stepbystep Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 Hello! I'm new here and have been browsing the forums. I wanted to put my question out there to get some perspective on my situation. I have been with my fiancé for almost two years. He has two kids that are out of the house (he is 46), and I have two young children (4 and 5). We have no plans to have kids together. My first marriage was horrible. Emotional abuse, personality disorder (on his part), inattentiveness, etc. That lasted for 8 years. My fiancé was very attentive at first. He always wanted to spend time with me and the kids. When we got engaged, he moved in with me. He redecorated the house, made it a home. He played with the kids, though not as much as I would like. He is just not used to having a 4 and 5 year old again. That will take time. Then in late December/early January, he started going out with his friends. A lot. I don't know what changed. He goes out 3-4 times a week. He works odd hours, and has to work late a lot. He works every Saturday at least until 6. When he works until close at 8, he usually ends up staying at work really late. He'll get home around 10 or 11. He works at a car dealership, so sometimes there are late customers. One time he got home at 12:30 and another time it was 1:45am. So, I don't get to spend a lot of quality time with him. Then on the nights he's not working late, he goes out with his friends. I don't know who these friends are. He never talks about them. He ends the conversation when I try to ask about them. I've asked if I could go out with him once in a while when we don't have the kids. He says that I can't because it's all guys. So, I've tried to plan big get togethers with his guy friends and their wives/girlfriends. He is not keen on that because he thinks I'm doing it to check up on him. If he does come home on time, he sits on the floor in front of the couch (while I'm on the couch), and texts his friends. All night. He's up texting until 1 in the morning. When I tell him that I want him to focus on me when we're together, so please put the phone away, it's always a fight. He NEEDS to be available because xyz is going on at work. And why can't he text his friends. I've tried to turn the tables on him once about his texting. I started sending him tons of texts while he was out with his friends. He, of course, didn't reply, or was slow to reply. When he got home, I asked why he wasn't replying and he said it's because it's rude to text when you're with other people. But he doesn't see the connection. Then at least once a week, he stays out all night. The first time, he went to a casino with friends and came back around 5. The next time, he stayed at a friends house, and came back around 5. Then it was 11. This morning, he says he'll be home at noon. I have no idea where he is. Just "at a friend's house". He usually does that when we don't have the kids, too! So, I'm just by myself at home. Waiting for him to come home. Though, today, I do have the kids, so at least I have something to occupy me while I wait. I have asked if he is having an affair. Obviously, he would say no, which he did. But I don't see the typical signs of him having an affair. It seems like he's just going out with his friends. He says he's feeling smothered. He's not home enough for me to smother him. But when he IS home, I want him with me. I came from a relationship where I was not paid attention to at all. When he's with me, I want him to be with me. He tells me that I need to go out with my friends. I don't really have any friends, but even if I did, I'm just not that person that goes out clubbing, drinking, etc. I love going out with my fiancé though. But we never do. HE never asks me. I ask him a lot, but he's always got something else going on. I have had enough. We have had big arguments about this. He says that he needs to have his time with his friends in order for him to be a happy, healthy individual, so that he can contribute better to the relationship. But it's like he doesn't care that it makes me unhappy. I feel like I'm being abandoned. Like I'm not important to him. His friends are MUCH more important than I am, because he chooses to go out with them rather than me. He texts them all day long, but not me. I don't know where I fit anymore. He says he loves me and wants to be with me (I told him last week that he needs to think about whether or not he wants this), but he's still doing all these things that I hate. I know that he should be allowed to go out with his friends occasionally, but 3-4 times a week? And staying out all night? Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Am I missing something here? Is it too much for me to ask that he not stay the night out? He's 46 years old, for crying out loud! Thanks in advance!
ExpatInItaly Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 "But I don't see the typical signs of him having an affair." Really?! I'd say that most of what you posted are indeed typical signs that he is up to no good. What, from your perspective, are the typical signs if not the ones he's displaying? (this is a sincere question, not meant to be snarky)
Million.to.1 Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 This sounds yucky. If he is a naturally social person, and you aren't, then the relationship will always be a struggle. I would have to agree with Expatinitaly on this though... if this is a new behaviour for him, then i wouldn't rule out an affair if i were you. If you can't discuss this with him without a argument erupting, suggest seeing a counselor together to talk about how you can manage this issue together, or you're out.
aussietigerwolf Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 Even if he's not having an affair, you're just roommates and not friendly ones either 1
Mr. Lucky Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 He's 46 years old, for crying out loud! Thanks in advance! I don't know any engaged 26 year olds that live that lifestyle. It's the actions of a single player, not a man that is serious about his relationship with and obligations to his soon-to-be wife and stepchildren. Seems like you already know the answer so let me offer my agreement and encouragement. Dropkick this freelancer, he'd not the guy you want to bring any further into the lives of young children. He's doing you the favor of offering a clear look at what marriage to him will be like... Mr. Lucky 1
whichwayisup Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 I have asked if he is having an affair. Obviously, he would say no, which he did. But I don't see the typical signs of him having an affair. It seems like he's just going out with his friends. He says he's feeling smothered. He's not home enough for me to smother him. But when he IS home, I want him with me. I came from a relationship where I was not paid attention to at all. When he's with me, I want him to be with me. You say he is out late, with his friends, but how do you know he's with his friends? you say he's texting a lot, WHO he is texting? Time to talk to him, tell him enough is enough! He needs to man up at the age of 46 and BE a family man, be a husband to you (I know you're not married yet, but still, he isn't acting like a man excited to be your husband) and not go out all the time at night, doing as he pleases. I don't believe he's working all those late hours. And being with his friends so much? Nope. He's acting like a teen! He's a grown man!
Darren Steez Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Hello! I'm new here and have been browsing the forums. I wanted to put my question out there to get some perspective on my situation. I have been with my fiancé for almost two years. He has two kids that are out of the house (he is 46), and I have two young children (4 and 5). We have no plans to have kids together. My first marriage was horrible. Emotional abuse, personality disorder (on his part), inattentiveness, etc. That lasted for 8 years. My fiancé was very attentive at first. He always wanted to spend time with me and the kids. When we got engaged, he moved in with me. He redecorated the house, made it a home. He played with the kids, though not as much as I would like. He is just not used to having a 4 and 5 year old again. That will take time. Then in late December/early January, he started going out with his friends. A lot. I don't know what changed. He goes out 3-4 times a week. He works odd hours, and has to work late a lot. He works every Saturday at least until 6. When he works until close at 8, he usually ends up staying at work really late. He'll get home around 10 or 11. He works at a car dealership, so sometimes there are late customers. One time he got home at 12:30 and another time it was 1:45am. So, I don't get to spend a lot of quality time with him. Then on the nights he's not working late, he goes out with his friends. I don't know who these friends are. He never talks about them. He ends the conversation when I try to ask about them. I've asked if I could go out with him once in a while when we don't have the kids. He says that I can't because it's all guys. So, I've tried to plan big get togethers with his guy friends and their wives/girlfriends. He is not keen on that because he thinks I'm doing it to check up on him. If he does come home on time, he sits on the floor in front of the couch (while I'm on the couch), and texts his friends. All night. He's up texting until 1 in the morning. When I tell him that I want him to focus on me when we're together, so please put the phone away, it's always a fight. He NEEDS to be available because xyz is going on at work. And why can't he text his friends. I've tried to turn the tables on him once about his texting. I started sending him tons of texts while he was out with his friends. He, of course, didn't reply, or was slow to reply. When he got home, I asked why he wasn't replying and he said it's because it's rude to text when you're with other people. But he doesn't see the connection. Then at least once a week, he stays out all night. The first time, he went to a casino with friends and came back around 5. The next time, he stayed at a friends house, and came back around 5. Then it was 11. This morning, he says he'll be home at noon. I have no idea where he is. Just "at a friend's house". He usually does that when we don't have the kids, too! So, I'm just by myself at home. Waiting for him to come home. Though, today, I do have the kids, so at least I have something to occupy me while I wait. I have asked if he is having an affair. Obviously, he would say no, which he did. But I don't see the typical signs of him having an affair. It seems like he's just going out with his friends. He says he's feeling smothered. He's not home enough for me to smother him. But when he IS home, I want him with me. I came from a relationship where I was not paid attention to at all. When he's with me, I want him to be with me. He tells me that I need to go out with my friends. I don't really have any friends, but even if I did, I'm just not that person that goes out clubbing, drinking, etc. I love going out with my fiancé though. But we never do. HE never asks me. I ask him a lot, but he's always got something else going on. I have had enough. We have had big arguments about this. He says that he needs to have his time with his friends in order for him to be a happy, healthy individual, so that he can contribute better to the relationship. But it's like he doesn't care that it makes me unhappy. I feel like I'm being abandoned. Like I'm not important to him. His friends are MUCH more important than I am, because he chooses to go out with them rather than me. He texts them all day long, but not me. I don't know where I fit anymore. He says he loves me and wants to be with me (I told him last week that he needs to think about whether or not he wants this), but he's still doing all these things that I hate. I know that he should be allowed to go out with his friends occasionally, but 3-4 times a week? And staying out all night? Does anyone have any thoughts on this? Am I missing something here? Is it too much for me to ask that he not stay the night out? He's 46 years old, for crying out loud! Thanks in advance! Just had to bold that because that is just a big crock of bull. First off he's 46 years old. He's a smart man, He absolutely knows what he's doing and it's worrying because it appears he just doesn't care. I'd say going out every week staying out until the early hours is extreme, you can understand a couple of hours at a bar, once in a while go out with friends and have a good time but 3-4 every week, no there's something else going on. a) Lack of transparency about these "friends". Won't talk about them, won't let you meet them. RED FLAG..no actually think about a stadium full of 60,000 fans all waving flags!! b) Where can they be going, 3-4 times a week every week? Jeez even the most hardcore would get bored at some point. which brings us to c) You say it's not an affair but honestly it gets to a point where it's tiring to keep making up excuses to go out and meet with somebody, especially if it's that often a week, so the easiest to maintain is I'm going out with friends, especially since he's not very forthcoming with who these friends are, so why not keep rolling with it. Do some more investigating. I'm sure you'll turn up a whole lot more.
Recommended Posts