Another try? 7 Years Long

[LoveN]

Ok so I have had a relationship with this amazing girl that has been through it all with me for the past 7 years. I love her to death but at times I have a difficult time expressing my love. I usually express it by cooking for her or doing something along those lines. I don't see myself not expressing love to her in another way that she wants, touching and words. At times I do it but most of the time I'm so out of it I don't notice that I need to show love that way to in order to allow her to understand her language of love. Well she recently broke up with me because she felt like I wasn't there for her and she felt like she was asking too much from me. I was devastated because I thought I gave it what I could, I thought the relationship just developed into something it was suppose to and we show love a different way. I thought wrong and I understand that even though the relationship gets older I would still need to bring back the old ways of showing her affection.

 

We live together currently just until another few months when we're going to move out, it's been difficult for me the past month, the first week after she called it off we were back to normal it almost felt like.. She continued to hug me, kiss me, I do the same back. But soon after she decided that it was going to make things harder and she said we will need to set boundaries. She also tells me she's very hurt that she has to do this and doesn't even know what she wants. At the moment I'm trying to give her space and just be happy for myself and do what I need to for myself. When I come home everynight and see her it feels good but at the same time it's a little disappointing, we talk still and I am happy around her when I talk and it feels great. But the back of my mind it still hurts inside. After about 2 weeks of when she said we should set boundaries it feels great actually, she'll still do things for me like buy food for me for dinner before I come home. I bought her favorite candy and baked goods and she happily took them and said thank you.. Not sure if this is just caring for each other or am I confusing it for something else.

 

I left her a note for an interview telling her good luck and she was happy to receive that surprise note, I would do small things but also at the same time allow her space. We don't text everyday like we use to, it makes me a bit sad which is perfectly normal. As we were sleeping in the same bed I for some reason put my arms around her and she reminded me again about the boundaries, I said yea I remember and just backed off.. After a while she said, "But we can do it, I guess hugging is fine"

 

What does this all mean? Am I just taking it the wrong way... I really am trying to show her I can be affectionate and I understand where she's coming from. Before I would focus my time on school and useless things, browsing internet, social media, etc. Since this has happened I summarized all my faults and am changing them, not for her but for myself.. All these things I didn't realize before is allowing me more time to focus on the more important things in life. I feel deeply sorry for what I have put her through and it makes me incredibly sad that I cannot do much at the moment to fix this. Do you see this going on the right path?

 

It's just been very difficult and lots of ups and downs, I understand I can't force her to do anything and I would never want to. I just want to see where this is going because at the moment with how I feel and the signs I'm reading it seems like she's starting to second guess her decision. I just hope I'm not the only one that agrees with that, I cooked breakfast for her and she asked what's the occasion and I kinda said, "more time" but caught myself and realized I couldn't say more time for us to spend together.. but I think she kinda got the clue.. She hasn't hugged me since this has happened and today she thanked me for breakfast and came to hug me. How I interpret this, I'm not too sure.. is she hugging me out of sympathy or was she really showing her feeling here?

 

I also feel like she's holding out to see if this is really going to be good and see how she really feels before jumping back in so fast. We went out to eat after all this finally and she still allowed me to pay even though she tried to pay for both of us, not like it means anything but it felt just like old times again. Should I continue to slowly ease in it, first being friends but at the same time showing her a flirty side so she'll have fun but not totally ignoring her? Sorry for the long post, I'll really appreciate any feedback, it really means a lot to me having a female's perspective. Please try to keep the comments like "An ex is an ex for a reason" as those are somewhat pointless in this position, I don't see this as something that ends it all. But correct me if I'm wrong, I would love all different views of things.

[Martor]

Sounds very similar to my situation, though we dated for a shorter time (3 years) and never lived together.

 

We broke up 10 months ago, and for 9 months we were "on and off" in the sense that we would go on dates, kiss, hold each other, have sex. She also gave me the whole "boundaries" spiel, and I know how f'ed up that feeling is.

 

Eventually there came a day where I tried to make a move on her and she backed away. I realized, that for my own sake, I had to start NO CONTACT. I haven't spoken to her in 5 weeks. I still feel ****ty, because I loved her very much, but I know the healing process is beginning and my mindset is starting to change for the better.

 

If I were you, I would play it cool. Play it as if you don't need her, if she wants to show you affection then GREAT, but do not be the initiator and don't get wrapped up in that. The kind gestures are fine, just keep them friendly and not romantic. I made the mistake of pouring my heart out to her, which undoubtedly pushed her further away. Don't act as though the move-out is NOT what you want, just ride the wave of life and continue making yourself a better man.

 

If you do move out, start No Contact right away.

[LoveN]

Sounds very similar to my situation, though we dated for a shorter time (3 years) and never lived together.

 

We broke up 10 months ago, and for 9 months we were "on and off" in the sense that we would go on dates, kiss, hold each other, have sex. She also gave me the whole "boundaries" spiel, and I know how f'ed up that feeling is.

 

Eventually there came a day where I tried to make a move on her and she backed away. I realized, that for my own sake, I had to start NO CONTACT. I haven't spoken to her in 5 weeks. I still feel ****ty, because I loved her very much, but I know the healing process is beginning and my mindset is starting to change for the better.

 

If I were you, I would play it cool. Play it as if you don't need her, if she wants to show you affection then GREAT, but do not be the initiator and don't get wrapped up in that. The kind gestures are fine, just keep them friendly and not romantic. I made the mistake of pouring my heart out to her, which undoubtedly pushed her further away. Don't act as though the move-out is NOT what you want, just ride the wave of life and continue making yourself a better man.

 

If you do move out, start No Contact right away.

 

I pretty much have ~2 months before we're moving out because our roommates are leaving too. I hope NC after moving out would help her to really think about this and miss me because I really don't see it as a end all situation, I just really needed a big wakeup call and this was huge. I have been playing as everything is fine, go home happy and just talk to her normally.. Act like everything is fine. Here's the big change that has happened in the past few days.

 

One of the mornings she asked what I ate for dinner as she went to sleep early. This shows she cares but does she care because of what we're going through and making sure I'm not starving myself? IDK but that morning she gave me a light touch on the face and on my shoulder, she does this when we were in the relationship too, kinda her way to say I'm proud of you thing. Kinda hard to explain it.

 

But also before I left to go back home to my parents I said bye and it was an awkward pause but she kinda looked at me with that look of wanting to hug but wasn't sure. I kinda gave her the I want to hug but wasn't sure either and she just faced me and I hugged her fo a while, she allowed it and everything seemed fine. I can see on her face she was maybe questioning herself? Not sure of what but there was something on her mind.

 

Sometimes I see the situation that I'm in a benefit because we are living together and I can continue to show her happy times and just enjoying time with her but is this the right thing to do? What if it's too much that it's not allowing her to think. I only see her at night as I'm busy for the whole day but we usually talk then just go to sleep. I wanna know what is possibly going through a females mind at this point, is she acting like this to ease me from the breakup? Is she actually getting those feelings again and acting upon it? She did say she wasn't sure what she wants and it's very difficult for her to make this decision but we're just getting too old to have the same cycle.

Edited March 9, 2013 by LoveN

[Martor]

I pretty much have ~2 months before we're moving out because our roommates are leaving too. I hope NC after moving out would help her to really think about this and miss me because I really don't see it as a end all situation, I just really needed a big wakeup call and this was huge. I have been playing as everything is fine, go home happy and just talk to her normally.. Act like everything is fine. Here's the big change that has happened in the past few days.

 

One of the mornings she asked what I ate for dinner as she went to sleep early. This shows she cares but does she care because of what we're going through and making sure I'm not starving myself? IDK but that morning she gave me a light touch on the face and on my shoulder, she does this when we were in the relationship too, kinda her way to say I'm proud of you thing. Kinda hard to explain it.

 

But also before I left to go back home to my parents I said bye and it was an awkward pause but she kinda looked at me with that look of wanting to hug but wasn't sure. I kinda gave her the I want to hug but wasn't sure either and she just faced me and I hugged her fo a while, she allowed it and everything seemed fine. I can see on her face she was maybe questioning herself? Not sure of what but there was something on her mind.

 

Sometimes I see the situation that I'm in a benefit because we are living together and I can continue to show her happy times and just enjoying time with her but is this the right thing to do? What if it's too much that it's not allowing her to think. I only see her at night as I'm busy for the whole day but we usually talk then just go to sleep. I wanna know what is possibly going through a females mind at this point, is she acting like this to ease me from the breakup? Is she actually getting those feelings again and acting upon it? She did say she wasn't sure what she wants and it's very difficult for her to make this decision but we're just getting too old to have the same cycle.

 

See, in that hug situation and all those kinds of situations, that's where you have to make changes. Let her stand there awkwardly while you leave. Do things with your head held high, don't let her feel ANYTHING from you. Let her start to miss those qualities in you.

[LoveN]

See, in that hug situation and all those kinds of situations, that's where you have to make changes. Let her stand there awkwardly while you leave. Do things with your head held high, don't let her feel ANYTHING from you. Let her start to miss those qualities in you.

 

You got a point, I see it now.. If i wanted a hug from a girl and she didn't give it to me i'll want it more. But at the same time not doing it would blow her off no? Because the reason we broke up was because not enough affection was shown for her and doing that will just show that I didn't change and she'll feel alone again?

[Martor]

Blow her off dude. That is the whole point.

 

I was the opposite of you, I basically forced my ex into breaking up with me because SHE didn't show ME enough affection, the way I perceive love. And what happened to me? I started missing her like crazy, despite knowing that she wasn't affectionate, and I started seeing that physicality problem in a different light, I started not to care about that anymore and truly believed we could've worked through it (or that I could've lived without the amount of affection I needed before!).

 

The exact same thing will happen to her. And when you two do get back together, then show her as much affection as possible or it will definitely not work out. Understand that physicality is her channel for love. If she is not receiving affection, she cannot feel that you fully love her. If my girlfriend was more touchy-feely and physically affectionate with me, I would still be with her to this day (and probably en route to marry her).

 

/e so what I'm saying is, blow her off in the friendliest way possible. She will start to miss YOU and the RELATIONSHIP, and she will start to FORGET and see past the intimacy issue.

[LoveN]

You're right, I've been trying to do that.. But I start to think I'm distancing myself too much from her so I start to do things like that. But after this week with what has happened, I think giving her space will allow her to miss it because now she was reminded of our old dinners and cuddling at night, I think she's been missing it as I know i am. Thanks for your help, hopefully there are more opinions on this situation.

 

Also about contact, should i do LC? or no texting and phone calls at all?

Edited March 9, 2013 by LoveN

[LoveN]

Thought I'd post an update to seek some opinions.. So we've been hanging out casually, she tells me she has funs and enjoy the times. Yesterday we got on the topic of moving out soon because the time is getting closer to our last day living at this place, she seemed upset/sad. I talked to her and asked her why, she tells me it's because she's sad about moving out.. She was never sad before and wanted to move out when we were together. We were excited to get our own place so her being sad tells me she's sad because it's getting closer to not sharing a place anymore. She asked me what are my plans, I really have no plans as my current situation with school/part-time work isn't really allowing me a place that easily. I just told her I'm not sure yet and have time but i'll figure something out.

 

Anyways I took this time to bring up our current position and where she sees things.. basically she told me she doesn't know where things will go but at this time it's better than before but she can't promise anything. She's scared to be hurt again so that is why she's not fully satisfied. She said she's just going with the flow and seeing how her feelings are as right now she feels like we're friends. She also said if we ever get in a positive direction and do work things out that she doesn't feel like living together would be the best option because she doesn't want us to feel obligated to stay, etc. and it might make things tougher.

 

I don't necessarily like all that but I respect her decisions and if that's what she wants then I just gotta deal with it. I'm just very worried at the moment.. Should I start leaving her alone to allow her time to herself to actually want me again? I would love to live with her in the future if things get better but also don't want to rush/jump into things, is this a possibility that it will change as feelings are better? It's just difficult going from living together to still being together but living apart. At the moment I'm just enjoying my time, showing her a good time and proving to her that it's going to be better. Any advices are appreciated as I'm a little hurt and confused right now.