WelshKoala Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Hi all Thought it was about time I talked to some people with experience about this. I'm quite new to dating, but i've grown in confidence lately and really feel like I both want and need a relationship now. I'm a 26 year old gay male, I've not met many guys at all in the past, and I guess I'm still finding and creating my identity and realising who I am. Lately more than ever. Anyway, I'm quite discreet about my sexuality and so I tend to rely on internet dating or introductions from friends. Just over a month ago I met a guy online via Plenty Of Fish (POF), we went on a date and it went REALLY well. We just got along like we knew each other for ages, we were comfortable around each other, and ended up spending the whole day together instead of just the afternoon. But I wasn't expecting things to go the way they did... On the eve of our first date, he suggested we go back to my house, we did, and he jumped straight in my bed (fully clothed!!) and wanted a cuddle. We did, it was great, a bit quick but I liked it. Great day. What I didn't expect was for him to come to my house after work every day after that for the next few days and cuddle in my bed all night! He was very forward about it, but it was nice, we talked too by asking each other questions, but they were mostly intimate questions. Also, he insisted we took our clothes off cuddling until the 4th day we were naked. But it wasn't really what I wanted, even though it was real nice, but I kick myself now for not being more forward. I'm a little worried he might just get offended and not return I guess. Well we were play fighting that 4th night pretending to try and read each others phones and I think we went a bit too far with it and he got a little upset. He went quiet and then said to me 'I think we are moving too quick'. There was a little tension then and he suggested he left but I said no just stay its fine and things were better. After that, we've been meeting once a week roughly, but he always comes to my place, we normally cook or get a take away then go straight into bed. Week by week we've been getting more and more sexually intimate. And now we've basically gone 'all the way', but it just seems too soon :S . I didn't want it to go this way. So I realised that perhaps he's too used to meeting other guys for one night stands. He's told me that he would regularly meet guys this way online for 'fun' but now he decided he wants more than that. So forward to our most recent meet, it was another nice evening. But at the end of the evening he said to me 'I'm really confused'. I asked why and he wouldn't tell me at first then he did. He said things like, 'I want to take things slow', 'I don't want to hurt you' and 'I want to make sure this is what I want'. This left me confused but I was ignorant at the time and didn't really say anything, I didn't want to. I wish I did. I noticed that he didn't really tend to ask about how I felt. I txt him the day after and we had a conversation about the above. He was still confusing me saying.. 'I dont know, I dont know. I'm so confused in my head with what I want. I like spending time with you! I just don't want to rush anything. You're such a genuine lovely guy.' I said to him I'm still confused. And he said 'let's just go with it, we have been rushing with the cuddling and not getting out of the house to test our personalities more.' What's frustrating is that I had hinted at this several times over the past month! Then he said 'I'm so scared of commitment I know I want to I'm just woried I'm not ready!' I didn't know what to say to that, but then I said to him why dont you ask me what I want. And then I explained that I liked him, and that Im not interested in anyone else, and Id like us to spend more time outside the bed to get to know each other better. And he said he definitely agreed. But then he said... 'If its meant to be its meant to be, if its not then you're such a lovely bloke you'll have no problem finding the one!' Then tried to steer the conversation away, leaving me more confused again. He said look lets just go back to dating again and see how things go and suggested we meet the weekend away from the house to watch a rugby match. So that's where I am now. I really like the guy, I'm physically attracted, I like his personality a lot, we get along so well, and although I'm trying hard to hold back my feelings, I can tell I'm getting closer and starting to rely on his company and his communication. I'm feeling on edge and full of anxiety lately wondering what he's thinking. There's not a lot of communicaiton between us when we aren't together and I always seem to be the one who initiates a conversation. Another thing worth noting is that a few days to a week after we met, we both said we are no longer logging into the dating sites. As in, we don't want to speak to anyone else. We've even been showing each other's phones saying look I deleted the app, look I haven't logged in, etc. I'm not sure this is healthy, and right now it feels like a limitation. I genuinely haven't been talking to anyone else, but maybe he has... Sorry for the long text, thanks for reading, does anyone have any advice on this for me at all? I'm struggling at the moment as I want to continue dating him but those words that he gave me have left me wonder if I'm heading in the right direction. I wish I could stop feeling so anxious all the time. Whatever advice you can offer is greatly appreciated, thanks again all!
will1988 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 It sounds to me like he does not really know what he wants either. It sounds like he might like you a little bit, but also likes being single and ready to mingle if you catch my drift. He may be using as a FWB situation... actually to me that is totaly what it sounds like. Honestly, though it does not sound like he is mature enough for a relationship with you at this point, also it it sounds like he is trying to let you off easy. I'd say either stay FWB with this guy if all you want is the sex, or break it off now before you two become entrenched in the FWB situation and your feeling for him grow. Good luck! 1
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 You seem like a wonderful guy, who has a lot to offer in a relationship. My take unfortunately, is that he knows what he wants. He wanted an FWB. He set the pace and frequency, not you. Now he's looking for an exit. The relationship seems to have centered around your bedroom rather than on outside activities and learning about each other in different environments. The latter would be more indicative of a boyfriend relationship. Have you even been to his place? If everything you know about him comes primarily from your chats in your bed, you really have little idea who this guy truly is. My sense is, based on what you've shared, that things have run their course from his perspective, and he's now looking for an easy way to end things without being overly hurtful. He wants out, rather than to work on things. Don't resist or argue that you'll do things differently or also want different things. Instead, accept what he says. He knows what he wants. It's just not what you want. It will be much easier and less painful for you in the long run if you accept that rather than working on your premise that he's confused or conflicted. He isn't. He's just giving you the "It's not you...it's me" excuse. That's less hurtful than the "you aren't what I want anymore" reason. FWIW, a word of advice for your next relationship: don't do things that are uncomfortable for you. Heed your boundaries, and learn to stick with them. They are there for a reason. Cuddling with him in your bed on your first date felt off for a reason. Ultimately, the relationship needs to be on both your terms, not just your date's. If not, when things end, you'll feel horrible about always prioritizing his wishes over yours, in addition to dealing with the sadness of an unwanted breakup. Again, you sound like a great guy. You'll meet a wonderful guy soon who will want a relationship with you. Getting there sometimes takes a bit of trial and error. Best! 1
Author WelshKoala Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 Thank you both for your responses! I really appreciate it! It sounds like you are both possibly right. I still haven't met since but we are planning to meet tomorrow AWAY from the bedroom as I mentioned, and this was HIS idea. I'd like to confront him tomorrow and ask him what's going on in his head and what makes him scared of commitment, I'd like to ask him what positives he sees in us and also what negatives outweigh them. Do you think this is OK? Feels a little like an unanswered question if I just leave it. I certainly won't start forcing him to change his mind, I wouldn't do that to anyone. I haven't heard from him much recently and the texts have been brief and just lacking the enthusiasm they once had. It's such a shame it's gone this way, perhaps it will pick up again, but I'm bracing myself for something closer to an answer tomorrow so that I know which way to steer my mind. Thanks again guys I'll keep you posted if you don't mind
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 Personally, I don't think "confront" would be the action to take on this date. IIRC, you've been seeing each other for one month? Normally, I think communication is great, and I encourage it, but in this particular situation I wouldn't. He said things were moving too quickly and he felt overwhelmed. A heavy conversation trying to pin him down on whether he's serious is best saved for some other point. So, go out on the date. Enjoy it. Go with the flow, and let him take the lead in directing how the conversation goes. After a few dates in the "real" world, you can broach the "what are we" and "where are we going" discussions if he doesn't. When you do so, I would be non-confrontational. I find curiosity works well given how things have unfolded between you both thus far. Hope you have fun! 1
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 ...I haven't heard from him much recently and the texts have been brief and just lacking the enthusiasm they once had. It's such a shame it's gone this way, perhaps it will pick up again, but I'm bracing myself for something closer to an answer tomorrow so that I know which way to steer my mind. Thanks again guys I'll keep you posted if you don't mind One other thing: actions often give you a more honest picture than words will when the topic is a difficult one to discuss. Good luck and keep us posted. 1
Author WelshKoala Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 Thanks for the reply, I've done what you said and not confronted him... But the 'date' on the weekend didn't go as planned. Shortly after I posted on here, he finally got back to me with some plans. He was going into the city with two of his mates and his words sort of said we are getting on this train at this time, try and get on the train if you can it would be good if you could join us. He also said that if I couldn't make it, he would ask his old school mate to join him as his friends had tickets and he didn't so he would be on his own. So this confirmed that it wasn't a date at all. Well I went there and met him and he was just far too passionate about the match to think about anything else, and silly me, we ended up touting very expensive tickets. Felt like I did it just for his sake. Well afterwards he said to me OK I've got an idea, instead of us going to meet everyone in town later drinking, why don't we go straight to your house now, get a take away and then we can pick up his friends later. I thought hmm ok not really what I wanted to do as I was supposed to see my friends but ok, sounds good. Well we got to mine, got food straight away but then his friends called and asked us to pick them up there and then. So he suggested we pick them up, drop them back, go to his house to pick up some stuff to sleep over (He lives near them) then back to mine. But then just as we were leaving, he suddenly changed his mind. I could tell he made an excuse about having to feed the cat, then in the car he said to me 'hmmmm i dunno i think ill just go back home and go back to my own bed now'. I was like Oh ok i thought you were staying over? But he just said he thinks he would just rather be in his own bed. I told him that I felt a little let down and he just apologised, dropped him off, he txt to say thanks for the night and that was it. (By the way, we were using my car, my petrol and driving for about an hour) Lately we haven't txt much, and the conversations are once again very brief and lacking substance. Last night during our txt conversation I asked 'so when shall we do something next?' and I never received a reply back. So he unfortunately avoided the question. It sounds like Saturday was just a way of using me to get tickets and get lifts. I really want to know what's going on, what's happened, and why he was so keen then suddenly decided against it, and why he continues to talk, but also keep changing his mind about things. I can't stand being on edge... Sorry to rant, thanks guys
kassy Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 As hard as it is to hear, he is not into you except for sex. I think an important thing to learn when dating is that when someone who you are intimate with treats you like rubbish, you don't need to understand why, or find out what is going on. Because it doesn't matter. Whatever the reason it is irrelevant, the situation is he has from the beginning not been what you are looking for and more so as time has gone on. You seem like a really great guy. End things with him. Take some time lick your wounds have fun hanging out with friends, go to the gym whatever makes you happy. Then when you ready go out and find someone who is super excited to be with you. It's not easy but it'll be worth it. Best of luck 1
Author WelshKoala Posted March 21, 2013 Author Posted March 21, 2013 As hard as it is to hear, he is not into you except for sex. I think an important thing to learn when dating is that when someone who you are intimate with treats you like rubbish, you don't need to understand why, or find out what is going on. Because it doesn't matter. Whatever the reason it is irrelevant, the situation is he has from the beginning not been what you are looking for and more so as time has gone on. You seem like a really great guy. End things with him. Take some time lick your wounds have fun hanging out with friends, go to the gym whatever makes you happy. Then when you ready go out and find someone who is super excited to be with you. It's not easy but it'll be worth it. Best of luck Hi Kassy, Thanks for your response, I really appreciate it. It seems that ending this is clearly the way to go. It's such a shame as we seemed to get along so well, it felt so right at the beginning. And I've never felt so right about anyone I've met, clearly he has a few things to sort in his own mind/life before he lets someone in. Seeing as we text I'm trying to think of things to say/how to say what I need to. I'm worried I might say something I regret or say too much. I would much rather we talk on phone or in person about it. In person would be best for me. I hate texts, its so false. So do I just send a text or phone him to talk to him about it today or tomorrow, or try and get him to meet up for an hour on the weekend to discuss it properly in person...
kassy Posted March 21, 2013 Posted March 21, 2013 Just give him a call, say whatever you need to say, don't expect much in return. He may give you some stock standard lines, he may not say much because he doesn't have much to say or feels a bit ambushed. Don't worry about saying the wrong thing, just remember to be civil and if it turns into a fight, fight fair. Whatever he says its unlikely to give you closure, but if you need to talk do it, then move on. Break ups with someone you felt chemistry with are really hard, but something you have to do sadly. I'd personally have a friend to call afterwards or go for a beer with or for a run with who knows the whole deal afterwards. But that's just me, deal with it however you think would help you best Good luck, On to bigger and better things eh
Author WelshKoala Posted March 25, 2013 Author Posted March 25, 2013 Just give him a call, say whatever you need to say, don't expect much in return. He may give you some stock standard lines, he may not say much because he doesn't have much to say or feels a bit ambushed. Don't worry about saying the wrong thing, just remember to be civil and if it turns into a fight, fight fair. Whatever he says its unlikely to give you closure, but if you need to talk do it, then move on. Break ups with someone you felt chemistry with are really hard, but something you have to do sadly. I'd personally have a friend to call afterwards or go for a beer with or for a run with who knows the whole deal afterwards. But that's just me, deal with it however you think would help you best Good luck, On to bigger and better things eh Hi Kassy (and everyone else), Well it went a little differently to plan. He asked me to go to the cinema with him on Saturday (on the Friday) so I agreed, he text me in the morning to ask if we are still doing something and he decided he wanted to go for a walk and get food instead. We did, it was nice, then we cooked food at mine instead of buying food out to save money and have privacy. Well we were pretty much laying in my bed ALL day and night cuddling, and of course other stuff happened. He said he would stay the night too and he did. That night, as we were cuddling he did the whole 'im confused im confused i just dont know i dont know' thing again and I said look just tell me what's going on in your head. Well it was the same conversation all over again but we just carried on cuddling and watching TV and went to sleep. In the morning, he did the same confused line again, and I sat him up and said ok look we need to sort this once and for all now. I said to him look, if you don't know what you want, then how am I supposed to know how to act, talk and just be around you? Especially knowing how much I like you and what I would like to come out of this at some point. He said that its a big life decision for him (partnering up), and he's contemplating other stuff like work and things too. He also mentioned that in a past relationship it took 6 months for him to go from seeing someone to actually becoming a couple. I said to him that I'm not sure if 6 months will work for me, I just feel that I like you a lot I get along with you so well, and just want to go with the flow and see what happens. He just didn't know what to say as he still seemed confused and started getting upset crying which I didn't expect! He said he didn't want to stop seeing me as he really enjoys my company, and he's been spending many of his weekends with just me. I guess it shows that he knows something is there between us. I told him look let's leave things here, let's stop this as I just can't handle the fact that you just don't know what you want because it leaves me in an awkward anxious position. He didn't want to, and neither did I, but I felt good at myself for actually being bold and standing my ground, taking control. However, today, I just don't know if I made the right decision? I really want to keep seeing him, it just feels wrong to stop something so great. He wanted to keep texting me but I sorta said no, but think that was a bit too far. I really want to text him today to talk to him, just don't want this to end, feeling a bit stuck!
kassy Posted March 25, 2013 Posted March 25, 2013 Gah it sucks huh! Well done for standing your ground. Situations like this are the worst. Ultimately if he can't give you what you know you want from him then he isn't someone you should date now or you are just going to get more hurt. Stick to your guns, it'll be tough, but you don't need to be with someone who can't decide if they like you and want to date you. Best of luck! 1
mcltlts Posted March 27, 2013 Posted March 27, 2013 If you're really into him, you'll try your very best to keep up to what he wants., i mean, that's the true essence of love right? it has to be unconditional,. He didn't directly say that he don't want a relationship, he just want to be reassured that he's sure about the both of you being together, he is just trying to make sure that he is sure of what he feels because he don't want to hurt you in the long run.. maybe he saw you as a really good person and doesn't what to hurt you just because of his messed up feelings,. He's just concerned that he might broke your heart if things go fast. And love does not mean SEX always, maybe he just got into a situation where that happens and just got disappointed in the long run,. he doesn't want that to happen to anyone, specially you. Its okay to be intimate, but in that short amount of time? maybe he likes it too, and you admitted that you like it. but imagine this: If he just want to be FWB with you, why do he still want to make an effort to know you better, to hang out together? He might just be taking your relationship seriously and you should trust your partner in whatever he do,. don't ask to much, he might think that you're doubting him, and that might push him away for good. Just go slow, enjoy each others company, know each other better, make memories. Fall in love. Don' hold back. <3 1
Author WelshKoala Posted March 28, 2013 Author Posted March 28, 2013 If you're really into him, you'll try your very best to keep up to what he wants., i mean, that's the true essence of love right? it has to be unconditional,. He didn't directly say that he don't want a relationship, he just want to be reassured that he's sure about the both of you being together, he is just trying to make sure that he is sure of what he feels because he don't want to hurt you in the long run.. maybe he saw you as a really good person and doesn't what to hurt you just because of his messed up feelings,. He's just concerned that he might broke your heart if things go fast. And love does not mean SEX always, maybe he just got into a situation where that happens and just got disappointed in the long run,. he doesn't want that to happen to anyone, specially you. Its okay to be intimate, but in that short amount of time? maybe he likes it too, and you admitted that you like it. but imagine this: If he just want to be FWB with you, why do he still want to make an effort to know you better, to hang out together? He might just be taking your relationship seriously and you should trust your partner in whatever he do,. don't ask to much, he might think that you're doubting him, and that might push him away for good. Just go slow, enjoy each others company, know each other better, make memories. Fall in love. Don' hold back. <3 Grrr this is conflicting what everyone else is saying but kinda what Ive been thinking! I thought to myself surely he can't just want FWB if he's still making an effort? I want to take things slow absolutely. I just felt frustrated and not knowing where I was or where things were going when he kept saying he didn't know what he wants. It makes me think that I'm ultimately spending time with him for nothing (in a way). I think I'm a bit weak at controlling my feelings though and he's much stronger, which scares me. I feel like I'm a bit of a worrying needy person around him, I never show it, but feel it, and I know he's nothing like that. I could easily fall for him if I just completely let go... I've already sort of told him we're done now and that was so difficult. But the hardest part is afterwards! I'm upset today as I just noticed he's back on a dating site, and it says he's looking for a relationship which also confuses me. Have I made a mistake? This is so difficult!
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 (edited) He's making an effort??? He had you tag along to an event because he didn't have a ticket and didn't want to be alone in case his friends got in (seeing they had tickets) and he didn't. Then he proceeded to use you as a chauffeur for him and his friends, before reneging on his promise of alone time with you, and heading in to his place alone without you. Have you gone on an actual one-on-one date since your chat? Please enlighten us about these efforts of his... Edited March 28, 2013 by Cutiepie1976
mcltlts Posted March 28, 2013 Posted March 28, 2013 I'm not that kind of person who easily give up on love specially if i know it's worth fighting for.. It's obvious that he is confused even in his actions,. (e.g. decision making, and sudden change of thoughts) maybe there are things that is going on in his mind that he isn't ready to say or comfortable to open up.., yes, you may already been intimate to each other but you cannot say that you already know the story of the person,. Let him open up to you, laugh together, share hobbies, just be friends at the moment.. Let the circumstance open up the things you really want to say to each other,. in that way you can understand each other without even trying to ask "why?" look what happened when you rush things? Regrets. But on the other hand,. know your boundaries, your limitations,. a good relationship wouldn't hurt you (unless it is worth it).. Be strong, don't fall head over heels for him r you might end up hitting your head on the ground,. Don't let your heart take over your mind, keep it balance, i know it's hard, that's why it is the best thing to do,. Let your heart lead the way BUT keep your head tact. BOTH heads. Respect each other and don't always give in to his actions,. you'll know if he's only using you or not,. Why don't you try to ask him a favor, anything, and thank him for that,. and one last thing, don't expect anything even if you know you've already given so much. If it really hurts, let go. The problem is not how much you're willing to give, is what that person would either like to receive it or not..
Author WelshKoala Posted April 2, 2013 Author Posted April 2, 2013 (edited) Well I thought I should post this update to you guys. I offered him to come around to my house for an hour last week for a chat. He suggested he pick up alcohol 'to make things easier'. He was very late arriving and phoned me just before he arrived asking if he could stay the night, I just said OK. So we talked and I finally got more out of him. He said that i'm genuinely a lovely guy but he's a very 'sexual' person and that he's not sure he's ready for a relationship right now. He said that he's not sure what's happening with his job and where he wants to live (although it would still be local). Which frustrated me as I'm probably in a less predictable work/living situation than him. But, then he went on to tell me that he had been back in contact with his ex (obviously while he was seeing me) and that he wanted to meet back up with him for 'fun' (in so many words), and briefly talked about quite unusual fetishes they shared (of which I think he knows doesn't interest me). He said you probably think I'm weird and a horrible person. I'm way too nice a person and just said nooo I don't think you are. But deep down I think he's disrespectful and selfish for putting relationship thoughts into my head and then telling me all this. Then again, it seems that he just wanted a heavily sexual relationship, and I don't want that much intensity, especially not at the beginning of the relationship for sure! Clearly I'm not sexual enough for him, which is fair enough. Anyway, that actually put me off him a bit which makes things easier getting over him. We agreed we would be friends, he said can we be friends with benefits, I said no. I'm gutted as I really felt a connection, and although hes selfish, I liked spending time with him even as a friend. But I'm not sure if I should stay friends? There's a good chance as well that he might tempt me back into bed, but I'm quite good at controlling my urges, and only feel the fire when there's a spark, so I don't want that to happen. The thought of him seeing other blokes and then trying it with me again disgusts me a little. So that's where we are. It looks like its all over. Such a shame as all my life I hadn't met anyone that I felt so good with within such a short amount of time. My biggest problem at the moment is I still can't stop thinking about him and lots of things remind me of him, especially in my house as he was here a lot. It's very frustrating! Thank you for all the help offered so far Also, forgot to mention, someone I talk to online just so happened to tell me that he had talked to him online just a few days ago on a hookup site saying he's interested in fun but also a relationship and dates. They stopped contact once they found out who it was (at least thats what they told me anyway). Edited April 2, 2013 by WelshKoala
Cutiepie1976 Posted April 2, 2013 Posted April 2, 2013 Sorry it didn't work out, WelshKoala. His loss, really, since you sound like a wonderful guy. Unfortunately you just wanted different things from the very beginning. I can understand that you feel very hurt right now. There are, however, quite a few lessons to be learned from this experience. Hopefully, at some point, you'll rewind the tape and take a critical look at the various signs along the way, and how you might have handled things differently. That will help you to avoid a repeat in the future. Don't put your heart on the line for someone who doesn't want it. Learning to walk away as soon as it's obvious the other person doesn't want the same things that you do will be a valuable skill to develop. Hopefully this experience will nudge you to do that in the future. That will save you from a lot of grief and heartache. Strong feelings are wonderful. But they are entirely irrelevant if the other person wants something else. Someone wonderful will come along. Don't worry. Just keep the faith. Good luck!
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