Do/did you LOVE your AP?

[BrokenPrincess]

It seems to me most APs fall in love, at least in their "affair bubble." Did you fall in love with your AP? How long did it take? Did you say it?

 

And if post A, did you eventually regard your x differently? Did any post-A events or actions provoke you feel differently about xMM/MW?

[loredo21]

This is a good question. One I have pondered many times. My A was very short-lived. I think we were in "lust" though his emotional attachment at the time to me was much more than I wanted or felt. (funny how that switches on dday, huh)...After Dday I was very confused. Only at that point did I think I may have loved him. I have since discovered I was only missing the feeling I had with him and not that I actually loved him as a person. The rejection alone had tried to trick my mind into believing I loved a man that I barely knew. I cared about him greatly, but I don't believe he would ever be a person I could love. We had never said ILY. But had talked about running away together and leaving for eachother often.

[stevie_23]

Yes, I was very much in love and I believe he was with me too.

 

We were hugely in a bubble (long distance, both with other partners, internet / text interactions, etc) but the love was real for both of us.

 

We were in love before we even noticed what it was. We just thought we had huge affection and fondness for each other on an emotional and spiritual level. We didn’t realise we were actually IN love for a few weeks. We’d known each other for 1-2 years prior to getting much closer, on a songwriting forum where we were just casual friends. We always told each other we loved each other, several times every single day.

 

I am 3 months post-A. He ended it. I am still recovering, and I still do love him.

[promises]

Yes, I was very much in love and I believe he was with me too.

 

We were hugely in a bubble (long distance, both with other partners, internet / text interactions, etc) but the love was real for both of us.

 

We were in love before we even noticed what it was. We just thought we had huge affection and fondness for each other on an emotional and spiritual level. We didn’t realise we were actually IN love for a few weeks. We’d known each other for 1-2 years prior to getting much closer, on a songwriting forum where we were just casual friends. We always told each other we loved each other, several times every single day.

 

I am 3 months post-A. He ended it. I am still recovering, and I still do love him.

 

Stevie, how do you classify your AP love to that of your BS love? I believe that a person is capable of loving more than one person at once, but, I am just curious how you navigated this?

[stevie_23]

Well, at first, we both found it nice to HAVE this “extra” or new love in our lives. It didn’t seem a threat to either of our relationships because we were not planning to be together and we didn’t feel we HAD to get in the way of our normal relationships. We were just…something. Not friends, not lovers, not brother or sister, not parental type love, but…just something else. We didn’t know what, but we enjoyed it for what it was and THEN we realised we were actually IN love and then it got much more complicated and difficult for my peace of mind in terms of the constant guilt for my own partner.

 

It was just impossible to settle in some sort of place in my head where I didn’t feel disgustingly troubled and horrible about it. Like, if I compared the 2 partners, I felt bad because I was in love with him and not her anymore, and so I WANTED to be with him, but I also didn’t want to NOT be with her. And it would stress me out to try to take steps to really be with him (for him to leave his partner, come and visit me, then see what happened and if we wanted to still be properly together) because while I did want that, it also made me fear my own life and how much pain there’d be with my relationship and my partner and all of that. But then when I ignored all that and just tried to be with him, as we were (online, etc, and nothing more), that particular stress went away, but then the guilt got worse.

 

My BS love is settled, 12 years old, sort of companion, sister, best friend love. NO sexuality involved whatsoever. No in love feelings anymore, and they faded about 6 years ago I think.

 

My AP love was all the standard “in love” stuff…pretty much how I felt when I was first in love with my partner.

 

And in a way, as I said in another thread a few days ago, it was almost like my ROLE with my partner is as an exclusive intimate romantic partner, but the FEELINGS I have for her are different – as I said, sisterly, companion-like, friendship only. So for me to fall in love with someone else, it’s a different type of love. And as I also said, they don’t necessarily threaten each other but because of that role I have, it was wrong.

[LFH]

I absolutely do. Not "in the moment" or in the "bubble" but always. I love him. I like him, I care for him, I have deep and genuine affection for him. There is passion and romance and caring and friendship. I want him to be happy. I want good things for him.

[MissBee]

It seems to me most APs fall in love, at least in their "affair bubble." Did you fall in love with your AP? How long did it take? Did you say it?

 

And if post A, did you eventually regard your x differently? Did any post-A events or actions provoke you feel differently about xMM/MW?

 

I did and still do but I'm not "in love" with him, as cliched as it is lol. I have love for him but am not romantically attached to him, don't get butterflies and don't want to be in a relationship with him or think of him as "the one that got away."

 

He said it first after a little over a year, but we both agreed that we felt it before saying it.

 

Post-A I still love him but I do regard things differently than when I was in the A.I have never and still don't excuse what he did and I am still not quite sure if he himself has ever felt remorseful about that. He didn't throw me under any bus or exhibit any monstrous behaviors that I've seen some OW discuss here, but I do think I lost a bit of respect for him due to the whole thing, as well as as I have grown and moved forward. We've been in touch and I realize that while I will always have love for him and he is certainly one of my matches in this world, I want more that he cannot give -- A aside. He came back around, as a single man, but things between us still couldn't work out.

 

Maybe 2/3 years ago I would have had more harsh words to say about him, but these days I love him but am not attached to him and feel like I see him clearly without the romantic goggles and without the hurt/anger/confusion, but from a reconciled place.

Edited March 11, 2013 by MissBee

[wisernow]

I did and do still love him. Things are of course different now. I've not talked to him in almost two years. But, yes, I still love him. That doesn't mean I sit and ruminate over what could have been. It's different. I've moved on, he's where he wants/needs to be, and so am I. But do I still love him? Yes.

[wisernow]

I did and still do but I'm not "in love" with him, as cliched as it is lol. I have love for him but am not romantically attached to him, don't get butterflies and don't want to be in a relationship with him or think of him as "the one that got away."

 

He said it first after a little over a year, but we both agreed that we felt it before saying it.

 

Post-A I still love him but I do regard things differently than when I was in the A.I have never and still don't excuse what he did and I am still not quite sure if he himself has ever felt remorseful about that. He didn't throw me under any bus or exhibit any monstrous behaviors that I've seen some OW discuss here, but I do think I lost a bit of respect for him due to the whole thing, as well as as I have grown and moved forward. We've been in touch and I realize that while I will always have love for him and he is certainly one of my matches in this world, I want more that he cannot give -- A aside. He came back around, as a single man, but things between us still couldn't work out.

 

Maybe 2/3 years ago I would have had more harsh words to say about him, but these days I love him but am not attached to him and feel like I see him clearly without the romantic goggles and without the hurt/anger/confusion, but from a reconciled place.

 

I think this is so true for me. And can be true for others, unless there was lying and future faking to the OW/OM. I do think that some affairs are born out of this need, and the WS truly (at the time) think they are in this position in their life to end the marriage. But sadly, even if the marriage is in dire straits, (insert all the horribleness they tell you) once a D-day happens, they stay.

 

Perhaps, they were never really going to leave, perhaps things weren't ever as bad as they proclaimed. I don't know. I do know, that regardless of how bad the WS says the marriage is, how many nights they spend on the couch, how many times they never have sex with their partner, that they cannot leave because of children, money, jobs, home, blah, blah, etc..... The sad truth is.... They don't leave. They'll never leave, had no intention to leave. You are being played, to sit, be silent, and be used.

 

It's been played here over and over again. OW/OM truly want to believe that they are so unique, that their relationship is so special. That this person is telling them 100% truth. But sadly, most are told lies, and what the WS believes will keep you engaged, and silent, and available to him/her, on their terms. Its really a non-starter. Lies, lies, lies.

Edited March 11, 2013 by wisernow

[AnotherRound]

Yes, wholeheartedly loved him. If I hadn't, I would not have participated in such a jacked up mess for so many years - that was, at times, the ONLY thing that kept me there considering all of the external distractions of our relationship.

 

I will always love him - as I carry a bit of love for anyone I have loved in the past (yeah, even my exH, lol). In that, I don't wish bad things for them - I want them to grow, to learn, to find peace and happiness in a healthy way.

 

My love for exMM has changed - it's now more of a fondness than an "active love" bc it hasn't been nurtured for the past two years. Anything not nurtured tends to die down somewhat.

 

It didn't take long for me to fall in love with exMM - but he had been the first person I fell in love with since my divorce 3 years prior and I was actively dating at the time. I have honestly been in love 4 times in my entire life - all with very long term relationships, the current one now being my 4th. I don't fall in love easily -so when I do, I pay attention. When it's a rare feeling (as some folks seem to fall in love every other day!) I think it is VERY hard to ignore, despite any societal circumstances or rules.

 

When I see exMM now there is still love - just a different kind of love. A caring, yes - but again, it's not an active love - it hasn't been "kept up" so it has smoldered a bit, quite a bit. Also, I have lost a lot of respect for him - so I don't know that our love could ever be reignited at this point bc of that. But that deep down caring will never go away - he will always be a very important part of my life story, my love story.

[AnotherRound]

I think this is so true for me. And can be true for others, unless there was lying and future faking to the OW/OM. I do think that some affairs are born out of this need, and the WS truly (at the time) think they are in this position in their life to end the marriage. But sadly, even if the marriage is in dire straits, (insert all the horribleness they tell you) once a D-day happens, they stay.

 

Perhaps, they were never really going to leave, perhaps things weren't ever as bad as they proclaimed. I don't know. I do know, that regardless of how bad the WS says the marriage is, how many nights they spend on the couch, how many times they never have sex with their partner, that they cannot leave because of children, money, jobs, home, blah, blah, etc..... The sad truth is.... They don't leave. They'll never leave, had no intention to leave. You are being played, to sit, be silent, and be used.

 

It's been played here over and over again. OW/OM truly want to believe that they are so unique, that their relationship is so special. That this person is telling them 100% truth. But sadly, most are told lies, and what the WS believes will keep you engaged, and silent, and available to him/her, on their terms. Its really a non-starter. Lies, lies, lies.

 

I think that this is the problem for some, bc there are obviously exceptions to this rule. The WS who DOES leave, who does form a new relationship with the AP after the divorce. There are a few on here and this is a pretty small sampling of the general population. So maybe that's part of the problem - that there is always the statistical chance that the AP is in that group of folks who it IS a true relationship. Which is why I think it hurts them so badly when they are "thrown under the bus" bc they were really hopeful (and understandably so) that they were in that exceptions group.

 

My exMM and his wife are now divorced - so, it DOES happen. He didn't stay - oh yeah, he gave some half-hearted attempts at reconciliation, as did she - because they were both very fearful of actually being divorced - but they didn't stay. So - you just never know I guess. Maybe the odds are against it -but it's not impossible, ya know?

[Catplates]

Yes I loved him with my whole heart.

 

I no longer wished to be in the position of the OW.

 

When I realised that, I tucked that love away in my heart and moved away from him.

 

It will be there forever with moments of the 4 years we shared. I don't wish him to be part of me or my life ever again.

 

Cat

[TheOW]

I felt instantly attracted to him the first time I ever seen him (I was quiet young at the time)

 

Spoke to him a few times when I was 19 and knew then I had a crush on him, we always spoke in passing and you could instantly feel the chemistry (friends on both sides noticed and commented)

 

I think I always knew something would happen between us, when we did get together a few months into he told me he loved me, I think I had always been in love with him for a long time or at least infatuated with him.

 

Do I still love him after everything that has happened ? Yes I do and I always will, that will never change but I hope that it fades in time and allows me to love another .... One day

[waterwoman]

May i speak as a BS?

 

From what I can tell H did love his OW. And she loved him. It hurt me to have to accept that. But that seemed to be the fact.

 

But H also loved me just as much - it confused him as much as it did me. In the end 'love' alone wasn't enough - it took a long history, shared memories, shared children, and the debt of gratitude and respect we owed each other, as well as love (note - as well as NOT instead of) to make the decision easy for him.

 

I don't suppose that is the case for all affairs but it seems to have been that way for us.

[RainDown]

I fell in love with one of my MM; the rest were just lust/fun/chemistry type things.

 

I didn't intend to fall in love with MM; in fact, it never occurred to me that such a thing would come about. Then one day I realized that I hadn't been out with anyone else in months because I had lost interest in everyone but him. Strangely, it was the moment that I realized I was well and truly in love with the man that I knew I had to break it off. It had just become too much for me to handle.

 

He did ultimately leave his spouse to come and find me and we were together for a few years after that (we are not together now). I still love him and don't have a single bad thing to say about him.

 

I haven't dated an MM since then, which I used to do all the time just for sport. And I don't think I'll do it again. It's not a situation (actually falling in love with a MM) that I care to repeat. I have been tempted a few times, but there is too much of a chance for potential heartbreak for someone for me to go there again.

[TheOW]

This is what my H says, so take it for what it is worth. I read their conversations. He always told her he still loved me and that is why he was so confused. Now almost a year later since he ended it with her he says he realizes he didn't really love her, just loved the way she made him feel.

 

I could also say the same for ex boyfriends who I was in love with at the time ... Fast forward a year and I would tell you I didn't because I no longer do love them, but I did love them at the time.

[SunshineToday]

No, I did not love my AP. He told me he loved me and I told him I loved him. But I did and said a lot of things I didn't mean to keep things going smoothly.

 

If he posted here today, I'm sure he would answer that yes he loved his AP and vice versa. He would be wrong.

[Cali408]

We were friends before, and it just built. Once the emotional piece started, it was instant falling in love on both ends.

 

I love her and always will. She was my best friend then became my lover. Still think of her fondly though I'm over it.

[Yellowteacup]

I knew my AP for several years before we became more than friends. Yes, I am deeply in love with him and I think over the course of us being together the feeling of "love" he has for me has grown.

 

He is letting me call the shots but I do believe he wants something more. I think right now it's a wait and see.

[BrokenPrincess]

Wow what an array of surprising responses!! I expected the majority to be yes we were in love, said ILY, then got thrown under the bus/dropped unceremoniously etc and now realize they never loved xAP.

 

I've found myself in a strange place right now. Just got me wondering if I was the only OW who ever had an A with no declarations of love, and also, if any OW/OM still felt fondly toward their xAPs months or years down the road.

 

Thank you to everyone for sharing your experiences.

[veryhappy]

I was young(er) and naive when the A started, so I thought we'd be able to set clear boundaries and keep it within some limits that wouldn't spill in real life. Part of that was addressing falling in love. After a couple of months I said "we should discuss what to do if either of us will be falling in love" and the reply was "I think that's already happened.' He's a very reactive person and was the first one to say "I love you". I can't even remember the context (and he'd be upset about that). I usually say it delayed, because when I say it, it means a lot.

 

We were in love within a few months, and we loved each other to the best of our capabilities at the time.

 

Would my heart skip a beat if I saw him( in love)? Probably. I want to believe it wouldn't, but there's something about him that likely still does something to me. I'm determined to move beyond that though, because he chose somebody else. I still miss him badly physically and emotionally, and that's part of being in love. I will choose to keep what we shared as authentic, even if it ended how it did. Missing him doesn't erase his bad treatment towards me, so the anger moves me forward.

 

Do I still love him? In a sense( which is ironically the response he had for me asking "do you still love your W?" when he allegedly wanted to be with me). I usually think about loving him at past tense. It's just something I noticed I say to myself. It's always "I loved him". It's hard to love someone blindly after they hurt us.

Edited March 11, 2013 by cutedragon

[MissBee]

I can look back at an ex boyfriend I had before I was married and at the time I was with him thought I was in love with him, but now I know I wasn't. I was in love with being in love, in love with having a boyfriend, but in love with him, real love, no.

 

He probably loved her as much as anyone can love a fantasy.

 

I can relate to this.

 

With one of my recent exes, with time, I realized I actually didn't love HIM. I can't tell you anything non-superficial I liked/loved (yet I swore I was in love). I simply loved being inlove, being doted on, the rituals of a romantic relationship and having a boyfriend but I didn't in fact love him. With my exAP though, even with passing of time, I can say I loved him and still do and can actually explain why and what about him etc. I am not inlove with him like that anymore but I still do love him...whereas I realized I was "inlove" (aka caught up in a fog) with my other ex, but never actually loved him and now I neither love or am inlove with him.

 

So it is indeed possible for someone to feel inlove at the time and realize later that they didn't love this person, just the idea of love/rituals of romance but not actually them. Likewise, it is possible to not "be inlove" and on that romantic high anymore but can realize you do still love that person.

[AnotherRound]

I can relate to this.

 

With one of my recent exes, with time, I realized I actually didn't love HIM. I can't tell you anything non-superficial I liked/loved (yet I swore I was in love). I simply loved being inlove, being doted on, the rituals of a romantic relationship and having a boyfriend but I didn't in fact love him. With my exAP though, even with passing of time, I can say I loved him and still do and can actually explain why and what about him etc. I am not inlove with him like that anymore but I still do love him...whereas I realized I was "inlove" (aka caught up in a fog) with my other ex, but never actually loved him and now I neither love or am inlove with him.

 

So it is indeed possible for someone to feel inlove at the time and realize later that they didn't love this person, just the idea of love/rituals of romance but not actually them. Likewise, it is possible to not "be inlove" and on that romantic high anymore but can realize you do still love that person.

 

This is interesting to me, and I've heard it IRL too - this whole, I thought I was in love but I wasn't really. I have NEVER felt that - not once in my life have I ever mistakenly thought that I loved someone. I can't even get my brain around how that happens to people it seems so foreign to me.

 

I am interested to know if this could possibly be a defense mechanism? That once someone is hurt or let down that this is a way to ease that pain, by minimizing the relationship afterwards? Or, what does it feel like to just "think" that you are in love, mistakenly? I mean, does it feel differently than being in love for real?

 

I don't feel "love" very often when it comes to men - so, for me, to be tricked by my own heart or head would really tick me off! When I feel it - I know it's real - and afterwards, I have never thought, "well, that was silly, that wasn't love"... ????

 

I would be very interested in someone explaining to me how this feels - this "fake" love, or "tricking you" love... ????

[LFH]

This is interesting to me, and I've heard it IRL too - this whole, I thought I was in love but I wasn't really. I have NEVER felt that - not once in my life have I ever mistakenly thought that I loved someone. I can't even get my brain around how that happens to people it seems so foreign to me.

 

I have never experienced this either, yet i've heard it a lot. I think it could be that a lot of people use the word love very casually though and it's not a word I use lightly. In fact, I've said it to two men in my life and I've loved both of them.

[AnotherRound]

I have never experienced this either, yet i've heard it a lot. I think it could be that a lot of people use the word love very casually though and it's not a word I use lightly. In fact, I've said it to two men in my life and I've loved both of them.

 

I just can't really relate to it bc I'm the same as you. I've been in love 4 times in my life, and each and every time, I meant it wholeheartedly. And the first one was 20 years ago and I STILL know that it was a real love. Never once in those 20 years have I thought that it wasn't. Of course, the way I love now is different - because I've grown, am more mature, etc. I think I have developed a greater ability to love on a much deeper level - but heck, that's biology and my brain maturing too.

 

And what I say is that I really like someone - that is NOT love by any stretch of the imagination. I've really liked a few guys over the years - but without nurturing and time and bonding, it never developed to love - although it maybe could have.

 

Maybe that' sit - a distinction between some who think any fondness they feel is "love" when it's maybe just really fondness? Honestly though, I'm glad I've never experienced that fake you out thing bc that really would upset me to not be able to know my own true feelings. To not be aware of what my own emotions truly are. That would be horribly disorienting and frustrating!