Huge setback...ex wont leave me alone

[TheWeeknd]

Just a small recap of the events of my breakup journey, a few weeks ago my ex girlfriend of 4 years have been sending me texts of wanting me to be friends with benefits. She says she has been dreaming about me and thinking of having sex with me. During this whole conversation she kept pushing the idea of friends but I kept telling her no since we both still have feelings and emotions attached. I told her that I doubt her current suitor(s) will like her still messing around with the ex, and that I respect her too much to want this. Her response was that she did not leave me for anyone and isn't in a relationship and that she does not mind if there are still emotions attached, who knows where it might lead to, but she just wants her "friend" back and whatever happens will happen.

 

Anyways...yesterday night I had a surprise visit from my ex. I was sitting at home doing some reading for school when I heard a knock on the front door. To my surprise it was my ex. I knew I should not have but stupid me let her in. After sitting on the couch and letting her do her talking she basically told me...

 

1) Yes, she is in another relationship. The older guy who she has no "feelings" for but does enjoy spending time with him since he takes her to nice rich people parties

 

2) She knows now that she loves me sincerely and she feels as if she only can have this emotional connection with me and no one else.

 

3) She wants to make her self better and get over her depression before she wants to have a relationship with me again. She knows I am the one but according to her she just isn't good enough for me now.

 

4) She is afraid of losing me. She knows that I have started to see other girls casually and she is afraid that I will forget about her once I get serious with anyone.

 

5) She wants to give this relationship a try but she knows its impossible to do now. She wants to wait until the future when we both are ready.

 

6) She wants to only sleep with me and have that emotional connection with me since it is what makes her truly happy...

 

Shamefully to say, I allowed her to pressure me into sleeping with her...after sex, I asked her if she feels guilty sleeping with me seeing how she is in another relationship. Her reply is she doesn't feel tied down to the other guy since she has no feelings for him.

 

Deep down after sleeping with her and talking to her I know she still has feelings for me, and I still have some feelings for her too. But I know what we have now is bad. I can't and I wont be the other man even if she tells me she isn't sleeping with the other guy only hanging out.

 

Ever since yesterday, she has been texting me frequently saying "I love you" please don't hate me I just need time to figure my stuff out, and other BS couple talk...

 

I was moving on so well too until all this happened. What allowed me to move on was giving up hope of reconciliation. But now... after hearing her pour her heart out to me... how can I move on and continue my life. She wants to see me at least once a week and just let emotions take over (aka sex and spend time like couples). I do want us to be able to reconcile one day but in the future when we are both single...

 

I have told her I will need time to think over what to do between us. What's a guy like me to do? All this mixed feelings coming from my ex is killing me and not allowing me to move on.

Edited March 10, 2013 by TheWeeknd

[iouaname]

Well it sounds like you know what you have to do. You have to stop responding, you have to stop letting her in, both literally and figuratively. I think you made a huge mistake in sleeping with her - that's never a good idea.

 

If you truly want to move on, then you have to cut her out and stop allowing her to barge into your life whenever she pleases. As much as you protest that you don't want it -- you let it happen.

 

If you want her back, then you need to take steps that will force her to respect you and to realize that you're not a toy.

 

I'd be skeptical about reconciling with anyone who is willing to sleep with you while being in another relationship, though...

[TheWeeknd]

If she hasn't told me how she feels about me still, I would have been able to move on without a second thought. But now knowing that she still does love me, has an emotional and physical connection with me, and does see a future with me and wants to be with me in the future only puts me in a difficult position. I know I still do truly love this girl but right now just isn't the best time to reconcile. I do want to leave the doors open for a possible reconciliation in the future when both of us are actually ready to. To add to the fact that she has told me that she has not slept with the other guy and they only hang out further messes with my mind seeing how she enjoys spending time with this other guy, but wants me for the emotional connection and love.

 

I know there are so many people on this forum begging for breadcrumbs or a sign of acknowledgment from an ex. I for one never hoped for any of this. I would actually prefer her telling me she doesn't love me anymore, never will and just to cut all ties with me.

 

The worst part is, I now feel as if I am the dumper and I have such a tough choice to make...

[orionboxing]

Not to be too cynical....or harsh...you seem like a cool guy...but...

 

But how do you really know she isn't having sex with this other guy?

 

She is using sex to get into your life. She might be using sex to stay in that rich snob's life too. Some women (not all) will do literally anything or ANYONE to feel appreciated and get what they want out of life. I've seen beautiful women throw themselves at some pretty ugly looking guys with money just because they have perceived power...but really have nothing that the average guy does from a personality standpoint. Like I said, some women do this. The good ones don't.

 

My take? Hump this girls brains out and use her only for sex. Dispose of her when she is not useful. Sorry, she seems to want to be treated this way. She's in for a long and lonely life alone when her looks fade and she realizes that she doesn't have any values or sense of self to fall back on.

 

Find yourself a better woman that doesn't care about her social status or the how much attention she is getting. YOU deserve better.

[destroyed4sho]

Well,

if she stopped seeing the other guy would you want her back or consider reconciliation??

[TheWeeknd]

Not to be too cynical....or harsh...you seem like a cool guy...but...

 

But how do you really know she isn't having sex with this other guy?

 

She is using sex to get into your life. She might be using sex to stay in that rich snob's life too. Some women (not all) will do literally anything or ANYONE to feel appreciated and get what they want out of life. I've seen beautiful women throw themselves at some pretty ugly looking guys with money just because they have perceived power...but really have nothing that the average guy does from a personality standpoint. Like I said, some women do this. The good ones don't.

 

My take? Hump this girls brains out and use her only for sex. Dispose of her when she is not useful. Sorry, she seems to want to be treated this way. She's in for a long and lonely life alone when her looks fade and she realizes that she doesn't have any values or sense of self to fall back on.

 

Find yourself a better woman that doesn't care about her social status or the how much attention she is getting. YOU deserve better.

 

The thing is, I do not know if she is sleeping with the other guy or not. I would love to say I trust her and that I want to believe that she actually still truly loves me and is just confused with her lifestyle right now. I do kind of get the feeling that she has G.I.G.S and is using this new guy for all the parties she gets to go to. We hardly partied much when we were in a relationship together for 4 years.

 

Well,

if she stopped seeing the other guy would you want her back or consider reconciliation??

 

If she ever stopped seeing the other guy and got her sh*t together, then yes, I would consider seeing her again in the near future. When she gets over this party stage of her life and sees that there is more to life then going out partying each weekend. When she spent the night at my place yesterday, I actually felt as if the old girl I fell in love with was back. After she spewed out her feelings for me telling me that she has never stopped loving me and has always imagined a future with us together only made me weaker in my resolve to cut all contact with her.

 

At this point in time, I am thinking of giving her an ultimatum...either she gets her act together and we stay friends, or we cut all contact. I'm not sure if this is the correct way to approach this situation though...

[Sugarkane]

So why was she willing to lose you? I think she has to choose, this is cruel on you. Why should you wait for her, when she is with this other guy? This makes me so mad. Sorry to be harsh but when I had a dumper who kept contacting me (verbally abusing me) I wish I had threatened him with legal action. Why should you be strung along, when she could be sleeping with this other guy? What's in it for you?

[Sugarkane]

I mean dumpers rarely care about us when we're lonely/ hurting. They never care then. It's a lame excuse I think.

[TheWeeknd]

So why was she willing to lose you? I think she has to choose, this is cruel on you. Why should you wait for her, when she is with this other guy? This makes me so mad. Sorry to be harsh but when I had a dumper who kept contacting me (verbally abusing me) I wish I had threatened him with legal action. Why should you be strung along, when she could be sleeping with this other guy? What's in it for you?

 

I mean dumpers rarely care about us when we're lonely/ hurting. They never care then. It's a lame excuse I think.

 

That is exactly what I do not understand. She keeps saying she loves me with all her heart and she knows that she wants to be with me in the future. She also says she wants to still make love to me and have that emotional connection with me since I am the only one that she can have this connection with...but for some reason that she believes she is not good enough for me now, and she just has to improve herself before she can come back to me.

 

She knows that she cant be with me now, but she is also afraid to fully let me go since she knows if I ever fall in love with another girl again, there might be a chance that the next girl might just be the one for me and that I will forget about her.

 

All these mixed feelings she is throwing at me is just driving me insane with thoughts. She really has turned this breakup around and is making me feel as if I am the dumper and I have to make a choice of either being her emotional/physical connection and waiting for her to wake up, or to just cut her off and go back to NC which I was so loving and getting used to. I guess my number one fear right now is I know that deep down I still truly love this girl, and if I go back to NC, she might be heart broken and do something to herself(She has been depressed for a good year or so), or I might lose her for good and have her hate me.

[chelsea2011]

That is exactly what I do not understand. She keeps saying she loves me with all her heart and she knows that she wants to be with me in the future. She also says she wants to still make love to me and have that emotional connection with me since I am the only one that she can have this connection with...but for some reason that she believes she is not good enough for me now, and she just has to improve herself before she can come back to me.

 

She knows that she cant be with me now, but she is also afraid to fully let me go since she knows if I ever fall in love with another girl again, there might be a chance that the next girl might just be the one for me and that I will forget about her.

 

All these mixed feelings she is throwing at me is just driving me insane with thoughts. She really has turned this breakup around and is making me feel as if I am the dumper and I have to make a choice of either being her emotional/physical connection and waiting for her to wake up, or to just cut her off and go back to NC which I was so loving and getting used to. I guess my number one fear right now is I know that deep down I still truly love this girl, and if I go back to NC, she might be heart broken and do something to herself(She has been depressed for a good year or so), or I might lose her for good and have her hate me.

 

Why does it matter if you are the dumper or not if you're not happy? You have to do what's right for you and if going NC so you can heal and move on then do so. Take care of yourself and set a boundary that you won't tolerate being pulled back and forth by her wishy washiness. You are putting YOUR power of choice in her hands. Why? It's your life.

[TigerCub]

"The older guy who she has no "feelings" for but does enjoy spending time with him since he takes her to nice rich people parties"

 

You know who else does that? - The girls that work as escorts.

I'm guessing that she did have to put out to be taken to these fancy rich people parties.

 

Furthermore, I think that statement alone should have been a turn off for you - because she's saying how materialistic and immature she is and how she's willing to be with just anyone to be in that phony environment.

 

She may care for you - but she knows that you're seeing other people and you're trying to move on and she is using sex to keep a part of you - because as long as you're having sex with her can you really be in a full on relationship with anyone else?

 

She's selfish, childish, immature and willing to use anyone to get what she wants.

 

Reading your post made me so mad for you and I don't even know you.

 

But you sound like a nice person and it seems like you were trying to pick up the pieces and move on and she just wants to use you and keep you in limbo.

 

Please do what is best for you.

I know it is hard to go NC with someone you love and someone you shared so much with - but if you don't look out for your best interest who will?

[Darren Steez]

Dude what the hell is wrong with you!!?!!?

 

Really for some tail?

 

Fact is she's going out with somebody else, this guy is paying or her stuff, spending money on her and she doesn't like him...you know what we call that..

 

Besides the point. This girl is insincere as they come, she's gassing your head up, offering you sex and dude you're falling for it *shaking head*

 

She's even offering you breadcrumbs that you might get back together later on and like a little chicken you keep pecking them up following her into her trap.

 

If you had any self respect at all, you'd tell her to do one. Heck I couldn't be with a person who sleeping with somebody else * and make no mistake she's sleeping with him so she can get to go to rich people parties..or whatever that is* isn't that gross?

 

Now you're here asking all these questions because she's messing with your head and you're allowing it, how soon before she meets a younger rich guy at one of these parties and dumps you?

[geegirl]

I understand you had a 4 year relationship with her and that you still have an attachment but it's really disturbing that you would still want to be with someone that sleeps with rich old men just to go to fancy parties.

 

That's a very strong indiction as to her mental psyche and moral standards. Even if she came back to you, how could you possibly trust someone that has such a shallow sense of what love and commitment means?

 

You had a relationship with her but that is in the past. Who she is now is far different from who she was then. You can't base your need to stick around because of what you HAD with her. Deal with the NOW and the NOW is crap.

 

There is a word for women that sleep with men for money.

 

Seek better and aim higher. Find your self-respect.

[Chi townD]

Dude, REALLY?! STUPID!

 

Okay, look. You slept with her and she has NO GUILT about cheating on the guy that she's currently dating. Because, SHE doesn't have an emotional connection with this guy. Uh huh. Betcha she's sleeping with him though....so, I guess she has a physical connection. So, she doesn't have feelings for the dude she's dating right now. What about him? Do you think that he has feelings for her? Do you think that he would approve of her sleeping with you? Why don't you tell him? She can't get too mad, because she doesn't have feelings for him, so...who cares! Right?

 

Look, she's now getting what she wants. Your "friendship". You weren't giving it to her before and that's what she really wanted. She became desperate and she's BUYING your friendship in exchange for sex. Friends with benefits!

 

You want to find out JUST how much you mean to her. Text her. Tell her that you can't do this. It's either him or me. Right now, you have to decide. Peroid. Him or me. I betcha she backpedals and tries to talk her way out of that situation. Because, lets face it, if she still has feelings for you and NONE for him, then the answer would be easy and roll right out of her mouth.

 

But, she doesn't want to make that choice. She's got the best of both worlds right now. She has the intimacy and "friendship" from you, and the other guy buys her expensive things and takes her to expensive resturants and parties. She doesn't want to give up her sugar daddy.

[lovelifexx]

Do you really think a guy would date a girl that never has sex with him? So, they just go to parties together and hang out but never have sex?!?

[TheWeeknd]

Thanks everyone for the feedback and wake up call. I respect myself and her too much. I will make her choose. Maybe then I will be able to see through her bull ****. I will keep everyone updated.

 

I love you guys seriously =P you guys are what makes me go ahead with what my head wants me to do so that I can stop listening to my heart/emotions.

[TheWeeknd]

This will probably be the last post I make about my breakup for a while. So I finally had the talk with my ex. We both sat down and thoroughly said what was on our minds. I was actually surprised what occurred. We were both able to sit down like mature adults, talk about our emotions, our feelings and how things will go from this moment onward. It is amazing how NC can help people recover and think straight.

 

From the talk I could see that my ex had become better then where she was at 3 months ago. She seems to have kind of woken up from her slumber of day to day partying, hard drugs, smoking, and drinking. I say kind of because of the fact that from what I know, she is still stuck in her G.I.G.S lifestyle. She still sees the need to go party with her new friends and new boyfriend. I do kind of feel sad that she chose that lifestyle over me but I know I have already accepted this a long time ago. At least she seemed a bit more focused on where she wants to be in her life and is starting to get back on track with her education, finances, etc. Overall I feel as if I can really move on in peace knowing that at least she will be able to get her act together with or without me.

 

After talking to each other I have found out that we both do still care and love each other and aren't turning down the idea of reconciliation in the future. We also both agreed that now isn't the time to bring it up. We must both be at a stage in our lives where we are both more mature and ready to restart a relationship.

 

I told her that I will not be in touch with her anytime soon because she is still with her new guy and that I will not be the third man. I want her to grow up by herself and improve herself without me. Maybe one day in the future when we are both single, we might be able to talk about starting over again. She replied by saying that I was the best thing that ever happened to her and that her worst fear is that she will lose me forever and that I will not acknowledge her in the future. She also said that she understands what I am talking about and will accept my choice of giving each other space.

 

We were able to end on a good note and to see that although we still do truly care about each other, this relationship might have just been one of being in the wrong time and wrong place in life. Who knows, maybe one day we will be able to maturely start something new but I am not counting on it or waiting for it.

 

I would like to thank everyone that has helped me so far with the ending of my relationship. I think I will still stick around once in a while to update anyone on any happenings or just to help others out with what I have learned.