Are you glad you discovered A instead of being told?

[leonine]

Spark

 

It seems the vast majority of WS's don't confess, even if they do want to confess, it's such a huge risk, and many can't take the risk, because that would be giving up the control as to the outcome of that confession.

 

I've noticed that most of those that do confess, is because there's eminent exposure, either by the OW/OM's spouse, or even from the affair partner.

 

I'd say that most affairs are discovered by pure accident or a spouse has become suspicious because of red flags and trusted their gut to seek the truth.

 

Strange how so many WS's are nearly relieved when their caught.

 

In my case, I obviously can't say for sure, but if I hadn't told him, my BH probably never would have found out.

 

I told my xMM that I told BH the truth the day after d-day. I'm guessing I might take some flack for that, but I did it for a couple reasons. First off, we had a few false breakups before the last one. MM was starting to sniff around again, and I used telling my BH as a sign to him that I really was done with him and was focusing on my marriage. Secondly, I wanted to give his BW the chance to hear about the affair from him. I didn't know at that point what my BH was going to do regarding disclosure, and I knew that if I were her, I'd much rather hear about it first from my husband than some angry stranger.

 

To his credit I guess, xMM didn't give me a hard time for telling, but he did say something that kind of shocked me. He said that he just didn't have the courage to tell his wife, no matter what. Even though he acknowledged that it would be better for her to hear it from him, he was willing to take the risk that my BH might not say anything. I knew he was selfish (we both were during the affair obviously) and extremely conflict avoidant, so I guess I shouldn't have been that surprised, but I was.

[Furious]

In my case, I obviously can't say for sure, but if I hadn't told him, my BH probably never would have found out.

 

I told my xMM that I told BH the truth the day after d-day. I'm guessing I might take some flack for that, but I did it for a couple reasons. First off, we had a few false breakups before the last one. MM was starting to sniff around again, and I used telling my BH as a sign to him that I really was done with him and was focusing on my marriage. Secondly, I wanted to give his BW the chance to hear about the affair from him. I didn't know at that point what my BH was going to do regarding disclosure, and I knew that if I were her, I'd much rather hear about it first from my husband than some angry stranger.

 

To his credit I guess, xMM didn't give me a hard time for telling, but he did say something that kind of shocked me. He said that he just didn't have the courage to tell his wife, no matter what. Even though he acknowledged that it

would be better for her to hear it from him, he was willing to take the risk that my BH might not say anything. I knew he was selfish (we both were during the affair obviously) and extremely conflict avoidant, so I guess I shouldn't have been that surprised, but I was.

 

 

You are a rare bird indeed, and the courage it took to give your husband the truth is indeed rare. I truly admire you for that.

 

I assume the ex-MM knew you would not expose him, and that he was confident enough that your husband wouldn't expose him, but I would bet the barn that if you contacted him and said you were going to speak to his wife he would confess before you had the chance.

[leonine]

I assume the ex-MM knew you would not expose him, and that he was confident enough that your husband wouldn't expose him, but I would bet the barn that if you contacted him and said you were going to speak to his wife he would confess before you had the chance.

 

That's certainly possible, but that's not what it sounded like to me at the time. I think he'd just let us tell her. :-\

[Furious]

That's certainly possible, but that's not what it sounded like to me at the time. I think he'd just let us tell her. :-\

 

He knows you well enough that you would not want the the drama and repercussions from exposing him.

 

He is probably right, because so far his bet has paid off.

 

It's a huge decision to make, and I understand that it's not something you and your husband can do right now.

 

I just feel so bad for the MM's wife.

[MissBee]

I was thinking (dangerous thing to do)........

 

For those that discovered their WS's A, are you glad that it was discovered that way instead of the WS and the AP having time to plan out how it would go and telling you about it?

 

For me, I feel that my discovery and bursting their A bubble put me in a better position of dealing with the fallout. Since my W and her AP were caught with their pants down , they had no time to plan anything. All they could do was individually run for cover.

 

I think that the shock and surprise of being caught brought the A crashing down rather quickly.....at least in my situation.

 

Also, if the A had run it's course and ended, the WS may never have confessed. Would you rather live with never knowing that it happened?

 

 

Not a BS...but I have pondered these questions.

 

No I would not rather it go undiscovered. Just because it wasn't discovered doesn't mean it didn't happen and in the case of an A, it's one thing I'd prefer to know about and then handle it come what may.

 

I would rather discover it myself than have someone tell me. This has always been my answer in the threads about should the OW/OM tell the BS. Frankly, it would be adding insult to injury for me to have the woman screwing my husband call me up or email me to let me know. I think I would fly off the handle at this. Perhaps if she called crying or something I'd feel less angry but thinking about it, I would be more humiliated and angry at her "revealing" this to me and yes it would make me feel like she had more "power" and is granting me this info. I'd rather be in the seat of power and be the one to find receipts, emails, texts, etc and as you said, catch them with their pants down, so to speak, versus the OW especially telling me. If my spouse admitted it to me, I would be furious too of course, but my preferences of ddays in this order are:

 

1. Find out myself

2. Spouse Admit Its

3.Best friends or super close family member witnessed something and tells me

4.OW informing me.

[Decorative]

Spark

 

It seems the vast majority of WS's don't confess, even if they do want to confess, it's such a huge risk, and many can't take the risk, because that would be giving up the control as to the outcome of that confession.

 

I've noticed that most of those that do confess, is because there's eminent exposure, either by the OW/OM's spouse, or even from the affair partner.

 

I'd say that most affairs are discovered by pure accident or a spouse has become suspicious because of red flags and trusted their gut to seek the truth.

 

Strange how so many WS's are nearly relieved when their caught.

 

So true.

 

My spouse had been setting up a way that would force an end to the affair. When I busted it- it was about six weeks away from a scenario that would have forced a public confrontation and the end. I am grateful that I found out before that, because I am not sure what the heck would have happened had his plan come to fruition. It would have been more volatile.

 

They had been breaking up repeatedly. There was much chaos in their relationship at the point. The list is ridiculous of what was going on at that point between them. But he was acting like an addict in need of a fix at some points, and then he would have moments of clarity.

[waterwoman]

If I hadn't found out H would never have told me. I have a horrible feeling that their EA would have gone on and on, leeching emotional energy from our marriage, might have become fully physical even, and left us with a dead husk of a marriage, with me wondering wtf had happened! She had 'ended' it a week before Dday because 'she couldn't have all of him' but they were still texting all the time. It would have escalated I suspect because they were both to weak to make a decision.

 

H would never had told me because he thought that while I didn't know it didn't matter, because they weren't having intercourse it didn't count, and because I was depressed and distant that I wouldn't care. Idiot!

 

Discover was the only option in our case.

[NotCamelot]

You caught them in the act? Why are you still with her? And PLEASE don't say it's because you Love her, she obviously didn't Love you to have done that to you!

 

No, I did not catch then in the act....that was figurative. I asked - she told me yes.

[NotCamelot]

I have been on both sides of this.

 

3 1/2 years ago my W caught me as I was in the middle of a long-distance EA. At that point I was hugely relieved. I wanted something to stop and at that point I was not really sure what that was. Either way I had to have some relief.

 

I told her on that day that I was glad she found out. And, her reaction to it all showed me where I should be.....if that makes any sense. Had she not cared nor become greatly angered, I don't know what I would have done....that was a reaction I was not prepared for.

 

Fast forward to last year........I found out about what she was doing as she forgot to log out of her fake facebook account. I did some quick follow-up investigating and busted them that morning. After all this time, I know that it would not have continued much longer. But, I know for a fact that it probably could have led to a complete end to the M.

 

Finding out the way I did put me in the driver's seat. I had the info and the power to expose and confront. Had I not known and it was presented to me, I would have been totally caught off-guard and had no time to prepare my side of the fiasco.

 

In my case, discovery by me probably worked for the best.

[Darth Vader]

I knew something was wrong, and no offense to DarthVader but my Obi-Wan_Kenobi sense just kicked in and I drug it out of her. After she told me I found trace evidence in the joint account......she didn't even think enough of me as a person to hide it from me. Good riddance I found out on my own, God knows how long that lying POS would have kept it going.

 

 

None taken!BTW, what'd you find? Did you get rid of her?

[Darth Vader]

I have been on both sides of this.

 

3 1/2 years ago my W caught me as I was in the middle of a long-distance EA. At that point I was hugely relieved. I wanted something to stop and at that point I was not really sure what that was. Either way I had to have some relief.

 

I told her on that day that I was glad she found out. And, her reaction to it all showed me where I should be.....if that makes any sense. Had she not cared nor become greatly angered, I don't know what I would have done....that was a reaction I was not prepared for.

 

Fast forward to last year........I found out about what she was doing as she forgot to log out of her fake facebook account. I did some quick follow-up investigating and busted them that morning. After all this time, I know that it would not have continued much longer. But, I know for a fact that it probably could have led to a complete end to the M.

 

Finding out the way I did put me in the driver's seat. I had the info and the power to expose and confront. Had I not known and it was presented to me, I would have been totally caught off-guard and had no time to prepare my side of the fiasco.

 

In my case, discovery by me probably worked for the best.

 

 

But in your case, you didn't even get to sleep with her, I know it's different between men and women, YES! But, HELL! She didn't get mind movies from what you did, However, she gave you mind movies over her screwing her OM! Still, that's very unequal! At least to me! Not to mention the STD risks! Hell! She still did way worse! I wouldn't have stayed with someone like that, it seems too hypocritical to me. You can't be emotional with anyone else, but, she gets to go all the way (sex) with another man! Tell me, how's that fair to you?! Where's your fun? IT SUCKS if you ask me!

 

BTW, I don't advocate cheating, this is mainly matter of fact info, perhaps this posting is something to share with your wife! Perhaps just to see her reaction! Hell, I still say Drop her ass! You deserve better than that whatever of a wife!

Edited March 12, 2013 by Darth Vader

[2sure]

As a BS, I would have much preferred my WS tell me than stumble upon his affair by surprise or Learn of it gradually by a series of deceptions.

 

But that isn't what was asked.

 

The original post asked about how a BS might feel if WS and AP together worked on a plan to tell BS. I haven't ever seen that happen in real life...and here on LS the person I'm thinking of that describes this scenerio...describes many scenarios under different names.

 

It has to happen though. Affairs sometimes lead to divorce and remarriage, so this type of reveal would come with that.

 

I think everyone's experience is Unique and valid...but for personally, this would be very painful.

[Spark1111]

As a BS, I would have much preferred my WS tell me than stumble upon his affair by surprise or Learn of it gradually by a series of deceptions.

 

But that isn't what was asked.

 

The original post asked about how a BS might feel if WS and AP together worked on a plan to tell BS. I haven't ever seen that happen in real life...and here on LS the person I'm thinking of that describes this scenerio...describes many scenarios under different names.

 

It has to happen though. Affairs sometimes lead to divorce and remarriage, so this type of reveal would come with that.

 

I think everyone's experience is Unique and valid...but for personally, this would be very painful.

 

I have seen it happen 3, yep, 3 times in real life... A true exit affair, which I categorize by the following:

 

Disclosure to family, friends and stbx within 6 months to 1 year...maybe a little longer, but your closest confidantes are informed pretty quickly and are supportive.

 

The joyous support of family and the open hearted welcome of your AP because EVERYONE realized YOUR marriage was dead on its feet MONTHS and YEARS before the WS. ( NO residual sadness, except maybe the fBS who is holding on to the carcass of the former relationship.)

 

ACTION to end the former relationship and plans to proceed with the new one.

 

NO secrets. Everyone knows all. It's honest and out in the open.

[2sure]

Yes you're right. An exit affair is like this . Of course I do know people who must have moved forward this way.

[TheBladeRunner]

None taken!BTW, what'd you find? Did you get rid of her?

 

When I felt the disturbance in the force I decided to check the bank records and there it was....like a turd in a punch bowl! She used our joint account to make a purchase in another part of the state. The lie she told for being gone that night was that "I need to stay with XXX female friend from work, her daughter is in the hospital, she tried to commit suicide"; this was a total lie and the bank card purchase proved it. I moved out after I got a lawyer and obtained a SIGNED custody agreement for my daughter. All in all, I was out 11 days after I found out, the divorce should be final by the last week of May, 2013.

 

Any pointers on how "I" can switch to the "dark side" Darth?

[Darth Vader]

When I felt the disturbance in the force I decided to check the bank records and there it was....like a turd in a punch bowl! She used our joint account to make a purchase in another part of the state. The lie she told for being gone that night was that "I need to stay with XXX female friend from work, her daughter is in the hospital, she tried to commit suicide"; this was a total lie and the bank card purchase proved it. I moved out after I got a lawyer and obtained a SIGNED custody agreement for my daughter. All in all, I was out 11 days after I found out, the divorce should be final by the last week of May, 2013.

 

Any pointers on how "I" can switch to the "dark side" Darth?

 

 

Um..... Why did you leave, she cheated, SHE LEAVES!

[underwater2010]

Your question is quite a catch 22 for me. Just for background I discovered the affair about a year after it was over. Due to my FWH's lack of deletion on facebook messages.

 

1. If I had known about the affair while it was going on I would not have my beautiful 3rd child. There is no way in hell I would have brought another life into the marriage knowing that my husband was so close to screwing another woman.

 

2. I would have gone and spent time with my father while he was suffering from cancer instead of simply being there on the day he passed.

 

But sadly I was unable to make informed decisions. That all being said, I love and adore my precious little princess and he is a great father to all three kids. I do not regret not being with my dad as I spoke with him everyday. Also...it opened my eyes to how much I truly love my husband. I think we often hide it from ourselves in order to feel so much. Yes our relationship is better now. I know what to look for and we both try hard to make sure the other person knows how much we love each other.

 

In the end....I would have like to have known and would to know right away in the future. Not just to stumble upon it.

[NotCamelot]

But in your case, you didn't even get to sleep with her, I know it's different between men and women, YES! But, HELL! She didn't get mind movies from what you did, However, she gave you mind movies over her screwing her OM! Still, that's very unequal! At least to me! Not to mention the STD risks! Hell! She still did way worse! I wouldn't have stayed with someone like that, it seems too hypocritical to me. You can't be emotional with anyone else, but, she gets to go all the way (sex) with another man! Tell me, how's that fair to you?! Where's your fun? IT SUCKS if you ask me!

 

BTW, I don't advocate cheating, this is mainly matter of fact info, perhaps this posting is something to share with your wife! Perhaps just to see her reaction! Hell, I still say Drop her ass! You deserve better than that whatever of a wife!

 

 

I thought that as well - at first. But I came to realize how much I had hurt her. And it would not have mattered more to her if my A had become physical.

 

A few months ago we were talking and she said, "It wouldn't mattered any more if you had f****d her." What she felt was just as hurtful as what I felt. I know that.

 

That is why I can't make a difference between the two. And I've come to understand that, for women, the emotional connection is much more powerful than the physical.

 

I understand it this way: Men give love to get sex. Women give sex to get love. That may be a generalization, but at it's most basic, I think it starts that way.

 

So, Darth Vader, while our two A may have played out differently, each was equal and wrong.

[dichotomy]

Yes I am glad I found out it allowed me to respond and be in control from then on.

[Darth Vader]

I thought that as well - at first. But I came to realize how much I had hurt her. And it would not have mattered more to her if my A had become physical.

 

A few months ago we were talking and she said, "It wouldn't mattered any more if you had f****d her." What she felt was just as hurtful as what I felt. I know that.

 

That is why I can't make a difference between the two. And I've come to understand that, for women, the emotional connection is much more powerful than the physical.

 

I understand it this way: Men give love to get sex. Women give sex to get love. That may be a generalization, but at it's most basic, I think it starts that way.

 

So, Darth Vader, while our two A may have played out differently, each was equal and wrong.

 

 

True, however, her life wasn't put in danger like yours was! Plus, she didn't suffer from the mind movies like you have, like I said before. I know what you're saying though.

[katielee]

I wish he had thought of me as worthy enough of the truth.

I wish he hadn't burdened me with feeling like I was going crazy,knowing something was going on, and making me find out for myself.

I had to hire a PI, he made sure I didn't have a car the day he was with her.

[Darth Vader]

You know, I was wondering, NotCamelot, did your wife use your EA to justify her having her EA/PA? In that case I have to wonder if she did it out of spite and/or revenge, it got me to thinking. Now that would tell you right there it was very intensionl!

[NotCamelot]

You know, I was wondering, NotCamelot, did your wife use your EA to justify her having her EA/PA? In that case I have to wonder if she did it out of spite and/or revenge, it got me to thinking. Now that would tell you right there it was very intensionl!

 

She says it was not intentional nor planned....or revenge at all. But I do know positively that if I had never crossed that line it would not have happened. She had spent those days since the Fall of 2009 thinking about what I had done and said to OW. She had many sad days and I know for a fact that is why. So, when the opportunity presented itself, I think she saw it as a way out to a new life AND also a "show him how it feels" thing as well. So, it was not done with premeditated revenge in mind, but with revenge as part of the fallout from the mess. Now that it is all over, I can easily and clearly see that she is "over" what I did. To HER, the playing field is even again.

[melenkurion]

The original post is an excellent question that's got me thinking. At the time, I was pretty hurt with all the lies, badly hurt that I wasn't told, I thought I deserved honesty. My ex did leave, the moment I discovered things. I told him to get out, and he did. I instantly regretted telling him to get out at the time!

 

However, this has got me thinking. With the wisdom of hindsight, I like that I wasn't subject to a "managed exit" where huge decisions that effect my life were agonised over and taken, but not by me. I ended up having far more control than I would have otherwise done so, had it been orderly. In that case I would have had no control, I'd have been presented with fait accompli.

 

Look, I have to own up: a part of this is probably schadenfreude from me. Things ended up far less pleasantly for him than he'd have liked from any "managed exit". There were a few months of less than ideal living arrangements for him, and he left when he was in a very precarious financial state, which wouldn't have been his choice. He also had little choice but to tell everyone the entire truth, rather than manage the narrative, which he'd certainly have preferred.

[Darth Vader]

She says it was not intentional nor planned....or revenge at all. But I do know positively that if I had never crossed that line it would not have happened. She had spent those days since the Fall of 2009 thinking about what I had done and said to OW. She had many sad days and I know for a fact that is why. So, when the opportunity presented itself, I think she saw it as a way out to a new life AND also a "show him how it feels" thing as well. So, it was not done with premeditated revenge in mind, but with revenge as part of the fallout from the mess. Now that it is all over, I can easily and clearly see that she is "over" what I did. To HER, the playing field is even again.

 

 

FRIEND! That first statement BOLDED right there says IT WAS FOR REVENGE, perhaps also out of spite! It's clearly right under your nose! That should tell you it was intentional! Then the bolded underlined part says to me, she's happy she got her revenge!

 

Are you understanding the way I'm seeing this? I'm seeing BS!

 

Sometimes someone needs a fresh set of eyes on the outside looking in, it's hard to see it on the inside looking out!

 

Way out to a NEW life? So, she was looking for a way out? Exit affair?