Boyfreind asked to move to next level. My response...

[unevenXchange]

Hi LS. I'm here to get feedback and to vent about my current relationship. Part of this post is related to the last thread I started several months ago.

 

Up to date: I started seeing this guy about 9 months ago. He'd been asking me out for about 8 months prior to that, but I was still in the relationship (re: my last thread). Each time the current guy(NG) and I ran into each other he'd ask me how things were going and if I was still involved. I had to tell him I was still involved several times because I was and I don't like dating more than one guy at a time, especially if I really like the guy. I did really like the other guy at the time, but things were going sour. So after realizing the other guy(OG) was too difficult/weird, I started seeing the new guy(NG).

 

So,over the past 9 months I've been seeing NG. Things are cool, not perfect, but cool. I'm a slow mover so we moved slow for a while. Then I met a few of his friends and we started moving to 3rd base. Then he tells me he loves me, I started meeting his family on several occasions and I eventually said I loved him back. He's made mention of wanting me to be more open with him and not hold anything back. No, I'm not very verbally expressive of my feelings, but I'm very affectionate. I'm verbal at times and I do know how to communicate when it's truly necessary. So about 2 weeks ago while we were watching TV about to fall asleep. I could feel him staring at me so we start talking a bit and he starts rambling about how he feels like I don't take him seriously. The rambling goes on for like 2-3 minutes...... It was almost to the point where I thought he was about to either burst out in tears or get extremely angry for some strange reason. So I ask him what in the world was wrong... He goes on to say that he REALLY loves me and wants to be with me, but it seems like I'm not taking him seriously... So he holds me, turns my face into his to look me in the eyes then says, "babe...(stare)...will you marry me?" I want us to stay together... He asks me several times. I was in shock especially due to his rambling. So, at first I dropped my mouth, smiled a little and asked him was he serious or joking... He was serious, then asked me 3 or 4 more times would I marry him. The lights were dim at first so he turned the bright @ss light on in my face (cute) to look in my eyes again as I responded to him. Now he starts asking me would I have his child. He's expressed wanting to have a child with me a few times before,but this time he asked several times "babe, will you please have my child?" Mind you this is after we'd been intimate that evening... I always make it clear that I don't want to rush into anything in the heat of passion. For a child's sake ,I do not want to have a child right now if the relationship is not solid yet.

 

Yes I care a lot for him. We complement one another in a few ways that I totally appreciate. However, there are things to work on. So I responded to him saying "babe...that is so sweet. yes i will marry you once we work on some things. we have a lot to work on... but yes, babe yes I will once we do that..." I'll admit I still have some feelings for my OG... yep, perhaps b/c of the good times and on paper(minus the control issues) he seems like a better catch.

 

Questions LS:

 

How was my response to the NG in your opinion?

 

Do you think this is a normal progression of love, relationship toward marriage?

 

Is there anything I should've said differently?

 

 

Thanks in advance for your feedback!

Edited March 10, 2013 by unevenXchange

[todreaminblue]

Yes I care a lot for him.....endquote.......

 

 

do you love him?

you say you have unresolved feelings for another guy .....i agree baby talk should come after marriage.......to me, regarding someone as a better catch doesnt say anything about love......more a transaction...how do you feel about this guy ...do you mi8ss him? do you feel like you couldnt imagine life without him in your life.......what if that guy who you have unresolved feelings for turned up on yrou doorstep whiel yrou boyfriend was in side would you go out your front door and shut the door behind you to talk to him....if he said to you ...i need to tell you something im in love with you.....would you take him outside to talk to him.......or would you invite him inside, introduce the one you have unresolved feelings for to the new guy and explain this is my boyfriend(insert name here)??....deb

[creighton0123]

First:

 

On your part, there are some things that you can work on. Dating archetypes that you can afford to drop: "Like to move slowly", "not verbally expressive of my feelings, but I'm very affectionate".

 

Those are two things that are holding you back not because they exist, but because they are artificial constructs that make dating more complicated than it really is.

 

On his side, you can respond quite openly and honestly: Let him know that you want to get married and have children in the future (if you really do), but are not quite ready for that at this point, but are open and willing to discuss it in the next year or so, asking him for patience and assuring him that you aren't going anywhere.

 

As for you: What do you feel that you have to work on? Sure. Relationships require effort. But most of the things "to work on" tend to be constructed by pointless social expectations of dating when things are often much more simple.

 

Also, I'd suggest that you tell him that when you're ready, you'll give him the nod and want him to propose to you in a more romantic manner than on the couch watching a movie.

[Soxfaninfl]

First of all, how old are all of you? Marriage is a serious commitment. You should not have any doubt in your mind before you marry this guy. What I'm trying to say is you should not have any feelings for anyone else. Also, do you see this guy as husband material? Do you feel he would be a good father? These are things that you need to think about. Marriage is a huge commitment. There is premarital counseling to help make sure marriage is right for the both of you.

[unevenXchange]

Yes I care a lot for him.....endquote.......

 

 

do you love him?

you say you have unresolved feelings for another guy .....i agree baby talk should come after marriage.......to me, regarding someone as a better catch doesnt say anything about love......more a transaction...how do you feel about this guy ...do you mi8ss him? do you feel like you couldnt imagine life without him in your life.......what if that guy who you have unresolved feelings for turned up on yrou doorstep whiel yrou boyfriend was in side would you go out your front door and shut the door behind you to talk to him....if he said to you ...i need to tell you something im in love with you.....would you take him outside to talk to him.......or would you invite him inside, introduce the one you have unresolved feelings for to the new guy and explain this is my boyfriend(insert name here)??....deb

 

Thanks for the response.

I do love him.I do miss him.and love the way he makes me feel.love the way we can agree to disagree and hold each other accountable.

 

Still there are issues that we have to Work on.

[unevenXchange]

First:

 

On your part, there are some things that you can work on. Dating archetypes that you can afford to drop: "Like to move slowly", "not verbally expressive of my feelings, but I'm very affectionate".

 

Those are two things that are holding you back not because they exist, but because they are artificial constructs that make dating more complicated than it really is.

 

On his side, you can respond quite openly and honestly: Let him know that you want to get married and have children in the future (if you really do), but are not quite ready for that at this point, but are open and willing to discuss it in the next year or so, asking him for patience and assuring him that you aren't going anywhere.

 

As for you: What do you feel that you have to work on? Sure. Relationships require effort. But most of the things "to work on" tend to be constructed by pointless social expectations of dating when things are often much more simple.

 

Also, I'd suggest that you tell him that when you're ready, you'll give him the nod and want him to propose to you in a more romantic manner than on the couch watching a movie.

 

yep, points well taken.

 

*note: a few days ago his buddy comes over to his place and stays for a while. i felt like they'd planned the whole conversation out... his buddy brings up the topic of marriage. and said to my boyfriend that he should marry me.then waited for me to respond but i didn't and he said jovially, she doesn't want to be married. i responded saying yes i do,when the time is right. he went on about something else related to marriage. my boyfriend was in the kitchen supposedly doing something, but i think he was listening in on our conversation...HARD...

 

Things to work on:

 

• our communication -we're both stubborn and admittedly so. he's clearly said that one of us is going to have to bend at some point, but he's NOT going to be the one who's going to bend
  

 

• (me)being more expressive of my feelings. i've been told by others that seems cold, aloof, etc. current boyfriend says that it seems as if his feelings are not a big deal to me;"i'm asking you to have my child AND marry me, but you're acting like it's not a big deal (probably b/c i didn't say much b/c i was almost in shock.
  
• (me) being more honest about my feelings good & bad
  
• (me) let go of the OG
  
• (him) attitude
  
• (him) sometimes seems as if he is intentionally trying to test me and gauge my response to things like him not smoking without me asking him.e.g., if he says out loud that he wants to take a smoke and i don't respond either way, he'll literally say out loud reasons that he won't smoke at a given time and the reasons, then he'll end up not smoking... just fyi---i hate the fact that he smokes. i don't say i hate it, but i've told him i don't like it.i don't say it a lot, but i joke and say "ughhh" when i smell smoke after he's smoked...then i'll eventually kiss him as if it's no big deal ;-/
  

to another poster--- we're both in our mid-thirties. i think that's one reason he keeps bringing up having a child with him. he thinks that i should want to start kids b/c of age. he already has a child so i don't know why it's so pressing to him. we already are intimate. he's tried to get me pregnant and was disappointed when he found out i was NOT pregnant...

Edited March 10, 2013 by unevenXchange

[KathyM]

There are red flags in your relationship.

 

#1. You haven't gotten over your ex. Shouldn't be commiting to marry someone when you are still holding a torch for an ex.

 

#2. He smokes. You can't stand smoking. That's a dealbreaker right there. Regardless of any promises he makes to quit smoking, there is no guarantee he will stick with it, and he is probably just making that promise to entice you to marry him. The promise likely won't stick. After marriage, he's likely to start smoking again. Take it from someone who saw this scenario played out in real life with people who I am close to: He promised to quit smoking so she would marry him. A couple of years after the marriage, he started smoking again and wouldn't/couldn't stop. She was stuck married to a smoker and couldn't do anything about it. They eventually divorced because there were also other things that he changed about himself in order to marry her, only to go back to his regular dealbreaking habits later on after marriage. My aunt was also married to a smoker and developed lung cancer from second hand smoke and had to have part of her lung removed. Not a good plan to marry a smoker if you are not one yourself.

 

#3. You are both stubborn and he said he will not be the one bending. (Does a person actually say such a thing? Hard to believe. Serious red flag if this is the case). You can plan a life where he will always need to have the last word, always need to have his own way, and you will be left to be the only one bending in this marriage. Not a good or fair way to live. You will grow to resent this and resent him over it.

 

I'd say the dealbreakers are too much to marry this guy, and it's time to stop wasting both of your time in trying to make it work. JMO.

[unevenXchange]

Hmmm. Well there definitely some red flags. However, him saying he wont be the one to bend is not a red flag as much as the other things you mentioned. I'm not getting married today,next month, any time soon if at all. True I needn't have feelings for an ex when considering something like marriage with someone else. My thoughts about my ex aren't consuming me but its just that as soon as we broke up,my current boyfriend was in the picture...and he knows that. To be honest, I have no intentions of getting back with my ex.he's an very unreasonable person and far more difficult than I'm willing to put up with.If you read my previous thread from several months ago you'll see what I mean.

 

I never planned on saying anything about marriage unless he brought it up. The day after he brought it up.

Edited March 10, 2013 by unevenXchange

[KathyM]

You're not concerned that he is stubborn and says he will never bend? That he warns you in advance that that is the way he is, and that is something you are willing to accept in a man? Well, prepare yourself for a life of him always demanding his own way and never taking your feelings or opinion or wishes into account. Good luck with that.

[Almond_Joy]

To me, it seems like this guy is hellbent on achieving an emotional depth and intimacy that you are unwilling to give right now. That's a huge red flag to me. No reasonable person would push for a commitment of marriage from someone they are not sure is serious about them. That's not healthy.

 

It's also a huge red flag to me that you agreed to marry this guy. Sure, you said there's some things to work on first, but why agree to a commitment like that when you're not sure? Now he's expecting that if the problems are worked out you'll marry him....and if you decided you're not ready or want to at that point, he now has cause to harass or get angry with you for welching on this agreement you made.

 

Agreeing to have his child?? You two are not on the same page and you've put yourself in a bad position by conceding to his unreasonable requests.

 

If you do want to continue a relationship with this guy, you need to start opening up. Intimacy is an important part of a healthy, satisfying relationship. It builds trust and security. It sounds to me like this guy is sharing with you a lot emotionally and you are not reciprocating. That can make a person feel very vulnerable, because they are laying their feelings out unfiltered and you could reject them. That's really not fair.

 

This guy is a little emotionally intense, so that vulnerable felling is only magnified. That's why he's freaking out and pushing for commitment like this. You're not giving any indication that you're really invested because you're not sharing with him. He needs that to feel secure with you in the relationship.

 

Try being more communicative about what you're feeling without him pushing for you to say how you feel. I think he would be less pushy about commitment if you did.

[spice4life]

yep, points well taken.

 

*note: a few days ago his buddy comes over to his place and stays for a while. i felt like they'd planned the whole conversation out... his buddy brings up the topic of marriage. and said to my boyfriend that he should marry me.then waited for me to respond but i didn't and he said jovially, she doesn't want to be married. i responded saying yes i do,when the time is right. he went on about something else related to marriage. my boyfriend was in the kitchen supposedly doing something, but i think he was listening in on our conversation...HARD...

 

Things to work on:

 

• our communication -we're both stubborn and admittedly so. he's clearly said that one of us is going to have to bend at some point, but he's NOT going to be the one who's going to bend
  

 

• (me)being more expressive of my feelings. i've been told by others that seems cold, aloof, etc. current boyfriend says that it seems as if his feelings are not a big deal to me;"i'm asking you to have my child AND marry me, but you're acting like it's not a big deal (probably b/c i didn't say much b/c i was almost in shock.
  
• (me) being more honest about my feelings good & bad
  
• (me) let go of the OG
  
• (him) attitude
  
• (him) sometimes seems as if he is intentionally trying to test me and gauge my response to things like him not smoking without me asking him.e.g., if he says out loud that he wants to take a smoke and i don't respond either way, he'll literally say out loud reasons that he won't smoke at a given time and the reasons, then he'll end up not smoking... just fyi---i hate the fact that he smokes. i don't say i hate it, but i've told him i don't like it.i don't say it a lot, but i joke and say "ughhh" when i smell smoke after he's smoked...then i'll eventually kiss him as if it's no big deal ;-/
  

to another poster--- we're both in our mid-thirties. i think that's one reason he keeps bringing up having a child with him. he thinks that i should want to start kids b/c of age. he already has a child so i don't know why it's so pressing to him. we already are intimate. he's tried to get me pregnant and was disappointed when he found out i was NOT pregnant...

 

It appears to me that you are over analyzing the relationship. Just be open, honest and yourself without putting rules and expectations on things. Those things can be a real emotional intimacy killer. Live in the here and now because that is the only thing you have control over. When you try to control the future by requiring someone to change then you will constantly be disappointed. Plus it takes all of the excitement of getting to know someone. It puts up roadblocks and prevents the relationship from growing in a natural way.

[unevenXchange]

It appears to me that you are over analyzing the relationship. Just be open, honest and yourself without putting rules and expectations on things. Those things can be a real emotional intimacy killer. Live in the here and now because that is the only thing you have control over. When you try to control the future by requiring someone to change then you will constantly be disappointed. Plus it takes all of the excitement of getting to know someone. It puts up roadblocks and prevents the relationship from growing in a natural way.

 

that's my aim really(to not over analyze, but when talking to people in this forum, it seems as if i'm not analyzing things enough. this is where i'm learning to try and maintain balance. i haven't disclosed every detail about our relationship in this thread and I won't. however, i appreciate the insight of others and will continue to being open to not only things in the relationship but things that i may not realize i need to work on.

 

i don't intend to lead him on. i didn't agree to have his child. he knows my feelings on that.and i do not plan on proceeding with marriage until things are more balanced...

[Imajerk17]

Well I was creeped out by the way he "proposed" marriage to you...ambushing you as you were drifting off to sleep. Seems rather controlling and selfish on his end.

[muse08]

How does he make you feel when you are with him?

 

Are you inspired to share feelings w/ him without him prompting you?

 

Are you happy with intimacy?

 

Do you feel pressured to do things a certain way to avoid conflict with him?

 

What do you really miss about your ex?

 

How would you feel if you never heard from him or saw your current boyfriend again?

 

LS, how many of you can say that you've never been in a situation similar to this?

[Soxfaninfl]

Well I was creeped out by the way he "proposed" marriage to you...ambushing you as you were drifting off to sleep. Seems rather controlling and selfish on his end.

 

I agree. He wasn't even romantic one bit. Why not be romantic and make it memorable.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Hi LS. I'm here to get feedback and to vent about my current relationship. Part of this post is related to the last thread I started several months ago.

 

Up to date: I started seeing this guy about 9 months ago. He'd been asking me out for about 8 months prior to that, but I was still in the relationship (re: my last thread). Each time the current guy(NG) and I ran into each other he'd ask me how things were going and if I was still involved. I had to tell him I was still involved several times because I was and I don't like dating more than one guy at a time, especially if I really like the guy. I did really like the other guy at the time, but things were going sour. So after realizing the other guy(OG) was too difficult/weird, I started seeing the new guy(NG).

 

So,over the past 9 months I've been seeing NG. Things are cool, not perfect, but cool. I'm a slow mover so we moved slow for a while. Then I met a few of his friends and we started moving to 3rd base. Then he tells me he loves me, I started meeting his family on several occasions and I eventually said I loved him back. He's made mention of wanting me to be more open with him and not hold anything back. No, I'm not very verbally expressive of my feelings, but I'm very affectionate. I'm verbal at times and I do know how to communicate when it's truly necessary. So about 2 weeks ago while we were watching TV about to fall asleep. I could feel him staring at me so we start talking a bit and he starts rambling about how he feels like I don't take him seriously. The rambling goes on for like 2-3 minutes...... It was almost to the point where I thought he was about to either burst out in tears or get extremely angry for some strange reason. So I ask him what in the world was wrong... He goes on to say that he REALLY loves me and wants to be with me, but it seems like I'm not taking him seriously... So he holds me, turns my face into his to look me in the eyes then says, "babe...(stare)...will you marry me?" I want us to stay together... He asks me several times. I was in shock especially due to his rambling. So, at first I dropped my mouth, smiled a little and asked him was he serious or joking... He was serious, then asked me 3 or 4 more times would I marry him. The lights were dim at first so he turned the bright @ss light on in my face (cute) to look in my eyes again as I responded to him. Now he starts asking me would I have his child. He's expressed wanting to have a child with me a few times before,but this time he asked several times "babe, will you please have my child?" Mind you this is after we'd been intimate that evening... I always make it clear that I don't want to rush into anything in the heat of passion. For a child's sake ,I do not want to have a child right now if the relationship is not solid yet.

 

Yes I care a lot for him. We complement one another in a few ways that I totally appreciate. However, there are things to work on. So I responded to him saying "babe...that is so sweet. yes i will marry you once we work on some things. we have a lot to work on... but yes, babe yes I will once we do that..." I'll admit I still have some feelings for my OG... yep, perhaps b/c of the good times and on paper(minus the control issues) he seems like a better catch.

 

Questions LS:

 

How was my response to the NG in your opinion?

 

Do you think this is a normal progression of love, relationship toward marriage?

 

Is there anything I should've said differently?

 

 

Thanks in advance for your feedback!

 

I was about to say "Damn, this guy is crazy." Then I saw the bolded and I thought "Wow, that's cold that she feels that way." I'm sure he probably picks up on it and that might be why he's acting the way he does.

 

I think you should just let it go. You seem to view love as more of a business transaction, while he's really emotionally invested.

 

Just let the dude go to find someone that views him as a "good catch."

[unevenXchange]

How does he make you feel when you are with him?

 

Are you inspired to share feelings w/ him without him prompting you?

 

Are you happy with intimacy?

 

Do you feel pressured to do things a certain way to avoid conflict with him?

 

What do you really miss about your ex?

 

How would you feel if you never heard from him or saw your current boyfriend again?

 

LS, how many of you can say that you've never been in a situation similar to this?

 

He makes me feels wonderful when we're together and I do the same for him. Sometimes he rubs my face and stares at me. I ask him what he's thinking, he has responded "how much I love you".

 

Yes I do share my feelings for him without him prompting. Just not as much as he'd like. There are reasons that I will not share here...sorry.I'm not at all the person some people are assuming I am. I have feelings too and don't want to get hurt based on the issue I'm choosing not to discuss here in LS.

 

I'm happy w/intimacy. The way we touch each other, inside and out is amazing... I can see how happy I make him when we're together.He says I inspire him to be a better man. Perhaps it's just a line, but I believe him.

 

If I never saw or heard from him again, I'd be crushed and miss him dearly.

 

Don't really know what I miss about my ex. We shared the same faith and I miss seeing how i could open him up and make him happy. but now I see the same thing in my current boyfriend.

 

I do love my current boyfriend but I'm not sure if I should... He's a good guy, but saying he's not going to be the one to bend is not a nice thing to say, I'll admit...it's a loaded statement...

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

He makes me feels wonderful when we're together and I do the same for him. Sometimes he rubs my face and stares at me. I ask him what he's thinking, he has responded "how much I love you".

 

Yes I do share my feelings for him without him prompting. Just not as much as he'd like. There are reasons that I will not share here...sorry.I'm not at all the person some people are assuming I am. I have feelings too and don't want to get hurt based on the issue I'm choosing not to discuss here in LS.

 

I'm happy w/intimacy. The way we touch each other, inside and out is amazing... I can see how happy I make him when we're together.He says I inspire him to be a better man. Perhaps it's just a line, but I believe him.

 

If I never saw or heard from him again, I'd be crushed and miss him dearly.

 

Don't really know what I miss about my ex. We shared the same faith and I miss seeing how i could open him up and make him happy. but now I see the same thing in my current boyfriend.

 

I do love my current boyfriend but I'm not sure if I should... He's a good guy, but saying he's not going to be the one to bend is not a nice thing to say, I'll admit...it's a loaded statement...

 

So basically, you're asking for our advice, but not telling us the entire story.

 

How could we give you good advice if you're leaving out a big piece of the puzzle?

[iKING]

Drop the idea of the ex, take it slow with the new guy.

 

Things could work out.

[unevenXchange]

Drop the idea of the ex, take it slow with the new guy.

 

Things could work out.

Thank you... I really believe that as well. If I didn't, I wouldn't even be here on LS asking for advice.

 

I just want to hear even more advice on how to proceed without appearing too nonchalant... Lucid, but not nonchalant. I really care about him and I'm missing him as I think about him right now. We communicated this morning. He checked on me to see how I was doing. We get together some Sundays and watch the games. We're doing our own thing today though, which is cool. But I do miss him and love being around him... ok LS :-)

[luvflower]

I'm chiming in kind of late, but I really don't see anything so weird about your response to him or still having thoughts of your ex.

 

The only difference between you and many other people, is that you're expressing what so many people choose not to express. The more you discuss it, the quicker you'll get past this stage, IMO.

 

Though, I really hope you don't still feel STRONGLY about your ex.

[muse08]

Thank you... I really believe that as well. If I didn't, I wouldn't even be here on LS asking for advice.

 

I just want to hear even more advice on how to proceed without appearing too nonchalant... Lucid, but not nonchalant. I really care about him and I'm missing him as I think about him right now. We communicated this morning. He checked on me to see how I was doing. We get together some Sundays and watch the games. We're doing our own thing today though, which is cool. But I do miss him and love being around him... ok LS :-)

 

Glad you 2 do have your own lives. He doesn't sound as controlling as some are making him out to be. And you don't seem as mean either. I think it''s fair for you to feel like you want to tread carefully. I'm sure neither of you are perfect, but even though I'm a female I still say be careful with his feelings as you'd like him to be careful with yours.

 

Be upfront and honest w/him even if you're not sharing everything w/us ;-)

[unevenXchange]

Yea we pretty much are cool with our own space.He's made mention though of wanting me to move in with him... Though I love him dearly, that is really not the direction I want to go in right now...

[Cutiepie1976]

Seems like a mixed bag of messages even in your posts. You aren't ready to live together, but you've essentially agreed to be engaged. It feels as if you've left out relevant pieces of information. I can't tell if you are ambivalent or just second guessing and overanalyzing all your thoughts and actions.

 

In either case, remember that not every relationship has to progress to marriage. It would be a mistake to assume that since you've dated for XX time period, it's time to get engaged. Focus on fit, whether you are compatible, and whether you truly respect and love each other. Telling you that you will have to bend to his will, suggests that he might not hold you and your views on things in the highest regard. Relationships invariably require compromise.

 

Good luck!

[unevenXchange]

Seems like a mixed bag of messages even in your posts. You aren't ready to live together, but you've essentially agreed to be engaged. It feels as if you've left out relevant pieces of information. I can't tell if you are ambivalent or just second guessing and overanalyzing all your thoughts and actions.

 

In either case, remember that not every relationship has to progress to marriage. It would be a mistake to assume that since you've dated for XX time period, it's time to get engaged. Focus on fit, whether you are compatible, and whether you truly respect and love each other. Telling you that you will have to bend to his will, suggests that he might not hold you and your views on things in the highest regard. Relationships invariably require compromise.

 

Good luck!

 

Yes, thanks for this truism. I realize that we don't all have to get married but I do want to eventually.

 

The topic of bending and what not from him is mostly talk.he says that but is much more accommodating than he seems...for now anyway. I have to give him some credit... perhaps I am over analyzing but I just want to get objective views on this. I've never been married before but have had another man propose and with a ring. I don't want to keep turning men down but I also don't want to accept a proposal just for the sake of being married. I want to be happy.plz excuse typos...driving.(not good,I know)

You