How might a Type-A non-Southerner approach dating in the South?

[impendia]

I hope I can ask you all for advice here!

 

I am a fairly hard-charging, ambitious academic who just finished a postdoc in the big city, and moved to South Carolina for a permanent position. It wasn't my first choice to move to the South, but I have a great job and I am treated very well, and I'm doing my best to make the most of my personal life.

 

There are many things I'm extremely happy with, but I've found some customs regarding social life and dating to be confusing and counter-intuitive, where I can see that they're "common sense" here. I get confused as to how I am "supposed" to act. Some examples:

 

- It often seems to be the custom to seek or offer help, in situations I'm quite comfortable dealing with by myself. I want to be polite, but this custom doesn't bring out my natural empathy, and I don't have a good sense for when to offer help and when to back off.

 

This especially comes up with women -- am I being hit on when a woman asks me to help with something very easy?

 

- It seems especially important to constantly be in touch, even if you have nothing particular to say. I have never been one to talk much on the phone; should I attempt to develop a liking for small talk?

 

Along the same lines, a certain kind of "concern" is important. It never occurs to me to worry about anyone's safety, for example, and I always found it vaguely offputting when people worry about mine. But my attitude seems to be unkind in South Carolina. (Under which circumstances should I worry about people? This confuses me...)

 

- It seems to be rude to broach personal topics. I am used to going to parties and asking people, for example, "What do you do?" In South Carolina this seems to put people off, and my instincts for how to have a conversation don't work very well.

 

- The culture is less organized around activities to show up to, and more organized around informal "hanging out" and chatting.

 

- Most of the women I meet are either much younger than me, or much more settled down than me, or much more sarcastic and "alternative" than me. I know wonderful people of all three descriptions, but they don't feel like kindred spirits.

 

Basically, I have met all sorts of lovely, kind, and friendly people but I find it a bit difficult to relate to the local culture and I seldom find myself in situations where chemistry and attraction naturally root. (And I am involved with social dance, have done my best to make friends, have tried online dating, etc. I should also mention that I have met several nice women who were interested in me, but where I didn't feel the same way.)

 

Has anyone been in such a situation before, who could suggest advice? Ways of meeting people I haven't considered? And should I try harder to adapt to the local culture, or should I "be myself"?

 

Thank you!

[TheFinalWord]

I hope I can ask you all for advice here!

 

I am a fairly hard-charging, ambitious academic who just finished a postdoc in the big city, and moved to South Carolina for a permanent position. It wasn't my first choice to move to the South, but I have a great job and I am treated very well, and I'm doing my best to make the most of my personal life.

 

There are many things I'm extremely happy with, but I've found some customs regarding social life and dating to be confusing and counter-intuitive, where I can see that they're "common sense" here. I get confused as to how I am "supposed" to act. Some examples:

 

- It often seems to be the custom to seek or offer help, in situations I'm quite comfortable dealing with by myself. I want to be polite, but this custom doesn't bring out my natural empathy, and I don't have a good sense for when to offer help and when to back off.

 

This especially comes up with women -- am I being hit on when a woman asks me to help with something very easy?

 

- It seems especially important to constantly be in touch, even if you have nothing particular to say. I have never been one to talk much on the phone; should I attempt to develop a liking for small talk?

 

Along the same lines, a certain kind of "concern" is important. It never occurs to me to worry about anyone's safety, for example, and I always found it vaguely offputting when people worry about mine. But my attitude seems to be unkind in South Carolina. (Under which circumstances should I worry about people? This confuses me...)

 

- It seems to be rude to broach personal topics. I am used to going to parties and asking people, for example, "What do you do?" In South Carolina this seems to put people off, and my instincts for how to have a conversation don't work very well.

 

- The culture is less organized around activities to show up to, and more organized around informal "hanging out" and chatting.

 

- Most of the women I meet are either much younger than me, or much more settled down than me, or much more sarcastic and "alternative" than me. I know wonderful people of all three descriptions, but they don't feel like kindred spirits.

 

Basically, I have met all sorts of lovely, kind, and friendly people but I find it a bit difficult to relate to the local culture and I seldom find myself in situations where chemistry and attraction naturally root. (And I am involved with social dance, have done my best to make friends, have tried online dating, etc. I should also mention that I have met several nice women who were interested in me, but where I didn't feel the same way.)

 

Has anyone been in such a situation before, who could suggest advice? Ways of meeting people I haven't considered? And should I try harder to adapt to the local culture, or should I "be myself"?

 

Thank you!

 

Congratulations on finishing school. I am just finishing my PhD now (in lab 24/7 conducting dissertation research, I am sure that is fresh in your mind haha) and accepted a professorship in the south. It was actually my first choice (not b/c of the area so much, but b/c of the growth and funding in the department). The opportunities are great, but I am from the North and hoping I can adapt to southern life Southern women are very hospitable, which is something that generally is lacking up north. They also tend to have conservative values, which is attractive to me. So, I am hoping that I will find success in dating. I have not moved yet, so I am afraid I cannot offer much advice. Is everyone in your department from S. Carolina? My department is fairly diverse, so I am hoping to mainly hang out with them at first to help ease adjustment. One aspect that threw me off is that everyone runs red lights. When the faculty was driving me around on the interview it really freaked me out at first lol All the best with your situation, I hope some others will have tips for you

[eleanorhurting]

Hey!

 

I am moving as well.. finishing med school in May and moving in the summer! I am so excited! I find out friday where I am going

 

Although my first two choices are in the northeast, my 3rd choice is Duke in NC. I loved duke too much to pass up an opportunity to go there but I am pretty concerned with the southern living as well!

 

I guess we can all talk about our experiences in the near future if I do end up there!

[iKING]

The south is a whole other ball-game, good luck.

 

You can either adapt to the surroundings and try to "fit in" to increase your odds of being with someone there, or wait out for someone that either doesn't care, or is also not from the south. The southerners are very traditional and have quite a different way of doing things, I've noticed in small towns It's like one big family, everyone knows each other, they spend time together doing just about anything (mostly informal), and everyone looks out for each other.

[Barnacle-Bob]

If you're in a college town or a place like Charlotte or Hotlanta, you've got a chance. Otherwise, uhhhhh, good luck.

[dasein]

You're doing great if you are actually interested in learning the local culture and adapting some to it. Your success in social goals is already preordained based on that alone IMO. Just keep doing what you are doing.

 

To "complexify" things, though, there are specific subcultures in different areas of SC. You will find a whole raft of conventions and expectations in Charleston, for example, where unfortunately you would never be totally accepted, just politely dealt with. Take heart, they would treat me the same though I grew up only 150 miles away! Things are more relaxed in Greenville/Spartanburg, and then you have both yankified and rednecky areas around the coast where you would find different conventions.

 

But don't adapt to local convention totally, the difference you represent in culture may be a great draw for women who are looking for something different. In short, wouldn't worry too much about it. Sounds like you are doing great.

 

EDIT: Trying to sum up the entire South socially in a "tip" format would be as foolhardy as attempting to sum up NYC socially without attention to the differences in each borough and even each neighborhood in Manhattan. Chelsea ain't the LES!

Edited March 9, 2013 by dasein

[MrNate 2.0]

Honestly, I think you'll be fine.

 

I'm from the deep south..South Carolina is nothing:laugh:

 

Since you're type A, you're pretty good to go anyway. Down here, many women highly prefer that the man makes the move. It seems you're not averse to that, so that is good.

 

We also like to tell each other 'hi' quite a bit. Even if it's in passing. If someone does, don't be afraid to acknowledge them. We're pretty friendly down here.

 

We're also pretty big into gathering/socializing and of course..football. If you have a favorite southern team, that's even more material to talk about.

 

The women down here also look to settle down fairly early into their twenties. If a woman's looking for a husband, I'd tell them to head to this region. It's fairly traditional down here.

 

 

I don't think it'll be a huge transition...as long as you mind your manners.

[RedRobin]

In the South, there is a lot that is implied and you will need to learn how to read between the lines and body language...

 

This is true for both men and women.

 

Small talk greases the wheels. Yes, I'd suggest you learn it. Works well for getting to know either gender.

 

Example: You are in a car and your Southerner passenger feels cold. She/he will say "hoo! Sure is cool in here!" That is your cue to be polite and offer to turn the heat on.

 

Another example in Northerner/Southerner translation... One time, me and my (now ex-h) were on a road trip with another couple from Alabama, and a couple from Pennsylvania. The guy from Pennsylvania was driving on a very swervy road... and kind of fast. The rest of us were getting pretty sick in the back seats.

 

So I say "Boy! The road sure is curvy!!" The guy says "Yep, sure is!" and keeps driving fast.

 

Both myself AND the couple from Alabama looked at me like WTF?! Is he some kind of a**hole, or what? My ex, being a transplant like me, knew exactly what to do...

 

He says "Dude, slow down!" and the guy says "Oh! yea! No problem!" Direct, like Northerners like.

 

We all laughed cause, we were trying not to be rude and tell the guy what to do... but he was totally clueless about our little cue.

 

(FYI... My mom is from CA. My dad is from the Midwest. I was raised and spent most of my early adult life in the South. Did 6 years in Georgia. Have lived in NY for quite awhile)

[impendia]

Hello everyone: thanks for your replies and advice!

 

@TheFinalWord: I can imagine you really liking it here. You mention that women here are hospitable, which is indeed true (men are too) and if that one of your top priorities, you are in luck! Also, the conservativism is not something that I share, but if you do, I imagine you will find it easy to adapt.

 

Most of my colleagues are not from South Carolina. For the most part they are quite settled and living fairly quiet lives. I definitely like them, and am quite grateful that they treat me well, but they don't seem to want to hang out much and I am not (now) looking for my life to get quieter.

 

@Eleanor: I grew up in Durham, and later lived a couple years there as an adult, so I can comment. In many ways it is a strange place. It is a definite magnet for creative, ambitious, energetic people... but the kind of creative people who want to take it easy, and who don't feel like putting up with high cost of living, cold weather, or a more hectic lifestyle. Indeed it was a common destination for people who had lived in the big city and then burned out. When I lived there, I wanted to move to the kind of place that these people had left.

 

If this already sounds good, you'll enjoy it. If not, you might well enjoy it anyway -- I was surprised at how much it had going for it. (Just driving around, it is easy to get the impression that the place is boring.) For example, there is a swing dancing scene there which was *extremely* large and energetic and populated by great people. I miss it in a lot of ways.

 

Especially as far as dating goes, Durham (as part of the whole RTP area) has a large crowd of well-educated, active, slightly older single people. It's a great place to be single when you're 30, you won't feel like you're older than everybody. Good luck!