Emotionally unavailable? CP? Or just a jerk?

[Star Gazer]

Hi friends! It's been a while since I've turned to the masses for help, but I'm struggling a bit now, and could use some sage advice. I know I'm a little prolific when I write about my own troubles, so I thank you in advance for reading and responding.

 

So, my relationship with Soldier Boy ended in December, and I pretty much rebounded right into a short-term relationship with someone else. For a short bit there, I was really happy! But now, I'm not. It's pretty much a classic fact pattern, so I shouldn't be surprised, and yet... I am, probably because it's a fact pattern that I can't recall ever having experienced myself.

 

In short, a guy came on strong, brought the well-honed woo, and as soon as I bought in, he bailed.

 

More details: He had represented several times that he only dates one person at a time, and so I operated under the assumption that if he was dating me and being intimate with me, that I was the only woman he was dating. (Yes, I should have had "the talk" if I wanted an officially exclusive relationship, but he wasn't just saying, "I'm not dating anyone else," he was specifically saying, "I only date one woman at a time until it's over, and right now you are that woman.") After we were intimate, he said that he wasn't willing to take our relationship to the next level yet because he is still dating (and making out with) other women, and said he's still working out how he feels about me. When he told me that this past Monday, I almost puked in my mouth. I was disgusted.

 

We met to talk things out, and I refreshed his recollection about what he'd represented to me before, and how they obviously don't line up with his actions. He said that hearing me go over what he'd said before, he now remembered having said those words (I had to remind him!?) and acknowledged and apologized for having led me on and mislead me. He said that ideally he does prefer to date one woman at a time, and that's how it started off with me, but it ultimately went in a different direction. He said that after the first 5 dates, he said he questioned whether he could feel that "special emotional connection" with me that he wants/needs to take a relationship to the next level, and so he started dating other women - without telling me that his dating M.O. had changed. This shocked me for two reasons: (1) those first 5 dates were AMAZING, and I thought everything was going PERFECTLY solely based on HIS behavior. He came one HOT, and I was actually thankful that I'd met someone who was so demonstrative with his interest!; and (2) it took him over a month went by before he told me he'd taken up dating other women, and it only came up (I think) because I felt him going hot-cold, and so I told him that I wasn't trying to rush him into a serious relationship and wasn't worried about his intentions because I believed him to be a man of real integrity. Oh, the irony!!!

 

In explaining why he thought he couldn't feel that special emotional connection for me, he picked me apart over really stupid, minor things - things that no guy who's really into me would have ever used as a potential deal breaker. What is more, the way he described how he feels about me (or really, how he only half-feels), and the things that he says make him question our connection, was so asinine and straight up cruel, and I bet he doesn't even realize it. He thinks he's just being "open and honest," I'm sure, but, for example, telling me that he really wasn't all that excited to see me the last time we were together, and that he was pretty much just bored and figured he'd see what I was up to... Not nice. He openly talked about how ambivalent he is towards me. He could have explained his lack of feelings in such a much more tactful manner.

 

He also said that he's starting to wonder why it is that he's been unable to feel that special emotional connection that would make him want to take the relationship to the next level - with anyone, save for one woman who was a challenge for over a year. As soon as she was no longer a challenge, he lost interest. He said that he has an "ideal vision" in his mind of what the woman he's supposed to end up with is like, made up of a pretty lengthy checklist, and when he's dating a woman, if she does/says something that makes him question whether she meets everything on his long checklist, he bails. He also bails as soon as a woman stops being a challenge. (That's what happened with us; as soon as I started showing him that I was really into him in return, he got...weird.) All of his relationships (except for the challenge girl) have been one week (yes, WEEK) to about 2 months in length because of this, and he refers to them moreso as flings than relationships. The only real "girlfriend" that I'm aware of that he's had is the one that remained a challenge for over a year, and they were long-distance the entire time (hence the challenge). He is 33.

 

Objectively, he's really not all that attractive. My friends find him funny looking, goofy even. I was attracted to his personality and charm and his interest level, and was ravenously attracted to him as a result. I was drawn in by the physical. Our physical connection is seriously off the charts; he's acknowledged as much, and said that he just needed that special emotional connection to want him to take our relationship a step further, but he's not sure he feels it... not sure he can feel it, for anyone.

 

When I told him that he was the only guy I had been dating since our first date, he was shocked. He said he didn't realize how much he resonated with me, or that I was that into him. Then he said that he recognized he'd really muddled things up with me, and that I'd given him a lot to think about, and that he was going to have to re-trace his steps some. I have no idea what his intentions are, and I'm not sure I care. But yet, I'm annoyed that he's made no effort to contact me since. Like, he gets to be a jerk, and I'm left here holding the bag wondering WTF happened.

 

From what he's shared previously, he had somewhat of an emotionally tumultuous childhood and teenage years (mother died when he was young, his father was often not physically present, he hated his step mother, flee'd the family home to move thousands of miles away in high school), and after college, he was in the military and moving around and being deployed a lot. If I were to play arm-chair psychologist, I would gather that he's been unable to form emotional attachments to places and people - pretty much his whole life.

 

I don't want to label him, but yet, I have this need to figure out what happened here so I can avoid it in the future. What do you think is going on with this guy? Commitment phobic? Immature? A player? Doesn't know what he wants? Emotionally unavailable? Just an arsehole?

[The Tallest One]

I would say he's a selfish immature jerk to say the least! Run from this maggot a.s.a.p.! Don't look back you deserve sooooo much better! Take things much slower with the next guy! Most guys will say and do anything to have sex! Be more cautious next time please, think of you more!

[Art_Critic]

Sounds to me that he is sowing his oats, doing anything that moves.. it could be years before he settles down enough for a relationship.

 

Next......

[SJC2008]

Grant it the guy sounds like a jerk but my thoughts are why does it even matter if he's a rebound??

[Star Gazer]

Grant it the guy sounds like a jerk but my thoughts are why does it even matter if he's a rebound??

 

You took me too literally. He wasn't intended to be a rebound in the sense that I intended to use him as a rebound. I sincerely liked him and was sincerely interested in a real relationship. It was just in terms of timing, he was like...immediately after my ex, which makes the ending doubly hurtful. It's compounded.

[Star Gazer]

I would say he's a selfish immature jerk to say the least! Run from this maggot a.s.a.p.! Don't look back you deserve sooooo much better! Take things much slower with the next guy! Most guys will say and do anything to have sex! Be more cautious next time please, think of you more!

 

We didn't actually have sex as in intercourse. We did everything-but. He said that sex would be take the relationship to the next level, and he didn't want to do that because he wasn't sure about our connection. Personally, I don't observe Bill Clinton's definition of sex, so what we did was sex to me... but, whatever.

 

He also said he didn't want to give me mixed signals, but realized that's exactly what he did.

[Els]

My response to your title: Alllll of the above, it sounds like.

[Star Gazer]

My response to your title: Alllll of the above, it sounds like.

 

I don't know how or why I didn't see this coming.

[Els]

I don't know how or why I didn't see this coming.

 

I'm not sure what you mean?

[Star Gazer]

I'm not sure what you mean?

 

I don't know why I didn't see the red flags (if there were any?) and how I fell for this guy's game. I'm annoyed and hurt and confused and just icky feeling. I thought I was smarter than this...

[Els]

I don't know why I didn't see the red flags (if there were any?) and how I fell for this guy's game. I'm annoyed and hurt and confused and just icky feeling. I thought I was smarter than this...

 

Eh, he played a good game on you, said all the right words, you made a mistake. It's okay, no need to kick yourself for it. Personally I would wait for an actual relationship (as opposed to just 'exclusive' dating) to have sex, which reduces the chances of something like this happening, but you should certainly make your own choices.

[SJC2008]

You took me too literally. He wasn't intended to be a rebound in the sense that I intended to use him as a rebound. I sincerely liked him and was sincerely interested in a real relationship. It was just in terms of timing, he was like...immediately after my ex, which makes the ending doubly hurtful. It's compounded.

 

I guess I did but re-reading your post confused me even more. You told him you didn't want to force him into something serious. Ok what is serious to you? If you don't want something "serious" than why do you have to be exclusive? I know people have different definitions of dating/relationship terms. To me serious is when ILY's are being exchanged, lives have "merged" together with friends/family etc. To the last woman serious ment exclusive. Serious isn't exclusive to me, it means we like eachother enough to date exclusively and see where the relationship goes.

[curlygirl40]

Hi Star!

 

My reply is going to be all over the place probably, lots of thoughts going through my head.

 

For one, holy mixed messages.

 

I have to say though that you can't beat yourself up, or look for these sorts of signs in future, or spend too much time trying to figure this guy out.

 

You acted the way you did assuming he was being genuine and honest. That's all you can do. Just because he changed the rules mid 'relationship' shouldn't make you put up walls for the next guy to knock down or mean that you have to spend too much more energy trying to figure him out.

 

I think when people (men and women do this) don't feel that special emotional connection that they are looking for, they do tend to pick people apart because in their mind they are also trying to figure out why 'something is missing'. It was rude of him to point these things out to you though, because it's petty.

 

We've all been crazy about someone and ignored any perceived flaws, then we've all met someone who looked good on paper to only pick them apart later because we didn't feel the connection with them to move forward.

 

I couldn't help when reading this to wonder if he actually was in love with someone else and the reason why he wasn't feeling the emotional connection was because he is still in love with someone else. Just a hunch. That could explain why you guys had great physical chemistry but he felt something was missing. I think when people are hung up on a past love, they don't have room in their hearts for someone else to come in. So they try to move on and meet new people, but they are still too emotionally unavailable to do so.

 

From what you wrote here, and from what he admitted, he likes the challenge and as soon as it's not a challenge he loses interest.

 

OR maybe his petty-ness is him just trying hard not to get too close. Maybe he is afraid of committment and he felt the same level of passion that you did and it scared him so he went back to this long list and realized you didn't meet his impossible criteria and that gave him what he needed to get himself out of a situation before he got in too deep. Committment phobe, could be.

 

I don't think there's anything you can do to avoid this situation in the future. You went forward trusting that what he was telling you was true. That's all you can do. It sucks that he wasn't being honest with you (or being honest with himself) but you went forward with the information you had. That's on him.

 

There's that line in a country song that I always have to remind myself of. I would rather feel pain than nothing at all. So yes it sucks but feel good about the fact that you were willing to get close to someone again. It's his fault that it backfired on you, not your fault for being trusting.

 

Best of luck!!

[Star Gazer]

I guess I did but re-reading your post confused me even more. You told him you didn't want to force him into something serious. Ok what is serious to you? If you don't want something "serious" than why do you have to be exclusive? I know people have different definitions of dating/relationship terms. To me serious is when ILY's are being exchanged, lives have "merged" together with friends/family etc. To the last woman serious ment exclusive. Serious isn't exclusive to me, it means we like eachother enough to date exclusively and see where the relationship goes.

 

This is all really red-herring and irrelevant, IMO. We'd been dating for two months. After we got naked and exchanged orgasms, he started behaving strangely. I figured he was doing the typical post-sex freak-out that many do. We were already not dating anyone else (or so I thought), and I just wanted to relieve the pressure from him in that I wasn't expecting the intimacy to instantly speed anything up. I specifically told him I was enjoying how things were going, and was enjoying building a relationship with him slowly but surely. His response was akin to, "That's good, because I'm not ready for serious anyway because I've been dating other women. Whoopsie!"

[SJC2008]

My best advice would be to google the topic. I have and there are some pretty good articles out there. One sign is that they come on strong, get you hooked then push-pull. "If" staements: "You're the perfect girl but if it wasn't for xyz" (The xyz may not be about you it could be another exusue about something going on in his life).

 

If I was to play arm-chair psychologist I'd say he's a commitment phobe and has mommy issues. He doesn't want a woman who likes him he wants to fight for a womans love, aka challenge. This I why I'm SO against a many mens dating philosophy that we should wait until the woman brings up being exclusive or she'll be on the first train out of town. Good! I'll buy her the ticket becuase an emotionally healthy woman who has the same goal of being in a relationship will not be scared away by a man asking for being exclusive.

[Star Gazer]

For one, holy mixed messages.

 

I have to say though that you can't beat yourself up, or look for these sorts of signs in future, or spend too much time trying to figure this guy out.

 

You acted the way you did assuming he was being genuine and honest. That's all you can do. Just because he changed the rules mid 'relationship' shouldn't make you put up walls for the next guy to knock down or mean that you have to spend too much more energy trying to figure him out.

 

Thank you. That's how I've felt, and I've gone back and forth between beating myself up over it, and feeling justified in believing him and buying in to what he was selling.

 

I think when people (men and women do this) don't feel that special emotional connection that they are looking for, they do tend to pick people apart because in their mind they are also trying to figure out why 'something is missing'. It was rude of him to point these things out to you though, because it's petty.

 

We've all been crazy about someone and ignored any perceived flaws, then we've all met someone who looked good on paper to only pick them apart later because we didn't feel the connection with them to move forward.

 

Right, I've been there too. And if all I knew about was me, I'd be inclined to think that's what it was. But he admitted to doing this with pretty much...every woman he dates.

 

I couldn't help when reading this to wonder if he actually was in love with someone else and the reason why he wasn't feeling the emotional connection was because he is still in love with someone else. Just a hunch. That could explain why you guys had great physical chemistry but he felt something was missing. I think when people are hung up on a past love, they don't have room in their hearts for someone else to come in. So they try to move on and meet new people, but they are still too emotionally unavailable to do so.

 

You know, I kinda have the same hunch. He has "a friend in from out of town right now." Ummmhmmm. I'm wondering if that's a long-distance love of his, the one that was a challenge. He spent like 30 minutes during our last date telling me about the demise of their relationship actually - from almost 2 years ago. I did find that a little weird, that he just went on and on and on about her.

 

From what you wrote here, and from what he admitted, he likes the challenge and as soon as it's not a challenge he loses interest.

 

I told him that I felt him change as soon as I felt myself becoming vulnerable to him, as soon as I had showed him that I was into him/it... and he pretty much agreed, but admitted he's not sure why or how his feelings changed.

 

OR maybe his petty-ness is him just trying hard not to get too close. Maybe he is afraid of committment and he felt the same level of passion that you did and it scared him so he went back to this long list and realized you didn't meet his impossible criteria and that gave him what he needed to get himself out of a situation before he got in too deep. Committment phobe, could be.

 

I kinda don't get the CP vibe from him, because he seems sooooo desirous of a relationship. He seems to expect perfection. I mean, one of his complaints was that while he was telling a particular lively story, I interrupted him to say, "Oh yeah! Yeah! Isn't that cool!" to show that I was listening/related to what he was saying. He took that single act as rude, and rude enough to make him question our connection.

 

I don't think there's anything you can do to avoid this situation in the future. You went forward trusting that what he was telling you was true. That's all you can do. It sucks that he wasn't being honest with you (or being honest with himself) but you went forward with the information you had. That's on him.

 

I don't want to become bitter and jaded, but I'm starting to have some serious trust issues. Soldier Boy took me to Tiffany to try on engagement rings. A week later, he was wondering out loud whether he even wanted to be in a relationship or get married ever - to anyone. Holy mixed signals, from both of these guys!

 

There's that line in a country song that I always have to remind myself of. I would rather feel pain than nothing at all. So yes it sucks but feel good about the fact that you were willing to get close to someone again. It's his fault that it backfired on you, not your fault for being trusting.

 

Best of luck!!

 

I do agree with that. I'd rather love a little too much than not at all. It was a pretty good feeling while it lasted. Boy, was I smitten.

[Star Gazer]

I'll buy her the ticket because an emotionally healthy woman who has the same goal of being in a relationship will not be scared away by a man asking for being exclusive.

 

I have the same philosophy when it comes to men!

 

An emotionally healthy person who has the same goal of being in an exclusive relationship will not be scared away when you bring up the subject.

[SJC2008]

This is all really red-herring and irrelevant, IMO. We'd been dating for two months. After we got naked and exchanged orgasms, he started behaving strangely. I figured he was doing the typical post-sex freak-out that many do. We were already not dating anyone else (or so I thought), and I just wanted to relieve the pressure from him in that I wasn't expecting the intimacy to instantly speed anything up. I specifically told him I was enjoying how things were going, and was enjoying building a relationship with him slowly but surely. His response was akin to, "That's good, because I'm not ready for serious anyway because I've been dating other women. Whoopsie!"

 

I see what you're saying... You didn't want to be the "are we exclusive" gir after the first time having sex. How long into things did yall start to get intimate? Anyway, don't be afraid to state your goals early on, between dates 1-3. You can word things so it doesn't seem like you're foaming at the mouth. Say what you're looking for and don't bring it up agian. "I recently started dating again, I'd like to date and eventually wind up exclusive witht the right guy".

[Eternal Sunshine]

Star, can I post my opinion or you would rather I don't?

[curlygirl40]

 

 

You know, I kinda have the same hunch. He has "a friend in from out of town right now." Ummmhmmm. I'm wondering if that's a long-distance love of his, the one that was a challenge. He spent like 30 minutes during our last date telling me about the demise of their relationship actually - from almost 2 years ago. I did find that a little weird, that he just went on and on and on about her.

 

 

I think my gut was going with this because of an experience I had last year.

 

When we first started talking he told me that he had dated a woman for over a year who went back to her husband (she was only separated when they dated). He told me he needed to move slow because he still had some pain over that relationship not working out.

 

Well, of course he's not going to tell me the truth as I know it today. And that was that he was still madly in love with this woman and he is still (to this day) hanging on to the fact that he believes once her son goes to college later this year that she will leave her husband to be with him.

 

Ugh!! So ya, I think red flags went up on your story because of that. He seems still hooked on the other girl and it seems like maybe he's chasing that 'feeling' that he had with her, and when he can't get that feeling from someone else, he'll keep dating other people until he finds it. But I would argue he won't find it because he's not emotionally available to it. Also, if she's still in his life in any capacity (coming into town to see him, maybe??) it will make it harder for him to move on if he still has feelings for her. So maybe he was running hot with you in the beginning because he had genuine feelings and did want to make it work and was excited about the potential of a new relationship, then she mentioned coming into town and it made him start to pick you apart in his head because he was comparing you to her and he was anticipating her coming. Could explain his almost about face there.

 

If that's the truth then it's a shame because he's hurting people in the process.

 

It feels good to be smitten. You'll feel it again.

[Star Gazer]

Which one are you:

 

Why are you asking? How is this relevant to my inquiry in the OP about HIM?

[ThaWholigan]

Why are you asking? How is this relevant to my inquiry in the OP about HIM?

Report and ignore, Star.

[Star Gazer]

I think my gut was going with this because of an experience I had last year.

 

When we first started talking he told me that he had dated a woman for over a year who went back to her husband (she was only separated when they dated). He told me he needed to move slow because he still had some pain over that relationship not working out.

 

Well, of course he's not going to tell me the truth as I know it today. And that was that he was still madly in love with this woman and he is still (to this day) hanging on to the fact that he believes once her son goes to college later this year that she will leave her husband to be with him.

 

Ugh!! So ya, I think red flags went up on your story because of that. He seems still hooked on the other girl and it seems like maybe he's chasing that 'feeling' that he had with her, and when he can't get that feeling from someone else, he'll keep dating other people until he finds it. But I would argue he won't find it because he's not emotionally available to it. Also, if she's still in his life in any capacity (coming into town to see him, maybe??) it will make it harder for him to move on if he still has feelings for her. So maybe he was running hot with you in the beginning because he had genuine feelings and did want to make it work and was excited about the potential of a new relationship, then she mentioned coming into town and it made him start to pick you apart in his head because he was comparing you to her and he was anticipating her coming. Could explain his almost about face there.

 

If that's the truth then it's a shame because he's hurting people in the process.

 

It feels good to be smitten. You'll feel it again.

 

Yeah, I don't know who it is that's captured his interest on the side, to be honest.

 

He went on a pre-planned 3.5 week ski trip out of state during the middle of our "relationship." Other than that trip, we basically spent every free day/night that he had together. The other day when we talked this all out, I told him, "I don't know how you even had time to date anyone else, given our momentum and the amount of time we spent together!" and he kinda made a face that was like, "Yeah, you're right..."

 

Which makes me think that he either met someone on that ski trip, or he's rekindled something from the past via phone/email/whatever and considers that dating too. Then again, he also told me that he hasn't gone beyond making out with anyone since he's met me, so clearly he's been in someone's physical presence...

 

My money is on a ski trip girl, who lives out of state, who will remain a challenge...

 

I liked him so, so, so much, Curly. I really thought we had something. I feel like a rug was pulled out from under me. My head is spinning.

[Star Gazer]

Star, can I post my opinion or you would rather I don't?

 

Have at it. I'm all ears.

[Star Gazer]

I see what you're saying... You didn't want to be the "are we exclusive" gir after the first time having sex. How long into things did yall start to get intimate? Anyway, don't be afraid to state your goals early on, between dates 1-3. You can word things so it doesn't seem like you're foaming at the mouth. Say what you're looking for and don't bring it up agian. "I recently started dating again, I'd like to date and eventually wind up exclusive witht the right guy".

 

I did that at around date 5, coincidentally when he now says he started questioning our connection. He says he was "turned off" by me saying that. It was at date 5 that I felt myself buying in to what he was selling, and starting to become vulnerable to him, and wanted to make sure we had the same goals in dating. He openly admits picking up on this vulnerability/buying in, and being "turned off" not only on my expression of wanting exclusivity to be the goal (despite the fact that he has the same goal and operates by dating one woman at a time anyway!) and the fact that he could sense that the challenge was over... he knew he'd hooked me.