Emotionally unavailable? CP? Or just a jerk?

[curlygirl40]

 

 

My money is on a ski trip girl, who lives out of state, who will remain a challenge...

 

I liked him so, so, so much, Curly. I really thought we had something. I feel like a rug was pulled out from under me. My head is spinning.

 

My money is on ski trip girl also. Maybe he was telling you he was dating others to throw you off the scent of the 'other' being someone from the trip.

 

Awww man, that stinks. I hate that feeling, I've had it before too. Then thought to myself 'I'm a smart woman, how did I not see this coming?!!'. So not only do you have to deal with some heartbreak, but then as a bonus you also get to question your judgment. Grrr

[Star Gazer]

My money is on ski trip girl also. Maybe he was telling you he was dating others to throw you off the scent of the 'other' being someone from the trip.

 

Awww man, that stinks. I hate that feeling, I've had it before too. Then thought to myself 'I'm a smart woman, how did I not see this coming?!!'. So not only do you have to deal with some heartbreak, but then as a bonus you also get to question your judgment. Grrr

 

I'm a little more convinced now.

 

We had met on a dating site, and both of our profiles remained up. During a particular point in his trip when he was "meeting a lot of cool people through his friends," he stopped logging in to the site, but started logging in daily once he got back. (I was still on too, so...) Since he's had this "friend" in town, he's stopped logging in again.

 

Yuppppp. He just met someone else he likes more. I wish he would have just said that, instead of picking me apart and blaming me for his "lack of special emotional connection."

[Alma Mobley]

The more you write about this guy, the more he sounds like a guy I know/dated. He is not British, is he?

[Star Gazer]

The more you write about this guy, the more he sounds like a guy I know/dated. He is not British, is he?

 

Nope, he's very American.

[mortensorchid]

He doesn't sound like a good guy at all. From what you said he puts down your self esteem and finds things wrong with you that aren't there. He'll only get worse. Move on.

[Star Gazer]

It really does suck thinking you had something special and then having that fall apart. I'm sorry this happened to you. It's not a good feeling and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. But it was good for me in that it took me out of a particularly depressing time in my life and made me feel alive again. Like Curlygirl said, you'll feel this way again and with someone who is deserving of those feelings.

 

Thanks, girl. Good to "see" you again.

 

And yeah, it was good for me too. When Soldier Boy and I fell apart (effing PTSD), I was in a pretty bad place. He was emotionally numb and like...dead, behind the eyes. Having someone express such keen interest and woo/romance me brought all of those wonderful loving feelings I know I'm capable of having back to the surface.

 

In your situation, it does seem like he became caught up in someone else who presented more of a challenge and was therefore more appealing--but once that heats up I bet he'll pull away from her too. The way he picked you apart reads like he was trying to justify his duplicitous actions and/or make him come off like a jerk so you would be the one to end it with him.

 

He's told me that one of his biggest fears is being considered a jerk.

[beach]

I don't know why I didn't see the red flags (if there were any?) and how I fell for this guy's game. I'm annoyed and hurt and confused and just icky feeling. I thought I was smarter than this...

 

You didn't see it because he's a liar and a player - one who can't seem to connect with women on an emotionally deep level.

 

He's hurt and in fear - so he keeps his distance while he lies.

 

Nothing about him sounds good. The ones with the most game are the ones I watch out for - and avoid. They honed their skills by being distant.

[dasein]

The rebound factor clouded your vision, and IMO reverberations from your immediate prior relationship are causing you to not be laughing this tool off as you might otherwise be, but feel chapped instead. Give yourself a breather for a good few months, no more rebounds, and consider putting a rubber band on your wrist and snapping it every time you want to waste time trying to figure this guy out. He's no prize, and wasn't going to magically morph into one. He's done this many times, and then tries to turn "who me?" reflective and sensible to keep himself looking in the mirror and feeling like a "good guy" when he is a child and an a-hole. Of course when people say they only date one person at a time, it's a reasonable inference that if they are dating you, they aren't dating anyone else. Have been caught with this trick in the past, so when I hear stuff like that now, I always go a little lawyer on them with at least a "what do you mean by that exactly?" Good luck.

Edited March 10, 2013 by dasein

[beach]

And when he attacked your character - it makes me wonder if he's the abusive type. He could have just owned his bad behavior - but he chose to move to criticizing you. That's not ok!

[Star Gazer]

And when he attacked your character - it makes me wonder if he's the abusive type. He could have just owned his bad behavior - but he chose to move to criticizing you. That's not ok!

 

He's totally hypocritical. As an example, we had a little communication hiccup after that 5th date, and he fully admitted that he contributed to the miscommunication and apologized for it. However, he STILL says that how he interpreted my miscommunication during that same hiccup turned him off. So, it's okay for what I do to turn him off, but he expects when he does the very same thing to get off scot free?

 

Same thing with this instance of me interrupting him during a conversation. I did it to relate to him and express that I understood what he was saying. On THREE separate occasions, HE would actually cut me off mid-sentence and say, "I don't want to talk about this." Totally silly topics, mind you - like food, or something - not subjects that were touchy or whatever.

 

Hypocrite.

[Star Gazer]

The rebound factor clouded your vision, and IMO reverberations from your immediate prior relationship are causing you to not be laughing this tool off as you might otherwise be, but feel chapped instead. Give yourself a breather for a good few months, no more rebounds, and consider putting a rubber band on your wrist and snapping it every time you want to waste time trying to figure this guy out.

 

I know you're right. I really do. I'm kinda kicking myself.

 

He's no prize, and wasn't going to magically morph into one. He's done this many times, and then tries to turn "who me?" reflective and sensible to keep himself looking in the mirror and feeling like a "good guy" when he is a child and an a-hole. Of course when people say they only date one person at a time, it's a reasonable inference that if they are dating you, they aren't dating anyone else. Have been caught with this trick in the past, so when I hear stuff like that now, I always go a little lawyer on them with at least a "what do you mean by that exactly?" Good luck.

 

Thank you. I find it particularly helpful hearing this from a guy!

[beach]

He's not worth another thought. What a jerkoff.

[Star Gazer]

And like Beach said, he didn't own his behavior and immediately moved to attack.

 

To be fair, when I reminded him of what he'd said, and what assumptions I'd been operating under, he seemed like he sincerely understood and regretted creating a situation that made me feel led on to the extent I was. But he also didn't seem surprised at my interpretation; he seemed like he was actually expecting it. I think he knew better.

 

But fairly quickly after expressing remorse, he went into a series of reasons to "justify" why he had chosen to date other people, one of which was telling me that I am "not as captivating as he thinks I should be."

 

Seriously. He said that.

[tbf]

Sorry to hear about this guy but I will admit to being glad that it's over with soldier boy. He had some issues that could easily have ripped your heart out worse over the long run.

 

Second guy:

1. Two weeks to two months per relationship with only one year long LDR and he's 33.
   
2. He lied to you about dating one at a time AND forgot.
   
3. Came on strong and then fizzled out.
   

 

1 + 2 + 3 = COMMITMENT PHOBE

 

I too agree that your prior relationship muddied your vision with this guy. Did this guy remind you of soldier boy a bit, both in search of their unrealistic ideals?

[xxoo]

He's told me that one of his biggest fears is being considered a jerk.

 

That's telling. Probably because it happens so often.

 

Also, if that's his biggest fear, assume he'll lie to avoid looking bad. Don't trust him to be honest and forthcoming if the truth makes him look bad.

[Vallez]

First be happy! You know why? Because this guy was in the end really honest with you and you know what you can or can't expect from him right now. I think its easier to move on in those situations, then for example mine situation I experienced.

 

My guy is not honest with me, its a LD "fling". He claims he is crazy about me more then I am, I fell for it. Then he goes on a mute, then when I want to talk about it and say to him to be honest, guess what he does. He is being a son of a biatch He tells me he is having hard times in his life but that he is still crazy for me and wants me in his life when it settels down. He is busy! WRONG, he is B like Bull****! with capital B! I let him go, I told him how I feel and showed him that he can not disrespect me or something. I don't want him to hunt me or chase me anymore. I know I'm a challenge right now for him and that he will try to put his moves on me again!

 

Your guy will do the same thing eventually, belive me. Its the same profile of men. They are sensitive, chase you, you think wow he is really something, you fall for it thinking its nice: he is the one then likes me more then I like him.

Because my mom always says: "Waste your time on someone who always likes you a little bit more!"

 

Its not our fault for them being an *******s We did nothing wrong. Sometimes you can't see how things will go, because there are no signs.

 

Its obvious this guy is affraid of commitment and he has unrealistic expectations about his dream girl. He wants something he can't have and its not good. Those men are always unhappy and lonely in the end.

 

I am sure he will do the same what he did to you to the girl he is dating right now, because its what they do. If you made a good impression, belive me as I said above be ready that he will want to chase you again, maybe not now, maybe in a couple of months.

 

Its whats happens to me all the time. I meet a guy its all great, then he gets scared and comes back, but I get turned off and I tell them to leave me alone. Then guys that were a nice catch a good guys, I was not interested in them. I left them. Why because admit it or not its a psyhology. You never want something that is thrown at you. I wasn't interested in my current crush too at first because he threw himself at me also being nice and goodguy at start. When I started to feel like I'm being played and that I'll loose him, I ended up chasing him, but I guess it turned him off. Its the cycle it goes on in life. You will learn something from this experience. As they say you can have all with one person at some point but timing is a biatch! Its not your fault. One day with someone else things will fall together in a perfect time and all will end up great!

[Anela]

He doesn't sound like a good guy at all. From what you said he puts down your self esteem and finds things wrong with you that aren't there. He'll only get worse. Move on.

 

And when he attacked your character - it makes me wonder if he's the abusive type. He could have just owned his bad behavior - but he chose to move to criticizing you. That's not ok!

 

This sounds like someone who was in my life, too. I actually said to hm a few yew years ago, something that I saw just recently in the Silver Linings Playbook. "You think I'm crazier than you! You think I'm crazier than you?!" pointing out that I'd been a hell of a lot more sane than he was, before he started on me. He hardly ever owned his own behaviour, but expected everyone else to own theirs.

[JuneJulySeptember]

He is 33.

 

Objectively, he's really not all that attractive. My friends find him funny looking, goofy even. I was attracted to his personality and charm and his interest level, and was ravenously attracted to him as a result. I was drawn in by the physical. Our physical connection is seriously off the charts; he's acknowledged as much, and said that he just needed that special emotional connection to want him to take our relationship a step further, but he's not sure he feels it... not sure he can feel it, for anyone.

 

 

Yes, he sounds like a player, I'm sorry.

 

On a side note, do women really do that to guys? I imagined they do. Tear apart and criticize men their friends are dating that is.

 

I mean men I know criticize women who have been potentials for me (and I respect them less for it) but NEVER when I have been with them, at least not to my face.

[Star Gazer]

I can't stop thinking about him.

[Star Gazer]

Sorry to hear about this guy but I will admit to being glad that it's over with soldier boy. He had some issues that could easily have ripped your heart out worse over the long run.

 

Second guy:

1. Two weeks to two months per relationship with only one year long LDR and he's 33.
   
2. He lied to you about dating one at a time AND forgot.
   
3. Came on strong and then fizzled out.
   

 

1 + 2 + 3 = COMMITMENT PHOBE

 

I too agree that your prior relationship muddied your vision with this guy. Did this guy remind you of soldier boy a bit, both in search of their unrealistic ideals?

 

Both have had trouble feeling that something special for anyone long term. However, Soldier Boy thought I was perfect and never criticized me, at least not to my face. He also never criticized other women. This guy is highly critical and openly expects near perfection.

[tbf]

Both have had trouble feeling that something special for anyone long term.

So what's your takeaway from these two guys and also past experiences with other men? What similarities do the majority of these men have, that draws you to them?

 

However, Soldier Boy thought I was perfect and never criticized me, at least not to my face. He also never criticized other women. This guy is highly critical and openly expects near perfection.

The second guy's such a jackass.

[Star Gazer]

So what's your takeaway from these two guys and also past experiences with other men? What similarities do the majority of these men have, that draws you to them?

 

I don't know what the takeaway is, that's kinda what I'm trying to figure out.

 

The similarities I do see in most of the men I date (including these last two) is that they woo me with their charm and initial hot pursuit. They "hook me," so to speak.

 

But I also recognize that my longest and most emotionally-safe feeling relationships (Skiman being one of them) did NOT start off this way, but rather our feelings towards each other developed rather slowly but surely.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Why does there have to be something wrong with him?

 

 

 

 

 

Just chalk it up to it not working out and move on to the next one!

[tbf]

I don't know what the takeaway is, that's kinda what I'm trying to figure out.

 

The similarities I do see in most of the men I date (including these last two) is that they woo me with their charm and initial hot pursuit. They "hook me," so to speak.

As a thought, did they need a lot of validation?

 

But I also recognize that my longest and most emotionally-safe feeling relationships (Skiman being one of them) did NOT start off this way, but rather our feelings towards each other developed rather slowly but surely.

Now, compare your physical chemistry over time (since starting slow can have less physical impact at the beginning) in your safe feeling relationships versus with the commitment phobes.

[Star Gazer]

Why does there have to be something wrong with him?

 

Just chalk it up to it not working out and move on to the next one!

 

I like to learn something from my unsuccessful relationships, especially those that leave me feeling hurt.