Backslide

March 10, 2013

I feel like I've hit a brick wall today after doing so well for so long.

I think of myself as a coper - whatever life throws at me, I cope and always try to be optimistic about the outcome and the future in general.

This morning, I've been lying on my bed sobbing, really sobbing. Can't remember the last time I did that.

There are other things going on in my life and other reasons why today, specifically, is a bad day, but it's bringing back thoughts of exmm and wondering if he will contact me.

This time last year, I let slip why today was always a bad day for me and he rang me to comfort me. I am not always great at accepting sympathy and am 'miss independant' dealing with problems, but it was so nice to hear his voice and let someone comfort me.

Part of me thinks he may remember and contact me today, and I'm back to checking my phone every five minutes and having that horrible empty feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I don't want to backslide, I've come so far in the last few months and thought I'd sorted my feelings out where he was concerned. I know these things are supposed to come in waves, but this is one huge wave after only a few ripples!

I won't contact him, it's pointless, but right now I just want him to hold me and tell me it's all going to be ok....madness eh???

Please tell me this is 'normal' and I'll be back to my 'ice queen' self tomorrow:o

Edited March 10, 2013 by beyond

March 10, 2013

In my opinion it is normal. Certain things in our life trigger memories. In this case, you are dealing with something that makes today a rough day and the memory of him comforting you made what ever you are dealing with a little more tolerable.

March 10, 2013

In my opinion it is normal. Certain things in our life trigger memories. In this case, you are dealing with something that makes today a rough day and the memory of him comforting you made what ever you are dealing with a little more tolerable.

Thank you Chaser.

There are others around me who could comfort me, but for some reason I want him, even though I doubt he even recalls what this day is.

I don't want to want him!

March 10, 2013

It's normal to want the comfort, especially if his comfort made it easier last year. That's a normal human reaction. Is there something you can do to make today easier for yourself?

You're right though, you don't really want him, you just want to feel better and some part of you is saying that he would do that. You know he wouldn't and it would only hurt you long term. What can you do today to make it easier?

I'm so sorry today is so hard for you.

March 10, 2013

.

I don't want to want him!

Understandable. You want to feel the way he made you feel at that time.

March 10, 2013

Understandable. You want to feel the way he made you feel at that time.

Yes. Although a year on, with all that's happened between us, he would probably be no comfort at all.

I've been doing so well NC, it's the right decision in this instance and yet if he contacted me today, I may feel I should reply which I'm sure I'd regret. Yet, if he doesn't contact me, I know I will feel bad also....so no point checking my phone as either way I'm stuffed!

Going to go out for a run!

March 10, 2013

Beyond. You have done amazingly well. Remind yourself how far you've come and how strong you have been all these months. I am still here, trying... This is day 10 for me, but I've been here before and I wish I had stuck to my NC the way you did all these months ago. I want more. He's not leaving. He's strung me along all these months and months. He's not worth the space in my head!!

Let today wash over you. Tomorrow is another day. Stay strong. You are inspirational to me and others like me still trying..

March 10, 2013

It's normal to want the comfort, especially if his comfort made it easier last year. That's a normal human reaction. Is there something you can do to make today easier for yourself?

You're right though, you don't really want him, you just want to feel better and some part of you is saying that he would do that. You know he wouldn't and it would only hurt you long term. What can you do today to make it easier?

I'm so sorry today is so hard for you.

Totally agree with LFH.

It's perfectly normal and the feelings will pass.

I second the motion of finding some other source of comfort for yourself today. Relationships are habits. We end up in a routine and end up relying on certain things and when that person is gone, even if we KNOW they need to leave, there is still an emptiness where that missing habit used to be. But with time, we gain a new normal, a new routine, new comfort etc that do not rely on their presence.

Hope you feel better soon.

(((hugs)))

March 10, 2013

It's normal to want the comfort, especially if his comfort made it easier last year. That's a normal human reaction. Is there something you can do to make today easier for yourself?

You're right though, you don't really want him, you just want to feel better and some part of you is saying that he would do that. You know he wouldn't and it would only hurt you long term. What can you do today to make it easier?

I'm so sorry today is so hard for you.

Thank you LFH.

I went for a run and then have spent the evening with my sister and her family. I'm back home and did check my phone one last time, but I'm sure by tomorrow I'll be relieved he hasn't contacted me as it would just make everything more complicated.

I've had a good stern talk to myself lol, and know it's other factors affecting how I feel about him at the moment .

March 10, 2013

Beyond. You have done amazingly well. Remind yourself how far you've come and how strong you have been all these months. I am still here, trying... This is day 10 for me, but I've been here before and I wish I had stuck to my NC the way you did all these months ago. I want more. He's not leaving. He's strung me along all these months and months. He's not worth the space in my head!!

Let today wash over you. Tomorrow is another day. Stay strong. You are inspirational to me and others like me still trying..

Thank you LL. It's hard to feel I've been strong, and in anyway an inspiration - especially if you could see me now with black streaks down my face (why is waterproof mascara never that waterproof??).

I know in my gut this is the right course of action even though my heart is breaking still and my ego is a little bruised.

Hey, you are on day 10, don't knock that. You have to go through day 10 to get to day 11 and so on....until you feel better. Even then, it seems you can backslide like me today.

Oh LL, I know that feeling of being strung along. I so wanted to believe that wasn't what he was doing, but it was. As bad as I sometimes feel about missing him etc, it still doesn't feel as sickening in my stomach as all those months of hearing he was leaving and never did. Oh the time we waste!!!

Today is mothers day here in UK and I miss my lovely mum who died years ago when I was young. I also would love nothing more than to have my own children, but I'm 38 now so can't quite see that happening.

Anyway, going to allow myself this 'down' day and hopefully wake up tomorrow afresh.

At least I didn't contact him!

xxx

March 10, 2013

Totally agree with LFH.

It's perfectly normal and the feelings will pass.

I second the motion of finding some other source of comfort for yourself today. Relationships are habits. We end up in a routine and end up relying on certain things and when that person is gone, even if we KNOW they need to leave, there is still an emptiness where that missing habit used to be. But with time, we gain a new normal, a new routine, new comfort etc that do not rely on their presence.

Hope you feel better soon.

(((hugs)))

Thank you Miss Bee and hugs back to you too. Totally agree about the habit thing. Changing routines and doing new things is very cliche, but really helpful.

My ex mm wouldn't have actually helped me by contacting me today anyway. I would have agonised about whether to reply or not after all this time and it wouldn't have changed a thing looking at the bigger picture.

The truth is, I'm missing my mum like crazy today ( I miss her everyday, but today is especially hard) and getting a message from a man who hurt me and wanted to make me second best wouldn't have made me feel better....in fact, my mum must be looking down wondering what on earth possessed me to let him back into my life!

March 10, 2013

Oh, and for what it's worth - books have been my saviour these past few months! I find if I I'm totally immersed in a good book (not a romance ) my mind stops the constant questioning of what is he doing, does he miss me, why couldn't he have been honest etc.

Another tip, I got from here months ago, when I first failed at NC was to allow myself a half hour slot to think about him, and for the rest of the day try not to. So, in the day, if my thoughts turned to him, I'd resist and think 'I'll think about him on my journey home from work tonight. It worked for me, because there was no way I could just NOT think about him, so making a set time, meant I was 'free' the rest of the day which really helped healing. You think at first you can't do that, but I'm here to tell you, you CAN. You have the power over your mind.

xx

March 10, 2013

Beyond. I am in the UK and am 38 too

I think we have lots in common.

I actually have always thought that one of the things that first attracted me to exMM was how passionate he was about his role as father (as crazy as that sounds). I have only ever wanted a family. A dream I too see as fading..

He's not a good husband (but she absolutely loves him unquestioningly), but he is a dedicated father. Of course, it's why he will never leave and after several failed attempts, I do actually think its the correct decision for him. It's just unfortunate I believed in him all this time. Wasted all this time etc etc.

Anyway, your suggestion about a good book is a good one. Anything to get me away from the computer and email (or lack of)..

I will try the tip about allocating a time slot to think about him. I can't get him out my head and it is actually now beginning to drive me crazy. I know I need to try to rebuild my life and keep busy. One way I try to counteract my thoughts is to imagine him at home with Wife. E.g. I really wish he was here, with me now... the reason he is not here with me now is that he is sitting watching tv in his house with his Wife. It helps to an extent...

March 11, 2013

[quote=LadyLost;46769

ooooh, you are like my twin forumee!:laugh:

When I first met my ex, when he was single, part of the attraction was he seemed to love children and he was the first man I could actually picture having children with - we did all the picking out of names stuff.

When we met back up and he told me about his children, the reality seemed very different. He sees them as a 'burden' and wishes he could turn back the clock and never had had them. Just this alone put me off him - I wrote about it a bit in the 'respect' thread.

I feel slightly better this morning. I don't think he is happily married, but not unhappy enough to leave. I think he will have more affairs and that bit of excitement will be enough to keep him going through the marriage. His wife seems aware of all this and puts up with it for the sake of the 'family unit'. The whole situation is very sad and a mess.

March 11, 2013

Yes. Although a year on, with all that's happened between us, he would probably be no comfort at all.

I've been doing so well NC, it's the right decision in this instance and yet if he contacted me today, I may feel I should reply which I'm sure I'd regret. Yet, if he doesn't contact me, I know I will feel bad also....so no point checking my phone as either way I'm stuffed!

Going to go out for a run!

Run!!

Today will be gone soon and another year will begin. Next year there could be lots of surprises and not so much angst.

Hoping for you.

Cat

March 11, 2013

I'm so sorry to hear about the sad memories this day brings for you. And you're so right, hearing from someone like that would have been more distressing than comforting. You sound like such a strong, level headed woman. I hope tomorrow you have your 'ice queen' face back on

Thank you for the tip about time allocating. I've heard of that before, but never tried.

March 11, 2013

Run!!

Today will be gone soon and another year will begin. Next year there could be lots of surprises and not so much angst.

Hoping for you.

Thank you Cat, today has been MUCH better - just shows me that however down and hopeless it all seems, things do get better eventually -'every road has a turning' is a phrase my grandmother used to say.
If he's sent a breadcrumb yesterday, and I'd replied, I would feel so cross with myself today, so it's all good.x

March 11, 2013

I'm so sorry to hear about the sad memories this day brings for you. And you're so right, hearing from someone like that would have been more distressing than comforting. You sound like such a strong, level headed woman. I hope tomorrow you have your 'ice queen' face back on

Thank you for the tip about time allocating. I've heard of that before, but never tried.

Thank you Angel, 'ice queen reporting for duty sir!!!!' It's a bit of a joke between my friends and I, because everytime I was meeting my ex, they would tell me to 'act cool', and it's so the opposite of what I'm really like!

Yes, the time tip seemed to work for me, maybe not for everyone. I find sometimes when the 'correct time' comes, the intense feelings have worn off and I can think more logically to about why I was feeling so low earlier, so it works in two ways. It's worth a try

xx

Sign In

Backslide

Recommended Posts

beyond

chaser0195

beyond

LFH

chaser0195

beyond

LadyLost

MissBee

beyond

beyond

beyond

beyond

LadyLost

beyond

Catplates

MyAngel

beyond

beyond

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...