MrMoody Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 (English isn't my first language, so please forgive me for any mistakes/inconsistencies etc.) I met my first girlfriend when I was 14, at my very first dance class (I'm still a professional dancer now). The sweetest, most innocent looking thing I had ever seen. We started dating at 16, lost my virginity at 17, and at 19, I was standing on top of a roof ready to kill myself. I would have jumped, had my best friend not texted me that very moment, making me laugh, snap out of the moment & realize i could not do this to my friends & family. About a year and a half after we started dating I discovered she cheated on me. I immediately broke up with her, understanding she didnt care as much about me, let alone love me, as much as I loved her. She then called/texted me every day, until I finally decided to meet up with her so she could explain herself. She told me how sorry she was, she couldnt help herself as I wasnt there and the guy was so nice to her etc etc.. I decided to forgive her. It obviously only got worse after this. I was so far gone that I could not go without her. She cheated again & again then cried for forgiveness, even left me for someone else after which I 'won' her back until finally, after the 11th time, I caught her kissing some boy in a park close to where she lived. I walked up to them, asked her why she was doing this, and she brutally made clear that we were done & over with forever. I walked away, realizing how stupid I had been all this time. It literally started to rain as I broke out crying in the middle of the street. After everything that happened, I still felt like I really loved her, being such a big part of my childhood and all. We were together almost every day for years and she felt like family to me. The realization of having lost her was just too much. I walked to the apartment building of the first guy she cheated me with, took the elevator to the 25th floor and climbed up the roof. Standing there in the rain I didn't really feel anything. No fear, nothing. Nothing holding me back and as i prepared myself to let go my phone rang and it was my best friend. I didn't tell him where I was or what happened, but I guess he felt I wasn't doing very well and he told me exactly what I needed to hear at that moment. I climbed back down but i've been depressed ever since.. Started to smoke wayy to much weed for the next 2 years in which I dated another girl for about a year. She was really nice, but all we did was smoke & have sex until she realized we weren't going anywhere and ended it. Fortunately by then I also started to see how I was destroying myself. I quit smoking and starting going to college half a year later. I was 22 years old standing on college grounds when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and to my big surprise, it was Her. She was super excited to see me after all this time, jumping around screaming, but all I could do was stand there shocked. I just couldn't believe it, this was a university in another city and she just happened to go there too. We talked a little, and at some point she told me she had underwent therapy for sex addiction and some other problems she had overcome. We hung out from time to time but I felt that I was still suffering from heartbreak. I did not want her to know about this and contacts got lessened through my awkwardness. My feelings for Her started to come back, and I became really angry with this, because it made no sense rationally. Also by this time I started to see how being a nice guy didn't get me any girls anymore. Through some experiences I started to turn into the one thing I hated most. I became the biggest ******* I could ever be and started to get more ONS than anyone I've ever met. Girls would follow me around and guys would come up to me and ask me about things they heard and give me props. This experience made me lose about all my faith in the female race and just made me angrier by the day. Just the fact that by not being myself and not treating women the way my mother taught me, they would want me more. I cant start to explain how disappointed I was, in everything. But the ONS's did not make me forget about Her. They almost seemed to make it worse at times, as they would all have something about them that reminded me of Her. As much I try forget about her, I would suddenly meet her or her sister in the metro, or on the beach or a club.. I started to get really worried with myself. Why was this so important to me, we were basically just kids back then, why am I still taking it so seriously..? Today I am 26, almost turning 27, and I just woke up drenched in sweat after seeing her in my dreams again, dreaming about her almost daily for the last couple of months. I wasnt thinking about her at all prior to this but the dreams just came out of nowhere. I deleted her and everyone that reminds me of her from my facebook about year ago. It is starting to scare me now. Will I ever get past this? Wow. I do feel relieved after typing all of this out. Sorry for this being so long though. 1
yessy21 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 you feel like if there was unfinished business. I have gone through this and i was some what going through it until about a year ago. it took me years to finally realize that the reason i never let it go was because it was the rejection that i was holding on too. i had never been rejected and when someone did.... i couldnt deal. well... i had to learn to deal. there are times when i still think about it but its something i have learned not to overpower me. No matter what ..... its always going to be in the back of your mind.... until YOU want it to go away.
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