promises Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 Dear BS, Your husband is a cheater. But, more importantly, he's a taker. You can't change a taker in life. You either are or you are not. I'm so incredibly tired of your husband. Do me a favor and train him to stop contacting me, please. Have him feed someone else false hope. He's in my way. Thanks, OW 3
threelaurels Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Why do you blame his wife for the fact that he keeps contacting you? Why not blame him? His wife obviously can't control his behavior or else he never would have had an affair in the first place. I don't see how any of this is her fault. 12
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Dear BS, Your husband is a cheater. But, more importantly, he's a taker. You can't change a taker in life. You either are or you are not. I'm so incredibly tired of your husband. Do me a favor and train him to stop contacting me, please. Have him feed someone else false hope. He's in my way. Thanks, OW I agree, you're blaming her again. It's out of her hands, he is doing what he wants because he can. I say, make it impossible for him to contact you and just IGNORE HIM. I know you say you're not angry at her, but this is another post directed at her. She's ill and probably not 'watching' his moves and what he's up to. Hope you can find peace and let go, not let this bug you so much. 4
georgia girl Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Promises, You are fatigued and I can see why. Let him go. You can't control what he does, but you have absolute control over what you do. Don't respond anymore. Take it one day without him and the next day is 100X easier. Then, in a short period of time, you'll have gone two weeks without him and suddenly realize that there is life beyond a man who did not make a fair deal with you. My best wishes for your bright future. It begins when you walk away. 2
Author promises Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 Promises, You are fatigued and I can see why. Let him go. You can't control what he does, but you have absolute control over what you do. Don't respond anymore. Take it one day without him and the next day is 100X easier. Then, in a short period of time, you'll have gone two weeks without him and suddenly realize that there is life beyond a man who did not make a fair deal with you. My best wishes for your bright future. It begins when you walk away. thanks, georgia girl.
Pierre Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Dear BS, Your husband is a cheater. But, more importantly, he's a taker. You can't change a taker in life. You either are or you are not. I'm so incredibly tired of your husband. Do me a favor and train him to stop contacting me, please. Have him feed someone else false hope. He's in my way. Thanks, OW Most people that cheat are A-holes. Everyone knows that. Why did it take a failed affair to make that discovery? 6
Author promises Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 Most people that cheat are A-holes. Everyone knows that. Why did it take a failed affair to make that discovery? Most people are. Some are not. 1
LadyLost Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Promises, You are fatigued and I can see why. Let him go. You can't control what he does, but you have absolute control over what you do. Don't respond anymore. Take it one day without him and the next day is 100X easier. Then, in a short period of time, you'll have gone two weeks without him and suddenly realize that there is life beyond a man who did not make a fair deal with you. My best wishes for your bright future. It begins when you walk away. Georgia, fantastic advise, brilliantly stated. Promises, we need to listen to the lady, she sounds like she knows what she is talking about.
Eggplant Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Don't feel angry or envious of his wife. Her position sucks. If you want to feel better about how you came out of the whole thing, think of her situation. He will cheat on her again (if she hasn't died yet).
IfWishesWereHorses Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Dear BS, Your husband is a cheater. But, more importantly, he's a taker. You can't change a taker in life. You either are or you are not. I'm so incredibly tired of your husband. Do me a favor and train him to stop contacting me, please. Have him feed someone else false hope. He's in my way. Thanks, OW Wow! So now the cheater's spouse is responsible for the outcome of the APs affair experience? She didn't train him to contact you, nor did you care for her imput while involved in your affair. Get a grip! You chose an affair with a married cheater, the wife is a victim of your and mm disregard for other people. She didn't cause your pain, why can't you leave her out of it? It's about you and your ex married lover. No one else. 14
awkward Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 BW, I told your WH that if continued to contact me that I would be forced to notify you. Here are his recent letters, emails, voicemails, and text messages since D-day. I want no contact with your WH and have blocked him at all avenues. I just thought you should know that he is still an *******. OW 5
LFH Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Why does it matter if she's angry at the BS? Whether it's rational or appropriate or not, it's how she feels and it's healthier for her to work through it here or in therapy than to pretend she doesn't feel it. I don't understand why it's taken so personally when an OW feels something negative for the BS in their situation. She isn't personally attacking anyone that posts here. Feelings are feelings. I think it's healthy that she work through them, eventually her anger will end up where it should be, I think she already has PLENTY of anger towards him as well, but emotions aren't always rational. 5
beach Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 (edited) Dear BS, Your husband is a cheater. But, more importantly, he's a taker. You can't change a taker in life. You either are or you are not. I'm so incredibly tired of your husband. Do me a favor and train him to stop contacting me, please. Have him feed someone else false hope. He's in my way. Thanks, OW Even though his W is ill - she deserves to know he continues to contact you. Send the letters back to her. He's still lying to her. And file a restraining order...one that includes any communication! This was suggested a long while back and you stated that if he sent any more letters - your attorney would return them with a solid threat for him to cease contact. yet you keep receiving letters and don't enforce a healthy boundary... Why not? He hasn't had significant consequences that send a clear message to leave you alone! No reason to blame his W... She can't control him - he obviously can't control himself! Knowing this - get some strength and take action on that azzhat! Edited March 11, 2013 by beach
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Why does it matter if she's angry at the BS? Whether it's rational or appropriate or not, it's how she feels and it's healthier for her to work through it here or in therapy than to pretend she doesn't feel it. I don't understand why it's taken so personally when an OW feels something negative for the BS in their situation. She isn't personally attacking anyone that posts here. Feelings are feelings. I think it's healthy that she work through them, eventually her anger will end up where it should be, I think she already has PLENTY of anger towards him as well, but emotions aren't always rational. Good point. Just hope others see this from the other side. To read that a BS has no right to put partial blame or be angry at the OW/OM, and some DO believe this, that ALL the anger should be directed at the WS, isn't fair either. In Promise's case, her exMM is a total nut job, he's disrespectful, a user, you name it, he's it.. Guess most don't understand her anger towards exMM's wife. The woman is ill and it's serious. Unless I've forgotten details of P's situation (and that is possible!) and the BS has caused problems in her life directly? Sorry P. I should go back and re-read your older threads. 3
Author promises Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 Good point. Just hope others see this from the other side. To read that a BS has no right to put partial blame or be angry at the OW/OM, and some DO believe this, that ALL the anger should be directed at the WS, isn't fair either. In Promise's case, her exMM is a total nut job, he's disrespectful, a user, you name it, he's it.. Guess most don't understand her anger towards exMM's wife. The woman is ill and it's serious. Unless I've forgotten details of P's situation (and that is possible!) and the BS has caused problems in her life directly? Sorry P. I should go back and re-read your older threads. No one understands my being upset with the BS because I do not share the most detailed information about that side of things on this site. However, he is of course responsible for his own actions. 1
LFH Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 No one understands my being upset with the BS because I do not share the most detailed information about that side of things on this site. However, he is of course responsible for his own actions. I assume that there is, of course, much more to many of these stories than will ever be shared for privacy and discretion purposes. My own is a perfect example of that. I have found the more that I do share the more it seems to confuse the issue actually. That aside, even if you had ZERO reason to be angry at her whatsoever though, if you feel angry, that would still be your feelings to work through, whether they are "correct" or not. Being that this is the OW/OM support board, I would assume that this would be a good place for you to be able to vent that. People rarely make sense 100% of the time. Everyone needs a place where they can just ramble and vent. It's ok. Be angry if you need to... at whomever you need to. 2
beach Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 No one understands my being upset with the BS because I do not share the most detailed information about that side of things on this site. However, he is of course responsible for his own actions. Yes he is. And you are responsible for the way you participate too. Why are you allowing him to disrespect your boundary over and over? Meaning no contact... Just because he calls or writes doesn't mean you need to answer or even receive his written letters. You CAN choose to block his number - change your number - and return his letters to the sender unopened! All his contact is only going o be with the intent of him, his best interest (getting you back in the affair, and to feed his go = all at your cost - of self esteem and self worth. Why haven't you taken solid action yet?
Catplates Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Promises, If he is in your way, then it's clearly nobody's fault but your own. You keep reading letters, so he will keep writing them... so simple. 2
Spark1111 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Promises, If he is in your way, then it's clearly nobody's fault but your own. You keep reading letters, so he will keep writing them... so simple. And he is NOT a reformed cheater. As long as he contacts you in secret without his wife knowing, I would say he is still actively cheating on her. And for that HE IS an Azzh#le. WHY do YOU allow it is a better question to ask yourself. What are you hoping Letter 5 or 6 or 7 will say? 5
threelaurels Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Being that this is the OW/OM support board, I would assume that this would be a good place for you to be able to vent that. People rarely make sense 100% of the time. Everyone needs a place where they can just ramble and vent. It's ok. Be angry if you need to... at whomever you need to. I agree, and I feel may have overstepped my boundaries with my initial comment. I apologize to promises for my insensitivity. BW, I told your WH that if continued to contact me that I would be forced to notify you. Here are his recent letters, emails, voicemails, and text messages since D-day. I want no contact with your WH and have blocked him at all avenues. I just thought you should know that he is still an *******. OW I disagree that she should send the wife anything at this point. The wife knows of the affair, and she has spoken with her about the situation. Promises needs to look out for her best interests at this point and remove herself from the situation. She needs to cut contact with both of them. OP, it must be very difficult for you to be able to let go of this whole thing with him still contacting you. I would take the advice of others here and block his every avenue of contact. If that doesn't work, tell him you will be a RO. Often just letting them know you intend to involve law enforcement will get the message across. I also agree that it will continue to be difficult for you to move on if he is still contacting you. If he is contacting you by phone, I suggest you either change your number or contact your phone company to see if his number can be blocked. If he's sending letters, start writing 'return to sender' on them and send them back unopened. You can also contact the post office to see if they will stop delivering them, but I'm not sure if this is something they will do. You should also send him and his wife an official no-contact letter. Have it notarized so it looks as official as possible. Tell him in the letter that, if he contacts you again, you will consider it harassment and will notify the police. If he does it anyway, go through with the threat. Show him you mean business This man is an *******. He doesn't deserve your time. He had his chance to be with you and he blew it. 1
veryhappy Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 She wouldn't be sending the NC letter to the wife. She'd be sending it to both of them, and not adding her would actually be keeping her in the dark.
threelaurels Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Wow. just wow. The wife should know that she's trying to work through something that he is still participating in. I'm really surprised at your answer. Not only do you want to keep the wife in the dark, but you want to further insult her by sending HER a NC letter? Why? What has she done to warrant such a letter? Wow. She does deserve to know, but promises also needs to move on with her life. She has done more than many OWs have done with regard to the wife. It is not her responsibility to keep updating the wife every time her husband tries to make contact with her. She needs to go no contact with bothof them of them because she needs to stop being dragged back into the drama. A NC letter is nothing personal against the wife. She is obviously a victim here and is hurting very much. If the wife is contacting her and looking for information, she needs to stop. She got the information she was looking for. Continued contact with OW will only hurt her more. Sometimes people need an impetus that forces them to do what is best for themselves. The wife deserves to know that her husband is still lying, but it's not the OW's responsibility to do that when she is trying to remove themselves from the situation. The wife has other means of finding out whether or not her husband is continuing contact (tape recorders, private investigators, etc.). The affair is over. Promises should no longer be involved in either of their lives. If she is expected to keep updating the wife, she is only being dragged back into a situation that isn't healthy for anyone involved. 2
threelaurels Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 So why not tell the wife and say "I will no longer be responding to either of you. You know what he "still" is up to. Do what you will. If he continues, I will be forced to take legal action to make it stop." This is exactly what I think she should do.
Owl Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Just a thought. It's not her fault he's an A-hole. If she chooses to reconcile with him, that should be a good thing from your viewpoint...it should help keep him from bothering you further. Let her know he's still trying to contact you, so she can follow through with your desire that she help him stop annoying you. 1
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