Shanaya Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I'm 20 and the guys that I've been going on dates with have been around 20-24 (go to the same uni as me). I have some things that could be issues in a relationship. It stops me from dating, because I don't like being rejected most of the time, I don't like wasting people's time and I don't like having to tell people. -I'm 100% infertile. I have no reproductive organs, so no babies ever. I know that kids are a deal breaker for a lot of people. Adoption isn't the same, I was adopted so I know. -I'm a virgin, and I'm waiting until marriage to have sex (including oral and touching). I'm not religious at all so people don't really expect it. It's just a personal choice based on my morals/values/beliefs. I know that would be a deal breaker for a lot of guys. Most people don't want to be in a relationship were they can only kiss the person they are with. -I was molested up until I was about 10 by my brothers friend, maybe more, I don't know. That's all I remember. It does cause a few issues. I take a bit longer to trust and feel comfortable. There would possibly be some issues with sexual touching and sex, I'm not sure. It's NOT why I'm waiting for sex, btw. I don't know when to tell a guy I'm dating about this. I've told guys right away, and it scares them away. I've told guys after knowing them a little while and they got mad that I didn't tell them earlier. I don't want to scare someone away. But I also don't want them to feel like I lied to them or they got themselves into more than they agreed to.
Lauriebell82 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I think you should be honest with them about it, but not drop all of it at the same time. I dont think you need to be upfront about or divulge that until you are very serious. are only 20 so I dont think you are in the market for husbsnd and kids. The problem I see with the no sex or oral thing is that guys your age probably arent looking to get married anytime soon. What is the problem with oral? Does it have anthing to do with abuse? I understand intercourse, but I think you have to give the guy something. Not many 20 something year olds are interested in no sexual activity whatsoever. Maybe that is something you could compromise. Have you tried counseling? All that being said, I think there is someone out there who would be right for you and would be fine and supportive with it all. Dont compromise your beliefs to find a boyfriend. You have plenty of time to find someone who is right for you.
TaraMaiden Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 With regard to your lack of reproductive organs, this needs to be mentioned quite early. But to be honest, this pales into insignificance when considering what you next state.... With regard to your molestation issues, I would sincerely, seriously and urgently recommend counselling. This is not something you or anyone would be expected to deal with, and get over, on their own, without some kind of professional assistance and support. The whole matter will absolutely certainly have an effect on your attitudes and views on sex, whether you realise it or not. our subconscious stores a massive amount of information and memory regarding experience. In order to not let this be 'baggage' you need someone to help you offload it. Seriously. Take care - seek help. 1
todreaminblue Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I'm 20 and the guys that I've been going on dates with have been around 20-24 (go to the same uni as me). I have some things that could be issues in a relationship. It stops me from dating, because I don't like being rejected most of the time, I don't like wasting people's time and I don't like having to tell people. -I'm 100% infertile. I have no reproductive organs, so no babies ever. I know that kids are a deal breaker for a lot of people. Adoption isn't the same, I was adopted so I know. -I'm a virgin, and I'm waiting until marriage to have sex (including oral and touching). I'm not religious at all so people don't really expect it. It's just a personal choice based on my morals/values/beliefs. I know that would be a deal breaker for a lot of guys. Most people don't want to be in a relationship were they can only kiss the person they are with. -I was molested up until I was about 10 by my brothers friend, maybe more, I don't know. That's all I remember. It does cause a few issues. I take a bit longer to trust and feel comfortable. There would possibly be some issues with sexual touching and sex, I'm not sure. It's NOT why I'm waiting for sex, btw. I don't know when to tell a guy I'm dating about this. I've told guys right away, and it scares them away. I've told guys after knowing them a little while and they got mad that I didn't tell them earlier. I don't want to scare someone away. But I also don't want them to feel like I lied to them or they got themselves into more than they agreed to. when i have gone out with guys i make the decision to tell them what they need to know....based on what they say...if they show displeasure at certain things that i know i have in my past i come straight out with it..if they ask specific question i answer honestly ther eis no use in being something i am not...wont make them happy by making me unhappy....waste of time and space...... and if they attempt to grope.......ill make it clear to what they can expect from me and what not to do...... .......if they get mad at you.....feel relieved....that you found out earlier how easily they can change........when they dont get what they want.... stand true to your beliefs i feel for you about the bubs....huge hugs from me to you.....you will find the guy who is right for you if you remain just who you are ....because that person is sweet ...guys that get mad....pfft worth nothing...deb
Author Shanaya Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 What is the problem with oral? Does it have anthing to do with abuse? I understand intercourse, but I think you have to give the guy something. Not many 20 something year olds are interested in no sexual activity whatsoever. Maybe that is something you could compromise. Have you tried counseling? Oral is still sex. No sex until marriage includes both kinds of sex... I don't see why people don't realize that oral sex is sex. I only want to experience that with one person, and be able to give that to one person. You either do it all the way or don't do it at all, IMO. To those who mentioned it, I have been in counselling for years. I do have a question though, for anyone who wants to help me out. I decided to try out OLD and met a guy yesterday that I really like. We've been texting non-stop for two days and have skyped. I can tell that he's going to ask me on a date, so I told him I was busy tonight and probably wouldn't be able to talk. I really like him, he's 24. I've told him I'm a virgin and wanted to wait to have sex until marriage and he didn't care. But he mentioned that he wants kids. Should I tell him now, before we go on a date so I don't waste his time?
TaraMaiden Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Yes, absolutely you should tell him. If the guy wants kids - and you cannot physically fulfil that for either him or yourself - of course he deserves to know. How is counselling working for you? Sincere question.... 1
Lani Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I think the no sex until marriage and no babies things need to brought up fairly quickly. In your OLD profile, can you state 'do not want kids' anywhere? I know you can on Australian sites, but I don't know where you are or what you're using. That should weed some of them out straight up. As for your being molested as a child, that is definitely something that should be shared when you feel it's right. As Deb said, anyone who will be upset/annoyed/angry about this does not deserve your love anyway. Perhaps you can elude to there having been some trauma in your past, but that you don't want to speak about it until you're comfortable to do so. No sex and no children are big things, that you need to be honest about early on. If a guy brings up wanting children, that's your time to say that you can't. I have risks of not being able to, and I've told guys this and they understand or they don't and subsequently don't hang around. There are people that will be fine with all of this, so don't be disheartened by those who have a problem. Best of luck!
TaraMaiden Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 a lot of people adopt babies. From the OP's first post: Adoption isn't the same, I was adopted so I know. 1
aussietigerwolf Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 How about a surrogate? Would that be a possible way for you to have kids if you want them?
TaraMaiden Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 It must be a difficult thing for a girl to open up about, to a guy she likes, when she's also had some trauma in the past. People handle things differently.... that's why she posted the question. In order to gain insight into how she should handle it.....
TaraMaiden Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Yeee--eees.... That's why she asked our opinion about when the best time to tell them, is.... Re-reading post #1 may help, to clarify her dilemma..... 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I wouldn't go as far as telling men that you do not have any reproductive organs, that's just going to freak most guys out around your age...people aren't generally ready for that "real life" stuff at that age and with someone they just met, most of life is just fun and a fantasy at that stage for those entitled enough for that kind of mindset or "reality". I'd just mention at some point if you feel things getting serious and escalating to a relationship level to reassert that you do not want kids and that you are firm about that decision, you can mention there is some medical related reason for that if you'd like to, and that you'd elaborate more on that at a later time. I definitely wouldn't be an open book and let that information get out with men who are likely....just trying to have a little fun with their dating lives and not be so serious..most guys around that age are nowhere near that, some just don't even realize that though. I think you should protect something that private for those who have earned your respect and trust. You should mention early on however that you are also celibate until marriage...and that you are not open to even oral sex or what not, that way you make it very clear. Some guys are going to naturally push for it anyway, and think they can possibly get you to break that code or vow. That's going to be a difficult thing for many young guys to process...I think that's the reality and pretty obvious if you look at the world today, people definitely don't even want to commit to have sex, much less get married...and honestly I personally think it's best that way, there is just too much to learn and develop to hold sex along at that level, but I am also not against it either, I think you should do what you feel is right and are comfortable with I understand the reasoning behind it, but many men are not going to invest seriously into someone who can't offer sex...so you may have to wait for the right guy to come along for that, and the bright side is you may make some friends as there are some that can respect that. The molestation thing is your biggest personal issue to overcome. You really need to make sure you dig through those past feelings, emotions and vulnerabilities and understand all the ways if affects your mind and emotions when it comes to intimacy. You were completely violated at that time, and your trust broken. You have to be able to mentally and emotionally separate those interactions, one is welcomed and you give permission...another was taken from you, entirely different forms of intimacy or sexual act. Most people try to run and keep those thoughts, emotions and experiences to themselves and bury them deep, but like seeds they manifest and become destructive habits and behaviors because you're still afraid and holding onto that, you've got to be able to attack the past and be vulnerable, so you can kind of come out on that other side and be able to live with it and understand what really happened and make peace with it. Once you face those emotions and feelings and get them out in the open, not to others but for yourself, you can live them with and take power of them instead of treating them like skeletons in your closet. If you do that, you'll just be living scared and fearful in your life and associate normal experiences in life to highly personalized and offensive behaviors based on your insecurities and issues, you kind of brainwash yourself into thinking a certain way even though that may not even be the truth or reality...you kind of create your own madness with insecurities and the world you live in. This will also give you a warped sense of trust and comfort with men, meaning you want them to earn your trust and faith, but you put too much emphasis on a man and give him too much of a task, that you can only work on because it is within yourself...however many people think "If I just find someone who listens and understands, loves me and earns my respect then everything will be ok"...it doesn't work that way always, or at all from my experience. It's up to you to open those doorways and push yourself to be comfortable in that space, once you have faced those past issues...you have to get rid of those emotions that may make you feel like a victim, or vulnerable, or out of control because those become triggers, and cause you to lapse into these anxious, vying for control and unpredictable emotional behavior and that can be very hard for someone on the outside to understand. If you cannot understand yourself, only others will be able to understand if they went through a similar experience in life...that's how most people connect to subject matter or life. So you're going to get that blank stare or helpless reaction out of men down the road....some will try to fix you, and others will take advantage/ignore it, perpetuating your insecurities. So you're only 20, you've got a lot to learn about yourself, I kind of gave you a load to think about. But you've got to gain more self-confidence and understand yourself emotionally and mentally, don't create these barriers within your own mind....be objective about it and try to see what is actually there, work on yourself, your issues and triggers and get the repair work that you need by searching within, or it'll only affect your relationships and become the burden of them if you simply expect someone to understand it and just make it work, like if that's just easy task. Otherwise, take dating very easy...don't go in with a lot of expectations and just try and have fun, learn about yourself, try to build different kinds of relationships with men and try to see how your issues affect you in your dating life and with men. Try different things out and most importantly try and communicate. Don't be so trusting, and don't put a lot of weight on someone else shoulders to "fix" you or give you what you cannot give yourself....you have to be the one that fixes that problem, nobody else can, you'll waste years and years trying to find somebody who can.
TaraMaiden Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 "Common Sense" is anything but common. If common sense were common, this forum would be a lot less active than it is, wouldn't it? Some people need guidance and opinion. Jeesh, if you can't help, stay out the thread. What is the point of your contribution here, except to put the OP down? Why post? 1
TaraMaiden Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 She hasn't deliberately done either....She was actually looking for ways to avoid doing that. So your point is largely redundant.
TaraMaiden Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Yes. But you sound as if you think the omission was intentionally deceptive and malicious. I don't think anyone else here believes it was.
TaraMaiden Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Yeah... but we all fear rejection for one reason or another. We all want to be liked, loved, wanted, for who we are.... She has an extremely unequivocal reason for not being able to bear children. It's a lot deeper than "I don't want kids". So the fear of rejection may be more intense. And that's hard to take when it's something about yourself you absolutely cannot change or compromise on, or be flexible about - having differing opinions on politics, religion, child-bearing can be deal-breakers even when circumstances permit those things to manifest. She's up against a wall and has no choice. So her concerns are doubled.... She may fear that rejection here would be accompanied by possible judgement....a judgement of something over which she has no control.
TaraMaiden Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Knowing how to do that doesn't always come automatically. Hence - forums such as this one..... People will always seek answers to their own issues. And people here seek answers from others. If she knew how to do it, she wouldn't have asked, I'm guessing.... If you have everything in your life all off pat and perfect, that's great, good for you. But not everyone is as comfortable about things as you seem to be.
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