Author Star Gazer Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 Here is where you went wrong though. In the future, any time a guy tells you that he is not sure about his feelings for you, not sure if he wants a relationship, get the F--K out of there. No making excuses for him. No waiting around. You will have so much more respect for yourself if you manage to do this. I think I misspoke. In the middle of all this, what he said was that he wasn't sure what he wanted, not that he wasn't sure how he felt about me. He said he wasn't sure how he felt about me when we last saw each other and he made the captivating comment. But either way, you're right. The moment he expressed doubt of any kind, I should have walked...fast. I totally recognize that I have a tendency to stick around, like I said, waiting for him to turn back into the guy who pursued me hard. You know what's funny? He said, "Sometimes I feel like we could have a closeness, sometimes I'm not sure. Sometimes I feel the click, sometimes it's only a little there." I've always felt that we had a closeness that was building, but I felt the same way about the click, and believed (still do) that you can't be 100% "on" all the time and be feeling the click/spark 24/7. What I did notice though, was that I didn't feel the click/spark during the moments where I wasn't being all lively and fun and entertaining, but felt it when I was. It's as though I picked up on the fact that he liked that lively, fun, entertaining side of me, but not the quieter, more introspective person. I enjoy the deeper moments or the silences. He doesn't seem to. It would be EXHAUSTING having to keep being the lively, fun, entertaining Star, just to keep him feeling the click/spark and keep him feeling challenged. 2
sb129 Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 (edited) Prior to meeting my husband, I had several short R/ flings end in similar ways. It was soul destroying and very damaging to my self esteem. I was younger than you are now Star, and was less able to see things for what they were. As a result I ended up engaging in some pretty risky behaviour including an affair with a married man which was probably the absolute rock bottom in my dating history. The big difference between all of them (including exMM) and my H is that my H never ever blew hot or cold. He was sure from the outset, and was really honest- but he didn't come on too strong the way some of the others did. He's never criticised me as a way out of a R, and never said he wasn't sure about how things were going. Things were easy from the outset- easy, comfortable and familiar. Not sure how to say this without it sounded bad, because I don't mean it to but my H has never ignited that "flame" in me that caused me to go half psychotic at times. By that I mean the desperate highs and resultant lows that come with a R that is built on game playing or one partner being more into it than the other. The "will he won't he call" , the exhilaration when he does, the despair when he doesn't, the way I moulded myself to be this fun amazing person all the time and hid the less exciting aspects of my character.... none of that happened with WB, because it didn't need to. Thats not to say there was no romance- you know yourself that there was! But from the very first date, it was SUCH a relief to throw away the angst of the previous years. It was so easy. And NORMAL! And he didn't run the first time I showed off the less exciting aspects of my personality. I really hope thats what happens for you- when it does I hope you'll recognise it straightaway. I'm sure you will... Edited March 13, 2013 by sb129 2
Author Star Gazer Posted March 13, 2013 Author Posted March 13, 2013 Oh, SB. I had that with Skiman: the ease. I never felt the heat either, and assumed that was a bad thing. There are days when I really miss him, to the point I kinda ache. I remember when we broke up, saying, "But you're my best friend." That's what I miss. I really did take that for granted. The thing I struggle with is when something like with this guy happens. In the beginning, there is that same ease. There's no anxiety, no panic, no discomfort...it's so easy, it makes me feel so good. Then, it goes south. It's hard to let go of the "but it was so awesome!" feeling/want once the icky feelings set in. 2
tuxedo cat Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 It sounds like what you need is someone who is expressive and maybe comes on strong enough to ignite your passion but who doesn't fizzle out. Or if there's a lessening of intensity over time, the relationship settles into a comfortable, deep attachment. I don't really know how to tell those guys apart from the fizzlers, though.
sb129 Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 You know what's funny? He said, "Sometimes I feel like we could have a closeness, sometimes I'm not sure. Sometimes I feel the click, sometimes it's only a little there." I've always felt that we had a closeness that was building, but I felt the same way about the click, and believed (still do) that you can't be 100% "on" all the time and be feeling the click/spark 24/7. What I did notice though, was that I didn't feel the click/spark during the moments where I wasn't being all lively and fun and entertaining, but felt it when I was. It's as though I picked up on the fact that he liked that lively, fun, entertaining side of me, but not the quieter, more introspective person. I enjoy the deeper moments or the silences. He doesn't seem to. It would be EXHAUSTING having to keep being the lively, fun, entertaining Star, just to keep him feeling the click/spark and keep him feeling challenged. You've identified the problem right there! 5 dates is still well within honeymoon period- he should have been feeling the click ALL the time. The fact that he told you he didn't so soon into the R- BIG red flag. NOt to mention the dating other women thing etc. But you know all this already. Sounds like deep down you probably knew it at the time too. And you do know how it should feel- (oh skiman!) I guess you're just wondering when to pull the pin if you see it happening again... 1
Author Star Gazer Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 I guess you're just wondering when to pull the pin if you see it happening again... Exactly. I almost feel lucky with this guy in that he actually verbalized and articulated the "cold" (as opposed to the "hot"), so it was pretty hard to miss - although for a bit I chose to ignore it/hope it would change because I liked him so much. With other guys, they don't actually articulate anything, they just don't call/text/initiate dates as often, and I just feel like something's off. I'm left wondering, "Uh oh, something's changed. Is he going cold now? Or is this normal? Or...?" Although, it's been a long time since I've felt that, really. I feel like I'm sitting here thinking, "This always happens to me!" when in reality, it's been a long, long time since it has. Hmph. I really am being oversensitive, I think. I had a date lined up on Monday, and he had to cancel/reschedule, and I was more upset about it than I should have been. Like, it smarted, or something. I realized then that I needed a big 'ole break, to lick my wounds. I told the guy as much, and he was pretty understanding, and said he'll circle back in a few weeks/months to see how I'm doing. 1
Author Star Gazer Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 What happened with ski man? We broke up in... summer of 2010 (I think?). In short, he "fell out of love with me." He loved me, but he wasn't "in love" with me anymore (and I felt the same way, to be honest). He also had a drinking problem. It wasn't a completely fulfilling relationship because the fire and passion was missing; but it was still the happiest and most emotionally secure relationship I'd ever been in.
SJC2008 Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 We broke up in... summer of 2010. Hmm? I thought it was the summer of 69' and that it would last forever lol!
Charlene78 Posted March 14, 2013 Posted March 14, 2013 You say that he started dating other women without you knowing about it initially. But then instead of being concerned about your feelings, he was concerned about "being seen as a jerk". That's a pretty egocentric view of him on the situation. You were the one that was at risk getting your heart broken by him, while he was concerned with his image. I think that if you proceed to pursue this guy, he will end up breaking your heart Star Gazer. If he's capable of dating other women behind your back and not seeing the potential hurt it could cause you, but rather concerned about how others view him, then that's a character trait that is cause for concern. 1
Author Star Gazer Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 If he's capable of dating other women behind your back and not seeing the potential hurt it could cause you, but rather concerned about how others view him, then that's a character trait that is cause for concern. I hadn't really thought of it that way. Then again, the fear of being thought a jerk thing came up in a totally unrelated conversation unrelated to anything having to do with us. Then yet again, while he apologized for leading me on, I don't recall acknowledgement that he'd hurt me, which I made pretty clear when I told him that I was so disturbed I wanted to puke in my mouth.
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