So afraid guys are just looking for sex that I'm on edge. Signs?

[sillychick]

I have a question but first I'll tell the story.

 

I have just started dating a guy I met on Match.

 

He e-mailed me and I thought he lived kinda far away (just over an hour), his profile was very short and he only had one picture, plus I was e-mailing with others so I just let it go. About 2 weeks after his original e-mail I returned volley. We started e-mailing daily at that point, then went to texting and phone calls, then he asked me out for dinner.

 

We had a great time at dinner, definitely felt a strong vibe that there was mutual interest.

 

I wasn't even home before he was texting me again.

 

Every single morning he texts me (usually before I even wake up, I turn on my phone and there's the text from him. Every single day) and we will go back and forth all day, sometimes with huge breaks in the convo depending on how busy we are with work. If I'm busy with work and don't return his texts, he will pick up the convo again later in the day by texting me again.

 

I don't think I have initiated a single text or a single get together. He is doing all of the heavy lifting so to speak.

 

We've been out 3 times. Once a week for the past three weeks. We both have kids that we have a lot of the time. His are younger and he has them over 50% of the time.

 

We have kissed (in parking lots saying goodbye) but that's it. The texting is getting a tiny bit sexual as of our last date but nothing way too inappropriate.

 

So. I know this is not how people 'play' this typically, but neither one of us has asked the other 'what do you want from this' or 'are you dating anyone else', etc. He hasn't brought it up and I'm trying to be the 'cool chick' and not scare him away by asking all of these questions. It's only been 3 dates. We aren't intimate yet, etc.

 

He does say in his profile that he's 'looking for someone to share this all with', when he talks about his life.

 

My fear is always that the guy is only looking for casual dating or just sex. Sometimes I look for trouble where there isn't trouble, but also I'm a little scared after my experience last fall (I started a thread about it) where after 4 great dates we slept together and then POOF he was gone.

 

So without asking him what he wants (I will before we get intimate), I'm trying to see if there are any signs.

 

If a guy is a player or only looking for sex and then will move on to the next, does he text every single day, call a couple times a week and take a girl out to dinner weekly for three weeks??

 

It seems like a lot of effort to put in just to get laid.

 

What are some of the signs that a guy is a player or only looking for something casual?

 

And yes I know I should ask him what he's looking for and I will soon. But for now....what do you think?

[spiderowl]

He may be a good and genuine guy which is great. I'm going to mention a few things that are worth bearing in mind though if you are wondering about him.

 

He lives an hour or so away. He could be telling you a whole load of lies about himself, his circumstances, everything. Do you have hard evidence of any of it? Have you met any of his friends? Have you seen his home/flat/workplace? You probably haven't as it's early stages yet, but bear in mind that until you do, you only have his word to go on. And yes, players will go to a lot of trouble to get a woman they have their eyes on - they are in it for the challenge and they want to win!

 

Players don't usually play near home because of the risk of getting caught. Having responsibility for a child part of the time or a very demanding job is a good excuse for large patches of 'unavailability'. Can you phone him any time? If so, do you hear his child's voice in the background?

 

It is really difficult because it's natural that at first people would be wary of revealing too much of their private details, such as home address, the places they regularly go out with their mates or the workplace name and address, but bear in mind until you have concrete information on these things and have met his mates and exchanged banter (references) with them, you only know what he has told you. Everything else could be fiction.

 

Sorry to give such a negative viewpoint but I learned the hard way too.

Edited March 10, 2013 by spiderowl

[sillychick]

A lot of good points Spiderowl thank you.

 

He actually owns his own business, I have googled the heck out of him and everything he tells me has checked out so far.

 

We were talking about something early on and he said that he was actually trying to meet someone that he wouldn't have normally met in his day to day life and there was something about me that caught his eye. He told me his divorce was very long and very public since he owns a large business in town and he got tired of being the 'town gossip' so he didn't want to date anyone close by.

 

His business has a great rating on the BBB, and like I said, everything else checks out. I even found an article where his name was mentioned in the town minutes of a meeting for his local town for a job they were going to hire him for. Seems like a stand up guy.

 

I'm just going to keep my eyes wide open on this one. I hid my profile on Match last week (I have a hard time talking to/dating more than one guy at a time) but his is still active, although I notice that he's rarely online. His profile usually says 'active in 3 days, active in 5 days', and I don't think there's been a single night that he wasn't texting me throughout the evening. (signs that he could be dating others)

 

Thanks again for your response!! Gonna keep my eyes wide open until I feel like I know him better and visit his town/house.

[Els]

You're afraid of a guy just looking for sex... but you have sex with him on date 4?! Do YOU want to have sex early as well, or are you just doing it after date 4 because you're afraid nobody will stick around after that?

 

If it's the former, then a guy can't 'use' you for sex, can he? Don't let societal judgments get to you, and just enjoy yourself.

 

If it's the latter, then maybe wait til you're actually in a committed relationship before you have sex? Sure it'll discourage some guys, maybe even most, but those are the ones you're afraid of anyway.

[Ninjainpajamas]

You're not really mentioning what he is saying or doing, you're just putting out the general details out there...which is clear in some situations but this is pretty standard dating protocol from the sound of it...nothing out of the ordinary or red flagging.

 

However the distance is questionable...how much of apart of his life would you really be able to be apart of?

 

Guys tend to make time in the beginning, but once they've got you on the hook then you will get less attention typically if he's not looking for something long-term. It doesn't seem clear or obvious to me that he's looking for something long-term.

 

Also business owners...as guys, well, they tend to be the more assertive go-getter type, and they don't just do it in business...let's just put it that way. And what kind of reputation is he trying to escape going outside of the city? seems a little questionable there that's for sure.

 

Also is he older than you? and what kind of business does he own? that's a big one...anything that involves a steady flow of attractive women and he's half-attractive himself with money....well, many young naive women are going to take that ride for a spin, even if it's just for "fun".

 

How do you gauge his personality? what kind of qualities does he exude? and does he have a way with words and being very charming and attentive?

 

You've gotta ask yourself how sincere and genuine you think he's being about things..and you've also got to test him out with conversation and see what he responds to and what he's really to be open about and reveal.

 

As of now, it just seems like you're dating...and you not wanting to "scare him away" is only going to lead this into a sexual relationship, he's doing all the "right" things...to an extent, calling you every morning...might just be apart of his game and introduction period.

 

He's a busy guy and has a lot to do...so not being online all the time is not the best assurance of interest, however he does seem to be making an effort to speak to you on a regular basis which is also a good thing and he doesn't seem to be rushing it...but the more dangerous guys aren't the ones that come off obvious, it's the one's that have a facade that you aren't going to be able to see through until it's too late. And women perpetuate that wall by being afraid to talk and communicate with men...so women make it rather easy for men often, without even realizing it...you're playing right into their hands by doing and saying nothing because the guy has the control.

[sillychick]

You're afraid of a guy just looking for sex... but you have sex with him on date 4?! Do YOU want to have sex early as well, or are you just doing it after date 4 because you're afraid nobody will stick around after that?

 

If it's the former, then a guy can't 'use' you for sex, can he? Don't let societal judgments get to you, and just enjoy yourself.

 

If it's the latter, then maybe wait til you're actually in a committed relationship before you have sex? Sure it'll discourage some guys, maybe even most, but those are the ones you're afraid of anyway.

 

The guy I had sex with on date 4 was a different guy from last fall. That guy was showing ALL of the signs of being interested in me for me and not interested in just sex, then went POOF after we had sex. So that's why I'm skittish this time.

 

I'm being cautious this time around.

[sillychick]

You're not really mentioning what he is saying or doing, you're just putting out the general details out there...which is clear in some situations but this is pretty standard dating protocol from the sound of it...nothing out of the ordinary or red flagging.

 

However the distance is questionable...how much of apart of his life would you really be able to be apart of?

 

Guys tend to make time in the beginning, but once they've got you on the hook then you will get less attention typically if he's not looking for something long-term. It doesn't seem clear or obvious to me that he's looking for something long-term.

 

Also business owners...as guys, well, they tend to be the more assertive go-getter type, and they don't just do it in business...let's just put it that way. And what kind of reputation is he trying to escape going outside of the city? seems a little questionable there that's for sure.

 

Also is he older than you? and what kind of business does he own? that's a big one...anything that involves a steady flow of attractive women and he's half-attractive himself with money....well, many young naive women are going to take that ride for a spin, even if it's just for "fun".

 

How do you gauge his personality? what kind of qualities does he exude? and does he have a way with words and being very charming and attentive?

 

You've gotta ask yourself how sincere and genuine you think he's being about things..and you've also got to test him out with conversation and see what he responds to and what he's really to be open about and reveal.

 

As of now, it just seems like you're dating...and you not wanting to "scare him away" is only going to lead this into a sexual relationship, he's doing all the "right" things...to an extent, calling you every morning...might just be apart of his game and introduction period.

 

He's a busy guy and has a lot to do...so not being online all the time is not the best assurance of interest, however he does seem to be making an effort to speak to you on a regular basis which is also a good thing and he doesn't seem to be rushing it...but the more dangerous guys aren't the ones that come off obvious, it's the one's that have a facade that you aren't going to be able to see through until it's too late. And women perpetuate that wall by being afraid to talk and communicate with men...so women make it rather easy for men often, without even realizing it...you're playing right into their hands by doing and saying nothing because the guy has the control.

 

Thank you Ninja! I always love your advice. You've given me a lot to think about.

 

To answer some of your questions, we're the same age. Early 40's. Both of us have been married for most of our adult lives. He's been divorced about a year.

 

In person this guy doesn't strike me as a 'player' type at all. I'm in a line of business where I have to be on my toes with people's personalities and usually I'm a pretty good judge of character.

 

He owns a construction company and even though I can tell from what I've seen online that he's successful, in person he downplays it. Says the overhead kills him, etc. I'm not sure if he's modest or if he was intentionally looking for someone who didn't know how successful he was. If he wasn't so easy to find online, I wouldn't even know how well known his business was. He downplays it to me, says he's busy but far from rich, the overhead kills him, etc., etc. I even have in my profile that money and material things don't mean much to me. I wondered if he was looking for someone who lived further away so that they would actually like him for him and not because they know who he is??

 

He actually seems a little nervous when we're together, didn't even kiss me til he kissed me quickly at the end of the second date. He doesn't seem overly confident with women or charming or cocky.

 

I think my radar is up mostly because of the distance. Could be that he doesn't want to 'play' in town where he could get a reputation, or where I would run into him after. Or it could be that he wants to find someone who will get to know him for him and not just think that he has money. Time will tell I guess.

 

It's slow going so far. We've been on 3 dinner dates and only kissed, and all three times he's telling me that he had a really good time and then texting me the rest of the evening once he gets home and first thing again the next morning.

 

Our dates are us mostly just trying to get to know each other slowly. I like the pace so far. I'll keep my eyes open.

 

I do wonder if this continued for some time how I would fit into his life. My kids are older and in about 1.5 - 2 years I could move wherever as both of my kids will be in college at that time.

 

Thanks again for your time responding!! Your posts are always so well thought out. Appreciate it.

[sillychick]

Also our third date was the other night in the middle of that big snow storm. We had plans for Thursday night and then he would have his kids for the next 5 days.

 

He drove to my town in his big construction truck so I wouldn't have to drive in the weather. I thought it was sweet because it was like he didn't want to break the date when he knew he would have his kids for the next 5 days and he didn't want me driving in it.

 

Seems like a nice guy who is genuinely interested but just have my radar up I guess.

[Shaun-Dro]

If a guy is a player or only looking for sex and then will move on to the next, does he text every single day, call a couple times a week and take a girl out to dinner weekly for three weeks??

 

The answer is yes.

 

What are some of the signs that a guy is a player or only looking for something casual?

 

There are none.

 

And yes I know I should ask him what he's looking for and I will soon. But for now....what do you think?

 

He's a man so give him some. End of story.

[Molding Casanova]

Just give it time.

 

We can never know who will stay or who will go in our lives. Watch his actions and see how much he invests in you.

 

Let that emotional connection develop.

[jcrew11]

The guy I had sex with on date 4 was a different guy from last fall. That guy was showing ALL of the signs of being interested in me for me and not interested in just sex, then went POOF after we had sex. So that's why I'm skittish this time.

 

I'm being cautious this time around.

 

I don't want to sound mean, but maybe the sex wasn't that good or you're not as good looking as the guy wants. Also, the guy might not want to get married again at the age of 40. There are many reasons for a guy to stick around for a long term relationship. There are also many reasons for a guy to split and not want a long term relationship. If you are serious about getting married again, then you will just have to wait longer, at least a few months, before having sex, and trusting that guy is sincere and wants to stick around you. But be warned, there are a lot of divorced guys that just don't ever want to get married again, so you don't have many guys to choose from.

[MrNate 2.0]

Which one are you:

 

 

The Princess: has an “I deserve it” attitude and has little or no concern for how she can make the other person happy. She insists he give and give with little or no reciprocity; after all, he’s the The Man and she’s his prize!. He needs to make all the right moves. She’s a scorekeeper, and she alone decides when he’s given enough to satisfy her…or when he hasn’t and is history.

 

The 18 year old dates – sometimes a lot – but she doesn’t have relationships because “she doesn’t want the men who want her, and the men she wants don’t want her.” She doesn’t know what will make her happy and has not yet learned how to communicate and relate to grownup men. By default she clings to the same type of guy she wanted in high school or college. He’s often the “Bad Boy” because he excites her.

 

The Scaredy Cat has been emotionally wounded by men in the past, and she can’t let go of it. She mistrusts men and often blames herself for the rejection she’s felt, believing that she just wasn’t good enough. She says things like “I need him to say he wants a relationship, and then I’ll open up,” or “Once he gets to know me, he probably won’t like me.She picks fights, picks the wrong guys, or maneuvers relationships to end because it gives her control.

 

The Wow Me Woman: a midlife gal who still thinks that excitement is the key to judging if a guy is a good match. She’s looking for her guy to be interesting, keep her laughing, ask her all about herself, and give her butterflies…all on the first date. If she’s not swept away, there won’t be a second.

The Wow Me Woman leaves many good men in her dust. Men sense her quick judgment, which leaves them feeling deflated, unattractive and powerless. Often single for a very, very long time.

 

The Bitter Gal : angry — usually about everything, but especially about men. She’ll find fault with every man she meets. A guy never has a chance, even he is the nicest guy in the world and really likes her. (Which usually doesn’t last very long since, no matter how pretty and smart she is, she is no fun to be around.)

The truth is that The Bitter Gal has been playing the victim for most (if not all) of her life.

 

The Sexpot Gal offers herself up on the first date and is offended if her date doesn’t partake. Men who are looking just for sex will say yes. Relationship-minded men may also say “yes” even though they may feel somewhat emasculated or turned off by her aggressiveness. (They are men, after all.) She won’t get a call from either of these guys and forever wonder why since she thinks she gave him what he wants.

 

Let's try a new option: None of these.

[sillychick]

Going to try to respond best I can remember what I wanted to respond to.

 

I'm not going to rehash the situation with the last guy who I slept with too soon. I only mentioned it because I wonder if that's why my radar is up.

 

I don't care how much money this guy makes or doesn't make. I mention it only because it could be a logical reason why he wants to date outside of his typical circle/town. If he makes a lot of money or not, he's still a high profile figure in his town. I support myself just fine and I'm not looking for someone to support me, I just mentioned the money because it might be a reason for him to be skittish about local women.

 

To answer someone's question I am in my 40's, own my own home (almost outright), I have raised two great kids who are about to both be in college. I am financially stable.

 

I am looking to date and looking to eventually grow that dating into a relationship when it's the right person. I don't care if I ever get married again and I'm not looking for someone to complete me, to support me or to be a father to my kids. I'm looking for a partner in life, someone to spend time with.

 

I have a good head on my shoulders, I have a lot of great friends and I love being single so even though I have dated a ton, I haven't been in a relationship with anyone yet who I would give up the single life for.

 

But that's what I'm searching for. I'm not in a rush to get there, but I would like to eventually meet someone and have a relationship build at a slow pace. It scares me when guys move too quickly because it seems like it's not the natural order of things.

 

The reason why I mentioned that I could move wherever in a year or two was because Ninja had asked if I could see myself in this guys life in the future since he lived so far away. I'm not planning our future here.

 

MJwashere I was thinking along the same lines. I would think if he was looking to build something into a relationship that he would be asking me what I was looking for and if I was dating other people. And he hasn't. Red flag. But it's only been 3 dates and we're not close to being intimate so maybe he's thinking along the same lines I am??

 

All of the other 'relationship minded' men I have met have asked me that question early on actually.

 

Anyway, I think I answered some of what you guys had commented on. Thanks for your responses.

[chex]

Which one are you:

 

 

The Princess: has an “I deserve it” attitude and has little or no concern for how she can make the other person happy. She insists he give and give with little or no reciprocity; after all, he’s the The Man and she’s his prize!. He needs to make all the right moves. She’s a scorekeeper, and she alone decides when he’s given enough to satisfy her…or when he hasn’t and is history.

 

The 18 year old dates – sometimes a lot – but she doesn’t have relationships because “she doesn’t want the men who want her, and the men she wants don’t want her.” She doesn’t know what will make her happy and has not yet learned how to communicate and relate to grownup men. By default she clings to the same type of guy she wanted in high school or college. He’s often the “Bad Boy” because he excites her.

 

The Scaredy Cat has been emotionally wounded by men in the past, and she can’t let go of it. She mistrusts men and often blames herself for the rejection she’s felt, believing that she just wasn’t good enough. She says things like “I need him to say he wants a relationship, and then I’ll open up,” or “Once he gets to know me, he probably won’t like me.She picks fights, picks the wrong guys, or maneuvers relationships to end because it gives her control.

 

The Wow Me Woman: a midlife gal who still thinks that excitement is the key to judging if a guy is a good match. She’s looking for her guy to be interesting, keep her laughing, ask her all about herself, and give her butterflies…all on the first date. If she’s not swept away, there won’t be a second.

The Wow Me Woman leaves many good men in her dust. Men sense her quick judgment, which leaves them feeling deflated, unattractive and powerless. Often single for a very, very long time.

 

The Bitter Gal : angry — usually about everything, but especially about men. She’ll find fault with every man she meets. A guy never has a chance, even he is the nicest guy in the world and really likes her. (Which usually doesn’t last very long since, no matter how pretty and smart she is, she is no fun to be around.)

The truth is that The Bitter Gal has been playing the victim for most (if not all) of her life.

 

The Sexpot Gal offers herself up on the first date and is offended if her date doesn’t partake. Men who are looking just for sex will say yes. Relationship-minded men may also say “yes” even though they may feel somewhat emasculated or turned off by her aggressiveness. (They are men, after all.) She won’t get a call from either of these guys and forever wonder why since she thinks she gave him what he wants.

 

What Dating is Like for Men (Oh...ya think you know?) | Date Like a Grownup

 

If you're gonna antagonize people at least be original about it.

[chex]

I bet you dont check google when women post. Whatever.

 

I don't check it with most guys either. You're just a special breed.

[jcrew11]

I am looking to date and looking to eventually grow that dating into a relationship when it's the right person. I don't care if I ever get married again and I'm not looking for someone to complete me, to support me or to be a father to my kids. I'm looking for a partner in life, someone to spend time with.

 

But that's what I'm searching for. I'm not in a rush to get there, but I would like to eventually meet someone and have a relationship build at a slow pace. It scares me when guys move too quickly because it seems like it's not the natural order of things.

 

I think you should just abstain from sex. You need to tell these men that you "want a relationship and not a one-night stand, and be crystal clear." You should just wait several months to get to know and trust the guy before having intercourse.

 

Of course you can do HJ and Oral, but many divorced men don't want to get married again, and just want to have casual fun with many women. You are going to find a lot more players out there, so you might have to lower your "physical or wealth standards" to finding a loyal guy who will stay with you.

 

But the rude awakening is that most older men are just looking for casual sex and getting it from desperate women. So put on the chastity belt to protect yourself.