Emotionally unavailable? CP? Or just a jerk?

[CudLRoo]

Too much hassle. Bit of a tosser, tbh, don't waste your time and energy.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I like to learn something from my unsuccessful relationships, especially those that leave me feeling hurt.

 

Sometimes things just don't work out love.

 

 

 

You can try to decipher even move of his but ultimately, what are you trying to learn? If it was his fault, then you didn't do anything wrong and have nothing to learn from.

[Star Gazer]

As a thought, did they need a lot of validation?

 

Soldier definitely did; it was painfully obvious. He fished for compliments and had a very ugly response to any form of criticism, perceived or real.

 

This guy? I really don't know. He didn't seem to need it, no. If anything, it was the opposite. Whenever I'd compliment him, he actually seemed uncomfortable. At one point after I complimented something about him, he said he wasn't used to the attention I gave him. I certainly didn't gush over him, so I don't know why the occasional compliment made him uncomfortable. And he accepts feedback like a champ, really. His ego doesn't seem to bruise easily.

 

Now, compare your physical chemistry over time (since starting slow can have less physical impact at the beginning) in your safe feeling relationships versus with the commitment phobes.

 

Physical chemistry was never really there. It was comfortable, but it never got HOT and dare I say I wound up avoiding sex with them.

 

So, come on hot and woo me and the physical will be off the charts but I'll be on an emotional rollercoaster... OR, come on like a slow burn and make me feel emotionally safe and secure in the relationship but never have any real passion or heat.

 

It feels like I'm screwed either way. Blah!

[tbf]

Soldier definitely did; it was painfully obvious. He fished for compliments and had a very ugly response to any form of criticism, perceived or real.

Soldier needed someone who would stroke him all the time. Exhausting.

 

This guy? I really don't know. He didn't seem to need it, no. If anything, it was the opposite. Whenever I'd compliment him, he actually seemed uncomfortable. At one point after I complimented something about him, he said he wasn't used to the attention I gave him. I certainly didn't gush over him, so I don't know why the occasional compliment made him uncomfortable. And he accepts feedback like a champ, really. His ego doesn't seem to bruise easily.

This guy sounds like he preferred someone who's more negative, someone who would make him jump and every time he reached that bar, lift the bar some more. Exhausting.

 

Physical chemistry was never really there. It was comfortable, but it never got HOT and dare I say I wound up avoiding sex with them.

Sounds like the two of you weren't sexually compatible. One driver for many women including myself, is that the greater the desire in men, the more our sexuality comes to the forefront.

 

So, come on hot and woo me and the physical will be off the charts but I'll be on an emotional rollercoaster... OR, come on like a slow burn and make me feel emotionally safe and secure in the relationship but never have any real passion or heat.

 

It feels like I'm screwed either way. Blah!

Not screwed. You haven't met the right guy yet, with the right mix of passion and consistency. Or does consistency somehow reduce your passion?

 

One question. How do you behave when you fear loss?

[Star Gazer]

This guy sounds like he preferred someone who's more negative, someone who would make him jump and every time he reached that bar, lift the bar some more. Exhausting.

 

Before I bought in, he used to say that he "liked my style" because I "left him wanting more." The chase was on.

 

Sounds like the two of you weren't sexually compatible. One driver for many women including myself, is that the greater the desire in men, the more our sexuality comes to the forefront.

 

I'm very much the same way. Feeling wanted makes me hot.

 

Not screwed. You haven't met the right guy yet, with the right mix of passion and consistency. Or does consistency somehow reduce your passion?

 

Consistency turns me on. Inconsistency creates anxiety, which I sometimes confuse with a sort of butterfly-excitement.

 

One question. How do you behave when you fear loss?

 

I think I behave the same towards the guy in question; but inside, I'm conflicted and full of anxiety. I'm sure this comes across in some fashion or he intuitively picks up on it, but I can't think of absolute ways in which my behavior changes.

[Star Gazer]

You can try to decipher even move of his but ultimately, what are you trying to learn? If it was his fault, then you didn't do anything wrong and have nothing to learn from.

 

I totally disagree. There's always, ALWAYS something to learn. I think you're a little smug given that you're happy in your current relationship. Are you honestly saying you've had an "oh well!" attitude with every guy you've dated before who didn't work out? That's a lazy way to live life, IMO... To not look for growth opportunities from things that go wrong.

 

Here, I want to learn how to identify his type so that I can avoid him and avoid getting hurt in the future. I also want to figure out why I keep choosing emotionally unavailable men.

[FitChick]

The only person you can control or change is yourself. What do you believe about yourself, love, men, relationships that puts you in situations with men like that? It also attracts them to you. Once you eliminate those beliefs you will disappear from the radar of most of those men. If one comes into your sphere, you will recognize him quickly and move on without a backward glance.

 

I wasted too much time trying to figure things out, figure men out and nothing changed until I eliminated a crap load of beliefs!

[Untouchable_Fire]

I totally disagree. There's always, ALWAYS something to learn. I think you're a little smug given that you're happy in your current relationship. Are you honestly saying you've had an "oh well!" attitude with every guy you've dated before who didn't work out? That's a lazy way to live life, IMO... To not look for growth opportunities from things that go wrong.

Here, I want to learn how to identify his type so that I can avoid him and avoid getting hurt in the future. I also want to figure out why I keep choosing emotionally unavailable men.

 

Seriously... you have been in and out of relationships just like this for years! You should be sipping champagne and going for long walks on the beach with your soul-mate by now.

 

How many relationships have you had over 10 years? Why does every single guy you date wind up with either the guy being a dirtbag or things slowly sliding south?

 

I really don't get it. You honestly come across as a very good woman. Are you just that bad at picking men?

[Star Gazer]

Seriously... you have been in and out of relationships just like this for years! You should be sipping champagne and going for long walks on the beach with your soul-mate by now.

 

How many relationships have you had over 10 years? Why does every single guy you date wind up with either the guy being a dirtbag or things slowly sliding south?

 

I really don't get it. You honestly come across as a very good woman. Are you just that bad at picking men?

 

The bolded simply isn't true. I post on LS about my relationships only when I'm having trouble with them, not when I'm in one that's going well/happy.

 

I'd say that it's not so much that I am bad at picking men to date at the outset, because at the outset they treat me fantastically. Rather, I struggle with getting out at the first sign that it's going nowhere. I stick around longer than I should, waiting for The Guy From The Beginning to rerun.

[Untouchable_Fire]

The bolded simply isn't true. I post on LS about my relationships only when I'm having trouble with them, not when I'm in one that's going well/happy.

I'd say that it's not so much that I am bad at picking men to date at the outset, because at the outset they treat me fantastically. Rather, I struggle with getting out at the first sign that it's going nowhere. I stick around longer than I should, waiting for The Guy From The Beginning to rerun.

 

It just blows my mind, because I would really consider you to be on the very high quality end of the dating spectrum... I can't believe you would have these sorts of issues. It's like the men in your area have crazy good options.

 

I've bounced in and out of relationships myself... but I have not been dumped in like 8 years. Unless of course you count my cheating ex. Is cheating the same as dumping someone?

 

Yeah, you come across as very sincere and trusting. Those are fantastic traits... do you feel like it is working against you?

[xxoo]

I'd say that it's not so much that I am bad at picking men to date at the outset, because at the outset they treat me fantastically. Rather, I struggle with getting out at the first sign that it's going nowhere. I stick around longer than I should, waiting for The Guy From The Beginning to rerun.

 

Can you pinpoint a moment when you should have left his current situation? Or the last one?

[sillyanswer]

I don't want to label him, but yet, I have this need to figure out what happened here so I can avoid it in the future. What do you think is going on with this guy? Commitment phobic? Immature? A player? Doesn't know what he wants? Emotionally unavailable? Just an arsehole?

 

Most of those labels you aren't in a position to tell... because you have a sample of one (you) so you can't remove the bias... For example, is he commitment phobic or does he just not want to commit to you?

 

You don't want to label him... so just put it down to you and him not being compatible for a relationship.

 

 

 

Oh, and he's an arsehole. I'll give you that one.

 

Better luck next time!

[Star Gazer]

It just blows my mind, because I would really consider you to be on the very high quality end of the dating spectrum... I can't believe you would have these sorts of issues. It's like the men in your area have crazy good options.

 

In all honesty, even most of the guys I meet acknowledge that the great girl-to guy ratio is like 5:1 in my area compared to others. It's really bizarre how many awesome women there are, and how many crap guys there are. It makes the guys feel like they have more latitude to be jerkoffs.

 

Yeah, you come across as very sincere and trusting. Those are fantastic traits... do you feel like it is working against you?

 

Yes, I do. But I also don't want to have to be the alternative in order to be successful. It's a Catch 22.

[Star Gazer]

Can you pinpoint a moment when you should have left his current situation? Or the last one?

 

This situation, yes. After 5 dates, he told me he wasn't sure what he wanted, but reiterated that if he continued dating me, that he'd only be dating me. The moment he expressed doubt like that, I should have bailed. However, his uncertainty was based on a miscommunication hiccup, and I liked him enough to see if we could allow for a mulligan. Bad move.

 

With Soldier Boy, I should have bailed when he decided to take his mid-deployment R&R with his best friend instead of with me. Instead, I waited until he failed to show up at the finish line when I completed my first marathon.

[pteromom]

He also bails as soon as a woman stops being a challenge.

 

Yikes - the issue is you should listen to what a guy says and react accordingly. If someone says to you "as soon as it isn't a challenge, I bail", RUN AWAY. Talk about pressure to always be exciting and interesting and keep that "challenge" going.

 

I think what you need to learn from this is to really pay attention to who someone is. I am sure you got information about his checklist and challenge-issues and all that before his breakup speech. Don't think you can change someone or if you love someone enough, he'll become who you want him to be.

 

Instead keep your head and heart in balance, and if someone just doesn't fit with you, walk away, even if you have chemistry or butterflies for him.

[Star Gazer]

I think what you need to learn from this is to really pay attention to who someone is. I am sure you got information about his checklist and challenge-issues and all that before his breakup speech. Don't think you can change someone or if you love someone enough, he'll become who you want him to be.

 

I was actually shocked to hear about his checklist and this vision of the ideal woman he has, because when we first started dating, one of the things he said he liked most about me was that I had chucked MY checklist of boxes that need to be ticked off, and instead was/am looking for someone I feel chemistry with who I share similar values with (none of the typical he must be this, that or the other crap), because he'd chucked his checklist too.

 

Another misrepresentation that I only came to find out at the very end.

[xxoo]

This situation, yes. After 5 dates, he told me he wasn't sure what he wanted, but reiterated that if he continued dating me, that he'd only be dating me. The moment he expressed doubt like that, I should have bailed. However, his uncertainty was based on a miscommunication hiccup, and I liked him enough to see if we could allow for a mulligan. Bad move.

 

With Soldier Boy, I should have bailed when he decided to take his mid-deployment R&R with his best friend instead of with me. Instead, I waited until he failed to show up at the finish line when I completed my first marathon.

 

What did you do in those situations? Confront them with your feelings, or push your feelings aside?

 

I feel that if you are very honest and confront them with your feelings (not accusations), it gets things out sooner than later. A lot of people will bail, but that's ok. It screens for those truly interested, and truly compatible.

[Star Gazer]

What did you do in those situations? Confront them with your feelings, or push your feelings aside?

 

I feel that if you are very honest and confront them with your feelings (not accusations), it gets things out sooner than later. A lot of people will bail, but that's ok. It screens for those truly interested, and truly compatible.

 

I was VERY open with my feelings with both men in both situations.

 

With Soldier, I said I was very upset that he was choosing to go to Australia on R&R with his BFF instead of me, and that it was making me question how committed he was to our relationship. He explained that they'd planned the trip when he got deployment orders and before we'd gotten back together, and that in all likelihood, we'd be getting married and this would be his last chance for a "brocation." I bought it. But I ended up being right: he wasn't nearly as invested in our relationship as I was, as he should have been to keep it moving forward.

 

With this guy, I told him that I was disappointed that he suddenly, after 5 amazing dates, didn't know if he wanted to continue dating me. I unequivocally told him that I wouldn't date a guy who didn't return my feelings and certainly would not compete with other women for his attention, and his response was, "You won't have to. If I'm dating you, you're the only one I'm dating because I'm a one-woman-at-a-time guy." He was leaving a few days later for his 3 week trip, and I pretty much told him to figure his sh*t out and let me know when he got back if he wanted to continue dating me (and only me). He kept in contact his entire trip, and called me on his way back into town and immediately asked to see me. So, I figured we were back on track. Clearly, I was wrong.

[xxoo]

If you were "back together", does that mean you'd broken up before?

 

As for the recent guy, a statement like not knowing what he wants merits checking back in periodically, esp if you are growing attached. If you really liked him, there needed to a conversation where you told him, "This is where I'm at. I need to know if you are where I am or not. If not, I've got to know."

[Star Gazer]

If you were "back together", does that mean you'd broken up before?

 

We dated in 2006, and split due to distance. We rekindled in 2011; for some reason, I was okay with the distance the second time around. I thought he was worth it.

 

As for the recent guy, a statement like not knowing what he wants merits checking back in periodically, esp if you are growing attached. If you really liked him, there needed to a conversation where you told him, "This is where I'm at. I need to know if you are where I am or not. If not, I've got to know."

 

Right, and that's what happened when we talked it out...and at which point he explained that he didn't actually make good on his one-woman-at-a-time thing.

[xxoo]

We dated in 2006, and split due to distance. We rekindled in 2011; for some reason, I was okay with the distance the second time around. I thought he was worth it.

 

 

 

Right, and that's what happened when we talked it out...and at which point he explained that he didn't actually make good on his one-woman-at-a-time thing.

 

Did you bring it up again before getting intimate physically?

[Star Gazer]

Did you bring it up again before getting intimate physically?

 

No. He'd voluntarily said that he only dates one woman at a time on three separate occasions. He also said that if/when we were intimate, he would then expect it to be mutually exclusive (as in, me not dating anyone else from that point forward too). I felt I had no reason to verify his rules were still the same given that he'd already said it three times, and even now if I could go back in time I wouldn't have asked/verified for a fourth time. When someone tells me I'm the only one three times, I believe them. I don't keep asking.

[xxoo]

No. He'd voluntarily said that he only dates one woman at a time on three separate occasions. He also said that if/when we were intimate, he would then expect it to be mutually exclusive (as in, me not dating anyone else from that point forward too). I felt I had no reason to verify his rules were still the same given that he'd already said it three times, and even now if I could go back in time I wouldn't have asked/verified for a fourth time. When someone tells me I'm the only one three times, I believe them. I don't keep asking.

 

But he also said he didn't know what he wanted. If you knew what you wanted (a relationship), it would be wise to readdress that issue before getting physical.

 

That's what I would have brought up again. I probably would have brought it up before resuming anything after the 3 week trip.

[Star Gazer]

But he also said he didn't know what he wanted. If you knew what you wanted (a relationship), it would be wise to readdress that issue before getting physical.

 

That's what I would have brought up again. I probably would have brought it up before resuming anything after the 3 week trip.

 

I still wouldn't have done it any differently, given what he said and that literally all of his time here in town was spent with me. After saying he didn't know what he wanted, he repeated that when he came back, if he we picked back up dating, that he would only be dating me. He openly admits now that that statement wasn't true, that it was more of a statement of how he "ideally" dates, but not a statement of how he actually dated me. He totally understands why I thought what I did, and is apologetic for it.

 

I feel like if I have to ask someone for verification of our relationship status despite his repeated representations, that's...not good.

[xxoo]

Dating only one person (although I understand that wasn't true) is not necessarily the same thing as being interested in a relationship. Don't you think that would be something to clarify before getting intimate?