Feeling Very Unsure Right Now....

[HopingAgain]

I've been lurking for awhile and finally decided to post, as I don't know what exactly I want to do in this situation with my husband anymore.

 

Just found out at the end of January my husband had just started an affair. I accidentally caught it before it got off the ground, they hadn't yet had sex. I confirmed this through overhearing their conversation where his phone accidentally dialed me. We had a big blowup where I confronted him, he promised NC, then a week later I found texts where she asked why he stopped contacting her and he replied he missed her and called her beautiful. I threatened to kick him out and left her a nasty message. 2 days later, her phone # was disconnected and I hid a Voice Activated Recorder in his truck to do surveillance for awhile. I am fairly sure it is NOW over. I am am seeing a counselor and we are attending a retrovaille retreat next month to attempt to save our marriage.

 

Here is the kicker: Athough he does seem remorseful, he has had an instance in the past 9 months ago where he almost cheated at a party. It was a drunken encounter and I was able to get past that. We've had issues in our marriage for a few years that have gone unresolved. But now I am worried this will be a patter and O told him im not interested in a marriage where serial cheating is involved. I am very unsure if I should just cut my losses now and walk or try to work through this.

[whichwayisup]

he promised NC, then a week later I found texts where she asked why he stopped contacting her and he replied he missed her and called her beautiful.

He needs to tell her you know and that their A is over. If he isn't going to do it, you let her know that you know about her and ask her to please back off and leave you both alone.

 

Get to marriage counseling and see how things go. No need to make a divorce decision yet, but to be honest, it doesn't look good. this is his second time cheating on you!

 

Your other option is, kick him out next time contact is broken and let him suffer the consquences. Allow him to think that you're divorcing him. He needs to see what life is like without you in it, while you can take that time to heal and figure out what you want.

 

this OW probably has no clue about anything and he probably has lied and omitted truths to suit him in the best possible light. Maybe talk to her, hear her side of things and compare it to what he's said.

[SidLyon]

You are right to be concerned, but you don't have to make a decision to stay or leave immediately.

 

You say he does "seem" remorseful. If he isn't genuinely remorseful or he has already concluded that being married to you isn't meeting his needs, or that he simply wants to have sex outside the marriage then he is at risk of seeking out OW for affairs/sex/relationships or whatever.

 

It is unlikely to work out long term if you set boundaries that he doesn't really want to stay within. It is not much of a life for you if you have to continually "police" or "enforce" any boundaries yourself. In the short term after a d-day it is common and natural for a BW to keep tabs on her H, but I can't imagine doing it forever.

 

What does he think about all this?

 

I think the two of you need to find a safe place to communicate whether you both want to stay married and just what you both want out of your marriage. If you are too far apart on this, eg if he decides he want to keep drinking until he's lost all inhibitions about hitting on women or succumbing to their advances, or if he insists it is his right to have secret women friends or friends who are not friends of the marriage; and you are not OK with this, then it might be time to talk about parting.

 

You should both probably commit to only having "friends of the marriage". These are not necessarily friends of both of you, but more that they are friends that support the fact that you are married and do not try to come between you in any way.

[HopingAgain]

He needs to tell her you know and that their A is over. If he isn't going to do it, you let her know that you know about her and ask her to please back off and leave you both alone.

 

Get to marriage counseling and see how things go. No need to make a divorce decision yet, but to be honest, it doesn't look good. this is his second time cheating on you!

 

Your other option is, kick him out next time contact is broken and let him suffer the consquences. Allow him to think that you're divorcing him. He needs to see what life is like without you in it, while you can take that time to heal and figure out what you want.

 

this OW probably has no clue about anything and he probably has lied and omitted truths to suit him in the best possible light. Maybe talk to her, hear her side of things and compare it to what he's said.

 

I called and left a message informing OW I know all about the affair, where she lives,etc, and her number from my husband,and asked her to leave him alone. 2 days later her phone #was disconnected and my WH hasnt contacted her since nor she him to my knowledge. She knows he is married and her last text to him was to ask him if he was in the doghouse with me and if that's why he stopped calling her.

 

I have threatened to kick DH out and have looked at divorce options, just in case. I believe he knows I mean it and more importantly, I know I mean it if anything else happens. I dontt trust him and may never again, so my spying on him is a little way to mimic a feeling of safety I guess. I've told him I am ready to leave but he wants to work things out. I do love him but I am very confused and tired of being hurt.

[HopingAgain]

You are right to be concerned, but you don't have to make a decision to stay or leave immediately.

 

You say he does "seem" remorseful. If he isn't genuinely remorseful or he has already concluded that being married to you isn't meeting his needs, or that he simply wants to have sex outside the marriage then he is at risk of seeking out OW for affairs/sex/relationships or whatever.

 

It is unlikely to work out long term if you set boundaries that he doesn't really want to stay within. It is not much of a life for you if you have to continually "police" or "enforce" any boundaries yourself. In the short term after a d-day it is common and natural for a BW to keep tabs on her H, but I can't imagine doing it forever.

 

What does he think about all this?

 

I think the two of you need to find a safe place to communicate whether you both want to stay married and just what you both want out of your marriage. If you are too far apart on this, eg if he decides he want to keep drinking until he's lost all inhibitions about hitting on women or succumbing to their advances, or if he insists it is his right to have secret women friends or friends who are not friends of the marriage; and you are not OK with this, then it might be time to talk about parting.

 

You should both probably commit to only having "friends of the marriage". These are not necessarily friends of both of you, but more that they are friends that support the fact that you are married and do not try to come between you in any way.

 

You are so right about the enforcing boundaries thing. I am growing so weary of ir already, exhausted really. And I've told him as much and asked him if he is truly capable of being committed to this marriage and he is adamant that he is, and that we just need to work through our issues that helped lead to this happening. One huge issue has been the company he keeps as his best friend is a bachelor who could care less about marriage or anything resembling it. I am hoping we can meet some new friends as we just moved to a new city in the past 6 months. Every time he goes to visit his best friend I experience bad triggers because his friend is the sort that encourages and condones drinking to excess as well as cheating! My husband doesn't see him often anymore but when he does, I hate it.

[BetrayedH]

May I ask what your H is doing to rebuild trust? There is a thread pinned at the top of this forum, "what every WS need to know" that's a good read for you to see what's "normal" to expect of your WS.

 

Your policing efforts are normal and yes, exhausting. It's called hypervigilance. While you may want to trust, you need to verify. He doesn't deserve trust right now and you need to verify that his words are true since he's pretty firmly established himself as a liar and a cheat lately. I ultimately embraced being hypervigilant because I needed it to keep my sanity (not knowing the truth drove me crazy) and everytime I investigated something and found nothing, we both won. My WW also understood this need and so she gave me carte blanche to investigate whatever I wanted, however I wanted, without any need to inform her. Your H's life should be an open book for the foreseeable future.

 

As the others have said, you can take your time making a decision. If he wants you to "get over it" faster than you're ready, make sure he knows where the door is so that he can leave. Normal estimates for recovery time from infidelity are 2-5 years. There's no need for you to rush. In fact, trying to go fast ends up being slow; slow is fast. In order to reconcile, you need (1) a truly remorseful wayward spouse and (2) a truly forgiving betrayed spouse. Understand that #2 cannot come before #1. And determinig if he is truly remorseful can take a LONG time. It is common for them to act contrite after Dday. But all too often, they are simply in damage control mode or they are staying out of guilt/obligation in the shock of being discovered. It may take him months before he'a ready to admit that he still wants out. And it can take you years to have enough trust in him again to say that you're truly committed to reconciliation. Again, give it time. If at some point you decide that you're done, you'll know.