Dating suggestions that only pertains to men

[Lonely Ronin]

This makes no sense to me at all. You and ronin's "eager" appears to be a euphemism for smothering. How does one smother someone walking up to them and talking to them?

 

Overly eager, is pretty much the precursor to smothering.

[outsidethebox]

ok, I understand smothering. I didn't get that out of OP's scenario but apparently is a code word.

[somedude81]

Yes, I have has several 'desirable' women approach, some overly eager some not. Monicaelise gave a good list of what was wrong with the overly eager ones.

So, were the over eager ones so bad that they override the good approaches?

 

Also what is more common, the good kind or the bad kind?

 

Here's where it all comes down to, getting attention from people of the opposite sex is pretty much an all or nothing thing.

 

One either gets no attention

Or they get attention, both good and bad.

 

So which would you chose? Attention or no attention?

[SteveC80]

Theres just some traits that are expected of each gender

 

A man is expected to have a lot of confidence its a masculine trait..as men we just accept that most women are highly insecure

[Lonely Ronin]

So, were the over eager ones so bad that they override the good approaches?

 

The over eager ones, killed any desire I had for them within 2 or 3 dates. Mainly because from the word go, they seemed to think everything was just going to work out and be a wonderful fairy tale relationship. They all seemed normal at first, but that normal became overly eager as soon as i showed interest.

 

The good approaches where the women who made an approach, but still treated it as two people needing to get to know each other before anything could come of it.

 

Also what is more common, the good kind or the bad kind?

 

For me I would say, 75% bad 25% good, but I'm very picky when it comes to personality and pace, so it could be drastically different for another guy.

 

 

Here's where it all comes down to, getting attention from people of the opposite sex is pretty much an all or nothing thing.

 

One either gets no attention

Or they get attention, both good and bad.

 

So which would you chose? Attention or no attention?

 

No, this is flawed logic. Many shades of attention exist, everything from super subtle, to so horrendously direct/overbearing that it's off putting.

[tbf]

People will never agree on this since attraction is such a subjective spectrum. One person's needy is another's soul mate.

[somedude81]

 

 

For me I would say, 75% bad 25% good, but I'm very picky when it comes to personality and pace, so it could be drastically different for another guy.

If you're very picky then you're very picky.

 

 

 

No, this is flawed logic. Many shades of attention exist, everything from super subtle, to so horrendously direct/overbearing that it's off putting.

No, the logic is very sound.

 

In order to get good attention, you must also get the bad attention.

 

It is impossible for one to only get attention from those that they desire. That isn't how the world works. Bad attention is the price for being able to get good attention.

 

With the good, must come the bad. The alternative is nothing.

 

So I ask again, attention, or no attention?

[Lonely Ronin]

If you're very picky then you're very picky.

 

 

 

No, the logic is very sound.

 

In order to get good attention, you must also get the bad attention.

 

It is impossible for one to only get attention from those that they desire. That isn't how the world works. Bad attention is the price for being able to get good attention.

 

With the good, must come the bad. The alternative is nothing.

 

So I ask again, attention, or no attention?

 

 

I just want to make sure you understand it's not an either or situation.

 

As a man I have more of an ability to deter the bad attention, than women do, so I would say attention.

[aussietigerwolf]

If a woman makes the first move then are you going to reject her because of it?

[normal person]

Really? If somebody offered you a million dollars, no strings attached, you'd turn down the offer just because you didn't work hard for it?

 

It's been documented that a lot of people who win the lottery are ultimately as happy/unhappy as they were before they won. I said I would rather work for it. If something good's on offer, I'll be skeptical but if it passes the test, sure, I'll probably take it. I'm just saying it's not quite as fulfilling and doesn't satisfy you the same way. I could make a million as a specialized doctor providing something great for society, helping people after spending years toiling in med school. Or I could scratch off a lotto ticket and win. Yeah, they're both great, but they aren't the same.

 

For me it isn't about the chase, it's about the end result. Ultimately we all want to find somebody nice who'll understand us and whom we'll be attracted to. It doesn't matter how we met, as long as we end up together. Why does it bother you how you get from A to B if your ultimate goal is to get to C? Personally I'm wary of people who enjoy the thrill of the chase.

 

Perhaps "chase" was a poor word choice on my part. When I say I enjoy the chase, I mean I enjoy the aspects of meeting someone new, I enjoy learning about their life and what makes them tick, and I feel good when they reciprocate interest and laugh and enjoy each other's company. I consider myself a somewhat decent guy looking for a genuine girl and the process itself is just as enjoyable as the result. I want to form a bond, not just be physical.

 

Keep in mind the disparity between peoples' A, B, and C. Just two nights ago I met an amazing girl. She was gorgeous, had very insightful things to say, was hilarious, a nursing student, everything. She was with her friends who were a couple and I didn't think much of it. We were talking for a little while and she made it very clear that she was interested. Fantastic. She asks to come with me to another bar my friend encouraged me to come to. Great. We get there, she buys us each a beer and a shot, pulls me on the dance floor and she's kissing me not long after. Amazing (but not very classy, I know). To be fair, I didn't stop her. She asks if I want to get pizza, I say sure. I go to grab my coat, turn around and never see her again. I text her the following day to see if she wants to hang out again and she says "You're cool but I'm not really feeling it. Sorry, I've learned it's better not to drag it on." Huh???

 

I don't have bad breath or anything. I actually wanted to know this girl, hang out with her, talk with her and just enjoy her company and the process of doing so. Seems to me she just didn't want to be the third wheel on a night out with her friends and I was just in the right place at the right time.

 

A gorgeous girl throwing herself at me? No chasing? Sounds good on paper, right? Kissing her for a little while was admittedly pretty heavenly, but that was not my "C." I wanted to know this girl on a deeper level and she couldn't care less about me. I know part of the problem is that I didn't ever suggest she slow it down, I assumed that'd come after like we were just having a little bite of the desert before we had the meal and conversation. But following that I am not at all fulfilled, I'm just confused, disappointed, and feeling f****** used.

 

No chase, million dollar scratch off winner, miserable.

 

Makes me wonder what they'll do once the chase is over. Move on to another person and do the chase all over again to feel the same thrill?

 

In fairness to you, I'll admit that this is an incredibly good point which I've wondered about myself. I'm a little embarrassed to say I'm not sure I know the answer. Who knows what that says about me?

[somedude81]

I just want to make sure you understand it's not an either or situation.

 

As a man I have more of an ability to deter the bad attention, than women do, so I would say attention.

Thank you.

 

That was the answer I was expecting. Frankly, it's the only logical answer.

 

I would gladly trade my complete lack of female attention to getting chased by women I have no interest in, if it meant I could start getting girls I liked.

 

It's a sacrifise I'd be more than willing to make.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I never understood the too eager thing.

 

I never followed it unless it was a situation where I already knew it wasn't going anywhere long term.

 

 

 

 

When I was casually dating, no I was never "too eager" but I also wasn't looking for anything serious yet.

 

 

Once I was ready for something serious, as soon as I met someone I wanted to date long term I just went all out.

If the guy didn't reciprocate I knew he wasn't on the same level as me.

[somedude81]

well, my ex gf was attractive and she actual asked me to have sex with her.

Heh, 48 posts and so far it's only happened to two guys.

 

BTW, too eager usually means it makes you uncomfortable, that she's trying to hard. Since she was your GF at one point, it doesn't like she came across as too eager.

[jcrew11]

Not a myth.

Every guy Ive had to pursue ended up not being into me. Most guys dont have alot of options and as long as the girl is semi attractive, will entertain her attentions without being all that into her.

 

Unless a guy has severe psychological problems, if he finds a girl he reallly likes he will go after her. I cannot tell you how many times when I was younger I chased a guy and heard "oh hes inexperienced with women" or "hes shy" or "hes busy" Yeah, he was never that into mr. When a guy likes you, he pursues you (by asking you out...not necessarily pursuing you hardcore)

 

Well, a man can find a woman physically attractive, but then spends time with her and finds her boring, annoying, needy, or whatever. Most guys will give a woman at least 1 date to prove herself, if she is average-looking.

 

But "needy women" tend to be needy for a reason, meaning their life is miserable and they "need a man to save her and improve her life in some way, emotionally or financially."

 

A woman who is strong, indepedent, successful, and happy, will never turn off a man.

[jcrew11]

Heh, 48 posts and so far it's only happened to two guys.

 

BTW, too eager usually means it makes you uncomfortable, that she's trying to hard. Since she was your GF at one point, it doesn't like she came across as too eager.

 

My former manager was 7 years older than me and 31 years old, and desperately and loudly flirted with every guy in the office, including myself. Her biological clock was majorly ticking. I wanted to complain to someone about the sexual harassment but I didn't make enough to care about my job. She was pretty but too old for me, and I didn't want to get married to anyone. She ended up marrying the guy at the desk next to me. I suppose male and female managers aggressively use their power positions to find dates amongst their subordinates because they can't say No, and that is why sexual harrassment is so common in the workplace.

 

I think she had some mental problems because her ex-fiance dumped her on her wedding day; and that is why she was looking for a "male co-worker to save her."

[todreaminblue]

I personally see this as a myth, I know of know man that would actually be turned off by a woman that pursued them....in fact , they'd welcome it with open arms.

 

 

whether it is fact or fallacy ....it goes against the grain to chase a man......whether they would welcome it or not...women were not meant to be hunters.......we gather......and we wait for a guy to have enough guts to come and say hey you want to catch a movie...and if he can do that then we know he can go ou tand hunt down a chicken or two and catch them..shouldnt have to help a guy catch a chicken.....they are slippery ...chickens i mean...super fast.....i was told by my grandfather from a very young age....he knew he was passing on.....deb one day if you find a man that can catch you a chicken keep him he is a keeper....

 

 

he also told me that when i got older that i should value who i was and that if a man truly seen the value in me.....he would be the one who would ask me out....i wouldnt have to ask...i was really young when my grandfather told me this.....but he wasnt ever goign to be around to tell me when i was older....and he asked my grandmother out, got down on on eknee and proposed to her ..... and they were with each other until he passed away........my grandfather .....was an inspiring man....ill wait for a like minded man to inspire me to say yes ill catch a movie with you ........deb

[jcrew11]

Thank you for reaffirming virtually everything that's been said about why "over eager" women are generally seen as problematic. You've just clearly demonstrated why the original post was erroneous.

 

I think her behavior was just really out of place for a "work setting" and unprofessional. That kind of behavior is fine for a bar or last call, and would be welcomed by most men at bars.

 

The guys who were her own age kinda just dealt with it or liked her because she was pretty. It was just confusing for me because I had just started at the company and didn't want to get romantically involved with any co-workers, and she was acting super sexually aggressive. I really didn't have the work confidence to deal with her alpha female game. There are a lot of alpha male who would have loved the attention. There are a lot of beta males that would have loved the attention. I just wanted to focus on the job, and not get involved in office gossip/dating. I didn't know her "past wedding history" but I sensed the urgency; before I even got to know her at all. I was just personally against getting married to anyone at the time (or a woman 7 years older than me), so I wasn't interested in dating her.

[outsidethebox]

My former manager was 7 years older than me and 31 years old, and desperately and loudly flirted with every guy in the office, including myself. Her biological clock was majorly ticking. I wanted to complain to someone about the sexual harassment but I didn't make enough to care about my job. She was pretty but too old for me, and I didn't want to get married to anyone. She ended up marrying the guy at the desk next to me. I suppose male and female managers aggressively use their power positions to find dates amongst their subordinates because they can't say No, and that is why sexual harrassment is so common in the workplace.

 

I think she had some mental problems because her ex-fiance dumped her on her wedding day; and that is why she was looking for a "male co-worker to save her."

 

It is not so common. Relationships with direct line of management is explicitly forbidden in most any organization with an HR policy.

[PJKino]

...yeah they strung me along and then pursued another girl they actually liked more than a little.

.

 

And this is exactly what men face when we approach

 

The real reason you dont want to approach is most women dont want to have to put your heart and ego on the line early on like men do id have more respect if you just admitted this instead of some psychobabble or your limited failures as to why its some scientific fact that men have to approach

[Michelle83]

I personally see this as a myth, I know of know man that would actually be turned off by a woman that pursued them....in fact , they'd welcome it with open arms.

 

I've read the exact opposite time and time again. You need to let him chase you otherwise he loses interest quickly.

 

I wish this wasn't so, if a guy isn't chasing, it'd be nice as a woman to be able to pursue him without worrying about it, but so much of what I've read about dating says the opposite.

 

Curious for the guys who feel it is okay for women to pursue more, when does it become 'too much'. When does her being over eager turn into needy and a turn off?

[youaremysunshine]

I'm a pretty independent sort, not looking for a man to "complete me", nor looking for marriage..

 

I have a major thing for oddball types. Really eccentric guys tend to not be as forward so I ussualy make the first move(s)

 

This enveitabley gives them the old "wouldn't be a member or any club that would have me" complex

 

It sucks cause I'm not one for macho guys but they tend not to overthink the situation and enjoy dating for what it is with out questioning my motives

[CryForNoOne]

How many men have actually experienced a halfway decent looking woman being too eager?

 

So I had a drop dead gorgeous woman eagerly pursue me once. It made her even more attractive to me. Right at this moment though, I've got a woman who I consider slightly below my tier, who is too eager. I decided to go out with her because she is funny/interesting and in the least we could be friends. I doubt there is any long term potential. But she is serial texting me now and it is a total turn off. I'm actually thinking of backing out of the date now.

 

So here's my take: If you really like someone, them being over eager is a turn on. If you're already on the fence about someone, it's a turn off because there is no excitement of the "chase" and you already feel smothered. Generally women have more options than men so they are the one's rejecting over eager men. But sometimes the tables are turned, and if so, men react the same exact way as women.

[Michelle83]

So I had a drop dead gorgeous woman eagerly pursue me once. It made her even more attractive to me. Right at this moment though, I've got a woman who I consider slightly below my tier, who is too eager. I decided to go out with her because she is funny/interesting and in the least we could be friends. I doubt there is any long term potential. But she is serial texting me now and it is a total turn off. I'm actually thinking of backing out of the date now.

 

So here's my take: If you really like someone, them being over eager is a turn on. If you're already on the fence about someone, it's a turn off because there is no excitement of the "chase" and you already feel smothered. Generally women have more options than men so they are the one's rejecting over eager men. But sometimes the tables are turned, and if so, men react the same exact way as women.

 

I tend to agree. Everything changes when it's someone who you are really interested in. Even character traits you'd normally write off and not consider someone you're so-so about, I find I can deal with more if I'm really into them in other ways.

 

I'm really turned off by text-happy men who won't stop texting all day long, but then the guy who I'm really interested in starts texting me and I'll happily keep it going.

 

What's the difference though in showing clear interest in a guy who may be nervous/tentative, etc and being over-eager?

[grkBoy]

In all honesty, I think men and women make the mistake of changing the rules so much that they turn their dating lives into one big hypocrisy.

 

I'll hear men and women complain how they wish dating wasn't so hard and that someone would fight for them or chase them or make it easier...

 

...then when someone does, they proclaim how he/she is too "eager", "hungry", or "creepy". Most of the time this is because the initial complainer is too used to having it hard, and thus when it comes easily they run in fear.

 

 

 

I've been down the path enough times where I show genuine interest, am a gentleman, pursue, court, etc...and the girl went from hot to cold. I even noticed how much she was into me when I wasn't chasing, but now was turned off because I called her, asked her out, or even took her out and was a gentleman.

 

This is why I tell men and women to go on dates with no expectations in their heads. Just go, be a little flirty, but treat it like going out with a friend. I know many will say that's your ticket to the friendzone, but I say if she'll quickly toss you there, then she's not worth pursuing.

 

In the end, this worked for me. I think many men and women now need to feel comfort first before they can fathom romance. They need to feel comfortable with this person so they'll lower their guard and allow romance to happen.

 

There's no point anymore in "courting". Not while both sides of the gender divide will look at many gestures as "eager" or "needy" or "creepy". I won't bring flowers to a girl on a first date. Not when I've seen many times with many guys how much this backfires...simply because too many modern women have been conditioned to be treated badly or conditioned to still see the male across from her as her competition in the world.

[Archgirl]

The downside to being chased by someone "over eager"? There are several..

 

1) They assume you're feeling the same way.

2) They see and hear what they want to see and hear.

3) They suffocate you.

4) You often have to be unpleasant to slow them down.

5) You know it's something they're projecting onto you, rather than seeing you as you are. (I'm not saying "all men do this", but the "over eager" frequently do)

6) They generally burn themselves out with their own eagerness.

7) They feel wounded/insulted when you don't reciprocate.

8) They frequently don't respect your need for space and a slower pace.

9) It is often an indication of a lack of maturity or understanding of the way people work.

 

My guess is many of the things on this list also apply in cases when women are the "over eager" ones.

 

This has happened a lot to me in the last year or so of singledom. I reckon about 3 out of every 5 guys or so.

 

I hate it, it makes me shut down and be less open to the next one.

 

They don't listen about taking it slow or they take it too personally and lash out, they don't take the time to get to know me just rush rush rush me to the GF zone.

 

The worst bit is having to be cruel. Closely followed by the feeling that they don't really see who I am nor care. Then the abrupt hurt and disinterest when they burn out.