that future opportunities to stray -- and there are always opportunities -- aren't a threat.

 

The problem is she doesn't know that. You broke any and all trust in your marriage. She will always be looking over her shoulder wondering if the cute little thing in your office is a threat or how about that girl you knew from high school. She will not know this until you prove it to her. And that all depends on you.

 

But the email snooping, constant reporting of where I am, suspicious questions, etc. can't continue indefinitely. In that environment, you have to ask yourself at some point whether it's better cut your losses, leave the marriage and start fresh with a new, untainted relationship.

 

That is totally right. You may even do everything right, but she might realize that she does not want to live that way either. You are not out of the dark and nor will you be for quite some time. Remember...you put your marriage in this position.

 

I understand that healing can take months, even years -- and we're still very early in the process. But despite the impression I get on this forum sometimes that I should have to grovel for the rest of my life for my betrayal, that's not really a marriage. Yes, my wife would have been totally justified in leaving me. But she chose to reconcile, and true reconciliation doesn't mean holding the transgression over the other person.

 

Nor does it mean she should just get over it. It takes approx. 2-5 yrs. Can you handle that? I want to know something....do you feel bad? I know that my husband can hardly stand to look at himself. He let himself down. It seems like you are just bidding your time.

 

That's why I don't agree that I should just accept whatever my wife wants to do without questioning it. Being the betrayed party doesn't automatically make you rational or wise or right. My concern is not for the xMOW -- believe me, I hate her -- but for the additional chaos it would create in our still-fragile recovery.

 

Again either step up to her stands or divorce. Those are you options. You should be trying to prove yourself every step of the way. I will tell you it gets better the longer you are into the recovery process, but you have to do the work. You did the crime, now you serve the time. You brought this chaos on yourself.

 

Now, I did tell my wife that it's ultimately her choice and won't be angry if she decides to tell the husband. But I still think it's a terrible idea and told her so. And I don't think I was selfish to do so.

 

It was...and is. Tell her that you will be right beside her when she makes the call. My husband was scared as hell to talk with his MOW's BH. But he stepped up and did it. Are you man enough?

 

(For the record, my wife has not been lording my betrayal over me -- she has periods of anger and emotional triggers, but that's completely understandable.)

 

Then give her the benifit of the doubt. Give her what she needs to heal. I promise that she will give it back 10 fold.

[firstandlast]

Here is the truth...YOU CHEATED. Either you want your marriage or you don't. She is setting the standards that she expects from you. You don't like, don't let the door hit in the butt on the way out.

 

Case in point. Who in their right mind would want to reconcile under those terms? If the relationship has devolved into that state, it's better for both people to move on. Reconciling is about both people wanting to stay married and getting what they need from the relationship.

 

I'm willing to do anything within reason to rebuild trust -- email passwords, transparency about where I am, marriage counseling, time, attention, acts of love -- but staying in a marriage where one person sets all the rules is crazy. That's not even a marriage.

[2sunny]

This was a post last November:

 

Your quote:

I can't believe my marriage is in jeopardy over something that meant so little to the xMW -- and that my life is in shambles while the xMW is enjoying her marriage and the thrill of a new A.

 

 

Correction - your M is in jeopardy because your affair meant SO MUCH to you - while your wife meant so little to you then and still - now.

 

That is your real dilemma here.

 

Looks like you haven't done work to change your selfish viewpoint.

 

Did you ever give your wife the whole truth? That the affair did include sex for a long time? Because at the beginning (2011 I believe) you were minimizing the affair and totally lying to your wife).

 

How you've treated your W is not cool.

[underwater2010]

Case in point. Who in their right mind would want to reconcile under those terms? If the relationship has devolved into that state, it's better for both people to move on. Reconciling is about both people wanting to stay married and getting what they need from the relationship.

 

I'm willing to do anything within reason to rebuild trust -- email passwords, transparency about where I am, marriage counseling, time, attention, acts of love -- but staying in a marriage where one person sets all the rules is crazy. That's not even a marriage.

I am telling you what is needed from a BS's point of view. Take it or leave it. You broke the basic rule when you screwed another woman. You either want the marriage or you don't. You need to decide.

[firstandlast]

So - you went back to your W because your OW dumped you?

 

And now you think you should have a say in how your wife handles the recovery process?

 

Man, your wife out to divorce you!

 

Your not sorry you cheated - you're just sorry your MOW got rid of you - and now your W is your second choice.

 

Do your W a favor - let her find a man who will be honest with her - and love, respect and honor her - that guy isn't you.

 

On the contrary, I'm ashamed beyond words. But I'm not going to compound my mistake by letting the marriage grow into some unhealthy prisoner-warden relationship.

 

Yes, it took getting dumped by my xMOW to make me see the light. And my wife has taken me back for now. I know it drives people on this board crazy that she did. I don't deserve her forgiveness. But that's how grace works.

[2sunny]

Case in point. Who in their right mind would want to reconcile under those terms? If the relationship has devolved into that state, it's better for both people to move on. Reconciling is about both people wanting to stay married and getting what they need from the relationship.

 

I'm willing to do anything within reason to rebuild trust -- email passwords, transparency about where I am, marriage counseling, time, attention, acts of love -- but staying in a marriage where one person sets all the rules is crazy. That's not even a marriage.

 

You set your own rule to cheat - without asking permission from your W!

 

Why should she need to ask your permission for anything at this point?

 

You betrayed her! You ruined everything for her!

 

And you've still been pining for years about your OW. You even said you're not that attracted to your W.

 

Do your W a favor and set her free.

 

You don't type words here that show love, honor and respect!

 

And now your STILL trying to call the shots by continuing the lies and cover up!

 

Without putting the truth out there - you have no chance of growing.

 

You're not helping your W by staying - you still want the OW.

[2sunny]

On the contrary, I'm ashamed beyond words. But I'm not going to compound my mistake by letting the marriage grow into some unhealthy prisoner-warden relationship.

 

Yes, it took getting dumped by my xMOW to make me see the light. And my wife has taken me back for now. I know it drives people on this board crazy that she did. I don't deserve her forgiveness. But that's how grace works.

 

Yet you think you should be able to have a say? No way!

 

You gave up the right to have a say when YOU CHEATED!

[whichwayisup]

Case in point. Who in their right mind would want to reconcile under those terms? If the relationship has devolved into that state, it's better for both people to move on. Reconciling is about both people wanting to stay married and getting what they need from the relationship.

 

I'm willing to do anything within reason to rebuild trust -- email passwords, transparency about where I am, marriage counseling, time, attention, acts of love -- but staying in a marriage where one person sets all the rules is crazy. That's not even a marriage.

 

it isn't unreasonable after a dday and the following months ahead and until trust is earned again. don't think it would be cool if you (general you) balked at some rules a BS laid down. Obviously with time and trust, the rules change and lighten up, but as I said earlier, if it goes on 1 year or more with the exact same rules as fresh dday, then it's time to re-access the marriage and if it's best to walk away.

[2sunny]

Did you ever tell your wife EVERYTHING about your affair?

[whichwayisup]

On the contrary, I'm ashamed beyond words. But I'm not going to compound my mistake by letting the marriage grow into some unhealthy prisoner-warden relationship.

 

Yes, it took getting dumped by my xMOW to make me see the light. And my wife has taken me back for now. I know it drives people on this board crazy that she did. I don't deserve her forgiveness. But that's how grace works.

 

Your wife has a big loving forgiving heart, and it takes a strong person (male or female) to work through betrayal and cheating. And the lies. Most can eventually get past the physical side of it, but it's the continuing of lies day in and day out, and pulling it off with being suspected. That's the tough part to work through. Your wife's whole world as she knew got turned upside down, the one person who was supposed to have her back, didn't. She feels you are worthy of a second chance, she loves you that much to want to fix things and allow you to earn her trust back. Big positive there, so I do hope you two can work through this, even if it means you bending more and doing more compromising. Try to put yourself in her shoes and don't let ego get in the way..

 

May I ask? What is your own (personal) deadline in the sense of you hope she trusts you enough that you don't feel chained up and don't want her checking up on you? What is a fair amount of time that you hope she lightens up? D-day was this past November or early fall? That's not a lot of time when you think about it.

[2sunny]

I'd like to say I finally got the courage/morality to give my wife the entire story of my affair, but she found a search in some of my previous posts here, put 2 and 2 together and figured out what I had been keeping from her. So she knows EVERYTHING now.

 

Amazingly, she didn't leave. She hasn't forgiven me yet, and I think leaving is still a possibility for her, but for now she's willing to work things out.

 

And I have to admit, you all were right about needing to tell. Although I had always known that part of my reluctance to tell stemmed from my own self-interest, not burdening her with the whole story was, I thought, a legitimate concern. But she says knowing the full story has actually helped her to begin to heal. And even before her discovery, I was beginning to come around to the idea that she deserved the truth so she could decide for herself whether to stay with me. Her knowing is actually a relief to me, too. No more surprise discoveries -- worrying what new evidence she has found every time my phone rings.

 

We have a long road ahead, and the affair may well have done too much damage to repair. But consider me a convert. Honesty is indeed the best policy.

 

Dude- you didn't ever give her your truth - she found out! She asked you and you still denied it!

 

So given a chance to be honest and you STILL lied to your W!!!

 

She won't trust your for a loooong time! Trust is earned - you haven't earned $hit!

 

She only found out 2 months ago!!! Give your W a break!

 

YES, she should definitely tell the OW's husband! He deserves the truth too!

 

And stop lying and covering up!

 

Your W deserves better!!!!!