Shall i quit my 5.5 years old relationship becasue our parents are against it.

[vishal.s0684]

I am in relationship with a girl from last 5.5 years. Initial two years we were together when I was working & staying in Delhi. But, from 3.5 years it converted into a long distance relationship as I moved to another city for MBA program then for 2nd job that too in a different city. I am 28 working in MNC at a descent position and she is 25 working as well as pursuing her master's. I have tried my level my best to keep this relation alive and never thought of any other girl. Nine months back I got to know that this girl got engaged to some other guy when I moved to another city. After knowing all this I threatened her too much but she begged me, put all sorts of requests to give her another chance. Although against my will I decided to give her another chance as I loved her deeply. Now we are planning to marry but both of our parents are completely against our relationship. So, I am in a fix whether I shall go for court marriage but I don't want to hurt any of our parents. She has became my weakness, knowing all the consequences I am unable to leave this girl and move on. My father's health is not well being the youngest he is insisting me to get married to another girl. Today I have everything to keep this girl & our families happy as I am well settled & independent. Sometimes I blame myself why moved for MBA program in the end I am loosing everything because at that time she tried to stop not to move to another city and leave her alone. Please help me to come out of this trauma.

[Toddbt12y1]

I usually refuse to tell someone to leave someone; unless that person greatly wronged them....She was engaged: you didn't know. But, you two seem to have worked through it.

 

I take it she is muslim? They are pretty harsh on their kids choice to marry.

 

However, I will tell you something.

 

You can spend your life, living by what others' demand of you(parents included.) Miss out on the things you would like to have in life, and be miserable.

 

It is good to obey your parents and especially when one is sick...but they shouldn't decide on whom you love. You will be miserable that way. Follow your heart...and gl friend.

[ceres12]

if you two worked it out and want to get married is up to you two not your parents your parents decided whatever it is they wanted to do in their own life your old enough to say or not say what it is that you want to do. Eventually they will have to deal with your decisions like it or not as mean as that may sound. No one should tell you who you should be with seems to me both of you are academically doing great and heading a great path what else can you ask for?

She is marrying you not your parents, chances are for your parents no one is ever going to be good enough they will just have to deal with it and be happy for you that you found your happiness. Its hard to have parents against your relationship but eventually they will have to get over it.

[Dragonfruit]

Vishal, we Americans are used to and expected to make our own decisions to suit ourselves once we are adults. Therefore it is hard to even comprehend a culture where grown children are expected to obey their parents or where the parents have a say in who we marry. I don't think anyone from our culture would tell you to listen to your parents. We would all say you are an adult, marry whoever you please. In fact, to us, your parents are behaving very strangely and seem like they need a psychiatrist.

 

So, let me go with this instead:

 

- What are the pros and cons of marrying who your parents want you to marry instead of the one you love?

 

- What are the pros and cons of marrying your girlfriend instead?

 

Which one of the two above is better?

 

Or... this is sneaky but if you plan to have children soon anyway, what happens if you "accidentally" get her pregnant? Do the parents change their mind then, or does that make it all even worse?

 

Or... If you can't figure it out, maybe you can find a counselor who is also from your culture.

[Nyla]

My parents stopped talking to my husband and I because we eloped.

 

In my parents' culture, a daughter's wedding is to be lavish, as well as planned and paid for by the parents. I wasn't going to have a wedding that had nothing to do with my preferences or my husband's. We also needed to send the message early that only my husband and I control our marriage and not my parents.

 

It is scary defying old fashioned parents with strong cultural ties. However, your self confidence will grow once you learn to live by your own rules rather than those of your culture.

[vishal.s0684]

Thanks everyone for their valuable advise. We are born & brought up in a culture where families are very much involved in marriages and even after marriages. But in our case due to some bad experiences of love marriages in our families our parents are saying that they don't want to take any chance.

 

But, they are not understanding how painful this phase has become for us. Its seems that they will never agree and on the other side its very hard for me to go for separation.

 

I am really shattered from this situation and don't know how to overcome it.

[Radu]

If i understand this correctly, when you moved for furthering your career and the relationship became a Long Distance Relationship, she basically got engaged to another guy ?

Was it her choice or was she forced to do this ?

 

If it was her choice, i hate to say it but she doesn't sound like a good marriage prospect, in fact she sounds insecure.

 

In regards to weather or not you should marry her considering that your parents are against it.

Do you know of other couples that made it ?

Doing this in the West is hard because the marriage will be attacked by the parents. In India it might be even worse; do you think she has the strength to stand by you ?

Do you have the strength to stand by your choice ?

[vishal.s0684]

Thanks to all for your reply. I would like to clarify this girl was not engaged however moved to another relationship in my absence i.e. when we were having long distance relationship. When I got to know about her another relationship through some sources she accepted her mistake and told that it was just an infatuation, her mind got diverted because of too much care by that guy instead she still loves me. She tried to convince me through all ways and promised that nothing such will happen in future.

However, I was not at all interested to carry-on this relationship I just thought that I loved her deeply so lets give her a chance. Mistakes are made by human beings, but sometimes even today this thing pinches me that this girl has deceived me once. Now, nothing looks fine I have tried alot to ask her to arrange a meeting when I can meet her parents but she said her parents are not at all interested. Her mother had already denied me for this relationship twice over phone.

My family is also against my relationship and asked me "do whatever you like but don't expect anything from us in future and we will never accept you at any cost".

The girl says that if she would have tried she could have moved long back but she loves me truly that is why she wants to be with me. I don't why I still want to be with her knowing all consequences. I am in die lama whether I shall take chance of my whole life by leaving my family and going with this girl when this girl has deceived me once and when future prospects for both of the families seems terrible.

[Dragonfruit]

Vishal, why do her parents oppose it and why do your parents oppose it? Do you think any of their reasons are valid or important?

[bluegreen]

Am not gonna even mention parents here lets leave them aside.

BUT You might love her now and forever but you will never trust her again.

 

She might have a made mistake may curse herself for it every day but damage is done and in this broken glass of relationship no matter how good pieces are glued broken lines will be visible.

 

Either forgive her because you did not do that and try to forget it

or move on for both of you rather then ruin your lives and get divorced play tug of war with kids you might have and so on.

 

Time to get on big boy pants and do some things NOW