Morgan1 Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 My ex and I broke up about 9 months ago. I was the one to break it off and since then I have realized that it was due to my stupid insecurities. We had been dating for 5 years and everything was great. At that point in the relationship, i thought that it was so serious that we should either break up or consider marriage. I sadly chose the former because I knew that I was not ready for marriage and I was trying not to waste her time. Anyways, the months have come and gone and I have realized what a large mistake it was. I realized that I was not the best boyfriend but I have never had such great chemistry with another person and we always had fun. Never really had any devastating fights either. We remained friends and still hang out but she has started dating again and it upsets me to hear about her with other guys. I know it is not my place anymore but I just can't help myself. I finally mustered up the courage to sit down with her and express my feelings. I apologized for my worsening behavior towards the end of our relationship( i am doing a phd and the stress was getting to me), and asked if she has ever thought about, or would consider getting back together with me. We had a lengthy discussion but in the end she told me that we both need to grow as individuals still and that 9 months isnt enough. She thought there could be a chance we get back together eventually be she said she couldnt be sure when. She seems to be dating multiple guys and my fear is that she will forget about me all together. I am very conflicted because I lover her so much and want to keep her in my life but at the same time if she doesnt feel the same way, I dont want to be strung along. Does anyone have any advise? Am i just being an idiot thinking that there is a chance we will end up together? We decided after the conversation that we should not have any contact for at least a month, however, all i have been able to do is think of her. I have been very depressed lately and my personal as well as my professional life is starting to suffer. Thanks for all of your comments. Anything really helps during this rough time.
Amelie1980 Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 I wish my ex would come and say this to me. I can live in hope! Bottom line....you dumped her. Then you left her 9 months without trying to make amends. If I was in her position I would be concerned if you actually wanted to commit and be worried if id be dumped again. There is not a lot you can do other than respect her wishes for now. 2
Author Morgan1 Posted March 10, 2013 Author Posted March 10, 2013 I am going to respect her wishes. It has only been 2 days with NC. The thing that throws me off is that she was constantly calling and texting me. We always have a good time when we hang out and she always tells me she wants to stay friends no matter what. She has also said she doesnt want me to disappear from her life. I just dont know because it seems like she still wants me to be around. Maybe she is being selfish and wants a backup option just in case it doesnt work out with the new guys.
todreaminblue Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 (edited) this is what i do when i have backwards thinking ideas or thoughts........i physically try and walk backwards..........have you ever tried this????...probably not and its just me and a strategy i was given because sometimes i need visual and physical representation to help me decide on life changing situations....but i suggest you try it.......it is the most uncomfortable feeling why? number one ...you cant see what is ahead of you only what is behind.... i have walked into a telegraph pole walking backwards which was uncomfortable....... number two.....it is uncomfortable because we are not built to walk backwards....the natural gait you have in life is too walk forwards and eyes forward.....eyes and gait on where you want to go not where you have been and seen already number three.....all those potholes that you walked around are still there , they havent gone away, they exist and will continue to exist adn while you are looking at them, you fail to see the pothole in front of you, which always exists as well just unseen because you are concentrating on teh wrong direction.......dont go back.....only move forward, you need to let go of yoru ex, its been walked, done and said.....theres a telegraph pole with your name on it if you continue to look back and hope that path is the one you should take in the future...because it just isnt....let go....eyes forward.... and find a relationship and another partner where you are both walking the same way together......her path is different to yours now....all that is going to happen if you continue to walk backwards is one ....see the telegraph pole here it comes..oh thats right you cant because you are walking backwards....two your calves are going to ache like crap from messing with the gait you are supposed to have walkin the path ........you arent going to change your direction and avoid the stumbles...because you just wont see the stumbles before you are eating dirt.....good luck....deb Edited March 10, 2013 by todreaminblue
Amelie1980 Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 I am going to respect her wishes. It has only been 2 days with NC. The thing that throws me off is that she was constantly calling and texting me. We always have a good time when we hang out and she always tells me she wants to stay friends no matter what. She has also said she doesnt want me to disappear from her life. I just dont know because it seems like she still wants me to be around. Maybe she is being selfish and wants a backup option just in case it doesnt work out with the new guys. I don't think it's fair to.call.her selfish when you dumped her for no.reason.
orionboxing Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 Don't give up hope now. People do come back. I've had multiple exes return in my lifetime and if your relationship was mature enough and there really wasn't a lot of damage done than it might be possible. I only say this because the destructive, stupid relationships with particular girls never come back (three week relationships, dumb dates). Sounds like their is some substance here to build on. The big thing is just to not put a lot of pressure on her now. I know it is hard...but back off and get occupied with a hobby, a job, something. Just be cool and enjoy life as a single guy right now. Then, after some time, get confident and make another move on this girl. If she is cold....split and move on. Realize that you have confidence and you are going places and you have no time for people to be harsh to you. People should play by these rules more often (even myself). If she warms up to you a little bit, proceed.
Author Morgan1 Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 Thank you for the advise everyone. I think it will be a little hard to get it out of my mind but I am not going to contact her at all. I have laid out my cards so she knows where I stand. If she wants to come back that is great but in the mean time I will just start to focus on myself again. Thanks for all of the help. I really needed it.
Author Morgan1 Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 Also Amelie1980, you mentioned that you would be worried about commitment issues. While I am very confident in the matter, I can see how those feelings would arise. Is there any way to re-assure her that I have figured out what I want? I could sense the hesitation that she had and maybe that is why she still needs more time. I guess i am not sure.
Coping Vortex Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 She is gone for good. Sorry to tell you that.
CC12 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 We remained friends and still hang out but she has started dating again and it upsets me to hear about her with other guys. Are you sure you're not just wanting her back now because she's moving on? Let me give you a really dumb analogy. Remember when you were little and you'd be just hanging out with other kids and one of those kids picked up your toy that you weren't even playing with and suddenly you're like, "Hey, wait, I remember that toy. It's a great toy and I like playing with it. That is mine give it back to me, you dumb kid." This is a dumb analogy because people are obviously not toys. But you get what I mean. We take things for granted and when it looks like we might lose them we start doing damage control. And sometimes that's really not fair to others. Maybe it's like that. 1
Amelie1980 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 (edited) Also Amelie1980, you mentioned that you would be worried about commitment issues. While I am very confident in the matter, I can see how those feelings would arise. Is there any way to re-assure her that I have figured out what I want? I could sense the hesitation that she had and maybe that is why she still needs more time. I guess i am not sure. Absolutely.....buy an engagement ring and propose. You said it wad either marry or dump so marry her. If the thought of doing that scares you, then leave her be. How can you be with someone for 5 years and not be ready for marriage. After 5 years what difference would a piece of paper make..... Edited March 11, 2013 by Amelie1980
Amelie1980 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 this is what i do when i have backwards thinking ideas or thoughts........i physically try and walk backwards..........have you ever tried this????...probably not and its just me and a strategy i was given because sometimes i need visual and physical representation to help me decide on life changing situations....but i suggest you try it.......it is the most uncomfortable feeling why? number one ...you cant see what is ahead of you only what is behind.... i have walked into a telegraph pole walking backwards which was uncomfortable....... number two.....it is uncomfortable because we are not built to walk backwards....the natural gait you have in life is too walk forwards and eyes forward.....eyes and gait on where you want to go not where you have been and seen already number three.....all those potholes that you walked around are still there , they havent gone away, they exist and will continue to exist adn while you are looking at them, you fail to see the pothole in front of you, which always exists as well just unseen because you are concentrating on teh wrong direction.......dont go back.....only move forward, you need to let go of yoru ex, its been walked, done and said.....theres a telegraph pole with your name on it if you continue to look back and hope that path is the one you should take in the future...because it just isnt....let go....eyes forward.... and find a relationship and another partner where you are both walking the same way together......her path is different to yours now....all that is going to happen if you continue to walk backwards is one ....see the telegraph pole here it comes..oh thats right you cant because you are walking backwards....two your calves are going to ache like crap from messing with the gait you are supposed to have walkin the path ........you arent going to change your direction and avoid the stumbles...because you just wont see the stumbles before you are eating dirt.....good luck....deb You're taking choice out of the picture....you cant see what's ahead of you...unless you leave everything yo chance then you can. Two people can make the future work if the choose to.
Chi townD Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Look, I don't know her or you but, you said you broke it off because of some insecurities. Now, you're not dating anymore, but she's dating SEVERAL different guys. Maybe your insecurities weren't completely unfounded. Look, you can't be her friend and (even though you broke it off) she decided that she would rather date other guys than to be exclusive with you. Even though she stated that she wants you in her life, she can't have it both ways because this is killin you. Knowing that you can't see her or hang out with her because she's out on a date. How are you being fair to yourself? You CAN NOT be her friend while you still have romantic feelings for her. Those feeling will always get in the way. SO much so that you found a advice forum to try and figure sh*t out. NC dude. Time to move on because you're standing still while she's having the time of her life. Ignore texts, emails and phonecalls. Look, you made a mistake and tried getting her back. But, she decided that she didn't want to come back. So, time for you to find your own path for you to start walking down. If she gets upset because you're not answering her texts or returning her phonecalls, well, it is what it is. You have to protect your feelings and if she's that upset, she knows where you live. She could come by your place and find out what the deal is. But, I have a feeling that she won't. But, if I'm wrong! (which rarely happens! ) Then, you just need to tell her that you can't be friends with her while you still have romantic feeling for her. It just hurts too much to knowing that she's going out with other guys. If she can't understand that, then she's being selfish. 1
Author Morgan1 Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 Are you sure you're not just wanting her back now because she's moving on? Let me give you a really dumb analogy. Remember when you were little and you'd be just hanging out with other kids and one of those kids picked up your toy that you weren't even playing with and suddenly you're like, "Hey, wait, I remember that toy. It's a great toy and I like playing with it. That is mine give it back to me, you dumb kid." This is a dumb analogy because people are obviously not toys. But you get what I mean. We take things for granted and when it looks like we might lose them we start doing damage control. And sometimes that's really not fair to others. Maybe it's like that. I started having these feelings a long time ago. I only recently(last week) found out that she had started dating. So I am confident that this is what I want. However, like so many of you have said, it is over. I have been thinking about this alot(maybe too much) and I have put myself out there and she did not reciprocate. Its hard, but i am going to try to just put it in the past and move on. I think that you have it right Chi townD. We cannot be friends because it messes with me so much. I feel like every time we hung out I took a step backwards while she was just fine. It makes me sad that its over but in reality it was my fault. I guess ill just try not to let my insecurities get in the way next time.
Author Morgan1 Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 (edited) Again, Thank you all very much for all of your input on the matter. This has really helped me see things clearly. Also, I am pretty sure i know what this means but I just want some feedback. She had asked to go on a weekend trip with me about 2 weeks ago. This was right about the time that I found out she was dating other guys so I told her that I didnt think it was a good idea. She had planned to go on the trip anyways by herself but she told me a couple of days ago that a "friend" had booked her a flight to denver. She says this guy is just a friend but this to me says she is flying out there to sleep with this guy. I could tell she was hiding something. I probably dont want to know the answer because I am pretty sure I am right. She insisted that she is just friends with this guy and and I have always been able to trust her. Again, all of this points towards the relationship being over. I guess i just dont want to admit it. Edited March 12, 2013 by Morgan1
CC12 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Again, all of this points towards the relationship being over. The relationship was over when you broke up with her 9 months ago. You're not in a relationship, it's a friendship. Actually, it's not even a real friendship because you've had feelings for her for a long time, as you said, and you did nothing about them because...I don't know why. She says this guy is just a friend but this to me says she is flying out there to sleep with this guy. That seems like a strange conclusion to reach, but I'm going to assume that you have some sort of information that points to this, rather than you just being paranoid and getting carried away. But okay, yeah, she may be flying out there to sleep with that guy. She can do that. She's single. It is none of your business whether or not she sleeps with a guy. And this is why you shouldn't try to be "friends" with her anymore. Also, it seems like it's really done. And if it's not done, not burnt to a crisp yet, then it should be. This is not healthy for you.
Author Morgan1 Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 I think that I am being paranoid. The reason is that she must have met this guy recently because she never knew anyone in Denver. Also, he bought her a flight out there and that usually doesn't happen with innocent intentions. I am trying to not think about this too much and everytime I look back at what I have said on here I realize that I kind of look like an *******. I just can't get these thoughts out of my head. I find myself thinking about her constantly and it has been keeping me up at night. I know what she does is none of my business anymore. I just wish I could forget all of this and move on.
Chi townD Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 This is why we say NO CONTACT! You still have feelings for her and NOW you know she's going to Denver, you know what weekend she'll be there and you're going to drive yourself nuts that weekend thinking about her and knowing that she's there screwing some other guy. If you stayed no contact you would have never known. Ignorance is bliss.
Author Morgan1 Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 Well it has been one more day with no contact. It has been so hard fighting the urge to call or text her. See text me today with a funny little picture and I never text her back. I feel like such an ******* but I know its for the best. She doesnt give a **** about how much I am torn up inside by her actions. She is over me and i just have to face it. It seems like with every night that I dont talk to her i think about her even more. I wake up during the night and can fall back asleep because she is on my mind. I hope this gets better. It has been 9 months and i cant believe i am not over this. I feel stupid saying that but its true. From here on out its strict no contact. ignorance is bliss
puzzled1 Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Hope you feel better man. I know how much it sucks to not being able to sleep and constantly thinking about a person
lavenderlove Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Ok, your girl is just about to disappear from you life. Option A: You give up on her, stop contacting her and let her go. Option B: You freak out, race out and buy the massivest bunch of flowers you can afford, send them over, so they arrive by the time you have the ring. Sadly however, you are wandering what you should do. What does that prove?
Chi townD Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 I think that I am being paranoid. The reason is that she must have met this guy recently because she never knew anyone in Denver. Also, he bought her a flight out there and that usually doesn't happen with innocent intentions. I am trying to not think about this too much and everytime I look back at what I have said on here I realize that I kind of look like an *******. I just can't get these thoughts out of my head. I find myself thinking about her constantly and it has been keeping me up at night. I know what she does is none of my business anymore. I just wish I could forget all of this and move on. Yep! You called it. When was the last time you paid for all expenses for a friend that happens to be a girl to come see you? Your answer is probably never. It just doesn't happen. This guy bought the tickets because he knows he's going to get rewarded for his generosity.
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