Are you glad you discovered A instead of being told?

[NotCamelot]

I was thinking (dangerous thing to do)........

 

For those that discovered their WS's A, are you glad that it was discovered that way instead of the WS and the AP having time to plan out how it would go and telling you about it?

 

For me, I feel that my discovery and bursting their A bubble put me in a better position of dealing with the fallout. Since my W and her AP were caught with their pants down , they had no time to plan anything. All they could do was individually run for cover.

 

I think that the shock and surprise of being caught brought the A crashing down rather quickly.....at least in my situation.

 

Also, if the A had run it's course and ended, the WS may never have confessed. Would you rather live with never knowing that it happened?

[Spotme]

I was just thinking about this because of one of the other threads. I am glad I found out rather than being told, because while shocked doesn't even begin to cover my reaction, it gave me time to look in my heart to see what I would or would not tolerate/do/expect moving forward before I ever spoke to him and also time to quickly rediscover my self-esteem and self-respect, which he had been trampling into the dust for months, so that I would have the courage to tell him what I had decided and to let it play out however it would from that point out. If I had been blind-sided by either one of them (I know the fOW), I might simply have been too crushed to cope.

 

Also, my fWH has said he was completely convinced that I would throw him out and never give him a second chance if I found out. The fOW was pushing him to leave me. He says he just felt stuck - he had no intention of leaving me or giving up his cake eating, so he was just spiraling downward, waiting for it to all somehow blow up. But perhaps with more time, given his sense of futility regarding our future, she would have convinced him to leave, which also would have crushed me (or possibly made me so angry and bitter that I'd have too much baggage to ever move on for myself).

 

His behavior during the affair had become truly awful and I was slowly moving toward accepting that he had changed too much for our marriage to survive. I thought the changes were the product of the terrible place where he works though, so if he had ended the affair, quit that job, and changed his behavior, we might have survived, but our relationship had been fundamentally damaged by the affair, so I don't know that we could have fully healed it without truth. I certainly wish I didn't have the cynical view that no relationship is truly special that I now have though.

Edited March 11, 2013 by Spotme
Edited to answer last question

[NotCamelot]

I But perhaps with more time, given his sense of futility regarding our future, she would have convinced him to leave, which also would have crushed me (or possibly made me so angry and bitter that I'd have too much baggage to ever move on for myself).

 

 

This is the thing that makes me glad I discovered the way I did.

[Furious]

Definitely glad I discovered the affair. Discovering it was like a sucker punch to my gut but strangely also a sense of relief because everything clicked into place as to why things didn't feel right between us.

 

He had become an edgy person, moody, picking arguments about things that just seemed so petty, but then he'd be great for awhile and back to his old self. When I tried to talk to him about how he was acting he'd say he was stressed at work, that he was tired and he was sorry for being a prick.

 

The day I found something, that in itself was not proof, and could easily be explained away if I asked him about it, was something that got a hold of my gut, I just knew, but I also knew I needed to keep quiet and investigate further. Not longer after I had solid proof. I was able to handle D-day on my own terms and I took back my life when I handed him his suitcase and wished him well.

 

I wished this never happened, but I'm glad I found out instead of being told by someone who probably didn't have my best interest in mind.

[SmokeRat]

As much as me discovering the affair by walking in on my wife and the OM was incredibly painful, at least I knew.

 

Had I not found out, I would never have known and maybe today I wouldn't be getting divorced, but my marriage would be a lie.

 

I'm starting to bury the images of her affair behind images of what I see on a daily basis in fire scenes. Eventually, I think my mind will just forget what was seen and replace it with something else.

[NotCamelot]

Most people who are bSs say it is the gaslighting and continued betrayal that is the worst thing, so you escaped that at least although you have that awful memory in your head of seeing that, that you have to get over. Is that better than your imagination once you are told of an the affair though? I dunno.

 

Actually, the getting caught was figurative.....not literal.......the memory of that is my imagination. Maybe worse, I don't know.

[BetrayedH]

If I hadn't caught my wife, she never would have told me. I may very well have ended up divorced with no real clue about why and would've just blamed myself for so disappointing my wife that she saw us as hopeless. Finding out that she had another man was actually a bit of a relief as I knew the break-up wasn't just about me. As horrendous as my situation was, I was fortunate to have discovered her affair or I may not have survived the blow to my self-esteem.

[Owl]

Had the affair gone on until it got to a point where my wife would have 'told' me...it would have progressed to the point where my marriage would have been unrecoverable.

 

Finding out on my own, when I did, effectively ended it before it could progress to that point.

 

And it stopped the affair before the erosion of our marriage had reached a critical point preventing us from reconciling.

 

So yes, I'm glad I found it when I did, rather that being forced to wait until other plans and decisions had been made for me without my knowledge or consent.

 

Additionally...my wife feels the same way. She's glad it got busted when it did, and very happy with the outcome of things now, rather than where they might have gone otherwise. Equally important, in my book.

[leonine]

My BH has told me that he was glad that I told him vs. him discovering it on his own. I think the fact that I came clean has helped in rebuilding the trust that he lost in me.

[BetrayedH]

My BH has told me that he was glad that I told him vs. him discovering it on his own. I think the fact that I came clean has helped in rebuilding the trust that he lost in me.

 

There's no doubt that it matters big-time to most BSs. Statistics show that (at two years) 70% of couples are still together when the affair was voluntarily disclosed; the number drops to 35% when it was discovered instead (and only half of those reported being happy). It was discouraging to read that stat when I was reconciling; I had a 17.5% chance of reconciling when I most certainly had hoped for 70%.

 

Good for you for confessing. And it appears it has paid off.

[AnotherRound]

Hmmm... I would have rather been told by my exH that he was having an affair. It was fairly humiliating to learn of it through family and friends - and have him deny it to my face when I KNEW he was lying. That, for me, was the FINAL nail in the coffin of our divorce. I could never get past that - that he swore he was telling the truth (on his father's life, no less!) and I KNEW he was lying.

 

Had he told me - I MIGHT have been able to really consider reconciling. As it happened, I only went through the motions for my own reasons (not wanting a failed marriage at such a young age) and my heart was never really in it. He never came clean, fyi - he admitted it once and then never again would acknowledge it or admit it again, instead accused me of having affairs (yeah, plural!) when of course, I never did. He has some emotional and mental issues I'm afraid.

 

So for me, I would have rather he told me. It ,would have hurt - sure. It would have sucked, but I would have had some firm ground to stand on at least. I can handle the truth - I prefer it to illusions. And after that whole scene, there was NO way I was every going to believe anything he said again. Done deal.

[HopingAgain]

Had the affair gone on until it got to a point where my wife would have 'told' me...it would have progressed to the point where my marriage would have been unrecoverable.

 

Finding out on my own, when I did, effectively ended it before it could progress to that point.

 

And it stopped the affair before the erosion of our marriage had reached a critical point preventing us from reconciling.

 

So yes, I'm glad I found it when I did, rather that being forced to wait until other plans and decisions had been made for me without my knowledge or consent.

 

Additionally...my wife feels the same way. She's glad it got busted when it did, and very happy with the outcome of things now, rather than where they might have gone otherwise. Equally important, in my book.

 

I feel the exact same way. My discovery was purely accidental.If I had not found out when the affair was just getting off the ground, he would have slept with her, started developing more feelings, and we would likely be over as I can't imagine rebuilding with a man who had already falleb in love with another woman and continued to deceive me about it. The way the events played out, timing wise, make me think the Universe intervened on our behalf a little bit so we could have a chance to reconcile before it was too late!

[stevie_23]

Ideally, I’d prefer to be told IF the reasons for doing so were because my partner realised they’d made a horrible mistake and wanted to re-commit fully to me and move forward and felt they had to be 100% honest from now on in order to really do that.

 

But then, how would I know that what they were saying was true?

 

If I found out about the A, I don’t know if I could stay in the relationship because (a) I’d always wonder if they were still cheating on me without me knowing, (b) I’d never know if they would have ended it of their own accord, and © I’d always worry that if we did stay together, that they’d feel like they were in jail if I kept tabs on their activities to avoid a relapse into the cheating.

 

But then, I’ve never been a BS so I honestly don’t know how I’d really feel.

[ecdubfan]

I don't think she would have ever told me. Defintely glad I discovered it.

[BetrayedH]

Ideally, I’d prefer to be told IF the reasons for doing so were because my partner realised they’d made a horrible mistake and wanted to re-commit fully to me and move forward and felt they had to be 100% honest from now on in order to really do that.

 

But then, how would I know that what they were saying was true?

 

If I found out about the A, I don’t know if I could stay in the relationship because (a) I’d always wonder if they were still cheating on me without me knowing, (b) I’d never know if they would have ended it of their own accord, and © I’d always worry that if we did stay together, that they’d feel like they were in jail if I kept tabs on their activities to avoid a relapse into the cheating.

 

But then, I’ve never been a BS so I honestly don’t know how I’d really feel.

 

I think you summed up the conundrum (boy am I guessing as spelling on that one) fairly well. Adding children into the mix plays a big factor. You also don't immediately fall out of love with your spouse. Add in a bunch of lies (which deny and minimize the affair) and we seriously don't know what to do. I think it's common to default to "try" to save the marriage and see what happens. Ironically, those that ultimately do save their marriages are the ones that took a much harsher approach about what they would accept after Dday. Look at almost any of the successfully reconciled couples here and the wayward was sent packing after Dday and had to work very hard to reestablish trust. Almost any other approach fails pretty consistently.

[Darth Vader]

I was thinking (dangerous thing to do)........

 

For those that discovered their WS's A, are you glad that it was discovered that way instead of the WS and the AP having time to plan out how it would go and telling you about it?

 

For me, I feel that my discovery and bursting their A bubble put me in a better position of dealing with the fallout. Since my W and her AP were caught with their pants down , they had no time to plan anything. All they could do was individually run for cover.

 

I think that the shock and surprise of being caught brought the A crashing down rather quickly.....at least in my situation.

 

Also, if the A had run it's course and ended, the WS may never have confessed. Would you rather live with never knowing that it happened?

 

You caught them in the act? Why are you still with her? And PLEASE don't say it's because you Love her, she obviously didn't Love you to have done that to you!

 

Well, here's another take on that as well, just think, if you didn't "catch" them, they'd still be screwing each other! So, why are you settling for second place, or second prize?

[Darth Vader]

As much as me discovering the affair by walking in on my wife and the OM was incredibly painful, at least I knew.

 

Had I not found out, I would never have known and maybe today I wouldn't be getting divorced, but my marriage would be a lie.

 

I'm starting to bury the images of her affair behind images of what I see on a daily basis in fire scenes. Eventually, I think my mind will just forget what was seen and replace it with something else.

 

 

Get some counseling, you don't want to rugsweep that as it could come back to bite you later in life!

[stevie_23]

I think you summed up the conundrum (boy am I guessing as spelling on that one) fairly well. Adding children into the mix plays a big factor. You also don't immediately fall out of love with your spouse. Add in a bunch of lies (which deny and minimize the affair) and we seriously don't know what to do. I think it's common to default to "try" to save the marriage and see what happens. Ironically, those that ultimately do save their marriages are the ones that took a much harsher approach about what they would accept after Dday. Look at almost any of the successfully reconciled couples here and the wayward was sent packing after Dday and had to work very hard to reestablish trust. Almost any other approach fails pretty consistently.

 

Yes. This is true of my ex-MM as far as I know. 4 D-days before he ended it with me after almost 2 years. After the first one, hardly any reaction by his partner (not his wife yet). After the second one, a reaction but nothing was discussed. She removed his laptop and phone, but then gave them back days later when he said he needed them for work (which he did). We didn't even skip a beat after each of those D-days.

 

The third D-day was more intense. It came 3 weeks after they got married. He says they again didn't discuss anything in any detail and nothing was said, but she threw away his phone and he laid low for 2 weeks before coming back to me and making up a bunch of "rules" for us to follow (we both came up with the rules).

 

The fourth D-day, I don't know...but he left. Couldn't do it anymore.

 

BUT I don't think much has changed for them somehow. I think he's never going to be happy there, and he can never be fully honest about his feelings, and so he will always be vulnerable to future cheating (as he has been vulnerable to cheating in the past.)

[TheBladeRunner]

I knew something was wrong, and no offense to DarthVader but my Obi-Wan_Kenobi sense just kicked in and I drug it out of her. After she told me I found trace evidence in the joint account......she didn't even think enough of me as a person to hide it from me. Good riddance I found out on my own, God knows how long that lying POS would have kept it going.

[Spark1111]

Honest confession is the very best scenario because it shows RESPECT. however it is dismally rare.

 

Most affairs are accidentally discovered and are horrific for the BS because it shows the WS was not ready to let it go, confess and re-commit to the marriage. Affair interruptus, or extreme cognitive dissonance, or fog, results in some really bizarre and destructive behaviors by the WS.

 

Many experts believe if the WS in too deep or the rules have changed and the affair, which started as a pure, escapist fantasy, has become an additional source of pressure, they will subconsciously try to get caught, and ever conflict-avoidant, let mommy or daddy (BS) end it for them.

 

But I have to believe that the very worst scenario is never getting caught. First, the guilt may eat them alive and keeping a lifelong secret has to be self and relationship destructing.

 

but with enough time, with nothing aired or fixed, these WSs can go on to have a lifelong hobby of seeking solace from a string of strangers.

 

They have learned NOTHING but to seek external validation from strangers.

 

What poor, poor partners they must be to fear intimacy with their spouse. And that poor spouse, always sad and scratching their heads trying to figure out WHY their spouse is so emotionally distant.

[The_Face]

Really, it would make no difference to me if my ex told me about her affair. It might give me the temporary hope that I could still trust her, because she's openly admitting to something she's done wrong, without being asked.

 

But when I think about a little more, I realize I'd still have a hard time trusting her again. It's ****ed, when people do that in a relationship. So I don't know...

 

Damn, this is a tough one to answer. Finding out sucks either way. I guess the only reason it makes a difference is if you hope to salvage something from the relationship. If that's the case, it's probably better to find out straight from the horse's mouth. Again, for the sake of keeping what trust you can.

 

I sure wouldn't like to find out from the guy she was having the affair with, or anybody else, for that matter!

[The_Face]

What poor, poor partners they must be to fear intimacy with their spouse. And that poor spouse, always sad and scratching their heads trying to figure out WHY their spouse is so emotionally distant.

 

Nice. I like this.

[BetrayedH]

Honest confession is the very best scenario because it shows RESPECT. however it is dismally rare.

 

Most affairs are accidentally discovered and are horrific for the BS because it shows the WS was not ready to let it go, confess and re-commit to the marriage. Affair interruptus, or extreme cognitive dissonance, or fog, results in some really bizarre and destructive behaviors by the WS.

 

Many experts believe if the WS in too deep or the rules have changed and the affair, which started as a pure, escapist fantasy, has become an additional source of pressure, they will subconsciously try to get caught, and ever conflict-avoidant, let mommy or daddy (BS) end it for them.

 

But I have to believe that the very worst scenario is never getting caught. First, the guilt may eat them alive and keeping a lifelong secret has to be self and relationship destructing.

 

but with enough time, with nothing aired or fixed, these WSs can go on to have a lifelong hobby of seeking solace from a string of strangers.

 

They have learned NOTHING but to seek external validation from strangers.

 

What poor, poor partners they must be to fear intimacy with their spouse. And that poor spouse, always sad and scratching their heads trying to figure out WHY their spouse is so emotionally distant.

 

Great post, Spark.

[Furious]

Honest confession is the very best scenario because it shows RESPECT. however it is dismally rare.

 

Spark

 

It seems the vast majority of WS's don't confess, even if they do want to confess, it's such a huge risk, and many can't take the risk, because that would be giving up the control as to the outcome of that confession.

 

I've noticed that most of those that do confess, is because there's eminent exposure, either by the OW/OM's spouse, or even from the affair partner.

 

I'd say that most affairs are discovered by pure accident or a spouse has become suspicious because of red flags and trusted their gut to seek the truth.

 

Strange how so many WS's are nearly relieved when their caught.

[Spark1111]

Spark

 

It seems the vast majority of WS's don't confess, even if they do want to confess, it's such a huge risk, and many can't take the risk, because that would be giving up the control as to the outcome of that confession.

 

I've noticed that most of those that do confess, is because there's eminent exposure, either by the OW/OM's spouse, or even from the affair partner.

 

I'd say that most affairs are discovered by pure accident or a spouse has become suspicious because of red flags and trusted their gut to seek the truth.

 

Strange how so many WS's are nearly relieved when their caught.

 

Could not agree more Furious!

 

My H, who had been a master of deception for over 18 months....got sloppy. Why?

 

my oldest child said she believed he WANTED to get caught and have me, us, end it for him! I think she's brilliant.

 

I then read this is not so unusual. Conflict-avoidant, fearful people do not change in an affair! it grows out of control and then they are once again swamped by their own cowardice.

 

I would come to find that she wanted more at the same time he started to question who he was and what the H he was doing and the thrill, the rush of "new" was starting to fade..... She started to pressure him for commitment which was the LAST thing he wanted.

 

But he lacked the courage to end it after all the lies he told her to keep it a going. Shocker, I know!

 

How often have we read computer screen left on, cell phone swap, emails on the computer, failure to log off, cell phone bill not intercepted for the first time in months, brazenly out in public where someone sees them and alerts the spouse....

 

he was soooo relieved. yet, in his foggy state, he truly believed initially, that I too, would be so happy it was over and would welcome him back with open arms....and a little grief. He still thought he could control the outcome.

 

 

Ahahahahahaha! He had forgotten, quite conveniently, who was married to during the affair.

 

And reminding him was the proverbial frying pan over the head he needed to see me and respect me again.

 

It NEVER would have worked out any other way for me.