BrokenPrincess Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 Maybe I am completely missing something here (very possible ), but why is everyone so adamant that the OW/OM shouldn't tell the BS about the A if they're doing it out of anger or revenge? Is it because the delivery might be too spiteful? Or to protect the OW/OM from not getting any real resolution out if it? Which barely even makes sense but I can't think of anything else. Please explain. As long as the BS is getting the truth, why does it matter if its coming from a place of anger/revenge/ulterior motives instead of empathy/regret/seeking forgiveness?
Decorative Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 Maybe I am completely missing something here (very possible ), but why is everyone so adamant that the OW/OM shouldn't tell the BS about the A if they're doing it out of anger or revenge? Is it because the delivery might be too spiteful? Or to protect the OW/OM from not getting any real resolution out if it? Which barely even makes sense but I can't think of anything else. Please explain. As long as the BS is getting the truth, why does it matter if its coming from a place of anger/revenge/ulterior motives instead of empathy/regret/seeking forgiveness? I have no idea. I have never understood that. I look forward to hearing why. 3
loredo21 Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 Perhaps in the idea that telling out of anger or revenge could prevent OW own healing? As if she didn't have enough regret, guilt, and remorse (hopefully) that would be just another setback. Also, the BS does not deserve the brunt of the OW's anger and revenge. Yes it would be thoughtful for OW to let the BS know but in a respectful manner is what I think is important. 4
BetrayedH Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 From a BS perspective, we overwhelmingly want to know the truth, regardless of the source or their motivation. That said, I think it helps immensely if an OW exposes to a BS from a position of remorse rather than revenge. It helps the BS and the OW. Conversely, keeping the affair hidden usually only benefits the MM (to whom the OW oddly feels some sense of loyalty even when they've been unceremoniously dumped). I might advise an OW to take a little time to get into the right mindset for the conversation or to work on how to frame an apology, but I would always advise exposure. The BS deserves to make an informed decision. The bigger concern I usually have is the excuse that the BS "doesn't want to know." That one is just patently false nearly 100% of the time, if you go by what BSs have to say about it. But, I acknowledge it's not specific to the OP; it's just another very frustrating rationalization not to expose.
2sure Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 I think it is important That the BS get the truth , because without it there is no way to go forward. No way to fix problems or make life decisions. No reality. It's an awful place to be...to know something is wrong, but not what. How a BS gets the truth....there is no easy way. So any way will do. If OP wants to tell, for any selfish motive...the result is still the same. Everyone is on the same page. 2
skylarblue Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 (edited) Overall it hasn't appeared that way to me, everyone so adamant that the OW/OM shouldn't tell the BS about the A if they're doing it out of anger or revenge? To me, it seems most/all BSs say they want to know the truth regardless of what the motives are, the majority of current OW advise not to tell, and former OW are split between telling regardless of motive and telling depending on motive. Personally, I'm in the last category. It's not out of spite or any malicious intentions towards the W or has anything to do with her right to know. I just think telling out of anger or revenge is a immature and cruddy thing to do. It just seems wrong to me particularly when the OW had no concern during the A. Sorry, but anything done with malicious intent rings wrong to me (not saying telling her IS wrong and I have no debate with telling her with genuine intentions). Despite the fact that I could be vengeful at times, that is a circumstance that I don't believe I'd be able to bring myself to. My only exception to that is when the OW was lied to in believing he was single or separated. Edited March 10, 2013 by skylarblue 1
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 As long as the BS is getting the truth, why does it matter if its coming from a place of anger/revenge/ulterior motives instead of empathy/regret/seeking forgiveness? if someone is malcious and doesn't care about inflicting pain with bad intentions, hey - do it. Face yourself (general you) in the mirror and have a good nights sleep. depends on the person. MOST feel absolutely awful afterwards and regret telling out revenge/anger/cruelness. MOST feel relieved after telling for the right reasons - Realizing the A was wrong and the BS has the right to know.
waterwoman Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I guess motive doesn't. but method does. Why add insult to injury by being cruel or hurtful in telling the news? 1
jnel921 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 The OW in my case was a complete jerk and only said things to hurt me further. I only cared about the intent of the conversation. Seriously, I asked her what was her Frickin point? What was she trying to accomplish by telling me certain things and what did she want from my H. she could not answer anything clearly. She sounded like a complete mental patient to me. She allowed herself to be used by several men and I guess she believed maybe one of them wanted her including my H. But he didn't. She said she wanted me to hurt as much as she did. Whatever that means. She is a sad person. A true mental patient. 1
nofool4u Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Maybe I am completely missing something here (very possible ), but why is everyone so adamant that the OW/OM shouldn't tell the BS about the A if they're doing it out of anger or revenge? I don't care what the reason, the BS deserves to know. Now I will say that the OW/OM doing it out of revenge shows and even lower level of character, but hey...whatever gets the BS the info they deserve. Now if the OW/OM does tell out of being scorned, just as long as they do it in a respectful way and not done in a way to thumb their nose at the BS. Again, however despicable the reason for telling, as long as the BS gets the information they deserve, so be it. And after the BS knows, unless the BS asks for more, then the OW/OM needs to leave them alone at that point. Give the information, then step away. 2
underwater2010 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Maybe I am completely missing something here (very possible ), but why is everyone so adamant that the OW/OM shouldn't tell the BS about the A if they're doing it out of anger or revenge? I am all for exposure. I would rather be enlightened than live in the dark. Is it because the delivery might be too spiteful? Or to protect the OW/OM from not getting any real resolution out if it? Which barely even makes sense but I can't think of anything else. Please explain. As long as the BS is getting the truth, why does it matter if its coming from a place of anger/revenge/ulterior motives instead of empathy/regret/seeking forgiveness? Don't care which....just be prepared for the the affair to end on way or another. I would rather it be from an apology, but any truth is better than none at all. 2
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