Boyfreind asked to move to next level. My response...

[Cutiepie1976]

You're welcome.

 

Most people want to get married eventually, but that doesn't necessarily make the person in front of you right for you.

 

You don't date every guy who asks you out, do you? Nor do you date someone just because you said no to the guy just before him, right? Same is true of marriage. You don't have to marry every guy who proposes. Marrying someone because you are concerned you might not get lucky three times would be a mistake. You will know when it's the right guy. Marriage is a significant commitment, hopefully a lifetime one. Make sure you're picking the right person to share your life.

 

You haven't told us enough to know whether this guy is right for you. What I sense, however, is a lack of enthusiasm on your part and possible ambivalence. Again, not sure if it's just your style to question everything or if you are truly ambivalent. What I will say, is pay attention to your intuition. It's almost never wrong.

 

As to his comment about you bending to his will after you're married, don't discount it out of hand. Some guys (and women too) change after the wedding, although there are warning signs before rings change hands. It's possible he's playing nice while he convinces you to marry him. I don't know. Figure it out rather than just dismissing it.

 

Also was the idea to get you pregnant a joint idea, or primarily his? You mentioned that you would like to marry first and were surprised at his focus on trying to have a kid with you, and how disappointed he was when he didn't. I may have missed this, but what are your ages?

 

ETA:

 

I see you're both mid-thirties.

Edited March 11, 2013 by Cutiepie1976

[unevenXchange]

It was his idea to try getting me pregnant...definitely! First time, the condom came off, but thankfully I didn't get pregnant. After that he tried pulling out but didn't in time.

 

This made me extra careful and paranoid when we sleep together bcuz I know what he wants and he gets bothered/ sad when he finds out im not pregnant...

 

Knowing this how can I be enthused about marriage with him??? Why would I... im too busy wondering why he's in such a hurry to get me pregnant.

 

I do analyze things a lot ..it is my style so to speak. We're both in our mid thirties but it probably seems like we're younger by the way this discussion is going. Its just that im kind of naive when it comes to certain things. My previous boyfriend was also crazy about getting me pregnant and got upset when finding out I wasn't... I don't understand that. Dont they know that s more child support and me getting a big old belly,etc...

[iKING]

It was his idea to try getting me pregnant...definitely! First time, the condom came off, but thankfully I didn't get pregnant. After that he tried pulling out but didn't in time.

 

This made me extra careful and paranoid when we sleep together bcuz I know what he wants and he gets bothered/ sad when he finds out im not pregnant...

 

Knowing this how can I be enthused about marriage with him??? Why would I... im too busy wondering why he's in such a hurry to get me pregnant.

 

I do analyze things a lot ..it is my style so to speak. We're both in our mid thirties but it probably seems like we're younger by the way this discussion is going. Its just that im kind of naive when it comes to certain things. My previous boyfriend was also crazy about getting me pregnant and got upset when finding out I wasn't... I don't understand that. Dont they know that s more child support and me getting a big old belly,etc...

 

They've been thinking with the wrong head. If he's seriously considering it you could try sending him this link cost-of-raising-child-calculator and see if it slows his roll. The reasoning may be either that you're a highly suitable mate to reproduce with (which is a compliment really ), he's seriously that in love with you, or he wants kids before both you and him get older and it gets much harder to have them (less fertility).

 

It's cute, but not entirely rational. Only consider it if you're seriously contemplating spending the next 10-20 years with him. A child growing up without a constant father figure around can cause serious problems to the child's mental development and social skills.

[Cutiepie1976]

Goodness knows none of us is perfect. So I hate to criticize. Suffice it to say, there's quite a bit that should cause you concern here.

 

You'll have to decide: whether

1. The good outweighs the bad
   
2. You truly have real feelings for him or are in a sense settling because you worry a guy who is a better fit won't come along and marry you.
   

 

Again, no one is perfect. There's no absolute right or wrong option, but there are things that you've described here that would give me serious pause, if not cause me to walk away. But that's me.

 

Best with your decision either way!

[unevenXchange]

They've been thinking with the wrong head. If he's seriously considering it you could try sending him this link cost-of-raising-child-calculator and see if it slows his roll. The reasoning may be either that you're a highly suitable mate to reproduce with (which is a compliment really ), he's seriously that in love with you, or he wants kids before both you and him get older and it gets much harder to have them (less fertility).

 

It's cute, but not entirely rational. Only consider it if you're seriously contemplating spending the next 10-20 years with him. A child growing up without a constant father figure around can cause serious problems to the child's mental development and social skills.

 

you're funny...lol

 

perhaps you're right about all of what you said. he just called,btw...

[unevenXchange]

You'll have to decide: whether

1. The good outweighs the bad
   
2. You truly have real feelings for him or are in a sense settling because you worry a guy who is a better fit won't come along and marry you.

1. not sure...

2. i do truly have feelings for him; miss him when we're away; we finish each others' thoughts and sentences; our touches are amazing even when we're not making love...

 

 

 

i'm serious. i'm trying to figure this ish out... i don't want to hurt him but i also don't want to sacrifice my happiness. just fyi, i don't have a problem meeting men or getting into relationships, btw. i'm tired of starting over though.

[muse08]

the fact that you're thinking about these things is good... IMO it means you're checking yourself.

 

how often do you both discuss your feelings with one another?

[Cutiepie1976]

1. not sure...

2. i do truly have feelings for him; miss him when we're away; we finish each others' thoughts and sentences; our touches are amazing even when we're not making love...

 

 

 

i'm serious. i'm trying to figure this ish out... i don't want to hurt him but i also don't want to sacrifice my happiness. just fyi, i don't have a problem meeting men or getting into relationships, btw. i'm tired of starting over though.

 

Well, I wasn't implying that you have difficulty finding men. Quite the contrary. By suggesting that you focus on making sure you pick the right guy to marry, I assumed you would have plenty of other choices and proposals if this particular guy wasn't right. I can certainly empathize with not wanting to start over again. But that is no reason to settle for someone who isn't right. You will be spending a long time with this person. You will be truly miserable if he is wrong for you. Don't feel pressured or rushed into picking a particular guy. Divorce is much harder and more difficult than breaking up with a boyfriend and starting fresh with a new guy.

 

You have the right approach to this. Good luck!

[unevenXchange]

thanks. but i just want to clarify... i didn't mean to come across conceited, btw. just wanted to make the point that i'm not afraid of not finding another guy, nor am i afraid of being alone. i actually enjoy my time to focus on me. i just don't want to keep starting over/putting another notch in my belt/figuring out some else's personality/etc.

 

it'd be nice if my boyfriend is the man i'm supposed to be with long term...

 

how many of you believe that it's human nature to be with only one person for the rest of their life?

[muse08]

thanks. but i just want to clarify... i didn't mean to come across conceited, btw. just wanted to make the point that i'm not afraid of not finding another guy, nor am i afraid of being alone. i actually enjoy my time to focus on me. i just don't want to keep starting over/putting another notch in my belt/figuring out some else's personality/etc.

 

I feel you... it's good to realize that though, whether it's challenging or not meeting men.

[Cutiepie1976]

Not conceited at all...

 

To answer your question, I believe a majority (but not all) people are meant to be a part of a long-term couple. It's why everyone continues to try after each heartbreak. Why would a rational person be driven to risk being repeatedly hurt? Why are most songs about love or heartbreak? Why not sing about work and sleep, the two activities that will consume most of the hours in our day?

[unevenXchange]

Not conceited at all...

 

To answer your question, I believe a majority (but not all) people are meant to be a part of a long-term couple. It's why everyone continues to try after each heartbreak. Why would a rational person be driven to risk being repeatedly hurt? Why are most songs about love or heartbreak? Why not sing about work and sleep, the two activities that will consume most of the hours in our day?

 

thanks for the response!

 

i guess most people do yearn to be connected with another person long term. however, to be very honest right now, my self along with several people in the world feel like people are going to stray eventually so what's the point of being a couple?

 

personally, i grew up with 2 sisters. our mother divorced our father when I was 6 yrs old (I'm the oldest). she has never remarried. since then we all have trouble having stable relationships. we've seen so many friends and family members not be faithful to the point where it makes me pause and think i need to hold out as long as possible or not expect to be in a long term relationship or marriage. but---------------- i do not DO NOT want to be single for the rest of my life...

 

hmmm...

[luvflower]

well, there are still some of use out there who really value companionship between only 2 people.

 

perhaps you just don't care enough about your current boyfriend to make it work. if you do care, try to avoid making him feel like you're second guessing HIM, even if you're second guessing YOURSELF. no harm intended, just have to be careful w/ a man's ego especially when he cares for you as this guys seems like he cares for you.

[luvflower]

It appears to me that you are over analyzing the relationship. Just be open, honest and yourself without putting rules and expectations on things. Those things can be a real emotional intimacy killer. Live in the here and now because that is the only thing you have control over. When you try to control the future by requiring someone to change then you will constantly be disappointed. Plus it takes all of the excitement of getting to know someone. It puts up roadblocks and prevents the relationship from growing in a natural way.

 

 

OP, reread this^

[unevenXchange]

OP, reread this^

 

Hmmm, just re-read it. I kind of agree w/that post and kind of don't.

 

I DO b/c I believe in allowing the natural course to take place in relationships.

 

However, we are getting more and more intimate each time we see each other (we live in different cities but manage to see each other once sometimes twice a week). And it seems like his emotions get more intense as well each time we see each other. Remember, if he had his say right now, I'd be living with him... spice4life & luvflower do you think that's the natural flow of things...you think I should move in with him. I fill like I want to but I know it will only mess things up in the long term, IMO. "Been there, done that" is what I told him. He replied, "Well you have never done that with ME".

 

So the natural flow of things for me has not seemed to work out in the past, so I feel like I need to do some things differently now, like have MORE rules and expectations... Hopefully that make sense...

[unevenXchange]

So I feel compelled to share (describe the way he asked me to marry him) this because I feel like a few of the earlier posters felt like I didn't appreciate my boyfriend and like he isn't smooth at all...

 

He is smooth though... and the way he asked me that night was TRULY sweet to me! Though he didn't plan it of course because he had no ring, shucks. So here's how it went down in detail...lol.

 

It was around 11:oo pm. We'd been laying and just talking for a while about silly mundane stuff. Then we did "the deed" and talked some more.Then he got really quiet... and I think he may have said something and I didn't respond like he expected me to so he sat up on the edge of the bed and started rambling about how we seem to not be on the same page so he was going to go out for a smoke or a walk or something.I asked him was he ok. Mind you he never talks like that, plus it was late at night... so I was really confused and asked him what was wrong, again. He started saying "i'm sitting here telling you how i feel and it's like you're not taking me seriously." i felt like he expected me to read his mind, because honestly, i didn't know what on earth he was referring to". he laid back down beside me, looking at me and started saying "jane, i keep trying to tell you that i want to be with you. you already know that i want to be with you like forever...but you don't seem to get that. you know i love you." i'm like "john, what are you talking about? you know i love you". so he cups my face in both his hands and says "ok, then jane... i want you to marry me.will you?" it was rather dark with only light shining in through the bedroom window. so he reached to the other side of him to turn on the lamp which shined ALL in my face, btw. so he asked me again, while bringing my face closer to his and looking me clear in my eyes, cupping my face in his hands again. "baby, will you marry me? i want you to be my wife. i can't believe i'm even doing this. but will you, will you marry me?" so i was like in shock because remember, i had been confused by his rambling... so i said," oh, baby that is sooo sweet! you know we have a lot to work on. but i will marry you, yes after we work on some things". we kept talking about it somehow and he kissed me so many times we kissed and smiled and kissed more and he asked me again this time also asking me if i would have his child. "baby, i'm asking you because i really love you, will you have my baby. most women ask men to have their child, but i'm asking you, will you please...PLEASE have my child?(still holding my face)". now, on this question I was not agreeable and told him i was not ready/we are not ready to have a child... but he was happy that i gave him hope in terms of the idea of marriage.i was happy too but still in shock! because of the way he started rambling...i guess he was nervous??? we slept in each others arms with an extra sense of happiness that night.it was like a dream almost.

 

(excuse lack of capitalization. wz just trying to get it all out!)

[muse08]

wow, lengthy post...lol, but it really was sweet. cupping of the face is sensual, especially coupled with the lights turned on to look you in the eyes to see how sincere you are or are not... think about that...

 

this guy sounds like he tries to be macho, but has a soft spot for you. i'm suggesting you tread carefully so that you're not making promises you can't keep (in terms of being with him long term) and also be careful as to not play with his emotions.

 

similar to what another poster said before, your guy seems pretty intense. that's not necessarily a bad thing, but it CAN be if he doesn't get his way or gets highly upset with you. sounds like he's putting his feelings out there for you.

 

don't be fake, but if you feel a certain way that's positive try opening up and letting him know a little more...that is if you feel compelled to do so. however, keep things in perspective.

[Driftking102]

So I feel compelled to share (describe the way he asked me to marry him) this because I feel like a few of the earlier posters felt like I didn't appreciate my boyfriend and like he isn't smooth at all...

 

He is smooth though... and the way he asked me that night was TRULY sweet to me! Though he didn't plan it of course because he had no ring, shucks. So here's how it went down in detail...lol.

 

It was around 11:oo pm. We'd been laying and just talking for a while about silly mundane stuff. Then we did "the deed" and talked some more.Then he got really quiet... and I think he may have said something and I didn't respond like he expected me to so he sat up on the edge of the bed and started rambling about how we seem to not be on the same page so he was going to go out for a smoke or a walk or something.I asked him was he ok. Mind you he never talks like that, plus it was late at night... so I was really confused and asked him what was wrong, again. He started saying "i'm sitting here telling you how i feel and it's like you're not taking me seriously." i felt like he expected me to read his mind, because honestly, i didn't know what on earth he was referring to". he laid back down beside me, looking at me and started saying "jane, i keep trying to tell you that i want to be with you. you already know that i want to be with you like forever...but you don't seem to get that. you know i love you." i'm like "john, what are you talking about? you know i love you". so he cups my face in both his hands and says "ok, then jane... i want you to marry me.will you?" it was rather dark with only light shining in through the bedroom window. so he reached to the other side of him to turn on the lamp which shined ALL in my face, btw. so he asked me again, while bringing my face closer to his and looking me clear in my eyes, cupping my face in his hands again. "baby, will you marry me? i want you to be my wife. i can't believe i'm even doing this. but will you, will you marry me?" so i was like in shock because remember, i had been confused by his rambling... so i said," oh, baby that is sooo sweet! you know we have a lot to work on. but i will marry you, yes after we work on some things". we kept talking about it somehow and he kissed me so many times we kissed and smiled and kissed more and he asked me again this time also asking me if i would have his child. "baby, i'm asking you because i really love you, will you have my baby. most women ask men to have their child, but i'm asking you, will you please...PLEASE have my child?(still holding my face)". now, on this question I was not agreeable and told him i was not ready/we are not ready to have a child... but he was happy that i gave him hope in terms of the idea of marriage.i was happy too but still in shock! because of the way he started rambling...i guess he was nervous??? we slept in each others arms with an extra sense of happiness that night.it was like a dream almost.

 

(excuse lack of capitalization. wz just trying to get it all out!)

 

Even I would have presented marriage better then this guy did. Not trying to rag on him, but if you were truly his one, he would of planned it out instead of doing that. Shining a lot on your face? This guys an idiot obviously. If you really meant that much to him, he would have done it in a romantic way.

[IAmRobot]

yep, points well taken.

 

*note: a few days ago his buddy comes over to his place and stays for a while. i felt like they'd planned the whole conversation out... his buddy brings up the topic of marriage. and said to my boyfriend that he should marry me.then waited for me to respond but i didn't and he said jovially, she doesn't want to be married. i responded saying yes i do,when the time is right. he went on about something else related to marriage. my boyfriend was in the kitchen supposedly doing something, but i think he was listening in on our conversation...HARD...

 

Things to work on:

 

• our communication -we're both stubborn and admittedly so. he's clearly said that one of us is going to have to bend at some point, but he's NOT going to be the one who's going to bend
  

 

• (me)being more expressive of my feelings. i've been told by others that seems cold, aloof, etc. current boyfriend says that it seems as if his feelings are not a big deal to me;"i'm asking you to have my child AND marry me, but you're acting like it's not a big deal (probably b/c i didn't say much b/c i was almost in shock.
  
• (me) being more honest about my feelings good & bad
  
• (me) let go of the OG
  
• (him) attitude
  
• (him) sometimes seems as if he is intentionally trying to test me and gauge my response to things like him not smoking without me asking him.e.g., if he says out loud that he wants to take a smoke and i don't respond either way, he'll literally say out loud reasons that he won't smoke at a given time and the reasons, then he'll end up not smoking... just fyi---i hate the fact that he smokes. i don't say i hate it, but i've told him i don't like it.i don't say it a lot, but i joke and say "ughhh" when i smell smoke after he's smoked...then i'll eventually kiss him as if it's no big deal ;-/
  

to another poster--- we're both in our mid-thirties. i think that's one reason he keeps bringing up having a child with him. he thinks that i should want to start kids b/c of age. he already has a child so i don't know why it's so pressing to him. we already are intimate. he's tried to get me pregnant and was disappointed when he found out i was NOT pregnant...

 

OP It's so pressing to him cuz he's the "one down" in the relationship and he doesnt like it.

He doesn't like the fact that his world revolves around yours and yours doesn't revolve around his.

 

As for (OG) can you explain us a bit more. Was there a lot of passion / emotional roller coaster / ups and downs with him?

 

If you WANT THIS TO WORK. It's really easy.

 

1. Start being expressive of your feelings, treat him like you couldn't live without him. Believe me he will appreciate it so much, he will never try to make a step too soon.

All this need to take things further, just show his need for an emotional connection which he is not feeling.

2. Completely forget of OG. Delete him off facebook, delete his numbers, give his pictures away to your bff and tell her to never let you have them for say 2 years.

 

Problem with nowadays, is that with social media you can stay hooked on to "the image" of someone for eternity, just looking at their facebook. The funny thing is that in reality things might have not been so good with OG, but "imagination" is always better than "reality"............ and people get lost.

 

EDIT: It's not fun competing with a dream......

 

EDIT2: Can't stress this enough, the only reason he wants "more", is because he feels like he doesn't have you.... You're too cool calm and collected. Probably have some walls from fear of getting hurt / your past... But this guy seems really really into you. So I don't even know what you fear.

Edited March 13, 2013 by IAmRobot

[spice4life]

Hmmm, just re-read it. I kind of agree w/that post and kind of don't.

 

I DO b/c I believe in allowing the natural course to take place in relationships.

 

However, we are getting more and more intimate each time we see each other (we live in different cities but manage to see each other once sometimes twice a week). And it seems like his emotions get more intense as well each time we see each other. Remember, if he had his say right now, I'd be living with him... spice4life & luvflower do you think that's the natural flow of things...you think I should move in with him. I fill like I want to but I know it will only mess things up in the long term, IMO. "Been there, done that" is what I told him. He replied, "Well you have never done that with ME".

 

So the natural flow of things for me has not seemed to work out in the past, so I feel like I need to do some things differently now, like have MORE rules and expectations... Hopefully that make sense...

 

Having rules and expectations is fine, but just don't let it get in the way of living...ya know? For instance, you're monitoring his emotions and worried that they will get in the way of the things you need to work out. To be honest, without the growth of emotions there will be nothing to work out. If you have rules about not wanting to live together right away then simply state that you're not and leave it at that. If you're not you're not and you have every right to set that boundary and it's perfectly normal and healthy to do so. He can't force you to do something if you're not ready. I think you might be confusing setting normal healthy boundaries with putting the brakes on to keep someone's (or your own) emotions from progressing along their natural course in the relationship. I could be wrong, but that is what stands out to me in your postings.

 

You know what?...there is always going to be "things to work on" in life, but that doesn't mean you should stop living and taking chances. You can work on them and live at the same time. I used to think like you do and would hold life and people at bay while I was "working on things" and I realized that it stopped me from getting out there, taking chances and just living. You still always have a choice if things aren't working out for you with that person.

 

One last thought, you mentioned another guy possibly being in the picture? Well, that is another story entirely and if that's the case then you should not be straddling both worlds untl you are ready to make a decision. It's not fair to either one of them or you and can create an unhealthy emotional triangle that ends up hurting everyone. Don't use one guy as a saftey net while you consider options with someone else. It takes away a person's ability to choose what's right for them. Plus it will put them through emotional torture in the process.

 

I hope this makes sense.

[IAmRobot]

Just going to bump this since I am interested in more info.

[unevenXchange]

Having rules and expectations is fine, but just don't let it get in the way of living...ya know? For instance, you're monitoring his emotions and worried that they will get in the way of the things you need to work out. To be honest, without the growth of emotions there will be nothing to work out. If you have rules about not wanting to live together right away then simply state that you're not and leave it at that. If you're not you're not and you have every right to set that boundary and it's perfectly normal and healthy to do so. He can't force you to do something if you're not ready. I think you might be confusing setting normal healthy boundaries with putting the brakes on to keep someone's (or your own) emotions from progressing along their natural course in the relationship. I could be wrong, but that is what stands out to me in your postings.

 

You know what?...there is always going to be "things to work on" in life, but that doesn't mean you should stop living and taking chances. You can work on them and live at the same time. I used to think like you do and would hold life and people at bay while I was "working on things" and I realized that it stopped me from getting out there, taking chances and just living. You still always have a choice if things aren't working out for you with that person.

 

One last thought, you mentioned another guy possibly being in the picture? Well, that is another story entirely and if that's the case then you should not be straddling both worlds untl you are ready to make a decision. It's not fair to either one of them or you and can create an unhealthy emotional triangle that ends up hurting everyone. Don't use one guy as a saftey net while you consider options with someone else. It takes away a person's ability to choose what's right for them. Plus it will put them through emotional torture in the process.

I hope this makes sense.

 

Yep it all makes sense really... thanks.

 

The OG was introduced to me by my sister and his spirit just seems so pure. But who really knows with his profession its kind of hard to tell. Im over him more than I seem.

My boyfriend isholding my attention and I truly love him...

 

But nothing's perfect and I try to stay out of my own way from time to time

.I realize I overanalyze at times.

[unevenXchange]

Just going to bump this since I am interested in more info.

 

Lol.

 

So here ya go ;more info :

 

His private area is not all that ample. I think thats one reason he puts up such a macho front sometimes...then displays behavior that clearly tells me he cares a lot for me.

 

I really didn't want to bring that up but you got me...

[IAmRobot]

Lol.

 

So here ya go ;more info :

 

His private area is not all that ample. I think thats one reason he puts up such a macho front sometimes...then displays behavior that clearly tells me he cares a lot for me.

 

I really didn't want to bring that up but you got me...

 

Ouchhhh that was coold as ****.... And he doesn't appear too macho from your description... more like an emotional goof.

 

You still didn't tell us why OG was a better catch.... Just because he is now a 'mirage'. I.e fantasy > reality?

 

Again reread my post on the last page. I honestly feel bad for the guy since he's madly in love and you seem to just "be going with it".

[serial muse]

OP, this could just be how you present things but you do seem rather...detached. I know you've said you love him and that you miss him, but you've also said that you're not sure and you're still thinking about your ex at times at you're tired of starting over. Those things are all valid, but to me they = don't. get. married.

 

I don't know if you talk in that detached way in real life, or if that's just your posting style, but since the various people in your life have said you seem cold, I'm guessing it's a theme for you, and it's how you create distance for yourself and maintain autonomy.

 

I wonder why you feel such a need to create distance. It may have to do with whatever you don't want to talk about here, and you don't have to. But it's something to think about. It seems more significant than just "I don't express my feelings strongly."

 

Anyway, that aside - honestly, the bit about how he keeps trying to get you pregnant when he knows you don't want that is seriously off, to me. Aren't you a little freaked out by that? I sure would be. It would be one thing if it was an accident, but you've told it as though he has tried several times - condom slipped off, pulled out, etc. - and was disappointed each time it didn't happen. And then, he didn't just want to marry you but in practically the same breath says he wants you to have his baby. Despite you previously making it clear (I assume?) that you're not sure whether you want that, at least not now.

 

That's, um...pushy, to put it mildly. What the heck is going on there?? Is this a dominating thing, because he feels like - as the more detached person in the relationship - you have the upper hand, and this will bind you to him?

 

Eek.

 

I'm just saying, are you genuinely comfortable with this? I know that things get lost in the translation from life to screen, but...yeesh, something about that seems really off to me.