Ex keeps 'accidentally' calling me. Finding it so difficult to move on.

[Fallingleaf]

Hello all,

 

I'm new here and would really appreciate your thoughts on the following problem.

 

I broke up with my ex in July 2011. I still loved him and I think he still loved me but things were becoming unworkable between us. No infidelity, abuse or anything. Rather some issues that I won't bore you all by repeating.

 

I moved to London and secretly hoped that a bit of time & space apart might help us.. He would come down to visit me still & we stayed in touch a lot. The last visit was in November 2011 and didn't go very well. He got very drunk & jealous one night & it was basically a disaster.

 

The next month I travelled home to see him. It was a surprise trip. For me as much as him. I pretty much woke up that morning, realised that I couldn't be without him and needed to sort out all the ridiculousness. When I got home I called him and asked to meet up and he refused! He told me he couldn't deal with my problems at the moment. That his own were more than he could cope with. He point blank refused no matter how much I begged. Just repeating that he couldn't handle it all right now. I told him that I still loved him and he said that he still loved me but not as much as he used to.

 

Clearly I was devastated but resolved not to beg. I went back to London and didn't get in touch with him again. He text me a week later asking If I was OK but I didn't reply. I was too hurt to even feel like communicating with him. I then sent him an email explaining that I loved him very much but would respect his decision. I told him I would be deleting him from my FB and I asked him not to reply to the email. He didn't and I heard nothing else from him.

 

Then in March 2011 I got a call on my work mobile ( I have a company mobile which he has the number for as well as my personal phone) I answered it but there was no noise on the end and I thought nothing of it. I then went out with friends for the night. When I got home I looked at phone again and saw another missed call from the same phone an hour later. There was also a text from my ex aplogising & saying that he had accidentally called my number. It was only then that I realised it was his number as I had deleted him from both my phones. I didn't answer him as I was still really hurting and also assumed he was telling the truth about it being accidental.

 

I didn't contact him again until June 2011, when after a drunken night out I stupidly called him on my company phone. It was late and he didn't answer. Then the next day I got a text from him saying he had a missed call from an unknown number and who was I? I text back saying it was me. I said I was sorry, that I had been missing him and it wouldn't happen again. He text me back and we communicated for a couple of weeks. Then he went quiet on me again. About 4 weeks later, in August 2012, I lost my personal phone (which I had switched to texting him on) on a night out. I didn't send him my new number as I didn't want to look desperate to keep in touch.

 

Then in November I got another call on my company mobile (which he still had the correct number for) It was his number but it only rang a couple of times and then rang off. I didn't respond as he rang off so quickly I was a bit confused. All was silent until the end of January 2013. I got another missed call from him on my company phone. This time I thought I needed to deal with it so I rang him back. He sounded utterly shocked to hear from me (even though he must have known it was me if the phone had gone to my voicemail message) He said that he had called me by accident. I then asked how he could possibly have accidentally called AGAIN. He told me that he had my company number stored under 'P' in his phone and he hadn't recognised the number so had rang to see who it was!! He told me he hadn't intentionally meant to call me. So I then told him to do me a favour and delete my number so it couldn't happen again. Then I hung up on him.

 

So is it an accident or is he just messing with my head? It seems highly odd behaviour from a man who always used to claim that there's no such thing as coincidence! The worst of it is that I still love him dearly and desperately want him back in my life. It's making it really hard for me to move on and I am so so miserable about it. I'm with someone else now but I can't stop thinking about my ex. It's spoiling everything for me.

 

Sorry for the extra long post by the way. If nobody wants to answer it I will more than understand:o

[The Tallest One]

Fallingleaf, I'm sorry your going through what your going through! I know it's hard to randomly get calls from him accidentally or not! The sporadic contact keeps him in your thoughts and its making it hard for you to move on!

 

As long as he has deleted you from his phone, it shouldn't happen anymore! I'm sorry that it is affecting your current relationship as well! This is not judgement at all, just wondering if you say you still want to be back with him, are you sure you should be dating someone right now?

 

I am only thinking about your well being and if this only makes things harder for you! We all want to be loved and cared about but you don't seem like you have moved on from ex?

[Fallingleaf]

Thank you for your reply Tallest.

 

You're right. It makes it so much harder to forget & move on when they keep contacting you. Not that I actually want to move on! I didn't want him out of my life in the first place. That is what makes it all so painful.

 

My new guy is the first person I've dated in any serious (as in more than just a bit of fun) since my ex stopped wanting to see me. The more time I spend with him the sadder I get. He is a sweet, kind boy but I constantly look at him and wish he was my ex. It's totally unfair on him and I really think I need to end things.

 

I can't see myself every falling in love again. Nobody comes close to my ex. I can't even really get on with my life in any more than a living from day to day capacity. I can't see the point in planning for my future because I can't really see one without him. Pathetic I know.

[KatZee]

First you really need to break up with your current boyfriend. It really isn't fair to string him along when you have such strong feelings for your ex. To use him as some sort of cushion for your pain is only going to inflict pain on HIM when you wind up dumping him down the line.

 

I think you need to request a new number for your work line and really focus on putting the ex in the past. Maybe you feel you need closure and that's why you're still hung up on it, but that has to come from you.

 

You stated your intentions with your ex, let him know you wanted him back but it was not reciprocated. Focus on you for a while. Be single. Grieve.

 

You WILL fall in love again. Trust me. I felt the same way when my first love broke up with me. Thought i'd never love again... lo and behold, I did. That is now over as well, and I will love again. This I'm certain. There is so much on earth to be thankful for and happy about. Don't let this ruin your life because you're going to wake up one day and be SO upset at all the time you wasted. I spent SEVEN YEARS (yes you read that right) hung up on my first love. I didn't do anything to move on. I was also naive and inexperienced and there wasn't all this stuff on the internet like there is now. I ruined my college experience. I missed out on SO MUCH because of how I wallowed, and walked around feeling sorry for myself.

 

I'm out of a 3 year relationship for 10 months now and I'm having the time of my life. Really redirect your focus. And complete NC. It WORKS.

Edited March 11, 2013 by KatZee