SmokeRat Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 Decided last night that a divorce was the best thing for both of us. My STBXW admitted last night that she was never 'in love' with me, just in love with the idea of a marriage and all that it brought. We are going to continue to live together, I'm moving all my things into the basement, and she can stay upstairs. We will live together until the house is sold, then hopefully if we turn a profit, I can move out and find my own place. So hopefully I can find a decently priced place closer to work to cut down on the fuel costs. Not even sure how to handle this situation, going to work this week is going to be worse than probably anything I've experienced before. Well, a lot of you called this, so the winnings go to you.
loredo21 Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 Sorry to hear. I wish you much peace on your journey! 1
BetrayedH Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 Honestly, dude, thank goodness. There's only so many shi t sandwiches you can choke down. She's wasn't sufficiently remorseful. And it turns out those shi t sandwiches taste like shi t. 7
Author SmokeRat Posted March 10, 2013 Author Posted March 10, 2013 I don't know what to do. She's been all I've known for three years, and we still live in the same house. We're going to use a mediator since we've been amicable with what goes with whom and so forth. We just laid on the couch together and cried. First time in a long time I've done that. It's hollow in this house, and I do not like it. She's making dinner at the moment for us and I just finished folding laundry and pressing our shirt for work. We both do not know where to go from here, so we figured just go through the motions of living together and hopefully routine will just take us until the end.
loredo21 Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 I think only time will tell and time will hopefully heal. H and I decided to stay under one roof after Dday and separation always in agreement that a dissolution of marriage was eminent. We started to get a long really well, spend a lot more time together, communicating about it all. And things got really good. Never thinking R was an option we just carried on and became happy again. Him deciding to give me another chance was shocking and me realizing I wanted that chance was as well. (I'm not trying to get your hopes up) I guess what I am trying to say is staying under the same roof was such a blessing for us. Even if we hadn't decided to R and even if it doesn't work out for whatever reason, this time period has opened us up to a new aspect of our relationship and find that happiness in eachother again. As much as I wish it never happened, we both say we would never have wanted to go through this with anyone else. There is a genuine liking there. And I hope you 2 can find some of that in all of this. 2
Act Two Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 I'm sorry to hear that- the sooner you can have two residences though the better. I've been sort of stuck in the same house bird's nesting custody with my STBX and it's awkward and miserable! I feel like there's no real healing because you are constantly reminded of the other person.
Author SmokeRat Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 R isn't a option as she just doesn't love me anymore. I feel like I'm losing my best friend. My career means **** after all this, whoop de f'ing do, I'm a firefighter who's divorced. Didn't see that coming at all. I'm just so sad after all the effort and time I put into the marriage and into healing from the affair. I'm going from having a home and backyard with a dog (and really nice fence I put in) to going back to a basement apartment. I just really don't know what to do. All I know if I'm sad and crying like crazy.
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I'm sorry that she's done this to you. Seems from the get go you were a great husband to her and she took advantage and became more selfish as time went on. Her loss. As painful as this is for you, the way she's treated you, lied to you, cheated on you and how she is over all, isn't nice at all. Keep busy, start detaching. Living in the same household isn't going to be easy, even if on two different floors of the house. 1
Author SmokeRat Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 I've seen horrible things while on the job. Things people shouldn't have to see, but comes with the territory. Those things never broke me, and this does. So weird.
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I've seen horrible things while on the job. Things people shouldn't have to see, but comes with the territory. Those things never broke me, and this does. So weird. That's because you've been trained to handle that kind of stuff and also you know how to separate it and detach from it so you can survive and not crack up. Matters of the heart? A whole different story. You've invested A LOT into your wife, into your marriage. It hurts! The life you built and the future you've wanted with her has gone south. It isn't easy at all. Rely on your brothers and sisters at your fire hall to help and support you, as well as your blood family and friends.
leonine Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I'm so sorry that you're going through so much pain Smoke Rat, but I can't say that I'm sorry to hear that you two came to this conclusion. Her unwillingness to openly discuss her affair and answer your questions was unacceptable. I also read a lot of resentment in your posts. Resentment that you're certainly entitled to, but perhaps not the best place to be if you're trying to reconcile. Just to be clear, I'm not blaming you or anything - your feelings are your feelings and if her affair is not something that you can get past, that's certainly understandable and valid. It's probably almost impossible to think of it this way so soon, but try and see this as an opportunity. An opportunity for you to go out and find the woman that will love you as you deserve to be loved. Someone who will appreciate you and cherish you for the rest of her life. When you find her, tell her that you'll save her from the burning building first. It's sad that this woman used you to fulfill her shallow fantasies. One other bit of advice - move out as soon as you can. Get a cheap apartment. Rent a room. Whatever. You still love her and with no hope of reconciliation, seeing her daily is just going to be pain. 2
aed Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I've seen horrible things while on the job. Things people shouldn't have to see, but comes with the territory. Those things never broke me, and this does. So weird. that is normal! If those things would break you, you wouldn't probably be a firefighter. At this moment, someone broke you. Would you be still unbroken if you saw something horrible happen, like you did in your job to someone you love? I am sorry things didn't workout. But in the longrun this will be great and you can find someone that will love you and not use you for the image of a relationship or marriage.
Author SmokeRat Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 I do not believe that I would be broken if I saw something horrible happen to someone I love in the line of duty. I would be sad, that would be certain. But, the pain I feel was inflicted with a purpose. I think that's what is hurting so badly, knowing someone I trusted so deeply just cast aside my emotions and whatnot. I'd be out of the house already, but again finances. My STBXW just got out of the hospital (again) a few days ago for a respiratory tract infection, and the doctor recommended an upscale drug that wasn't covered by my drug plan, so like the doormat I am, I paid for them. And look how that turned out. going to have work a few extra shifts now =p 1
Mr. Lucky Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I'd be out of the house already, but again finances. My STBXW just got out of the hospital (again) a few days ago for a respiratory tract infection, and the doctor recommended an upscale drug that wasn't covered by my drug plan, so like the doormat I am, I paid for them. And look how that turned out. going to have work a few extra shifts now =p I'd find a way to make it work financially because continuing to play house under those circumstances will really mess with your head. Next you'll find yourself back in her bed and then right back where you started. Failing that, I'd wall myself in the basement with a hot plate and chemical toilet . Mr. Lucky 2
Spark1111 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I've seen horrible things while on the job. Things people shouldn't have to see, but comes with the territory. Those things never broke me, and this does. So weird. Because this is personal, Smokie! it is suppose to break your heart. If it did not make you cry you'd be gdmn robot! I think you will have a wonderful future ahead of you. I think, while it does not feel so now, when you look back on this period of your life, you may actually feel relief that you two did not take the next step: having children together. That REALLY complicates things. When someone has an affair early in the marriage, that is a huge red flag that what was broke may not be fixable as someone's heart was 100 percent in it. Better to know that now than 20 years and two kids later. perhaps so much of the anger you still felt towards her had less to do with the affair than deep down, in that heart you protect with plated armor, your instincts were trying to tell you she was not as invested in you as you were in her. And, as a firefighter you have to have EXCELLENT instincts, but you did not want to tune into the ones that were trying to tell you what you already knew. I wish you peace and here's a hug. ((((((Smokie))))))) 3
jnel921 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 So sorry to hear the news. R is tough. Trying to rebuild love is hard. Has to come from a place of sincerity. She says she doesn't love you. That is tough to hear after you gave her another chance. If it were me....I wouldn't be nice anymore.
NotCamelot Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Man, I'm really sorry to hear this. I was hoping you guys would work things out. Since my own tragedy, I find these things hurt when I hear about them......never used to bother me too much, but it does now. It probably is best though. I don't think you will ever forget what you saw, no matter how hard you tried. Some mountains are too steep to climb. It's good that you two are able to maintain civilty. Though I can see how that could make things harder. For me, I can see how it could create false hope. Take time to find yourself and don't wallow in the hurt. There are better days coming. You just have to walk through the fire first. You may not realize it now, but you've been through the worst part already.
BetrayedH Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Better to know that now than 20 years and two kids later. True dat ^^^^! Brother, I can relate to the pain of being both cheated on and ultimately discarded. It sucks to have your wife/best friend betray and reject you. But eventually you will realize that this has little reflection on you. This has to do with your wife being a broken person. Saying that she "never loved you" is complete nonsense. Cheaters have to twist their brains into a pretzel trying to justify what they've done. This is part of all that twisting; she has mentally re-written your marital history. Believe it or not, one day you're going to be glad to be free of her and her nonsense. I am one of those that went thru this after 20 years and 2 kids. It's been two years since Dday now and I can tell you that your perspective will change. Because of the kids, I have to deal with my ex pretty routinely. Since we've been physically separated for over a year and divorced for almost 6 months, I have detached from her entirely. In fact, I have a GF that treats me really well. In contrast, my ex almost always finds a way to say something negative when I see her (nothing was ever enough or good enough for her). As soon as I get away from her, I just think to myself, "Thank God I'm not still with that woman anymore." She has the emotional maturity of a 5 year old and (now that I've been removed from it for a while) it's amazing to me now how much crap I tolerated in my marriage. Much like your wife, she quite frankly isn't that great of a person so I'm grateful not to be shackled to her. One day you will be grateful, too. I agree with the others that physical distance is important to help you detach. Once I had my own apartment I was much more focused on rebuilding my own life and less focused on my last one. Separate your finances and get yourself out of there as soon as you can. But most of all, remember that this isn't about you. You may feel broken but she is truly the one that IS broken. Someday you'll realize how lucky you are to be free of that toxic person. Try not to beat yourself up too badly in the meantime. In fact, you can walk away with your head held high. 2
Author SmokeRat Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 Appreciate all the feed back. I ended up just sleeping in my bed last night while she slept as well. It didn't feel like a set back and the distancing is already started. Admittely, I held her in bed and we both just cried and whatnot. It didn't bother me to be with her in that situation, as it seemed to emotionally help me as well. Once we were both in bed last night, I think it actually became a reality to my wife, that we were going to divorce. She just started crying and shaking uncontrollably, because she knew this is the way it had to happen. I've told her that until our house is sold and we're out on our own, I will continue to uphold my vows to her. I'll continue to take care of her, and love her as if we were still happily married. Call it a stupid thing to do, but I'm nothing if not a made of my word/vow. I think she's realized what she's lost (not to blow my own horn), because what other man/woman, after having a divorce and having been told that I never loved you, would stick around. All she kept saying while we were on the couch was "I've f'ed up, I've f'ed up" over and over. I can't be angry with her anymore, it's just too much of an emotional burden. Her punishment is the reality of what is happening right now, although I still hold a very large amount of resentment and ill will to the OM. Seeing her cry like that last night, it killed me a little inside. We are getting the house listed on Wednesday of this week, so as soon as I get home I'll be getting a bucket of water with some bleach and scrubbing the walls and ceilings until they shine. Until the house sells, I can at least play house, and we can support each other through this. Since the divorce became official she's done a complete 360 with her attitude (mind you, we both know we're going to divorce, there is no chance of R since her love for me isn't there). I'm happy to come home, not only to her, but to the situation as much as it hurts. It was nice laying in bed with her, and just crying and keeping eachother warm. Even knowing the eventual outcome, I think it was the first time in our relationship where we were in a good place. I know it's counter productive to be with her like that, but she's my best friend and I'm losing her, if it's wrong to want to hang onto that for a least a little bit longer, then I do not want to be right. She has made it perfectly clear that her affairs had nothing to do with me, and it's just who she is. That made me sad, because she is such a lovely person past the part of her that is broken inside. Again, this is for the best, but it doesn't make it hurt less sadly. She did make a nice dinner last night, which I ate like a fiend because I've hadn't eaten in days. Although I learned it was hard to eat and cry at the same time, so that's something to keep in the back of my mind. I will give her this much, when I do start to break down or just need to be held, she's there for me. She is truely remorseful now, because I think with this outcome, she actually sees the devastation and pain caused by what she did.
jnel921 Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I think you are making it worse for yourselves by clinging to each other until the end. You need to prepare yourself now. I don't believe she is totally honest with you. She R with you initially because she said she did....now she doesn't? Why waste the time and energy to be the man she does not want nor appreciates. When she leaves I am sure she will pick up somewhere and this is where you will have to learn to keep your distance and cut off all communications with her. I just don't think what you are doing is healthy. My own road to R has been tough. But I seriously doubt if my H approached me today and told me what we were doing was based on a lie one of us would have to go immediately and there would be no sleeping or hugging and crying on the bed. It just doesn't make sense. You need to let it go.I agree with BetrayedH. After some time you will question why you were even with her. I felt the same way towards my first H. I think you will be okay once you accept her feelings and decision.
Author SmokeRat Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 While I agree it is counterproductive to what the eventual outcome is, right now it feels what I need to help move past it. We are at a point now, that even if we wanted to turn back it would not be feasible. All the damage has been done, and it cannot be repaired. My buddies at the hall are already trying to sell me off to their female friends, and while I appreciate it, I've told them I'm most definetly not ready to get back together with someone. I'll continue to live in the house and sleep in my own bed. I love that bed, it's comfortable and warm, the basement bed was horrible. I know that I need to start disconnecting, and I am. I'm spending more time on me (working out and playing the video games I really like to play), I'm actually going out with some friends this coming Friday, that aren't from the Hall. Is it making it worse by supporting eachother? Probably, but we are all we have right now. Her mother is furious, as are my parents. So she can't turn to either of them for support during this. Don't get me wrong, she made this happen and she should suffer the consequences. But after everything is said and done, it hurts me to see her in pain. I can't fix her, I know that now. At the very least, I can at least stop her from falling down and help her through this horrendous event. I'm ok with this, because it's therapy for me, it's helping me temper my resentment and anger. I know I will eventually find someone else, but at least I'll go into that relationship with my eyes wide open. I told my wife that when we do go our own ways, I wish nothing ill on her. I want her to be happy and find someone she can truely love and be truthful with. That broke her heart and I can see it, in that instant, she knew just how much I love her and what she lost.
Author SmokeRat Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 I'm in mouring right now, I believe we both are. Which I believe, is why we are still sleeping in the same bed and eating meals together. We are watching each other slip away and doing it in a way that hurts us less. May seems arse backwards, but it's working. Once the house sells, and we turn a profit we'll go our seperate ways and that will be the end of it. I'll be moving out of the city/town I'm in now to be closer to the place I work, and she'll go where she wants.
Author SmokeRat Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 I'm mourning that our marriage is ending, and the love is gone out of the marriage. I'm mourning that I'm losing my best friend, partner, lover and wife. I'm also mourning that she is in pain, because despite anything, I wish her no ill will, I want her to be happy and I just wish she could have been happy with me. I love my wife, deeply. She's come to the full reality of the pain she has caused me. And it's eating her alive, but I'm doing what I can to help her through that. I refuse to turn into a bitter divorced person, I refuse to let this divorce define me. I will take the moral high ground, and support her until the end of this. At least then, when we both walk away, I can look at myself in the mirror and know I gave this everything I had, even when I was lied to and cheated on. She'll have to walk away knowing she tossed that all out the window, and I truely wish she had not.
Author SmokeRat Posted March 11, 2013 Author Posted March 11, 2013 More or less. I'm doing the only thing I know how to do, in very stressfull situations, Adapt. I cannot live in the house with her going NC, I know she's two floors above me. At least with both of us 'playing house' together, we can comfort eachother, even if it just for a short time frame. She is my wife until we are not living together and the paperwork clearly states it, until that time, she will be awared the respect and love that comes with that title. Since the reality of our divorce, she's been giving me the respect and love that I deserve as her husband. Sadly, it's too little too late. But we both know this. I'm not sure how to handle a divorce, as I hope it is my one and only. Some people have told me to kick her out, others that I need to leave immediately. Others have said just do what feels right for both of you. Right now, being together and supporting eachother feels right. She knows she is going to have to live without me, and she's in a panic. For now, she can keep me but knowing that we're going to be letting go soon enough.
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