scared

[under22]

So My husband and I met in College. I was 15, he was 19. we became great friends. we were in a dance group together and really enjoyed ourselves. We had the same friends and were always together. The year I turned 16. We started dating. We started having sex. a month after I turned 17, I found out I was pregnant. BIG Shock. He asked me if I would abort it. I said unequivocally no and to get out of my car I never wanted to see him again. He tells me that he didn't actually want me to he just didn't want to ruin my life... Later after we told our parents, my mother was angry one day and said that if he didn't marry me then she would charge him with stat. rape. she didnt mean it. she let it go. I told him that we had a huge fight and that she wanted us to get married and told him to just stay away for a while and he says " of course im going to marry you!" well, I was happy (more fool me) I believed everything was gonna be ok. he was my best friend after all and knew everything about me and didnt care.We got married two months later. I moved into his parents house "to save money". It was a nightmare. his mom always getting angry about everything both telling him I was a mistake and he was constantly going out with his "girls who are friends." or playing soccer or working late. He has never cheated. His family was spanish. He left me there pregnant. alone. no habla espanol. he went out, smoked hookah and went to bars and played soccer... he was 21 and after all I couldnt get in i was too young. When my daughter was born, he started coming home. It was happy. I worked PT, he worked as a mechanic FT. he loveed it. he would care for her while i worked in the am and i would have her in the pm. then we moved out. started renting one of my in-l;aws house. and he lost his work permit. and i started working FT. and he stayed home. we were happy still. his parents come over one night and called him a lazy sob who did nothing! he started working for his dad's company part time. promised he would be home. wasn't. started working 4 am to midnight or later 7 days a WEEK! he became obsessed! I haveminimal family help. I quit my job. when my daughter turned a year, i wanted to have a nother baby, I took another part-time job. we tried for four months. then our marraige started falling apart. he quit bringing home a pay check and then it was I didn't pay this on time, and then I got a speeding ticket, and then dinner wasnt hot and ready on the table at midnight! We quit trying, a week later I found out I was pregnant. his parents told us that that year they were going to renovate and sell the house we were living in. he started coming homw enraged. he would shove me through furniture just to make me shut up. I started poking him to make him talk to me. (stupid, i know) he hated me and kept swearing he didn't,. I kept begging him to do a different job, it was so stressful. he would try to leave, I would forcibly restrain him (or try to). he came home one night talking about how we were the biggest mistake he ever made, (he has apologized for this) and he was going to become a doctor (he hates doctors) like his dad wanted. I was to work full time to support this so that he can go to medical school. i refused knowing he wouldnt go through with it. he tried to storm away, i grabbed his arm, he turned around and shoved me (6months pregnant) through the wall. I was shocked, but angry, I attacked and slapped him, he put me through another wall and stormed out. (all this was in front of my daughter for the first time.) I packed up and stayed at a friend of my monthers./ he called later that evening shocked i had left and wanting to know if i was ok. i said i was fine and i wouldnt tell him where i was. the next few weeks, i m oved out of the house, and spoke with him. he talked about how he was so sorry, and he didnt believe me and now he does and he doesnt like coming home alone and he wants us back, blah blah blah. i told hima fter angermanagement counseling, he said ok. after a month, i moved in with my mother. after anopther month, i gave in and started sleeping over sometimes. after another month, my inlaws started renovating the house. I let him move in. no anger management. he started fighting again, I started working nights. he would complain that i controlled him because i didnt want him to work 24/7. one night, my due date! I came home from work, and brought him taco bell, he asked for. he refused to eat it, i asked him to talk to me, he started screamibng at me idk what about. he shoved past me, i slapped him. he shoved me again, pregnant. i kicked him out. i went into labor two days later. i told him my water broke at 4 pm, he didn't come until 3 am. my son was born 3:30 pm the enxt day. his excuse was he was there for his son, he was distant, cold and didnt hold my hand like he did with the first. i let him move in again. after 3 weeks, he wanted sex. I wansnt ready, he kept [pushing so i did. then he got mad that i got hurt. i never told him why. then he didn't work for that enitre month, and was mad at me that I didnt let him renovate his parents house for free. he was gone all the tim, no money came in, no babysitting for me, no nothing. after about 2 months, the laundry wasnt done, food not cooked, money gone. ALL my savings gone to keep us a float, had to drop out of college, again. he called me a failure irresponsible didnt pay the bills (with no money), didnt finish class (with no babysitting) and the house was filthy. the relationship became physical again. this time, i gave it back. i never left a bruise. one day he was so unhappy he put him hand on my throat and squeezed, in front of both kids. I snapped, when he let go i broke a glass on his head and kicked him out. i chased him. tried to punch him, was really angry. i gave my kids to my mother who was there at the time, and chased him down the street begging him to stop, i have no money, no job, no home, no education, no babysitting. I needed him. he did eventually. i talked to him and begged him to stay he said he didnt know. I said well dont come home if you arent sure. he follwed me home. he said sorry, blah blah blah. my feet were swollen and beat up. he said to me now arent you sorry you followed me. since then, he has thrown a metal bnall with all his might at my face repeatedly and i kicked him in the groing, i poke him eveerythime he hurts me emotionally, he reacts, and i slap him or grab him hair, or go for the groin. we had one last fight, and he said Im never quitting my job and if im mad then you just have to deal with it. i agreed he came back home. SURPRISE! I found out I am pregnant with #3. today he was telling me again how everything was my fault and i demanded he told me how, he wouldn't so on a side road i pulled the ebrake and when he put it back down, I hit the gear selector to park. he got mad and punched me in the eye, not hard, but enough to hurt. I waited till we got to his parents house, slapped him and told him never to hit me again. I then told his father what happened and left. I know i did some bad things, I hjust dont know how it got this far. he was my best friend, my everything. I love him so much and yet, we are not good together. I'm done this time. it has come to far. it is just so hard because he wont answer me when i try to find out if he is going to take my kids (he finally did get his work permit and green card back). and he doesn't want a divorce, but wont work for a marraige his favorite words are idk and idc...

[jf2good]

Sounds like a typical life story of one of the many strippers I know. First mistake was your mom not calling the police and really putting him jail for rape like he deserved. Second mistake was not giving the kid up for adoption, Third mistake was marriage, Fourth was living with in-laws, Fifth mistake was believing he didn't cheat, of course he did, Sixth mistake getting preggo again. And the list goes on and on.

 

So we can't undo all the mistakes in the past, but you can learn to GROW UP and dump your loser of a husband and never look back. Second get an IUD ASAP or better yet get your tubes tied, stop having kids. Third move away from him and the in-laws and the like, anyone who would have allowed you all to get married in the first place are terrible role models.

[under22]

You are an ass. thank you for nothing.

[jf2good]

I may be an ass, but your ass needs a father. Since you don't seem to have one who would have kicked your husband in the ass long ago I don't know what advice to give as you won't follow it. You screwed up, you married a douche-bag who should have went to jail for RAPE as you were under-age. Your life is messed up and you need to leave him. If he is as violent as you say get yourself into a woman's shelter.

 

What is wrong with me telling you not to have more kids, having a fourth or more won't make anything easier only harder. Where am I wrong about your in-laws and family members?

 

As for the " I love him so much and yet, we are not good together. I'm done this time. it has come to far." if you realize you are no good together then what are you scared about? Are you scared to grow up? Scared to be alone? Scared he will get the kids - he won't if you are a responsible person. Scared he will hurt you? Get a restraining order. Not exactly sure what you are scared of since your post was one long rambling paragraph.

 

I am sorry your life is messed up, that it sucks, but you have young children, there is no time for crying, no time for self pity. My advice is correct and yes I will gladly be an ass if needed.

[Mr. Lucky]

You are an ass. thank you for nothing.

Paragraphs, punctuation and civility will get you more responses. This is a public forum so there's no guarantee you're going to agree with or like what folks say.

 

As I tried to work through your post, I couldn't help but feel sorry for your kids. You seem to have painted yourself into a corner through a series of staggeringly bad choices that you yourself are responsible for. Why you'd have 3 kids with someone who, by your own description should be in prison for multiple counts of assault, is hard to understand. And yet you say "he was my best friend, my everything. I love him so much". I'd hate to meet your worst enemy...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Yasuandio]

For some reason, you have been heading down a self-distructive path, that has created three babies in the process. It appears that you have not finished school, or at least not finished college. You have to pull yourself together, extridtite yourself from this emotionally and physically abusive relationship, and face the world alone as a single mom. These are the facts.

 

This next suggestion is not easy to make - but in reality, is something you should consider with a new baby on the way. You are a very young girl. It is possible that you might consider to give one or more of the babies up for adoption - to lighten your load. This might be done privately with a financial arrangment to help you though the prenancy since you have apparently have been abandoned. This could be a way to get you back on your feet. Please, this is not to make you angry, I am just pointing out an option, that's all. Good luck to you. Yas

[Mack05]

Agree with Mr Lucky. I really feel for the kids. They have little chance being raised in this dysfunctional mess. You have made a succession of poor immature choices and this is the mess you find yourself in. Still what is done is done and beating yourself up won't help you for your future.

 

"no money, no job, no home, no education, no babysitting". Can you stay with family until you get some stability? Going back to this man would be a disaster for your kids. Right now sadly your options are severely limited. How is he for child support? Does he contribute much? Is their any advice bureau near you? Or a support hotline you can call for financial advice?

 

I know leaving would be beyond hard, but staying would mean a very bleak future for your kids. You need to avoid all relationships until you are financially secure, happy on your own and emotionally far more mature then you are now.

 

You have a series of big decisions to make. Decisions that will HUGELY effect your future and your kids future. You need to gather as much expert advice as you can and proceed from there..

[under22]

I don't believe I asked anyone to attack me as a mother. I am really truly sorry I asked for advice. I did leave my husband for my kids. He was 4 years older than me, not exactly your typical "rape". I graduated High school at 16, and was in my first year of college. And you, jf2good, have no right nor reason to tell me to use birth control. You especially had no right to tell me to get my tubes tied and that I was not fit to have any children ever again. I was asking for help because I was scared about losing my children, and providing for them. If you ask anyone, I am a good mother and I have shielded my kids against everything to the best of my ability. I wanted advice on how to get on my feet, not on how to get over my husband. I explained how I felt to explain why I let it get so far. I have been married two and a half years. I believe I called it "quits" long before many others in this situation. Now, you are an ass, sir, for instead of helping me with some advice, you called me a stripper, a bad mother, and told me that I had no right to have children. How the hell would you feel if you went after advice on providing for you children and some stranger not only highly insults you, but also ridicules the mistakes you already know you have made? You also imply that I sleep around, something which I don't believe I ever implied. Mr. Lucky, I deeply apologize that my lack of punctuation insulted you or colored you towards me. I will have to admit I was quite upset at the time i wrote it, and was just "free-writing" as I have never done this before. As for my husband, he didn't use to be even remotely this way, and its not like I haven't given it back to him either. This has all happened in less than a year, and I have already backed off. I had two children with him before this happened, and this last one was an accident and a surprise. Yas, Thank you for the first real advice on my post. I appreciate your advice greatly. I have considered giving my children up for adoption for their own good, however, if I can find another alternative, I would prefer not to. I have finished High School, but not College. I had kept a steady job until August of last year when I lost my babysitting. I would not have gotten angry at you as your post did not insult me. Mack05, I feel for my kids too, which is why I went past my comfort zone and posted here for help. I have a part time job but it is only 6 hours a week (one night). I have been offered more hours, but as this only makes $10.50 an hour, I would not be able to afford childcare. My husband has said he will pay child support. He is a good man, he is just under too much stress and does not need to be around his children until he has straightened out, and stays straightened out for a few years. As for relationships, I really don't understand how I got painted to be such a slut. I have never even dated anyone other than my husband, and am therefore confused why you all think I am going to go jump into bed with the next man I see. To conclude, I am waiting on financial aid to re-enroll in college over the internet. I am studying Early Childhood Education. I can handle that on my own. I will have minimal child support as my husband does not make much money. I need to find a low-income apartment of sorts, and somehow find babysitting so I can work more nights. I am sorry I gave anyone the impression that I was staying with my husband.

Edited March 12, 2013 by under22

[geegirl]

I don't doubt that you may be a good mother but you have to question your mindset in wanting to bring more children into such dysfunction.

 

I hope you get away from him and remove your children from this toxicity. In your eyes, your husband may be a good man, but good men don't ram their pregnant wives into walls.

 

I would suggest you get out of that twisted logic. Abused women often make excuses for their abusive partners because they're too broken to realize good from bad.

Edited March 12, 2013 by geegirl

[GuyInLimbo]

Wow. On so many levels. I'm not touching this one...

[Mr. Lucky]

Mr. Lucky, I deeply apologize that my lack of punctuation insulted you or colored you towards me. I will have to admit I was quite upset at the time i wrote it, and was just "free-writing" as I have never done this before. As for my husband, he didn't use to be even remotely this way, and its not like I haven't given it back to him either. This has all happened in less than a year, and I have already backed off. I had two children with him before this happened, and this last one was an accident and a surprise.

Under22, no apology needed as no insult was felt . I was merely trying to get you (and other first time posters) to understand that a block paragraph is very hard to read on a computer screen or mobile device. So few people (other than the stubborn ones like me) would respond...

 

Unfortunately, I don't agree with much of what you said. Kids aren't accidents, they're the result of sex. And sex with someone who's showered the described physical abuse on you is the result of extremely bad judgement and low self esteem. Don't you and your kids deserve better ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[jf2good]

I never said you were a bad mother, but if I as guy with kids I could not support I would not be offended by someone telling me to get a vasectomy or at least use a condom. The fact you went to college at a young age is great, it means your not stupid, but what your husband did is still Rape in the eyes of the law and by me as well. I never called you a stripper, but your story is similar to many I know when you ask them why did they start to strip in the first place, for most it was not a vocation they chose but ended up do to poor life choices. That is they have kids to support and making $$$ as as stripper works for them.

 

So the problem is that you can't afford to keep your children and go to college, because your husband currently can't support you and your in-law can't or won't. I don't have career advice on what to do as I am a guy and therefore wouldn't have childcare issue.

 

The bottom line is you can't afford to keep your kids and go to college at the present time without help. While there is a lot of help out there for single moms, your technically still married, again no advice.

 

I don't know why you keep defending your husband as a good man. Maybe you don't know what a real good man is suppose to be. Thank goodness you are leaving him. Also because I don't want you to accidentally have more children under any circumstances doesn't mean anyone is calling you a slut. Three kids is enough in my book for anyone, we have enough people in this world and it makes sense financially not to have more as well.

 

Last word, I know there are those TV shows 16 and pregnant and such. Parents can't prevent all teen pregnancies but many don't do enough supervision of their teens and don't work enough with their children on making the right life choices. We have bright children who's lives are really messed up personally and financially by getting pregnant and getting married too young.

Edited March 13, 2013 by jf2good