craigervine Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Hey guys, first post on this forum. I found it recently and thought some of the advice on show was great,now i need your help. backstory: i met a girl about 6 months ago whom i clicked with instantly... It was magical. Hollywood romance stuff. Alot in common and pretty much my type physically. Cutting along story short after a whirlwind courting process i finally landed the girl of my dreams. I absolutely love her to death, see her everyday, her friends love me and want to marry her.... the best part is she feels exactly the same. I sometimes felt like crying with joy at what i have found, as this is incredibly rare to find a true soulmate like this. Our sex life (after a slow start due to my body insecurities) has been very healthy, we please each other and are open to each others needs and wants.... she finds me insanely attractive (i am a reasonably good looking guy but i am farrrr from perfect). Then a funny thing happened. A good mate of mine (however a crude, manipulative friend...similar to stiffler from american pie, and has a reputation for getting in peoples ears) one day started to talk down about her and her looks, i was upset at this then he backed off and just said as a friend he thinks i could do better and just looking out for me. i was upset he would say thi about her,and purely to stir me he would say it in the week or two since (up to now). im at a point where i dont want to see him for it, but he did admit to me he is jealous that i spend time with her and rarely him these days (but i couldnt tell if he was serious). he has also has had a very rough last few months in his personal life that may have added to his mindstate. i have had other friends say shes pretty... not that i should care at all. but since this time my lust for her as pretty much died,i dont know why. we have been going out 5 months and tonight i couldnt even get it up.... i admit a bit of it was anxiety about the situation. but im absolutely scared to death i wont look at her sexually the same way again and its driving me crazy with depression. i love her more than life itself and this i cant see ever dying..and i cant work out why this has happened. maybe its the thought im not 'batting above my average' like i thought. it just seems a stupid scenario when people have severe problems out there. but will the sexual arousal come back? i would describe her more as 'cutesy' than sexy. more nicole kidman than kardashian if that helps. but she IS most certainly attractive. i feel so horrible at this and at myself for reacting this way. i am guilty for coming here even, i also feel guilty at still being aroused by porn.. and i dont know what to do. Someone, please help.
Author craigervine Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 (edited) i should also add i would still love her and spend the rest of my life with her if she was plain ugly (which she isnt by any means) and i dont believe i would ever leave her...but that doesnt help when i need to get aroused sexually, and she is a sexual person. i should ALSO mention i have gained a bit of weight recently and dont feel too good about myself. This is also a recent development. Edited March 11, 2013 by craigervine
TaserTag Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I find it really immature and pathetic that you're no longer attracted to your girlfriend because a toxic friend of yours told you he finds her unattractive. You shouldn't be letting him disrespect her like that to begin with, and yet you've kept seeing him and letting him make his negative comments. You should have cut him off when he continued to disrespect you and ignore your feelings. If your girlfriend is your type physically, you instantly fell in lust with her, you have a great sex life, and she is 'the girl of your dreams'... I really don't get this. I don't even get what sort of friend feels the need to constantly tell you that a girl you love is unattractive. But maybe you and your friend are well matched, if he's able to play you so easily If you are that obsessed with what one of your 'friends' says, then I don't think that you should be in a relationship, period. It seems like you're having trouble sexually because you're obsessing over your friend and feel so bad about yourself. Maybe you should get some counseling for why you feel so poorly about you. And hang out with more supportive people in general, and get rid of the negative/toxic ones.
TigerCub Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 oyi... If all it takes is one idiot friend to talk about her - and Boom!! you're no longer attracted to her - then please break up with her so she can find someone better (and from this story - it seems like it wont be very difficult) If you were happy with her and you loved her and you thought she was such a catch - you wouldn't give two ****s what some idiot thinks - but there you are. You're blaming the fact that you can't get it up on her - maybe you're just inadequate? So just because you thought you were getting someone above you league - that was what kept that "love" alive and now you're thinking "meh, she's really not above my league - well at least according to dumb dumb my idiot friend - so...well that love is over" UGH!! And for the record - you still being aroused by porn is normal - it is not an indication that your girl isn't hot anymore - everyone likes porn when they're single or not. Anyways, whatever, you seem really immature and I highly question your "love" if it can be so easily shaken.
Author craigervine Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 (edited) Tiger my love is not shaken, it remains intact. More than ever. if she became disabled tomorrow (God forbid) i would stay by her every second of the day for the rest of our lives. Its just the 'lust' factor has dissipated. i dont care what he thinks, i dont consider him a good friend anymore despite the fact he has apologised, he is a longstanding friend and i dont think i care what he thinks..its just the arousal went around the same time he said it, which i found weird. i feel dirty and horrible. i am obviously insecure somehow and i can get over that. im just scared my anxiety will take over. Edited March 11, 2013 by craigervine
Author craigervine Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 Taser, perhaps i am immature and pathetic and i think i will cut this toxic person away. You say you dont get this...i dont get it either
TaserTag Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 You say that you don't care what your friend thinks, but you've certainly let him get into your head. Now you say you think you're "not batting above your average," which is disgusting, and you're obsessed with how your girlfriend looks TO OTHER PEOPLE. You seem so worried about how your relationship looks to other people and how you look. Those are really issues you should work through before getting into a relationship with someone. Because eventually your "maybe this girl isn't good enough for me" issues are likely going to mess up your girlfriend, who you claim to love. You say "if she became disabled tomorrow (God forbid) i would stay by her every second of the day for the rest of our lives." Focusing on fanciful what-if scenarios doesn't mean anything. It sounds good, but you haven't even really defended your girlfriend from someone calling her ugly. You can't even get over feeling unattractive yourself. It sounds like you're still aroused just fine by porn, so this is more all in your head. And has it just been one time so far that you weren't able to get an erection with your girlfriend? 1
Author craigervine Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 yes just one time i havent got hard. although luckily i eventually did after much embarrassment. but sex didnt feel good because iwas anxious. and i did defend my girlfriend. i was getting pretty upset. i can tell you with complete confidence i do love her. i just think its a snowball effect, he said what he said and the fact he just broke up with his ex because he wasnt attracted to her anymore (which put the thought of lost attraction in my head ) and i think i got over his words, but then i started thinking about attraction, then i got anxiety about losing attraction...im sitting here in a mild state of panic while i type... i also panicked when i went up to her room today in case i didnt feel anything ... which in turn makes me less relaxed. see how im screwed and need advice? lol
TigerCub Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Tiger my love is not shaken, it remains intact. More than ever. if she became disabled tomorrow (God forbid) i would stay by her every second of the day for the rest of our lives. Its just the 'lust' factor has dissipated. i dont care what he thinks, i dont consider him a good friend anymore despite the fact he has apologised, he is a longstanding friend and i dont think i care what he thinks..its just the arousal went around the same time he said it, which i found weird. i feel dirty and horrible. i am obviously insecure somehow and i can get over that. im just scared my anxiety will take over. What good is that love? I wouldn't want that kind of love from my bf - to say "oh I love you I'll take care of if you're crippled but ya know I'm absolutely not attracted to you - its really because my friend thinks I can do better - I'm realizing that I'm not batting above average with you ... UGH! I know! So disappointing, but don't worry I still love you" Nobody wants that kind of crap love. And don't say that you don't care what your friend thinks because you obviously do - because the minute he said **** about her was when you realized you're not attracted to her. 1
Author craigervine Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 my concern is getting the attraction back and getting past the anxiety
boywonder123 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 take my advise since i was in the exact same situation as you. After talking to ure friend and having these "thoughts in you head" did have an impact on you and your confidence level has been lowered. U did say you gained some weight which i was in a similar situation. Heres what you can do to help your anxiety and "performance, to get the little guy up again" 1st: start working out and doing some cardio. working out helps with BLOOD FLOW circulation and boost your confidence and helps reduce stress/anxiety. 2nd: not sure how ure eating habits are but you could be lacking some nutrients and also lacking some good quality sleep. read up on ZMA pills that helps boost your testosterone levels. 3rd: talk to you partner about your "issue" and your partner could help you feel more at ease and not make the "issue" a big deal" which will help you feel less anxious. your partner could also spice things up to help you get your guy "up". hope this helps, it worked for me. 1
boywonder123 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 oh and i think that once you have the "spark" back in bed, you will find her attractive again. its normal to feel withdrawn when you arent performing well. once you fixed this cycle things should improve with your relationship. 1
Author craigervine Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 well tiger you have served it to me. if your aim was to make me feel like absolute **** you win. but what do i do from here? for the record...i do love her, with proper love, despite what you may think. i dont know for a fact whether my friends words got to me, i just think the timing is interesting.
Author craigervine Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 thanks boywonder theres hope after all. i feel once i get relaxed and the spark comes back it will be back. i just hope i havent hit that period where you just get 'bored' of your gf sexually. this DOES happen but usually over a long time. i should also add i lost my job at christmas, stacked on 8 kilos since then. im a pretty positive person but life has got to me in general and im sure this has taken its toll. She is the one good thing in my life and i will never give up on her, or cheat or anything.
outsidethebox Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Lose some weight and get a job and you'll feel better. Easier said than done.
Lauriebell82 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I don't think it has anything to do with her attractiveness or your a-hole of a friend. You are insecure about your own body and you said you have gained weight...therefore, when you let your friend manipulate you, it allowed you to find some kind of bodily imperfection of HERS. Get over your own body issues, your gf seems to think you are attractive, that should improve your self esteem considerably! Also, lose your friend, he's an idiot. I doubt your "lust" is gone, it's just on temporary hiatus. I agree with boywonder about the working out, that will help both with your sexual energy, metabolism, and it will just plain make you feel better. Plus help you to lose weight. It's all in your head. You just need to take steps to get it out. 1
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