StephanieLynn1982 Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 This is my first post, after googling relationship advice forums this seems like the best one to help me with my issues. My now ex-husband and I were married for five years. We had an amazing two years together before finally getting engaged, a beautiful wedding, it was just a dream. In our third year of marriage, things started going downhill. My husband started working really long hours at work, going to the gym a lot, sort of becoming withdrawn. We had talked about having kids, and we agreed to having children together maybe after 2-3 years of marriage prior to us getting engaged, but for whatever reason when I pressed him he just seemed to pacify the situation and not want to talk about it. He’d say things like “I want kids too, but I want to wait a few more years and enjoy our marriage before making a family”. This sort of non-committal talk made me feel not so secure about him and for reasons unexplained I stopped having sex with him. I was getting depressed that I might never have children and fell into a really bad lethargic funk. It was also hard to see nearly all of my friends have babies and we were in a place in our marriage where it didn’t seem like an option. He wanted a few things to be in place before we had kids. He wanted to make more money, relocate to a better area, etc, before all of this was put into motion. I guess the pressure I was giving him was too much too soon and he started cracking. We had some really big arguments and we decided to go to counseling but nothing seemed to fix our problems. Months would go by with no progress in our marriage - we still weren’t having sex either and he became even more withdrawn and just insensitive about everything. We had one final blow up that resulted in us screaming at each other for about an hour straight. He burst into tears and admitted that he didn’t want to be married anymore. I was so devastated – the pain being so intense. I promptly moved out of our apartment and in with a friend. I didn’t talk with him for two weeks, until he reached out to me via phone call to check in. He began to tell me that the pressure, the lack in intimacy, and my generally “sad attitude” about life made him sad and angry and lose a lot of confidence in himself. We then decided that divorce was probably for the best. When it was time to file the paperwork at the courthouse, it sort of served as our final goodbye. On the steps on the way out, he just stared at me and started crying and walked away. I could see that he was very sad – and I held back the tears and waited until I got to my car to unload my tears. This all happened about nine months ago. A month ago, I met someone new and we started going out and doing things together. He’s about 10 years older than myself and pretty well established. Things have been so exciting! Just to have some happiness again after feeling so bad about my marriage has just been the greatest thing. He spoils me, he’s very different from my ex in many different ways and it’s very refreshing for me and I’m starting to feel better about myself. He finally kissed me after our second date and he’s planning a weekend getaway for us in mid-April. That was until yesterday…when I saw my ex again for the first time in many months at a grocery store. We’ve had absolutely no contact. This wild flood of emotions came back and I tried to be strong. We talked a little bit afterwards in the parking lot and he admitted that he has struggled on and off – and admitted that our relationship could have probably been saved – but that we just didn’t collectively have the personal skills to reflect and repair things. He seemed so different for some reason, but looking into eyes I saw our history flash in front of me. I left for home feeling so guilty, so traumatized again. The next day, I caved in and checked his Facebook page and saw that a bunch of new people who we never associated with in our marriage were commenting his pages, his photos, etc. One particular girl, a younger blonde about 8 years younger than him, seems pretty interested in him and thinks he’s the greatest thing on the planet. It looks like they have been hanging out. Seeing new photos of him (and his seeming new life) I got physically sick and started dry heaving in the bathroom. Something about seeing this new version of my ex, or remembering what he was like, or the thought of them having sex, made me so sad. Let it be known that my ex-husband is a pretty attractive guy and really is a good person – at least that’s what everyone thinks. People seem to gravitate to him. So there is this profound sense of sadness, to me, that I was not very good to him in our marriage. I am filled with regret, pain, and just cannot eat anything. I’m now realizing that I am so much to blame for how things turned out. The pressure I gave him, my post nuptial shutoff and indifference towards sex with him, I AM FILLED with regret. I cannot get image of this handsome guy staring at me with tears in his eyes at the courthouse that day. I do not know what to do. I am afraid to reach out to him. I’m having these visions of us together in a new rejuvenated relationship. I’m in tears as I type this. But then, I’m conflicted about this new guy I’m seeing. I like the idea of moving on and starting new – but then again I think about my ex husband and what could have happened or what it could be. After dates with the new guy I’m seeing, I’ll be driving home and just start thinking about my husband and some of the good times we’ve had. What do I do? Please help.
purplereigncb Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 I think 10 months is still too soon to start reconnecting with your ex. It sucks that you had to see your ex so soon. You are better off with the new guy, but after seeing your ex it will probably make connecting with the new guy more difficult. Continue no contact.
Author StephanieLynn1982 Posted March 9, 2013 Author Posted March 9, 2013 I think 10 months is still too soon to start reconnecting with your ex. It sucks that you had to see your ex so soon. You are better off with the new guy, but after seeing your ex it will probably make connecting with the new guy more difficult. Continue no contact. So HARD to do this. These feelings of guilt are really eating me up. The thing about my ex is that he's the type of guy who is willing to listen to me or anyone about their problems. I'm 100% sure that he'd probably return my message with no drama... The thing is, I will eventually need to see him again because we got a dog together (but he hasn't seen it in months because of no contact)...and he mentioned at the grocery store that he wants to see it again because he misses it. Why am I realizing how great he is now? This sucks so much!!!!
Bigcitydreamer Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 I would really reflect on the reasons for separating and the reasons why you feel the way that you do. Maybe seeing him triggered something but maybe that something isn't strong enough for you to commit to him for the rest of your life. How about writing your thoughts out and sending it to him? Or maybe even in person? To give it one last shot? Usually I'm an advocate for NC but if it would settle you to get your feelings out to him and see if he is willing to reciprocate then I would probably do that. It worries me though that he hasn't reached out to you. But I guess someone has to do it. Would he be willing to have kids with you or would it be the same ol sh*t? Tread carefully though, because I suspect from all that you said that he might not be willing to reconcile. I know this must be hard for you but chin up, things will get better. Good luck
Author StephanieLynn1982 Posted March 9, 2013 Author Posted March 9, 2013 It's a tricky situation. I remember him saying that he would only get married once. But he'd often ask me if he'd die unexpectedly, would I remarry? I believe in marriage and want a family. I wonder if feels that he'd never marry another person. He always did state that he wanted children - and I envisioned a future with him but when he asked for the divorce that all came crashing down and I started to doubt if he ever wanted them to begin with. After the divorce, the only contact I got from him was message in late January about a refund check that came in the mail that was addressed to both of us. There was no talk of "I miss you, I want to talk to you, blah blah." As far as I know, this younger girl came into the picture only recently - so I don't know how serious they are. From what I remember about him, he takes A LONG TIME to get moving in relationships and takes things very slow. He didn't sleep with me until 2 months after we started seeing each other. Like I said, a good guy. Thanks for all of your help!!!!!!!!!
Mack05 Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 (edited) He began to tell me that the pressure, the lack in intimacy, and my generally “sad attitude” about life made him sad and angry and lose a lot of confidence in himself. Just to have some happiness again after feeling so bad about my marriage has just been the greatest thing. He spoils me, he’s very different from my ex in many different ways and it’s very refreshing for me it’s very refreshing for me and I’m starting to feel better about myself. Our relationship could have probably been saved – but that we just didn’t collectively have the personal skills to reflect and repair things. There are some things that stick out a country mile to me here...The most obvious thing is that you had two people (for various different reasons) who had become unhappy in their own lives. They eventually bring their unhappiness into the relationship and the whole thing slowly falls apart. Individually you both started to get more and more unhappy in yourselves. You both had poor communication and eventually this unhappiness manifested itself into the relationship and neither of you knew how to handle it in the correct way. This happens so much in life it's scary. What people tend to do is blame their partner for their unhappiness, instead of looking inwards for the answers and then communicating those answers in an honest way to their partner without fear of judgement or recrimination. In your head kids would have been the solution, but there was far more happening under the surface then you actually understood. Having kids in this scenario would have just papered over the cracks for a little while longer. The outcome would have eventually been the same. I do believe you are both good people, who genuinely loved each other. I also agreed with your husband in that if you were both more emotionally mature, that you probably could have understood and worked through your problems together. Communication was a HUGE problem here. Life got in the way and neither of you had the skills to work past the obstacles that were put in front of you. I don't have the answers for you. Only you can figure that out. What I do is your new relationship has a ZERO percent chance of long term happiness..Why? This line right here... Just to have some happiness again after feeling so bad about my marriage has just been the greatest thing. He spoils me, he’s very different from my ex in many different ways and it’s very refreshing for me and I’m starting to feel better about myself... Until you figure out that you shouldn't need a man to make you feel better about yourself, then you cannot be happy in any relationship. Also the fact your ex still has such an effect on you, shows that you have avoided dealing 'properly' with the aftermath of your marriage. If you stay with the new guy, once the honeymoon period is over and the smokescreens have been removed, it will get toxic. I don't know what it is like to have the 'clock' against you when it comes to kids, but until you learn not to obsess about that 'clock', I cant see how you can have kids with the RIGHT man...I think it would better to have the kids with the right man and the ONLY way you can achieve this is by finding internal happiness within yourself first and then to stop obsessing and putting this huge pressure on yourself.. Edited March 10, 2013 by Mack05
Thunderchild Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 (edited) If you are considering asking your ex husband to take you back, then YOU really have to be clear in your head about what you want. Do you really want to be with him?? OK, you're feeling guity and suddenly little-miss-blonde-8-years-younger-than-me is sniffing around him. It sounds like he was pretty badly hurt and the last thing he needs on this planet is to reconcile with you only for you to turn around and say "You know, I've changed my mind". Then - sit down and iron out YOUR expectations. The marriage started as a fairy tale and then reality crept in which then knocked everything for six. Are you really prepared to make the commitment to him to still be around when the shine wears off again????? I stopped having sex with him. Seriously, did you make a conscious decision to withhold sex in order to get what you wanted on your terms when it suited you?? For God's sake learn to communicate with people!! Ditch new guy before you cause him pain and distress and have a long hard think about what you want Edited March 10, 2013 by Thunderchild
Am4Real Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 Two things: It really sounds like you desire what you can't have or wish others (new younger girl) cannot have what you once had. You are not over your EX and in the paths of loneliness have begun to date; it might even be construed you are rebounding. That one is hard to say, but nonetheless if you are questioning your feelings and priorities you are not in an open and ready state. What is it you want? What would your dream "come true" be? Don't say you're not sure...you have likely thought about the perfect world. Just say it and we'll go from there since we are not here to judge you only relate our experiences. All the best, Am4Real
Author StephanieLynn1982 Posted March 10, 2013 Author Posted March 10, 2013 The pain continues...I looked at his FB profile and last night he's talking about funny stories of his past with this new girl. Stuff we laughed about. She's also in tune with the music he likes...can't deal with this. The hardest thing about all of this is that when he left he kept all of our wedding photos, engagement photos, etc. It's like he valued me so much and didn't have a problem recognizing our past for what it was. Meanwhile, I was intent of throwing our stuff away. It's like...he dealt with this reality so better than I did. Now, just seeing this happen in front of me is just so hard. Ideally I would like to try to talk to him, maybe propose wiping the slate clean, starting slowly? What could I possibly write without looking like a crazy idiot? Advice? 1
Minneloa Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 I am sorry that you are hurting. Whatever else you decide to do, I urge you to give yourself some time and space to consider fully your course of action. In particular, I strongly recommend that you stay off of Facebook, which will only cloud your feelings. If you decide to approach your ex-husband, it should be a conscious choice rather than a reaction to seeing that he is moving on. Perhaps the pain you are feeling now is more a part of your grieving process than a sign that you want to reunite with him.
Author StephanieLynn1982 Posted March 10, 2013 Author Posted March 10, 2013 The thing that seems so weird, is it seems like I was getting these feelings about him before I saw him at the grocery store that night. Like this subconscious stuff. So I guess seeing him was like some sort of fateful thing. The dagger being this new girl that seems to be into him. I don't know if it's jealously...or...just this new strange appreciation I have for him that is clouding how I feel. Again...just this feeling that I hurt someone who was basically innocent with my lousy behavior. Oh...and the guy I'm seeing wants to see me today. How in the hell am I going to pull myself together?
Mack05 Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 (edited) You need to break up with the new guy and accept your ex husband has probably moved on. Staying with a guy just cause your husband is potentially starting to 'date' someone is not fair. Can I ask you why you think it will be different if you ever got back with your husband? Many people are very naive in these situations. They think if they make slight adjustments here and there that things will be different, only to be met with other unforeseen problems. In my opinion you need to stay away from your ex-husband's Facebook. You need to break up with the new guy and try figure out over the next few weeks and months what you really want.. It seems to me you are very confused. Not a good time to make decisions..It's not fair blindsiding your husband when he is potentially starting to get happy again. Especially when you are not even sure what you want.. Edited March 10, 2013 by Mack05
Am4Real Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 Steph, MACK05 on the post prior to this one is absolutley correct. At least you have stated what you might want and desire -- the key word here is "might". Staying away from FB and reexamining all the pros and cons is in order and for sure you probably want to stay on the "low" from the new man you've ben dating. Understand all the issues you both had are still there and gettnig back together runs many risks and areas worthy of concern. He probably has more concerns about YOU right now simply because he seems to be doing se well. Take your time; think hard with your brain and not your heart at this juncture. All the best, Am4Real The thing that seems so weird, is it seems like I was getting these feelings about him before I saw him at the grocery store that night. Like this subconscious stuff. So I guess seeing him was like some sort of fateful thing. The dagger being this new girl that seems to be into him. I don't know if it's jealously...or...just this new strange appreciation I have for him that is clouding how I feel. Again...just this feeling that I hurt someone who was basically innocent with my lousy behavior. Oh...and the guy I'm seeing wants to see me today. How in the hell am I going to pull myself together?
Woggle Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 Whatever you do break up with new guy. It's not fair to him. After that if you really are interested give your ex a chance to slowly win you back but don't trust him from the start.
purplereigncb Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 I say stick to the new guy. Facebook is killing you softly. Stay away from it. You seem to be reacting to him moving on. Some of us can't deal with just letting go of the past in an appreciative way. If you are anything like me, you can't see a single picture without feeling the burn.
Author StephanieLynn1982 Posted March 14, 2013 Author Posted March 14, 2013 Update. So we talked via email. He reached out to me...he just wants to talk for a bit in person - says he could tell that I was "not in a good place"...thinks it would be helpful to open a discussion. I guess he could just tell by talking with me that something was up. Says - "We haven't talked seriously since November and maybe this might help some." I emailed him back and told him that I'm not sure that it's good idea - that I'm seeing someone, etc., trying to move on. He says that's fine, respects that. Responds that he isn't seeing anyone. I ask him about the girl on his fb page and he states they hung a few times and that is all. No kissing, nothing intimate at all. I tend to believe him. He never cheated or lied to me or has done any of that in the past. He closes with (not word for word) - "I'll always care deeply about you. No matter what. This divorce hurt both of us so much. I made a promise the day I married to love you forever whether you died, moved on, or if we completely disappeared from each other's life. If you ever want to talk with me again - there should be no shame in it. You may never love me again, you may have lost that love for me in time, but I still think you are one of most beautiful people I have ever met." Love, XXXX. I was moved to tears. Do I speak with him? How do I even respond to this?
Am4Real Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 I was moved to tears. Do I speak with him? How do I even respond to this? Steph, I would let it go with your comments that it probably isn't a good idea to talk at this time. I understand you're curious and you probably already "know the words you want to hear and perhaps say", however if you enter a conversation without a clear end state, you're bound to become even more confused and perhaps worse off. I would just thank him for his well wishes and say if " the day comes that you feel like talking " you'll be sure to reach out to him. Just leave it friendly. That way if you do sort things out in your heart and your head the door is there for opening. All the best, Am4Real
Thunderchild Posted March 16, 2013 Posted March 16, 2013 Whatever you do break up with new guy. It's not fair to him. After that if you really are interested give your ex a chance to slowly win you back but don't trust him from the start. Remind me! Why is it up to him to clean up her mess?? You might wanna check your privilege there!!
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