firstandlast Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 My wife's and my reconciliation is going well overall, though as expected, we have our good days and bad days. One some particularly bad days, my wife threatens to contact my xMOW's husband to tell him everything. Part of me, the revenge-seeking part of me, wants nothing more than the husband to find out. I think she's getting the best of both worlds, staying married to a financially well-off husband while she pursues multiple affairs. I also understand my wife's anger. And ultimately, he deserves to know -- just as my wife deserved to know -- so he can decide with open eyes whether to remain married, reconcile or renegotiate the terms of the marriage. But at the same time, I don't want my wife or me to be the catalyst. I don't want this woman in my life anymore, and my wife acting out on her threat would a way of resuming contact, however negative the context. Also, I still work at the same company as this woman, and who knows what consequences that would have on my employment (technically, we're on the same team, though I work in a different campus and never interact with her). Am I right in continuing to talk my wife out of it? She suspects I'm still trying to protect the xMOW.
Pierre Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Am I right in continuing to talk my wife out of it? No She suspects I'm still trying to protect the xMOW. She is correct. You are protecting MOW. You want to show MOW you kept your word. 4
Owl Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Am I right in continuing to talk my wife out of it? She suspects I'm still trying to protect the xMOW. Nope. From her perspective, that's EXACTLY what you're doing. If you want to work on your marriage, and demonstrate to your wife that SHE is the person you're most focused on...then sit down with her, discuss your fears/concerns about her contacting xMOW's H, see if there's anything you can do to mitigate those concerns, and then let your wife contact him as need be. 8
KathyM Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 My honest opinion, you are still trying to protect your xMOW and yourself from potential fall out. I seriously doubt this would have repercussions for you, though. It would give her husband back his right to reality, which only you or your wife can provide, unless the xOW decides to come clean, which is doubtful. Also, if your wife does tell him, she will no longer be holding that ability over your head. Just tell him--either you or your wife or both of you together tell him. He deserves to know, and only you or your wife can enlighten him. 5
Decorative Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Your wife is correct, and it should have been done long ago. 2
LFH Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Why exactly are you so focused on revenge anyhow, because you got caught and she didn't? Neither you nor your xOW felt it necessary to tell when you were in the affair, so it's hypocritical of you to want to "reveal all" now. It's perfectly natural for your wife to think that the other spouse should be told however, and since you are the one that violated her trust, if you really want to reconcile you should be honoring her needs. If you don't... and aren't that invested then do what you want and keep talking her out of it. Your reconcilliation doesn't sound like it's going all that well though, despite your claims, if you are viewing your wifes needs/wishes/wants as threats. If she's legitimately making threats, then that doesn't bode well either. 2
Pierre Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 OP probably wants to avoid a very uncomfortable talk with the MOW's husband. 5
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I'm not sure you have the right to dictate whether or not to get in the way if she wants to tell. Yes, it would have been better if she told months ago when she found out the truth but now that she has the desire to tell, talk about it. Really talk about it. The pro's and con's. I could be wrong but it seems you're more concerned about the fallout affecting you rather than anything else. I can understand your wife feeling like you're protecting your exMW too! Are you on some level? 1
Author firstandlast Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 ...but the universal consensus here is that I am. Maybe some more introspection is in order. I really do hope her husband finds out. I'm just concerned about unleashing hell. If this woman knows we tipped her husband off, she has nothing to lose and plenty of motive to retaliate. There's nothing she can tell my wife that she doesn't already know, so I'm not worried about that. I'm more worried about her portraying me as some kind of stalker-type (I've been the exact opposite) and my wife as a crazy woman (which she is not, despite being justifiably angry). And who knows? Maybe she already confessed to her husband anyway. I just want to move on and close this ugly chapter.
Author firstandlast Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 OP probably wants to avoid a very uncomfortable talk with the MOW's husband. Actually, I would take it as an opportunity to apologize. If I had been betrayed like the husband (and my wife), I'd want to avoid any contact at all. But if he ever wanted to talk, I'd talk to him.
Author firstandlast Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 I can't believe she hasn't contacted him yet. My H threatened to leave me if I told. He said it was 'trailer park' behavior, that it was low class, that he wanted it all to go away, and then he said he'd leave if I called him. I stood my ground and kept saying I was telling this man because he deserved to know. My H caved very quickly once he realized I was going to do it. He was protecting OW and himself, just like you are. Her H deserves to know. If your wife wants to tell him, back off. What happened after you told?
Author firstandlast Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 (edited) To who? Between me and my H? Or to OW? I mean, did the OW retaliate? And did her H appreciate your revelation? Edited March 11, 2013 by firstandlast clarity
LadyGrey Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 firstandlast, I think you need to realize that you can't control what your wife does, nor should you try, however I understand that you are worried about the shytestorm. I assume your wife understands all that too, since she has sat on it for this long. I think you just have to give up and understand that isn't up to you. 1
Author firstandlast Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 firstandlast, I think you need to realize that you can't control what your wife does, nor should you try, however I understand that you are worried about the shytestorm. I assume your wife understands all that too, since she has sat on it for this long. I think you just have to give up and understand that isn't up to you. I understand that. It's ultimately up to her, and I'll accept whatever she decides to do. I just think it's a bad idea. 1
LadyGrey Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I understand that. It's ultimately up to her, and I'll accept whatever she decides to do. I just think it's a bad idea. It may be.........but it's not your decision to make. If it turns out to be, deal with it together.
Owl Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 What....really...could she do to you??? Unless you suspect she's going to pose a serious physical threat to you or your wife (and if you do, you probably need to seek legal help), what do you REALLY have to fear from her? Your wife already knows...so any true leverage she had against you is gone. Tell your friends? So what...the one that matters is your wife...and you're already working to reconcile. Really...if she starts much of anything, get a restraining order. 2
underwater2010 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 No you are not right to talk her out of it. All that tells her is that you are still trying to cover up both of your previous actions. Let her tell the other BS. That is her right to do. As a BW, I am telling you that she is interpretting your avoidance of telling as A. Protecting your AP and B. That you have not truly accepted the depth of your actions. So what if it comes out at work....you should never crap where you sleep. Does not matter if you are single or married. A relationship with a coworker stands a big chance at ending badly. You might want to go back and read the employee manual...I am sure there is a clause in there about fraternization with coworkers. 1
BetrayedH Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 My wife's and my reconciliation is going well overall, though as expected, we have our good days and bad days. One some particularly bad days, my wife threatens to contact my xMOW's husband to tell him everything. Part of me, the revenge-seeking part of me, wants nothing more than the husband to find out. I think she's getting the best of both worlds, staying married to a financially well-off husband while she pursues multiple affairs. I also understand my wife's anger. And ultimately, he deserves to know -- just as my wife deserved to know -- so he can decide with open eyes whether to remain married, reconcile or renegotiate the terms of the marriage. But at the same time, I don't want my wife or me to be the catalyst. I don't want this woman in my life anymore, and my wife acting out on her threat would a way of resuming contact, however negative the context. Also, I still work at the same company as this woman, and who knows what consequences that would have on my employment (technically, we're on the same team, though I work in a different campus and never interact with her). Am I right in continuing to talk my wife out of it? She suspects I'm still trying to protect the xMOW. You are wrong to talk your wife out of it. The other betrayed spouse deserves to know, period. It ain't complicated. For once, stop protecting your own interests and think of someone else. And stop trying to drive the bus. You freakin' smashed it up. Your wife can drive the bus now, and if you don't like it, I'm sure you know where the door is. 1
Spark1111 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Actually, I would take it as an opportunity to apologize. If I had been betrayed like the husband (and my wife), I'd want to avoid any contact at all. But if he ever wanted to talk, I'd talk to him. that is because you are classically conflict-avoidant. It is a major reason why you had the affair rather than expressing your unmet needs to your spouse, and why you are afraid now. Time to really, really work on this man if you want to have a stronger marriage and a better life. Time to be accountable for your actions, man up and be HONEST with all and support your wife in WHATEVER she needs to do to heal if you intend to stay married to her. She is watching everything you do and say to evaluate if you have the COURAGE to make this right and help her heal.....If you are the man she thought she fell in love with. . be careful here, bud. If your fear is more important than showing her your strength and conviction to be a better man, you may get your way. She won't inform the OWH but always resent you for it and wind up divorcing you anyway. You have a brief window of opportunity to reconcile successfully and show her where your loyalty lies, or not. How do you SEE yourself? because she is watching everything you do and say now to assess how invested you are in her and her feelings.....or protecting your own azz and that of the OW's too. 1
Spark1111 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 What....really...could she do to you??? Unless you suspect she's going to pose a serious physical threat to you or your wife (and if you do, you probably need to seek legal help), what do you REALLY have to fear from her? Your wife already knows...so any true leverage she had against you is gone. Tell your friends? So what...the one that matters is your wife...and you're already working to reconcile. Really...if she starts much of anything, get a restraining order. and you know something? if you didn't give one whit about any of these consequences while embarking on your affair and continuing it, HOW DARE YOU you voice all these concerns NOW and make your wife, the victim here, be held accountable for trying to do the RIGHT thing by another victim. Why are you treating her like your mother demanding she make it right, keep it quiet, seek no consequences for YOU and your OW???? How unfair can you continue to be to her having these expectations of her???? She needs to be a BETTER person, travel a higher moral road than you and your xOW did? WHY? Time for everyone to grow up here. Time for empathy and support for the true victims...Your wife and her husband. 2
Author firstandlast Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 that is because you are classically conflict-avoidant. It is a major reason why you had the affair rather than expressing your unmet needs to your spouse, and why you are afraid now. Time to really, really work on this man if you want to have a stronger marriage and a better life. Time to be accountable for your actions, man up and be HONEST with all and support your wife in WHATEVER she needs to do to heal if you intend to stay married to her. She is watching everything you do and say to evaluate if you have the COURAGE to make this right and help her heal.....If you are the man she thought she fell in love with. . be careful here, bud. If your fear is more important than showing her your strength and conviction to be a better man, you may get your way. She won't inform the OWH but always resent you for it and wind up divorcing you anyway. You have a brief window of opportunity to reconcile successfully and show her where your loyalty lies, or not. How do you SEE yourself? because she is watching everything you do and say now to assess how invested you are in her and her feelings.....or protecting your own azz and that of the OW's too. Just to make it clear, I'm not protecting the xOW. I think her husband deserves to know, and I couldn't care less what she thinks of me. (I know -- I wasn't so concerned about her husband or right and wrong what I was the OM.) I'm just not convinced that anything good can come out of my wife telling the BH. I don't see how stirring up mud is going to help our marriage. And who knows, maybe the xOW has rededicated herself to her marriage or already confessed. Telling at this point just seems vengeful and besides the point. That said, I want what's best for my wife, so if she brings it up again, I won't talk her out of it. I just think it's a terrible idea.
2sure Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Ask your wife if she would like to tell the BS or if she would prefer you do it or should you do it together. Those are the options. Just knowing that she has your full support, and that doing the right thing is an option you are open to and a risk you are strong enough to take ..will take your reconciliation much further. 2
dreamingoftigers Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 I'm not sure if it's a wayward response or a male one to suggest that "closing a chapter" is to ignore the feelings and issues that might "Rock the boat" fir a short time. I suspect it's a wayward one. My husband played the same type of stuff. Banging the "the let's-just-move-past-this" drum. That doesn't work for a BW EVER. Especially if she thinks it's because you have loyalty to MOW. The fact you let it drag on so long means you might be screwed already. Ignoring the issue and asking BW to "keep calm" will only incubate and inflame the situation in YOUR home instead of putting it in MOW's home where it belongs. Why are you more fearful of MOW's reaction than your wife's feelings regarding the matter?
Spark1111 Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Just to make it clear, I'm not protecting the xOW. I think her husband deserves to know, and I couldn't care less what she thinks of me. (I know -- I wasn't so concerned about her husband or right and wrong what I was the OM.) I'm just not convinced that anything good can come out of my wife telling the BH. I don't see how stirring up mud is going to help our marriage. And who knows, maybe the xOW has rededicated herself to her marriage or already confessed. Telling at this point just seems vengeful and besides the point. That said, I want what's best for my wife, so if she brings it up again, I won't talk her out of it. I just think it's a terrible idea. man! you didn't think of the mud when you were rolling around in it! It IS the kind and human and decent thing to do. SO, your choices are to support your wife and you should BOTH tell him. JUST TELL HIM THE TRUTH! Invite your OW to join. the four of you meet in a public place and put it all HONESTLY on the table. The fact that you think it's vengeful SHOUTS that you are a coward unable of owning the consequences of your actions and ARE NOT supportive of your wife and her feelings. YOU can also inform him it is OVER, you BOTH wish to work on your marriage, have NO DESIRE for further contact EVER and intend to BOTH fully work on your marriage. Answer ALL questions truthfully and never meet again. That is what GROWN-ups do when making amends. So stop fearing the fall out and consequences you and she caused your unsuspecting, victimized BSs.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Arg. You think it's out of vengeance or stirring the pot? If you had been the BS, you would know differently. You would know that she doesn't want to see the only other innocent party continue to be made a fool of in the exact same manner you did to her. A fake marriage is a prison. She empathizes with his position. You don't empathize with her's. You expect her to empathize with yours and just "drop it." Poor BW. I hope that you "get it" soon. I hope you haven't shut down her feelings in any other ways since starting a reconciliation. 2
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