IAmRobot Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Won't let me edit: EDIT: The macho front is usually just a wall to prevent people from getting emotionally hurt and exists in most people, since we all guy hurt at some point... Don't think it has anything to do with his private areas :
IAmRobot Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Last reply (I swear)... I just read your last post and you say your OG "Didn't express feelings as much as you'd like him" and "You're more expressive than him" To NG who you're saying "Is expressing his feelings too much" and "You're colder / less expressive to him"..... On top of that you say OG was a better catch......... See the pattern about who's the one-up / one-down in the relationship each time? 1
Author unevenXchange Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 OP, this could just be how you present things but you do seem rather...detached. I know you've said you love him and that you miss him, but you've also said that you're not sure and you're still thinking about your ex at times at you're tired of starting over. Those things are all valid, but to me they = don't. get. married. I don't know if you talk in that detached way in real life, or if that's just your posting style, but since the various people in your life have said you seem cold, I'm guessing it's a theme for you, and it's how you create distance for yourself and maintain autonomy. I wonder why you feel such a need to create distance. It may have to do with whatever you don't want to talk about here, and you don't have to. But it's something to think about. It seems more significant than just "I don't express my feelings strongly." Anyway, that aside - honestly, the bit about how he keeps trying to get you pregnant when he knows you don't want that is seriously off, to me. Aren't you a little freaked out by that? I sure would be. It would be one thing if it was an accident, but you've told it as though he has tried several times - condom slipped off, pulled out, etc. - and was disappointed each time it didn't happen. And then, he didn't just want to marry you but in practically the same breath says he wants you to have his baby. Despite you previously making it clear (I assume?) that you're not sure whether you want that, at least not now. That's, um...pushy, to put it mildly. What the heck is going on there?? Is this a dominating thing, because he feels like - as the more detached person in the relationship - you have the upper hand, and this will bind you to him? Eek. I'm just saying, are you genuinely comfortable with this? I know that things get lost in the translation from life to screen, but...yeesh, something about that seems really off to me. To be honest, no I'm not completely comfortable with him wanting me to be pregnant so badly. I don't think I'm that detached... at least I don't feel that way. So I don't feel like I'll be bound to him... He's not sexually or emotionally inexperienced, maybe immature but not inexperienced. He's more experienced than me.
Author unevenXchange Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 (edited) Last reply (I swear)... I just read your last post and you say your OG "Didn't express feelings as much as you'd like him" and "You're more expressive than him" To NG who you're saying "Is expressing his feelings too much" and "You're colder / less expressive to him"..... On top of that you say OG was a better catch......... See the pattern about who's the one-up / one-down in the relationship each time? yes yes yes... i see the pattern. but how does that happen? am i projecting old stuff on to the NG? just to be clear, NG is not expressing feelings too much IMO. maybe too intensely in terms of the baby stuff, but otherwise it's just right for me. the only issue i have really is how fixated he is on getting me prego and that he tries acting like he's not affected when other guys/an ex call my phone, flirt with me or stare, but then he goes and tries to tell me what not to wear (he thought a dress i wore once showed too much of my figure so he told me to go change jokingly;maybe he was joking...he got turned on by what i was wearing so i know he liked it maybe just not for everyone else to see;i laughed it off and kept the dress on of course), tries getting me pregnant and now asks me to marry him... it's confusing to me... Edited March 14, 2013 by unevenXchange
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 yes yes yes... i see the pattern. but how does that happen? am i projecting old stuff on to the NG? just to be clear, NG is not expressing feelings too much IMO. maybe too intensely in terms of the baby stuff, but otherwise it's just right for me. the only issue i have really is how fixated he is on getting me prego and that he tries acting like he's not affected when other guys/an ex call my phone, flirt with me or stare, but then he goes and tries to tell me what not to wear (he thought a dress i wore once showed too much of my figure so he told me to go change jokingly;maybe he was joking...he got turned on by what i was wearing so i know he liked it maybe just not for everyone else to see;i laughed it off and kept the dress on of course), tries getting me pregnant and now asks me to marry him... it's confusing to me... hahahaha wowwwww you sound EXACTLY like one of my good friends. Exact same situation. Do you live in New York by any chance? This entire thread is the same as her current situation. I knew both guys. The old bf is really cool and the new bf is lame as hell. Go back to the old one, Meg!
Author unevenXchange Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 Ouchhhh that was coold as ****.... And he doesn't appear too macho from your description... more like an emotional goof. You still didn't tell us why OG was a better catch.... Just because he is now a 'mirage'. I.e fantasy > reality? Again reread my post on the last page. I honestly feel bad for the guy since he's madly in love and you seem to just "be going with it". i only felt like OG was a better catch because: my sister introduced us, so i felt like he was "safer"we share the same faithhe's more financially stablehe doesn't smokeno kidsmore ample private area, when he could keep it up. he had to take meds though bcuz he had issues with ED you guys are probably thinking i'm a mess...lol. i know, i am in some regards and my luck is so uggghhh sometimes... but i'm trying to get better, i really am.
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 i only felt like OG was a better catch because: my sister introduced us, so i felt like he was "safer"we share the same faithhe's more financially stablehe doesn't smokeno kidsmore ample private area, when he could keep it up. he had to take meds though bcuz he had issues with ED you guys are probably thinking i'm a mess...lol. i know, i am in some regards and my luck is so uggghhh sometimes... but i'm trying to get better, i really am. LOL what? How old is he?
Author unevenXchange Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 hahahaha wowwwww you sound EXACTLY like one of my good friends. Exact same situation. Do you live in New York by any chance? This entire thread is the same as her current situation. I knew both guys. The old bf is really cool and the new bf is lame as hell. Go back to the old one, Meg! whoa... chill out. i don't live in NY, nor is my name Meg... sorry
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 whoa... chill out. i don't live in NY, nor is my name Meg... sorry The advice stands! (well not now that we've learned about the ED). And the plot thickens....
Author unevenXchange Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 LOL what? How old is he? lol. he's in his mid 30s as well.
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 lol. he's in his mid 30s as well. Ahhh yeah getting up there. Okay, I say stick with him! But get him to go to the gym...he'll increase his testosterone and decrease the ED. You're welcome in advance.
Author unevenXchange Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 Ahhh yeah getting up there. Okay, I say stick with him! But get him to go to the gym...he'll increase his testosterone and decrease the ED. You're welcome in advance. yeah thanks! but here's the kicker.............. my ex is the one w/ED but he works out a lot because he has to be in shape for his job. my current boyfriend does not work out at all.... and he doesn't seem to have any problems w/ED... i think my ex's problem is that he uses a lot of protein shakes, performance enhancers, etc and i think he has some anxiety issues. see how my luck goes...crazy! plus, ex is really out of the picture at this point. it's not like he sitting around waiting for me to get back with him. though his ED was an issue. he once told me this when I asked him if he'd taken a male enhancement drug because he'd performed so well: "yes, i took a pill. i knew i couldn't continue to not please you"... that pulled at my heart strings... plus he'd make sure he was a gentleman mostly always... soft spot in my heart for him.
IAmRobot Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 (edited) yes yes yes... i see the pattern. but how does that happen? am i projecting old stuff on to the NG? just to be clear, NG is not expressing feelings too much IMO. maybe too intensely in terms of the baby stuff, but otherwise it's just right for me. the only issue i have really is how fixated he is on getting me prego and that he tries acting like he's not affected when other guys/an ex call my phone, flirt with me or stare, but then he goes and tries to tell me what not to wear (he thought a dress i wore once showed too much of my figure so he told me to go change jokingly;maybe he was joking...he got turned on by what i was wearing so i know he liked it maybe just not for everyone else to see;i laughed it off and kept the dress on of course), tries getting me pregnant and now asks me to marry him... it's confusing to me... The pattern means.... You are not as attracted to NG... I am sorry... and I am really sorry for NG, since I have been in that spot before. You may say you're in love. You may say you miss him, but you probably just miss the comfort that he gives you... Was OG better looking? (You say he was more in shape) EDIT: Also the fact that he seems so "in love" with you, helps you get less attracted. You see we cling only to what we're in risk of losing. You are not in risk of losing him, therefore do not need him. He on the other hand is in risk of losing you, therefore clinging onto you. If you really like the guy tell him, to be more aloof and do more stuff on his own, to make him more attractive. It just Might work. EDIT2: Just out of curiosity. How "not ample" are his private areas? Edited March 14, 2013 by IAmRobot
Author unevenXchange Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 The pattern means.... You are not as attracted to NG... I am sorry... and I am really sorry for NG, since I have been in that spot before. You may say you're in love. You may say you miss him, but you probably just miss the comfort that he gives you... Was OG better looking? (You say he was more in shape) EDIT: Also the fact that he seems so "in love" with you, helps you get less attracted. You see we cling only to what we're in risk of losing. You are not in risk of losing him, therefore do not need him. He on the other hand is in risk of losing you, therefore clinging onto you. If you really like the guy tell him, to be more aloof and do more stuff on his own, to make him more attractive. It just Might work. EDIT2: Just out of curiosity. How "not ample" are his private areas? OG is not that much more attractive,just different. Body is muscular though yes of course because he works out. NG has a swag that outweighs OG... plus he's taller and more down to earth. Those are qualities that I can truly appreciate. His private parts are not that small but its challenging to climax when its erect. I don't talk to him like this or tell him my feelings about this stuff. Im only expressing this stuff online because ...its anonymous and I need to vent.
Author unevenXchange Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 The pattern means.... You are not as attracted to NG... I am sorry... and I am really sorry for NG, since I have been in that spot before. You may say you're in love. You may say you miss him, but you probably just miss the comfort that he gives you... Was OG better looking? (You say he was more in shape) EDIT: Also the fact that he seems so "in love" with you, helps you get less attracted. You see we cling only to what we're in risk of losing. You are not in risk of losing him, therefore do not need him. He on the other hand is in risk of losing you, therefore clinging onto you. If you really like the guy tell him, to be more aloof and do more stuff on his own, to make him more attractive. It just Might work. EDIT2: Just out of curiosity. How "not ample" are his private areas? I don't want him to change.I don't like telling people how to act because that means they'll be being fake.if that's not how he is naturally then I'll have to either deal with it or not.same with him dealing with me the way I am. I like him the way he is, its just that I get confused by him being macho AND so intense at the same time. that's my REAL concern. Please refer to my old thread about OG. I think that'll give the really reason why I don't think its wise to ever get back with him.
muse08 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 OP, i skimmed through your old thread. Your ex seems to be a bit of a control freak(to the extreme). And it sounds like he wanted to maintain an "under control" facade. I don't think it's wise to go back to him, but I also feel like situations like these come up sometime to make us realize what's truly important to us. Similar to what another poster said, you have to decide what's important to you and which things are deal breakers... I know how a nice body can be very appealing, but if he's potentially violent then what is there to ponder over, unless you thrive on violence and drama.Your current boyfriend sounds more like someone I'd want to keep...doesn't make you second guess the relationship or wonder if he cares. Try gravitating to that which feels natural, rather than gravitating to that which you THINK is right for everyone else around you. 1
Author unevenXchange Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 well, yes OG is a control freak. question, is this how most men are? NG is like this in a way, but he's more verbal about it. i'm so confused right now...
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 Most men are not control freaks. Perhaps there is something appealing about these types and that is why you end up dating controlling men? I don't know. Is this a pattern for you?
FitChick Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 By getting you pregnant, you will be "his." No other man will want you pregnant and/or with a kid. Very controlling and insecure. He is the male equivalent of a woman who deliberately gets pregnant to trap a guy. Don't trust him to use birth control. Take the Pill or take the injection or implant or IUD or buy Encare ovals that you insert yourself so you will always have control. Did he get his ex pregnant to control her? Hmm, didn't really work, did it? How often does he see his own child? Does he want to see it more often? Next time he brings up pregnancy say, "Oh honey you miss little New Guy Jr. don't you. Why don't we have him over some weekend and go camping?" His reaction will be revealing. 1
Author unevenXchange Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 Most men are not control freaks. Perhaps there is something appealing about these types and that is why you end up dating controlling men? I don't know. Is this a pattern for you? never really thought about it until this year, but it seems to be a pattern now... my dad was a CF to the extreme. it's why my mom left him.
Cutiepie1976 Posted March 15, 2013 Posted March 15, 2013 Whatever you do, remember that being controlling with someone else is many things (insecurity, etc.) but is never a sign of love.
Author unevenXchange Posted March 15, 2013 Author Posted March 15, 2013 yep, i know... a sad truth about me and what i've been attracted to...
luvflower Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 yep, i know... a sad truth about me and what i've been attracted to... Are you saying you're controlling or just the men you've been attracted to are controlling?
Author unevenXchange Posted March 16, 2013 Author Posted March 16, 2013 (edited) was referring to the guys i end up dating. 2 have ended up stalking me after i broke up with them and they realized they were not in control. Edited March 16, 2013 by unevenXchange
luvflower Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 That can be problematic. It's good you at least recognize this. One of my girlfriends used to be the same way until one day she put her foot down and lost her fiance once she decided to stand up to him. She ended up marrying a better guy 3 years later...
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