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would it be wrong or weird for me to date others while he's away for three weeks?

tuxedo cat

By tuxedo cat
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tuxedo cat Established Member

tuxedo cat

Posted
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I started seeing a very warm and charming guy a couple of weeks ago. We had both been crushing on each other and he finally asked me out. We've only gone on three dates but I'm very into him and I'm hoping he becomes my boyfriend. He seems to really like me too, although I'm not sure if his interest quite matches mine.

 

Positive signs:

 

He is very gentlemanly and has been courting me with more care than most of the guys I've dated.

 

On our first two dates I was confident he was very interested. He said, "It's crazy since we just met but I really like you." He told me multiple times that he loves spending time with me. He is very physically affectionate without being overtly sexual -- hand holding, eye-locking, kissing. He asks a lot of questions about me and expresses a desire to look things up later that I'm interested in. He's also has made it clear he wants to take things physically slow, which seems like a good sign to me.

 

On our first date he asked me what I was looking for. I said a relationship and he said so was he and that we're on the same page.

 

On our third date he seemed maybe a bit cooler but I know I tend to be overly sensitive to signs of disinterest. He was less touchy but we were also only out in public while we had more privacy on our first two dates. The date also came a couple of days before he was leaving for a three week long, stressful work trip which he had been heavily preparing for in the days before, so he might have just been nervous and tired.

 

The day after our third date he messaged me online and we had a really nice conversation. I shared a favorite band with him and he told me later that night that he'd been listening to them all evening. He also mentioned that he wants to take me to some sort of music show when he returns from the work trip.

 

Still I'm concerned about his interest level because he doesn't make much contact between dates aside from planning, which is different from other guys who have really dug me in the past. He has an extremely demanding job for what it's worth.

 

I'm not expecting us to have much contact while he's gone. He will be working pretty much non stop and he's in a remote part of the world that I don't think even has cell phone reception.

 

In the meantime I feel like I'm kind of on hold for three weeks. Before I met him I was about to put up an online dating profile for the first time. Would it be shady or weird for me to do that now? We haven't had the exclusivity talk yet, but I'm pretty sure he's not dating anyone else. He told me on our first date he hadn't gone on a date in a long time because he's been so busy with work. Of course he could be lying but he generally seems sincere and I believe him.

 

There are a couple of reasons I'm considering dating others while he's away. One is that I tend to invest too quickly in relationships and multi-dating might help me keep my cool. The other is that three weeks is just a long time and it seems a bit silly to put everything on hold for a guy who I'm not even exclusive with.

 

This seems to fall into an ethical grey area. I know some people assume exclusivity even when that's not explicitly agreed upon. If we had met online I wouldn't have any hesitation because I would assume he was seeing others. He also seems like a serious guy who only dates women he has a real interest in as potential girlfriends. I would feel weird about doing something that he would be hurt about if he knew, but maybe it wouldn't be a big deal at all to him?

 

Basically this impulse to see others isn't coming from a lack of interest in him but too much interest and wanting to keep a lid on that. Would this be unhealthy behavior for me and/or shady on an ethical basis?

Edited by tuxedo cat
dichotomy Established Member

dichotomy

Posted
Posted

If you truly wish him to be your boyfriend, because he is a great guy and you have feelings - then you can hold on for a few weeks. Why risk three weeks, and him finding out you were seeing others which he would take as you being casual.

 

On the other hand if you have not become sexual with him, nor would you be sexual with others while he was gone - then I think it would be ethical to date "light" while he is away. My two cents anyway.

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tuxedo cat Established Member

tuxedo cat

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^we haven't been intimate yet.

DC4 Established Member

DC4

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OK, this is just from my experience so all my opinion here...

 

You are not exclusive yet. He is gone for three weeks. Don't advertise it to him, but you don't owe him a three week gap of no dating if you want to go out. I have been burned not once but TWICE (shame on me) by men who were really affectionate, sweet, hand holding, etc. Until you have "the talk", just assume he's going on dates. You don't sound like someone who wants to sleep around so really, you're just talking about coffee/drinks/dinner types of things right?

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tuxedo cat Established Member

tuxedo cat

Posted
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Posted
OK, this is just from my experience so all my opinion here...

 

You are not exclusive yet. He is gone for three weeks. Don't advertise it to him, but you don't owe him a three week gap of no dating if you want to go out. I have been burned not once but TWICE (shame on me) by men who were really affectionate, sweet, hand holding, etc. Until you have "the talk", just assume he's going on dates. You don't sound like someone who wants to sleep around so really, you're just talking about coffee/drinks/dinner types of things right?

 

Yeah, I'm not interested in having sex with anyone right now until exclusivity is on the table.

DC4 Established Member

DC4

Posted
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Then get out there and have some dates! It's too easy to get wrapped up in someone before you know if it's even going anywhere. Again, this has been my problem and I won't let it happen again. Good for you for thinking about this on the front end!

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StanMusial Established Member

StanMusial

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If you really like that guy, why would you want to go out with someone else? You're just going to screw (figuratively, not literally) the other guy(s) over when Prince Charming comes back into the picture.

JuneJulySeptember Established Member

JuneJulySeptember

Posted
Posted (edited)
The other is that three weeks is just a long time and it seems a bit silly to put everything on hold for a guy who I'm not even exclusive with.

 

 

:lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

I can do three YEARS standing on my head.

 

Make sure you never take any dating advice from me!

 

PS. I'm just curious. How many men do you think you can get into you in 3 weeks?

Edited by JuneJulySeptember
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tuxedo cat Established Member

tuxedo cat

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:lmao::lmao::lmao:

 

I can do three YEARS standing on my head.

 

Make sure you never take any dating advice from me!

 

PS. I'm just curious. How many men do you think you can get into you in 3 weeks?

 

It's not hard to get dates online if you're a woman. Out of curiosity the other day I simply put a photo up with no profile attached and in half an hour I got 25 messages. Most of them were from guys I wouldn't have dated but there were a couple I would have gone out with.

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tuxedo cat Established Member

tuxedo cat

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and there's nothing special about me lookswise. I'd consider myself only slightly above average but online dating really favors women.

tbf Established Member

tbf

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On our first date he asked me what I was looking for. I said a relationship and he said so was he and that we're on the same page.
This infers dating exclusively. If you want clarity, flat out ask him if he's dating anyone else. Otherwise, don't play with fire and complicate it.
Imported Established Member

Imported

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Posted

You sound like a player OP.

Imported Established Member

Imported

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Honestly, I date one girl at one time. If there is a second date, there is no other girl. If I am looking for another girl to date, than the one I was with before is over. Exclusive talk or not, I am not interested in women that want to date multiple guys in the same time period to compare....so they can see what they are missing? Who knows, maybe they will want to see what they are missing again later on as well. If I started dating a girl like that, I will most certainly be looking for another girl.

mesmerized Established Member

mesmerized

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Posted

If you are not exclusive, keep your options open. It's that simple.

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Star Gazer Established Member

Star Gazer

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Ha, I was recently dating someone who went away for 3 weeks too. If I could do it over again, I'd totally be dating others while he was gone.

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