Boyfreind asked to move to next level. My response...

[IAmRobot]

was referring to the guys i end up dating. 2 have ended up stalking me after i broke up with them and they realized they were not in control.

 

IMO it could be a number of things. You can't just say "you are attracted to CFs". Other things come into play.

i.e it might be that:

- only CFs are attracted to you.

- you make guys into CFreaks.

 

A while ago girls would get really clingy on me... I always attributed it to their fault... later on I understood it was actually partially my fault.

 

From what I sense, you do not put out too much. I.e. you always like the man to do most of the work and show more. That means that guys have 2 options: Either

A) Stick with it, invest more, and therefore with more investment comes more sense of control

B) Choose that you're not worth for them to invest more than you're investing in them and LEAVE.

 

Guys A) is the ones you seem to be attracted to just because Guys B) are leaving...

 

Suggestion: Put out more. Send your current BF a cute msg once in a while. Do something romantic for him, out of the blue. Do something to show you're falling for him.

[unevenXchange]

hmmm,definitely something to consider,but honestly the only guy that's "left" is the most recent ex... he faded out, around the time when i failed to acknowledge his birthday... which i did intentionally, because a few weeks prior we had a conversation about our relationship and what direction we're going in. i asked at that point what type of relationship did we have... status. he said we didn't see each other enough(we live in different cities and his job is crazy and our schedules conflict). but so what...he never gave a suggestion as to how to see each other more. so i took that as a slap in the face and decided to pull back so that he wouldn't think that i'm pressuring him or being clingy. i guess i took it to the extreme, because even after he'd asked me months in advance if i knew when his birthday was i said i did. still i DID NOT contact on his birthday, rather 2 weeks after his birthday. he did not respond to any of my calls or text messages for almost a month!

 

why? he didn't seem to really care about the relationship anyway from that last conversation we had about the status of our relationship...

 

now we haven't seen each other in 2 months... i'm the one who has initiated most of our contact always because he's so socially awkward. but even though i initiated most things with him he'd always make sure he treated me well when we were together and did whatever he thought would make me happy. he told his parents how excited and happy he was about me. his parents told my sister that they'd never seen him that happy about any other relationships. our relationship was so right at first. we took our time with getting physical. we had fun together...

 

now we're done... really, but he just texted me today out of the blue(weird)... i've pined over him long enough though and moved on somewhat with thoughts of him in my heart and mind.

[unevenXchange]

and you're right. typically i DO NOT put out more than the guy because i feel more comfortable with them putting out more effort. i do sweet thoughtful gestures as well though...just to be clear.

 

i just am very afraid of guys thinking im clingy or too girlie... though im pretty prissy i don't ever want to be considered clingy...

 

i probably need help really, i'll admit... smh

[muse08]

Perhaps now is the time to start stepping up your game regarding that...

 

I understand where you're coming from OP. The guys SHOULD put forth lots of effort to show you they care, but it's a 2way street. And if they can't step up their game and be open about their feelings to you (problem with your EX) then you have to decide whether or not you want to deal with that.

 

IAMROBOT has some good points...

[muse08]

and you're right. typically i DO NOT put out more than the guy because i feel more comfortable with them putting out more effort. i do sweet thoughtful gestures as well though...just to be clear.

 

i just am very afraid of guys thinking im clingy or too girlie... though im pretty prissy i don't ever want to be considered clingy...

 

i probably need help really, i'll admit... smh

 

Fret not, we all need help.

[surferchic]

Seems to me that you're beating up on yourself too much OP. I understand the thread topic, but you keep going back and forth about how you feel about NG and OG.

 

IMO, you can care for more than one person at a time... It's the truth. I feel like you can even LOVE more than one person at a time. It's happened to several people in this world, but they don't always admit it.

 

If this is the case with you be honest about the fact that you do have strong feelings for both men. Don't necessarily tell them, unless of course you think they are open to hearing something like this or you are ready for a break-up btwn you and your NG.

 

Try being more transparent.

[IAmRobot]

and you're right. typically i DO NOT put out more than the guy because i feel more comfortable with them putting out more effort. i do sweet thoughtful gestures as well though...just to be clear.

 

i just am very afraid of guys thinking im clingy or too girlie... though im pretty prissy i don't ever want to be considered clingy...

 

i probably need help really, i'll admit... smh

 

But that being afraid of being clingy comes from both sides.

 

EVERYONE is insecure in some way of their feelings, (usually cuz everyone at some points got their feelings slapped in their face).

 

Now because of this in a couple relationship there needs to be a person who is "the bigger man" and forgets of all the games and clinginess and doesn't care.

The problem I see is that you cannot be the bigger man. You cannot be active at all. You are always 100% passive. And this confuses guys to the max, since you don't seem that into them (You don't chase them at all and just seem "OK" with what they do... but if they don't do anything you just fade away.... what kind of "Love" is that?).

 

just my impression

[unevenXchange]

You're right...

 

I don't know what I'm doing a lot of times .Maybe I've been pushing men away.

 

He texted me night before last.I didn't respond til next morning because I get up early and didn't hear or see his message til next morning. So I texted back a sweet message apologizing and telling him thanks for the text. Plus I texted him happy Friday yesterday, still he hasn't responded...

[luvflower]

I know plenty of people who are married and say they love each other but mentioned nothing openly about their so called close friends of the opposite sex.

[IAmRobot]

You're right...

 

I don't know what I'm doing a lot of times .Maybe I've been pushing men away.

 

He texted me night before last.I didn't respond til next morning because I get up early and didn't hear or see his message til next morning. So I texted back a sweet message apologizing and telling him thanks for the text. Plus I texted him happy Friday yesterday, still he hasn't responded...

 

Again this all is to make you a better person : ).

Don't be afraid to be nice and caring and initiating with people you get close with. That doesn't mean you have to do all the work, but just do what "feels" right sometimes, without overthinking too much.

 

I see both of your relations have a disbalance.

 

OG honestly seems like he's too much in his head. He's like "your counterpart", in that he's afraid to give you power as much as you're afraid to give him. Idk if I could deal with a person like that, since it'll be hard to make him let go of the "games". You're gonna have to be the "bigger man" most of the time with him. Not a good balance.

 

NG seems like a good guy, more genuine (from what you say). However he's being the "bigger man" most of the time with you. Not a good balance either. One word... don't lead him on. If you honestly care about OG more (since you're replying and thinking of his txts more), DROP NG, the sooner the better.

I know having a safety net is always nice, but you might have to choose between, you being comfortable, or you being a better, more core-valuable person, which will give you tons of self-respect on the long run.

Edited March 16, 2013 by IAmRobot

[unevenXchange]

If you honestly care about OG more (since you're replying and thinking of his txts more), DROP NG, the sooner the better.

 

Thanks. I'm seriously considering all that you're saying, but there may be some confusion. I haven't been in contact much at all w/OG. The texts I've been responding to recently are the NG/current boyfriend. He's the one who I texted yesterday but didn't respond to me after i hadn't responded right away to his texts night before last.

 

He finally responded today after I asked him if he was ok. He was short with me saying "Yes&u."

 

Then I told him I'm feeling like he really doesn't care and takes me as a joke.

 

He asked "where is this coming from".

 

If it were the other way around he'd expect me to respond sooner than later and keep asking me was I sleep or what was I doing. So I said , "I sent you several messages but you didn't respond like you don't understand english.

 

He said " i'm working, calm down".(still not addressing my question, but texting all this other mess)

 

so i say "you're right. sorry. I won't bother you any more."

 

He replied, "you're really tripping today. What's up"

I responded telling him I wasn't tripping. just wanted to avoid conflict. He acts like I'm tripping and what not, but when we get together he complains like a girl sometimes saying I don't take him seriously and I need to be more submissive, etc. All that kind of stuff... I feel like he's intentionally trying to get a rise out of me since he typically thinks I act like I don't care. He said that when he asked me to marry him. He said I was sitting there like I didn't really care about what he was asking me.

 

So this is where we're at right now. These are situations that typically in my dating history cause me to flight... seriously. Maybe I have control issues, but so does he. Remember, this is the guy that told me that since both of us are stubborn, eventually one of us is going to have to humble ourselves and it's NOT going to be him... So as sweet as he seems, he's still stubborn and almost chauvinistic.

 

I don't mind submitting to a man once I know I can trust his decisions and mindset...

Edited March 17, 2013 by unevenXchange

[unevenXchange]

I really really really need to be clear about something. I am not seeing nor am I still in communication with my Ex . He has texted me like once maybe twice in the last month... only to say hope all is well, enjoy your day. not to hook up or anything. I only mentioned him because in the BACK of my mind, I remember some of the good things about him. Like our faith, he doesn't drink or smoke... I don't worry about him getting locked up.

 

Newsflash: Current boyfriend has a record and I sometimes worry about him doing something to get locked up again. So you see, the plot thickens. I didn't want to keep bringing out negative stuff, but you have to know these details in order to paint a more accurate picture and so I don't seem like the villain. If anything, I probably should have never stayed with him. He has 2 kids w/ 2 different women. THIS...is why I'm not trying to move too fast with him and he knows my view on that.

 

Please try trusting me when I say I'm trying to do the right thing by being fair to him but also being fair to myself in order to keep my sanity and dignity.

[IAmRobot]

NG is giving you a taste of your own medicine...

That's what happens when you seem like you don't care. The other person just trips out and gets hurt. That's what happened to him when he asked you to marry him.

 

So my advice after all this is:

 

First decide if NG is the right guy for you and for your family.

Will you want this man to be the father of your children? Or are you too afraid he's gonna get locked up any day?

 

If you decide that he is the right guy, then go with it 100%. Don't hold back.

If you decide he's not the right guy, dump him right away. It will seem "unsafe", but in the long run it will open you up to more dating and meeting better/more compatible guys.

[muse08]

well that's truly a newsflash~~~

 

I used to date a guy with a record. He was sweet as ever...protective too, but almost possessive. It go worse as we dated. He also tried to get me pregnant several times as if that were going to make us be together permanently. When I wanted to have my own space rather than him staying at my spot so I could get up on time in the mornings he would barely leave and give me a guilt trip before finally leaving.

 

Be careful. Your current boyfriend seems sweet of course, but I'm feeling like he's holding back part of his true character to prevent turning you off completely before you both get more serious. Then he may flip the script and become even more controlling and want you to be "barefoot and pregnant". Honestly, that's the impression I get from him already... No harm intended...

[unevenXchange]

Thanks muse08 & iamrobot.

 

@iamrobot...why do you think it may seem "unsafe"...?

[IAmRobot]

Thanks muse08 & iamrobot.

 

@iamrobot...why do you think it may seem "unsafe"...?

 

From my experience, it's always hard to let someone go without another (better) option at hand (unless the said person does something super wrong, like fighting/arguing, cheating, etc.). There's that subconscious "fear" or "anxiety" that you might end up alone and/or lose that comfort level that you have now.

 

However, you'll see that in the long run it will be A TON better to let go off someone that you are not compatible with.

 

And honestly, if you value family a lot (like I do), then you SHOULD BE skeptical about a guy who has 2 kids with 2 different wives and has been locked up before. I would probably not marry a woman in that spot.

[unevenXchange]

From my experience, it's always hard to let someone go without another (better) option at hand (unless the said person does something super wrong, like fighting/arguing, cheating, etc.). There's that subconscious "fear" or "anxiety" that you might end up alone and/or lose that comfort level that you have now.

 

However, you'll see that in the long run it will be A TON better to let go off someone that you are not compatible with.

 

And honestly, if you value family a lot (like I do), then you SHOULD BE skeptical about a guy who has 2 kids with 2 different wives and has been locked up before. I would probably not marry a woman in that spot.

ok, i see... figured that was what you meant.

 

yep, i'm feeling a little bit of anxiety right now especially seeing how he just had one of his boys over the other night...seemingly role playing bringing up marriage to me and telling my boyfriend that he needs to marry me. Mind you we'd already had the "will you marry me" conversation.

 

i typically don't have a back up guy when i break up w/a guy, but still i didn't intend to be thinking about breaking up with him so soon... gosh... life is so freaking unpredictable and messed up sometimes.

[unevenXchange]

and yes! i value family a great deal. this is why i keep telling him i'm in no hurry to have kids just because he wants me pregnant. crazy fool...lol. sorry had to get that out.

 

now that i'm really in this zone of reflection, i think he can sense that i'm slipping away. we're usually on the same wavelength and can finish each other sentences and what not. so even though we may not be completely compatible, we have a connection that i will always cherish...

[unevenXchange]

so what could that conversation look like/sound like when letting him know that we need to part ways...? he could very well be feeling the same way.

 

 

• NG, the fact is that i care for and love you and i love the connection that we have. the issue we face right now is that i think we're finding out that we're not really compatible. from what i hear you say, you want things from me that i'm not able to give you. and vice versa. i appreciate every bit of time we've shared and things i've learned from you, but when it feels like there's a cloud hovering over my spirit more often than not with regards to "us", it's time to let go. i think it's the best decision for us both.
  
• NG, please know that my love for you was real. unfortunately, i don't have all the tools necessary to accept everything coming from you right now. some of your expectations are a bit unreasonable , while other expectations are fair, but i'm personally just unable to live up to them.
  
• NG, i think it's time we be real with one another and part ways. we're on a bumpy road right now of not return. i don't like conflict. you say you don't either but you find ways to cause it or to complain about how i respond to you or how i should act or think. i am me... i wouldn't be me if i kept changing to adapt to all your expectations. right now, i'm feeling overwhelmed and i need that to end.
  

any other advice welcomed.

[IAmRobot]

so what could that conversation look like/sound like when letting him know that we need to part ways...? he could very well be feeling the same way.

 

 

• NG, the fact is that i care for and love you and i love the connection that we have. the issue we face right now is that i think we're finding out that we're not really compatible. from what i hear you say, you want things from me that i'm not able to give you. and vice versa. i appreciate every bit of time we've shared and things i've learned from you, but when it feels like there's a cloud hovering over my spirit more often than not with regards to "us", it's time to let go. i think it's the best decision for us both.
  
• NG, please know that my love for you was real. unfortunately, i don't have all the tools necessary to accept everything coming from you right now. some of your expectations are a bit unreasonable , while other expectations are fair, but i'm personally just unable to live up to them.
  
• NG, i think it's time we be real with one another and part ways. we're on a bumpy road right now of not return. i don't like conflict. you say you don't either but you find ways to cause it or to complain about how i respond to you or how i should act or think. i am me... i wouldn't be me if i kept changing to adapt to all your expectations. right now, i'm feeling overwhelmed and i need that to end.
  

any other advice welcomed.

 

Don't think about it too much. But be real, not polite.

 

Tell him that you are simply incompatible in your values in the long run and unfortunately he does not have the best "track record" in the family department and you'll never be able to fully trust him with a family. Therefore it is best if both cut your losses and look for it elsewhere.

 

He'll get his heart broken, but he ll get over it soon.

[unevenXchange]

Don't think about it too much. But be real, not polite.

 

Tell him that you are simply incompatible in your values in the long run and unfortunately he does not have the best "track record" in the family department and you'll never be able to fully trust him with a family. Therefore it is best if both cut your losses and look for it elsewhere.

 

He'll get his heart broken, but he ll get over it soon.

 

Yep, sounds about how I'd say it. I think he feels me slipping away. I feel like we're both slipping away really even though we were just talking about how much we missed each other. We were about to plan to see each other, now I'm no longer motivated to see him.

 

I'll probably text or call him this afternoon or leave it on his voice mail if he doesn't pick up. He already senses something is not right. I feel like I need to just get this over with and out of my system. I'm feeling like my spirit is being rained on right now.

[surferchic]

Just make sure you're ready and really want to do this. Do you really want to let him go?

[unevenXchange]

yes i am ready.i'm sad, but i'm ready to stand up for my own sense of peace and dignity.i don't even have a back up man, but i never do...

 

but should i definitely call him or just go ahead and text it. it could possibly be the wrong time if i call since sundays are his football day. sometimes his boys and his little son will come over and so do i...

 

so i think i'm going to just text it to him.

[unevenXchange]

well it's over. told him right before noon today and i kind of crappy. i hate we never got a chance to see one another again and i know that he is going to avoid acknowledging the message just to be stubborn...

 

i know i needed to do it FOR SEVERAL REASONS, but i'm not feeling th ebest right now at all.

 

should i tell him to call me (to discuss it further or just out of courtesy since i texted it not called)

Edited March 17, 2013 by unevenXchange

[surferchic]

well, looks like you did what you knew you had to do! stay strong!