whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 You tell me to move on... but to where? I moved on many times...and it gets me nowhere... I was alone all my life...when should I stop looking? I am tired of looking for "someone better"? Maybe I should just give up right now? What if there is no one better for me? There is plenty of single men around me - nice, handsome, good men but i am not interested in them... Twice now you have involved yourself with men who already have someone else. Why aren't you interested in single men? What is it that attracts you to someone unavailable? It's setting yourself up for a fall right from the beginning and A's are full a certain dynamic and drama..Unless that's what you enjoy? That intensity and roller coaster ride to make you feel alive? This is why I suggested you seeking counseling. Picking these type of men is hurting you, you know this yet you still go a head and choose this path. You are accountable for your own life, make the changes necessary so you can live a happier and healthier one. Are you truly happy and proud of where you are now when it comes to this taken man?
ThatJustHappened Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I write I know for sure because I expected this reaction. And yes, I know it...from him (sure he can lie) but also from her and their son who sleeps with his father...and i dont know any reason why whould she lie to me about that... He knows about my past...I know she will not give up on him so easily but for some reason he thinks or maybe hopes she will... His 4 year old son talks to you about his parents' sex life?!? 2
Author Belissa Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 I'm currently dating and meeting interesting guys, but I haven't gotten over him yet. But I'm trying. I wish you can do it one day. I know how hard it is. I couldnt get over a man for almost 6 years and I know he still loves me. This new man helps me move on but unfortunatelly I fell in another love trap. I know I must get away from him but it is so hard not only because I love him but because he saved my life...he helped me to stand on my own feet again, he gave me confidence and helped me to start completely new life...and he is there whenever i need him to support me to live this life... I have never such a support in my life...i feel secure and happy now... It is all thanks to him...but everything comes with a price... To get him out of my life means to leave the life I have just created for myself and that makes me happy......
Author Belissa Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 His 4 year old son talks to you about his parents' sex life?!? He speaks about many things...he is quite aware that something is wrong between his parents. And he says frankly what he thinks to anybody at that age. For example: He says to his father in front of me that he should marry me because i dont shout at him like his mom do.
Lillyfree Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 all the improvements in your life are due to YOU, not anyone else. sure, he may have caused you to make changes because him becoming a part of your life was a change in itself - but he was not the cause for it getting better. that was ALL YOU.
Lillyfree Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 He speaks about many things...he is quite aware that something is wrong between his parents. And he says frankly what he thinks to anybody at that age. For example: He says to his father in front of me that he should marry me because i dont shout at him like his mom do. this is very, very wrong. no matter what the relationship between his parents is like, it's very unfair for MM to be bringing the child around to your house and exposing him to the affair. i'm sorry - but this should be something that shows you what sort of person your MM is and how much he actually cares about his children. 4
awkward Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Honestly, if you want to have an affair with him then do so. You are a big girl and can handle the consequences. My advice is to leave his kids out of it. Don't talk to them, make cookies for them, babysit them, or buy them toys. They don't deserve what you and their daddy is doing. Also, am wondering if mommy told you that she was bedsharing with the new LO and that is why daddy sleeps with the other LO in a different bed. Perhaps it is a temporary arrangement. And new parents often have sex everywhere and anywhere they can and often not in their bed since LO's are in it at times.
ThatJustHappened Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 He speaks about many things...he is quite aware that something is wrong between his parents. And he says frankly what he thinks to anybody at that age. For example: He says to his father in front of me that he should marry me because i dont shout at him like his mom do. This is disgusting and disturbing. You and his father are doing irreparable damage to this poor child. 2
wisernow Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 This is disgusting and disturbing. You and his father are doing irreparable damage to this poor child. This child is 4. Really? That truly is disturbing. Why not just get a magic eight ball. 1
beach Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 You only know what he tells you - or rather - what lies he tells you. 1
Lillyfree Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I agree with this. :sick:Her children should not be in your presence...what kind of parent does this to their children? AS a fBS...if there was one thing that would make me come after an AP with the fury of hell is it finding out my children where in the presence of the AP and that person doing things for them while gleaning info and grooming them to side with them. It happened to me and it wasn't pretty when I figured it out. if i found out that my husband cheated on me, it would hurt but i would get over it after a while. however, if i found out that my child wanted the other nice lady to be mum, it would tear my heart into pieces and i would never heal from it. OP, what was MM's reaction when his son said he wanted him to marry you? 1
Lillyfree Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Hello everyone, I need your advice... I am the other woman. I am in love with a man who is in relationship with his girlfriend for ten years now. They have two children (4 & 1) but they are not married. They live together in the house he built himself and he will be paying for it for next ten years. She is at home with children and support family from her maternity leave. He doesnt love her ( from all I know) but he take care of her and is nice to her and really loves his children. We have "relationship" for nearly a year now, including great chemistry and understanding. He visits me or we meet at our neighbors house few times a week. He helps me repair our family house and do all hard chores. I cook for him and we spend time eating, talking, laughing, drinking coffee together or just sharing what's new. We exchange some small presents when there is some occassion and support each other. He is here for me nearly all the time I need him. His older son loves me and I love him. They sometimes visit me on weekends and we spend time together. He loves that and make plans for the future trips we will take with his son. He says that in the same minute she dumps him, he want me to come to live with him. He says if he is not in this relationship, he would marry me immediatelly. He says he feel great with me, he feels really at home in our house. I know he wants me but he doesn't want to cheat on her. We touch each other all time but not more. We share interests and feel happy and safe together. However, there is the other side of that. My family doesn't really approve. They like him but they don't approve his behaviour. He can't or doesn't really try to hide his feeling towards me in front of other people. I feel frustrated because of the arguments I have with my family, because I want him to be with me all time and because I feel bad about the situation and his girlfriend. She knows about me but she trust him because he has not cheated on her before. I want him ( sex, life with him, everything) but I don't want to destroy his life. Please, help me. What should I do? Leave him alone ( i am not sure if he let me)? Is there a chance that he will leave her? Or I am just one of thousands naive girls? I've decided ... I want him despite all the troubles, I want to take care of him and his sons, love him and live with him... But only when he will be free...I can wait some time...but I need to know if it is possible that he will leave her...It's getting harder and harder every day...my family is more and more angry, his girlfriend surely too, we get used to each other more and more and we get attracted to each other more and more... I am affraid that it will end badly soon. Please, what's your opinion? i went back to your original post - initially i just commented on the MM's attitude regarding bringing his child around, but considering the bolded it looks like yours isn't much healthier. OP, that child already HAS a mother. you will never EVER be his mother, you will be daddy's new gf/wife. oh and you aren't 'so close to cheating'. you ARE cheating, and not only that - you are planning to take over that woman's whole life, her children included. there's something seriously wrong with your way of thinking. 1
stevie_23 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 (edited) I’m confused about the fact the OP says her MM says the minute his wife dumps him, he wants her to move in with him. If he wants to be with the OW so much, why doesn’t he leave his wife? Why wait for her to dump him so he can then be with the OW? I’m confused. AND I'm confused by him saying he doesn't want to cheat on his wife. So...his options then would be to either cheat (which he's already doing if he's touching the OW and making plans to be with her and marry her and his kids are involved), leave his marriage himself so he can be with her, or end this pre-affair now. Edited March 11, 2013 by stevie_23 2
Lillyfree Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I’m confused about the fact the OP says her MM says the minute his wife dumps him, he wants her to move in with him. If he wants to be with the OW so much, why doesn’t he leave his wife? Why wait for her to dump him so he can then be with the OW? I’m confused. AND I'm confused by him saying he doesn't want to cheat on his wife. So...his options then would be to either cheat (which he's already doing if he's touching the OW and making plans to be with her and marry her and his kids are involved), leave his marriage himself so he can be with her, or end this pre-affair now. looks like MM's already playing house and is bringing the older kid around for... what? to test the OP's abilities to be the new mum? it's almost like he's slowly setting things up to leave. and the OP is lapping it up, she sees all of it as a positive thing - but that guy seems like not a very nice person. what he's doing is so unfair to his spouse. i know that if i were in the SO's shoes and found out my H was out playing house (minor) and parents with my child (major, major wrong)... i'd be going for the throat.
Author Belissa Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 i went back to your original post - initially i just commented on the MM's attitude regarding bringing his child around, but considering the bolded it looks like yours isn't much healthier. OP, that child already HAS a mother. you will never EVER be his mother, you will be daddy's new gf/wife. oh and you aren't 'so close to cheating'. you ARE cheating, and not only that - you are planning to take over that woman's whole life, her children included. there's something seriously wrong with your way of thinking. I just wanted to say by that... I am prepared to take care of them if necessary...i dont have children yet and to have two children to take care of even partially is not easy for me... You all dont understand one thing... i dont want to be mother for his children... And i will never be... I just wish I would have a good relationship with them ( if we will be together) Well, if you think so... Than yes, I am cheating... But I dont want to take over anybody's life...i didnt choose this... I tried to be "moral" for almost 8 months... He did everything to make me happy and get my attention...and i dont mean stupid things like flowers and chocolates... He helped me repair our house and he helped me with all hard chores in the house, he got everything I need...many times I insisted that he should stop helping me but he come anyway...and he didnt get anything else than smile and thank you from me...i am sorry if you think I am immoral but after so long time I just became weak and I stopped pushing him away...
Author Belissa Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 looks like MM's already playing house and is bringing the older kid around for... what? to test the OP's abilities to be the new mum? it's almost like he's slowly setting things up to leave. and the OP is lapping it up, she sees all of it as a positive thing - but that guy seems like not a very nice person. what he's doing is so unfair to his spouse. i know that if i were in the SO's shoes and found out my H was out playing house (minor) and parents with my child (major, major wrong)... i'd be going for the throat. I consider it wrong too and I told him soo. He insisted that she doesnt care. I dont get it how she cannot care about this. I even consider the possibility that she want to spy on him this way. But i dont really know.however, I think if she has problem with that she will not allow him to come with the kid or she will come to tell me that personally. She know me and know where I live. And she is not a "shy" person. If she tell me she doesnt like, i would never let him come with the boy.
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 No you DID choose this. Own it. Sorry that my posts to you are harsh, I wouldn't be replying to you if I didn't care.. You got to see just how inappropriate your relationship/affair is with him. You two are making a total fool of his wife and their children too! All pretending there's nothing going on, it's sweet and innocent, but it's not at all. You've befriended someone with intentions of wanting him for yourself one day. You've befriended his live in girlfriend, mother of his kids on some level so she would be OK with you two spending so much time together. RIGHT under her nose. It's just plain wrong. How long can this go on? years? 2
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I consider it wrong too and I told him soo. He insisted that she doesnt care. I dont get it how she cannot care about this. I even consider the possibility that she want to spy on him this way. But i dont really know.however, I think if she has problem with that she will not allow him to come with the kid or she will come to tell me that personally. She know me and know where I live. And she is not a "shy" person. If she tell me she doesnt like, i would never let him come with the boy. Then call him on it and talk to her! HE is LYING to her and to you as well. It's sad you can't see this. She trusts you okay? And him. That's why she isn't interferring. I'm sure she has NO idea what is going on. If she did, she would NOT allow you anywhere near her children. 1
Author Belissa Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 Then call him on it and talk to her! HE is LYING to her and to you as well. It's sad you can't see this. She trusts you okay? And him. That's why she isn't interferring. I'm sure she has NO idea what is going on. If she did, she would NOT allow you anywhere near her children. I am pretty sure she doesnt trust me and i dont expect her to. She doesnt know me that well. Yes, she trust him because... i quote her " he hasnt cheated on her yet". That is from the discussion they had about me in front of my neighbours.
Author Belissa Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 I’m confused about the fact the OP says her MM says the minute his wife dumps him, he wants her to move in with him. If he wants to be with the OW so much, why doesn’t he leave his wife? Why wait for her to dump him so he can then be with the OW? I’m confused. AND I'm confused by him saying he doesn't want to cheat on his wife. So...his options then would be to either cheat (which he's already doing if he's touching the OW and making plans to be with her and marry her and his kids are involved), leave his marriage himself so he can be with her, or end this pre-affair now. I believe he just doesnt want to be a bad guy ( I dont really want to get into discussion if he already is or not), he doesnt want to hurt her. However, I am sure is doing so anyway by telling her if you want to go, you are free to leave. Basically, he is saying to her I am unhappy with you but I will support you and children as long as it takes. And i know it is so wrong. Although I love him, he is not a saint and he makes a lot of mistakes as we all do. It just not fair to her as well as to me. He is shifting his responsibilty... He wants her to make a decision to leave. I dont know maybe because of children... To tell them later...i didnt leave your mom, she left me. i think he hopes she will leave him but she would must be crazy to do so. I dont know if she still loves him or not but from the practical point of view...children, he works to support his family financially, she doesnt work, she lives in his house, he does all the chores in the house...there is no way she will leave him willingly. I will not allow him to "really" cheat on her with me... If it gets more out of hand, I will end this immediately...
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 How is she to know her relationship is at risk if he doesn't say a word and isn't talking to her??!! She isn't a mind reader! HE HAS to communicate what he feels with her, that is, if what he is telling you is true. For all you know, he could be fine with things at home and he's just looking to have two women to meet all his needs, have an A with you and keep living with her and keep his family together. Bottom line is, if someone is unhappy and wants out of their marriage, they just DO IT, even if children are involved. You're way too focused on him, his kids, their life. What about YOU and your life, your friends, your job, neighbours, co workers etc..etc.. Everything seems to be all about him. Try putting yourself first and less focus on him. 1
georgia girl Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Belissa, You asked me what you should do. Should you move? Just give up on finding love? The easy answer is to put yourself first. Self-love is incredibly important when you begin dating. It forces you to set standards for how you want to be treated and allow you to walk away when someone doesn't meet the standards. In my view, you're in a cycle of self-destruction right now because you are putting what you want with this particular man ahead of all things. So, you ignore the part where he won't choose you - exclusively - and instead, you risk all of the drama, heartache and real chance of failure of your relationship. And then, as you have noted, you'll be right back where you were before: in love with a committed man who walks away and leave you. Take a step back. Put yourself first and only date men who will put you first. Date the guy who opens the door for you. The guy who will come and jump your car when you left the parking lights on while at the mall and didn't discover it until after Monday Night Football was already on TV. Date the guy who doesn't lie to others about you, who you can call freely and who is willing to take the chance on you that you are him. If you can't - or choose not to - make the healthy choice of someone who is willing to offer you the same deal that you're offering him, then no one can help you. If you can make that choice, you will avoid all of the pain that lies ahead. He is not the ONLY one. There are other men. Good guys who have no commitment. Men who are willing and able to put you first. Find one of them. They're worth waiting for. I promise. 1
Author Belissa Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 if i found out that my husband cheated on me, it would hurt but i would get over it after a while. however, if i found out that my child wanted the other nice lady to be mum, it would tear my heart into pieces and i would never heal from it. OP, what was MM's reaction when his son said he wanted him to marry you? I agree with you on that. That is why I didnt want to get his child involved from the beginning. However, i doesnt believe he wants me to be his mum, he just sees me as a nice "aunt". We were all shocked, it came ot of the blue. He smiled but I'd changed the topic immediately. I dont really get how he gets this idea because we never talk or do anything what would make him think we are more than friends with his dad.
Author Belissa Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 Belissa, You asked me what you should do. Should you move? Just give up on finding love? The easy answer is to put yourself first. Self-love is incredibly important when you begin dating. It forces you to set standards for how you want to be treated and allow you to walk away when someone doesn't meet the standards. In my view, you're in a cycle of self-destruction right now because you are putting what you want with this particular man ahead of all things. So, you ignore the part where he won't choose you - exclusively - and instead, you risk all of the drama, heartache and real chance of failure of your relationship. And then, as you have noted, you'll be right back where you were before: in love with a committed man who walks away and leave you. Take a step back. Put yourself first and only date men who will put you first. Date the guy who opens the door for you. The guy who will come and jump your car when you left the parking lights on while at the mall and didn't discover it until after Monday Night Football was already on TV. Date the guy who doesn't lie to others about you, who you can call freely and who is willing to take the chance on you that you are him. If you can't - or choose not to - make the healthy choice of someone who is willing to offer you the same deal that you're offering him, then no one can help you. If you can make that choice, you will avoid all of the pain that lies ahead. He is not the ONLY one. There are other men. Good guys who have no commitment. Men who are willing and able to put you first. Find one of them. They're worth waiting for. I promise. Maybe I am just damaged... I couldnt commit to any single guy in my life... I always run away from them because I know I would never love them...i fell in love only with men with whom I cannot be... maybe is something terribly wrong with me...
georgia girl Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 No. Nothing is wrong with you. But you are making a choice and you can't act like you are a victim of your own choices. Choose well. To be very honest with you, I think you are making up excuses about why you should do this and why this guy is the one for you. Just remember: you get to choose. And once you do choose, the only one who owns the consequences is you. I know this is tough love but it's time to "woman up." You're not a victim of love. You are a good person and you deserve more. Your choice. 2
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