Finally going through with the Divorce

[Untouchable_Fire]

More or less.

I'm doing the only thing I know how to do, in very stressfull situations, Adapt.

I cannot live in the house with her going NC, I know she's two floors above me. At least with both of us 'playing house' together, we can comfort eachother, even if it just for a short time frame.

She is my wife until we are not living together and the paperwork clearly states it, until that time, she will be awared the respect and love that comes with that title. Since the reality of our divorce, she's been giving me the respect and love that I deserve as her husband.

Sadly, it's too little too late. But we both know this.

I'm not sure how to handle a divorce, as I hope it is my one and only. Some people have told me to kick her out, others that I need to leave immediately. Others have said just do what feels right for both of you.

Right now, being together and supporting eachother feels right. She knows she is going to have to live without me, and she's in a panic. For now, she can keep me but knowing that we're going to be letting go soon enough.

 

While some people are advising you to take a hard ass approach... I support your choice to do this nicely. I think this will help provide you some closure, and may prevent a bitter divorce.

 

However, you need to get it into your head that she doesn't love you... perhaps never did. When she cries... it isn't for missing you... it's because she is losing her lifestyle and the dreams she built. You are not worth much more than a good friend. So don't be delusional about her feelings for you... and the fact that she just emotionally abused you about as bad as if you had punched her in the face for a few years.

 

Don't let her take advantage of you during the divorce process. Negotiate for what you want. Move out at the earliest available opportunity.

[SmokeRat]

I understand her love for me is nothing more than that of a very good friend, I accept this as it is reality.

 

She is devastated by the reality that her poor choices are going to cost her the lifestyle she is used to having, the man who loved her unconditionally and as well, the social stigma of her divorce and the details about it. Eventually, people are going to notice her finger is ringless and questions will be asked by those that do not already know. She can lie about it I'm sure, but eventually people will find out the truth.

 

I just want an amicable divorce, and to get what is mine. We've already started making a list of items that each of us will get. Mostly for me, just the furniture and things like that. I didn't bring much into the house when we moved in besides what my parents gave to us.

 

She just wants her trinkets and all the wedding photos/items so she can keep them safe. I've no idea why she would want to keep things that remind her of her lie, but whatever works for her.

[SmokeRat]

I'm sure there are support groups, but I have that with the people I work with. They are the closest thing to my family, as my parents reside in Panama year round.

 

It helps to post on LS, because I can at least vent and people will read and reply if they wish.

 

To be honest, I'm slightly excited to be back on the market and test the waters again.

 

It probably sounds incredibly vain, and if so my apologies, but it might be nice to have a woman appreciate the body I've been working on for the last 8 months so that I can excell in the fire training I'll be attending soon.

 

As for additional support, I can always call my parents or talk to my wife's mother, as she always listens. And I still have my wife, who is helping where she can and I helping her where I can.

 

I predict, a clean divorce with a limited amount of bullcrap. I believe the worst of it will be the emotions and her fears. She's scared poopless by what is going on right now, she admitted as much when we went to bed last night. All she could think is how she'll take care of herself, and the dog. Where she'll live and how she'll afford things. I didn't berate her, all I did was cuddle her and say that we'll work through this together, I do not hate you, I still love you but this is the way it has to be.

 

She just spent the next 30 minutes crying herself to sleep while I kept her warm. Despite everything she has put me through, I cannot hate her. This is the closure that I needed, so I've let nearly all my anger towards her go as well. I just see a broken and scared woman, and call it White Knight Syndrom, but I'll be there to protect and care for her until the end of all this.

[Cali408]

Brother, to thine self be true. it will be tough for a while, but you'll be better off in the long run. Hang in there and just be the great person you are capable of.

[SmokeRat]

And I am trying to be true to myself, that much I know.

 

Not only am I losing out on having a wife that I love, but I'm also losing her family whom I love just about as much. They have been such a positive force in my life, and helped support me during this entire thing.

 

My friends/co-workers are really pushing for me to get my feet back in the water, not in the means of a relationship, but as a means to go out and have a little 'fun'. They shake their heads knowing that it has been months upon months since I've had said 'fun'.

 

Again they are just trying to do the best they can with all this as well.

[SmokeRat]

Appreciate the concern from all those that posted.

 

I've always been one to bounce back from relationships when they go south. This is obviously different because I invested so much of myself into my marriage and the fact that I am in love with my wife.

 

However, I have recently (as in today) perused some of those fandangled Online Dating Websites, just to see who is out there in my area.

 

Is it normal that I feel disgusting and filthy? Just by even looking around I feel like it's a betrayal of my marriage. However illogical that may seem, it's how I feel.

 

I know my dating life is a long ways away from this, but how do I even get back to that point?

 

Oh hey, great to meet you! By the way I'm seperated in the process of divorcing. Awesome.

[whichwayisup]

I understand her love for me is nothing more than that of a very good friend, I accept this as it is reality.

 

She is devastated by the reality that her poor choices are going to cost her the lifestyle she is used to having, the man who loved her unconditionally and as well, the social stigma of her divorce and the details about it. Eventually, people are going to notice her finger is ringless and questions will be asked by those that do not already know. She can lie about it I'm sure, but eventually people will find out the truth.

 

I just want an amicable divorce, and to get what is mine. We've already started making a list of items that each of us will get. Mostly for me, just the furniture and things like that. I didn't bring much into the house when we moved in besides what my parents gave to us.

 

She just wants her trinkets and all the wedding photos/items so she can keep them safe. I've no idea why she would want to keep things that remind her of her lie, but whatever works for her.

 

Really hope she doesn't expect alimony from you for years to come. Let's hope her respect for you and care as a 'friend' rings true here. Don't want to hear in a few months that she's done a 180 and wants to keep her lifestyle and take you for a ride money wise. Sorry to be negative nellie here, just something to consider.

 

PS Stay off dating sites or even meeting new women until you're officially divorced. You're not ready.

[SmokeRat]

I've booked a Marriage Mediator for the Friday of this week. My wife and I have already sat down and detailed our goals with the seperation and whatnot.

 

Neither one of us wants to drag this out or make it messy. The house is being listed shortly, we've already opened a Kijiji Account for selling a bunch of stuff that we just do not want anymore (which may hopefully pay for the Mediator).

 

I truely believe she just wants this to end, so she can be with herself. I know it may be hard to believe, but there just doesn't seem to be any bad blood between us at this point. Maybe we're just so tired of all the drama, that we just do not have it in us anymore.

[Darth Vader]

Decided last night that a divorce was the best thing for both of us.

 

My STBXW admitted last night that she was never 'in love' with me, just in love with the idea of a marriage and all that it brought.

 

We are going to continue to live together, I'm moving all my things into the basement, and she can stay upstairs.

 

We will live together until the house is sold, then hopefully if we turn a profit, I can move out and find my own place. So hopefully I can find a decently priced place closer to work to cut down on the fuel costs.

 

Not even sure how to handle this situation, going to work this week is going to be worse than probably anything I've experienced before.

 

Well, a lot of you called this, so the winnings go to you.

 

We don't want any "winnings" We just want YOU to be happy!

[Darth Vader]

Originally Posted by SmokeRat

I've seen horrible things while on the job. Things people shouldn't have to see, but comes with the territory.

 

Those things never broke me, and this does. So weird.

That's because you've been trained to handle that kind of stuff and also you know how to separate it and detach from it so you can survive and not crack up.

 

Matters of the heart? A whole different story. You've invested A LOT into your wife, into your marriage. It hurts! The life you built and the future you've wanted with her has gone south. It isn't easy at all.

 

Rely on your brothers and sisters at your fire hall to help and support you, as well as your blood family and friends.

 

Plus, those things weren't so close to home as your wife's infidelity! In the back of your mind, you could always say, "it's not me who's going through the loss, or anyone else I know" no matter how tragic it was. Then it's like leaving the office, you say, it's just at the office, not in my home!

 

Your wife's cheating situation was much different, as it was in your home!

[stevie_23]

I don't know what to do.

 

She's been all I've known for three years, and we still live in the same house. We're going to use a mediator since we've been amicable with what goes with whom and so forth.

 

We just laid on the couch together and cried. First time in a long time I've done that.

 

It's hollow in this house, and I do not like it.

 

She's making dinner at the moment for us and I just finished folding laundry and pressing our shirt for work. We both do not know where to go from here, so we figured just go through the motions of living together and hopefully routine will just take us until the end.

 

Wow. This is such a hard time, but you’re doing it because you know that it’s for the best for both of you…

 

You seem to be fairly close as people, even if you’re not the happiest or the best for each other now in a relationship. I think it’s a GOOD thing that you both cried together on the couch, letting it out. That is good.

 

I know it feels odd, like you’re just going through the formerly normal motions now, making dinner, going to work, ironing shirts, etc…but if you can try to remember WHY you have both come to this decision…and try also if possible to support each other through this…you’re both working towards a better, happier life.

[stevie_23]

And I am trying to be true to myself, that much I know.

 

Not only am I losing out on having a wife that I love, but I'm also losing her family whom I love just about as much. They have been such a positive force in my life, and helped support me during this entire thing.

 

My friends/co-workers are really pushing for me to get my feet back in the water, not in the means of a relationship, but as a means to go out and have a little 'fun'. They shake their heads knowing that it has been months upon months since I've had said 'fun'.

 

Again they are just trying to do the best they can with all this as well.

 

Do you automatically have to lose your wife's family as your extended family too??

[SmokeRat]

My wife's family has no interest in contact with me during this period.

 

Her mother will contact me here or there and see if I'm doing well, but beyond that silence. Her two sisters helped cover up the affair for her, and see me as a reason she had the affair, so they are out.

 

Her father is a bit of a mixed bag of goods, so we'll see how that works out.

 

As for our mutual friends, they have all gone to her side since they are teachers as well, and they protect their own regardless of what they do. It's the same thing the Department would do if I pulled what she did, except I'd get physical kicked around and berated everyother day for being a dumb a$$. Apparently the Teachers Union doesn't allow corporal punishment within it's establishment =p.

 

I have my support within the Dept, and my family over in Panama, hopefully after the divorce is finally I'll have enough money left over to fly to Anton in Panama and see my parents for a bit.

 

It was hard to go through the motions last night, but it's just something we have to do. She was crying a lot last night because we've already started to clean out the house and certain rooms are very empty. She also missed her rings so much, I let her put them back on until all things are final.

 

I woke up around 2am last night and found her on the couch going through our wedding album, and when she saw me she just broke down and kept saying she was sorry and she's a horrible person.

 

It broke my heart, maybe it shouldn't, but it did.