LadyGrey Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Thank you again QS. I wish this could be a sticky for the brokenness that survives in so many of us, not all, but many. Recognizing it and why it happens, is very empowering and the first step into changing our patterns. 3
Pierre Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Another great post by QS. I want to add the male equivalent of the OW that wants to be loved. This is the smooth charming cheating man that needs romantic conquests to prove his manhood. Or the cheating man that is upset because the wife pays too much attention to the kids and feels neglected. Wow! What a loser. These men are stimulated by the women that respond to them. As QS said women with healthy self esteem pay zero attention to these men. So they zero into women that want to be loved. It is a marriage made in heaven since both parties are looking for validation and both sides work hard at giving each other validation. 1
TheOW Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 (edited) Lol sometimes I just laugh at the physco babble on this forum - how's about this: boy meets girl they are both attracted to each other and boom affair begins, there doesn't have to be anything mentally wrong with them or their childhood/family An affair can happen to the best of people not just the screwed up Edited March 12, 2013 by TheOW 3
LadyGrey Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Lol sometimes I just laugh at the physco babble on this forum - how's about this: boy meets girl they are both attracted to each other and boom affair begins, there doesn't have to be anything mentally wrong with them or their childhood/family You missed the boat, QS didn't say that was the case all the time. Since you don't believe in babble, why is it you think that you went on a very self destructive path? And before you defend yourself with little thought, I've read some of the comments you've made and no I'm not trying to antagonize you, but get you to think. You have said, that you knew your affair would end up as it did, so why pray tell would you bring that pain on yourself and your family and the other family? And you said that you pursued that man recklesslessly and boldly, you didn't give a hoot about your husband, your marriage. So tell me again, it's as simple as attraction??? Self destruction is the same as attraction, really? If you don't have the courage to look at WHY you did what you did, you will repeat it and once again, it is NOT about making excuses for ones choices, it's about UNDERSTANDING. 2
TheOW Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 You missed the boat, QS didn't say that was the case all the time. Since you don't believe in babble, why is it you think that you went on a very self destructive path? And before you defend yourself with little thought, I've read some of the comments you've made and no I'm not trying to antagonize you, but get you to think. You have said, that you knew your affair would end up as it did, so why pray tell would you bring that pain on yourself and your family and the other family? And you said that you pursued that man recklesslessly and boldly, you didn't give a hoot about your husband, your marriage. So tell me again, it's as simple as attraction??? Self destruction is the same as attraction, really? If you don't have the courage to look at WHY you did what you did, you will repeat it and once again, it is NOT about making excuses for ones choices, it's about UNDERSTANDING. I wasn't just meaning qs statement I was speaking in general You are right of course but my involvement with MM goes way deeper than any of you on here can imagine, I do not wish to elaborate on that ... Childhood trauma ? Yes I have literally seen the devil. What I am trying to say is an A can happen to anyone at anytime without any traumas in their life,
LadyGrey Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I wasn't just meaning qs statement I was speaking in general You are right of course but my involvement with MM goes way deeper than any of you on here can imagine, I do not wish to elaborate on that ... Childhood trauma ? Yes I have literally seen the devil. What I am trying to say is an A can happen to anyone at anytime without any traumas in their life, She never said it couldn't happen that way.
TheOW Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 She never said it couldn't happen that way. I didn't say I was solely talking about her post either, I mean in this whole forum there is too much analysing - no one is perfect and most of us make mistakes
anne1707 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 The joy of LS is that we recognise that nobody is perfect and that we all make mistakes. But people come here to try and learn not to make those mistakes again in the future - hence the need to analyse what brought us here. 3
Pierre Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I didn't say I was solely talking about her post either, I mean in this whole forum there is too much analysing - no one is perfect and most of us make mistakes TOW: Your reality seems perfectly normal for you. This is your reality and everything you have known since day 1. Falling deeply in love with a much older married man may seem like a natural normal event for you because that is your reality. Your reality feels normal to you, but from the perspective of a woman with a healthy outlook your reality is highly destructive. You are a bit defensive today, more than usual. 2
Furious Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I didn't say I was solely talking about her post either, I mean in this whole forum there is too much analysing - no one is perfect and most of us make mistakes Some people want to dig deep and want to understand themselves, it's a sign of growth and strength. It's alarming that you criticize others who are soul searching as over analyzing, if you stick to that "no one is perfect and most makes mistakes", attitude you're setting yourself up for repeating them the same mistakes over and over again. 6
TheOW Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Some people want to dig deep and want to understand themselves, it's a sign of growth and strength. It's alarming that you criticize others who are soul searching as over analyzing, if you stick to that "no one is perfect and most makes mistakes", attitude you're setting yourself up for repeating them the same mistakes over and over again. I'm actually criticising the people who haven't even been in an A or have been a BS - they are analysing
anne1707 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I'm actually criticising the people who haven't even been in an A or have been a BS - they are analysing Why the need to criticise others? What is wrong with trying to understand? Trying to learn and develop? 2
LadyGrey Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I'm actually criticising the people who haven't even been in an A or have been a BS - they are analysing Sometimes that makes people more objective, which can be a good thing. I challenge you to try to understand why you are defensive about this topic? You hinted at abuse in your past, maybe it is bringing up painful memories you don't want to feel? If you have abuse in your past, I'm so sorry. Sending you a hug. 1
Furious Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I'm actually criticising the people who haven't even been in an A or have been a BS - they are analysing Who are you to tell anyone that they shouldn't analyze their own life, whether or not their an OW or a betrayed spouse. Why does self reflection seem to offend you. I know people who's mantra is to not over-think things, who for whatever reason would rather go through life being knocked down or worse knocking others down. Perhaps you're scared to dig deep, really look inside. It takes courage to own your life. 6
underwater2010 Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 We analyze things everyday. We try to figure out what about our past behavior lead us down any given path. We try to figure out how to correct mistakes and not make them again. It is human nature and what sets us apart from mere animals. It does not matter if you were a WS/OM/OW/BS. Who in their right mind would walk around day after day making the same choices and expecting the world to change rather than them. "Stupid is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" 2
TheOW Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 (edited) Sometimes that makes people more objective, which can be a good thing. I challenge you to try to understand why you are defensive about this topic? You hinted at abuse in your past, maybe it is bringing up painful memories you don't want to feel? If you have abuse in your past, I'm so sorry. Sending you a hug. I apologise LG And seeing some of the analogies on here made me angry I'm having a hard crappy week and I'm taking it out on strangers, last year I didn't think about it much because I wasn't alone and I was happy, this year is different Edited March 13, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
LadyGrey Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 (edited) I apologise LG I'm having a hard crappy week and I'm taking it out on strangers, last year I didn't think about it much because I wasn't alone and I was happy, this year is different Apology accepted............ I'm sorry for your pain. Sending you a hug. Edited March 13, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Decorative Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 Who are you to tell anyone that they shouldn't analyze their own life, whether or not their an OW or a betrayed spouse. Why does self reflection seem to offend you. I know people who's mantra is to not over-think things, who for whatever reason would rather go through life being knocked down or worse knocking others down. Perhaps you're scared to dig deep, really look inside. It takes courage to own your life. There's a relentless OW in my town. At least 6 affairs with married men. She has a history of abuse as a child. Her friends staged an intervention and begged her to get help. Her response ? " I've suffered enough in my life. I am only going to do things that make me happy now." She won't do the work she needs to move forward. And she thinks this is happiness. Her children are distraught. She's participated in the breakup of families. And she cannot recognize that if she did the work, even the painful stuff Sheena afraid of, that there is so much better available. Real happiness. Real love. Real peace. It makes me sad. 3
TheOW Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 There's a relentless OW in my town. At least 6 affairs with married men. She has a history of abuse as a child. Her friends staged an intervention and begged her to get help. Her response ? " I've suffered enough in my life. I am only going to do things that make me happy now." She won't do the work she needs to move forward. And she thinks this is happiness. Her children are distraught. She's participated in the breakup of families. And she cannot recognize that if she did the work, even the painful stuff Sheena afraid of, that there is so much better available. Real happiness. Real love. Real peace. It makes me sad. I hope you are not trying to insinuate that I will have many affairs in my life because I can assure you I will never put myself, children or any other woman through this ever again.
LadyGrey Posted March 12, 2013 Posted March 12, 2013 I hope you are not trying to insinuate that I will have many affairs in my life because I can assure you I will never put myself, children or any other woman through this ever again. That's NOT the way she rolls.........maybe you should just back off and process your other stuff until you can be objective. 7
Author Scarlett5 Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 Wow, Quiet Storm is absolutely spot on! And everything she talks about is actually behind why I started this thread. I was briefly involved with an engaged guy, who then got married while we were still in contact. We were totally infatuated with each other, or with the 'idea' of each other, should I say. Very unhealthily so. It didn't take me long to stop and ask the question; 'why am I allowing myself to be in this situation? I deserve much better.' And from that point on, I did a lot of soul searching and analysing of my self beliefs, behaviour and subconscious mind. When I actually pieced together how growing up with my father only half-heartedly in the picture, and my mum never having had another relationship until I was 16, suddenly it all became clear. I was able to piece my relationship history and experiences together and it finally made sense. My 'bad luck' was actually not as simple as it seemed. It was astonishing and liberating to discover how the behaviours and beliefs that were instilled into me as a child were still subconsciously controlling me in many ways. I craved attention and intimacy, but at the same time, was very choosy who I got close to. Although with an engaged/married man I felt very comfortable and it acted as a sort of release. And so it became very addictive; hence the infatuation. Scary stuff! I don't believe it's about blame, but about looking deep inside yourself for reasons why you make certain choices for yourself that aren't necessarily the healthiest or the best for your well-being. Rather than use this to place blame, you can use it to become self aware and make healthier choices in the future. For anyone who calls this 'over analysing' - if I hadn't over analysed, I imagine I'd be having a full blown affair with a MM with whom I would claim the attraction and connection we had was so strong that it was obviously 'meant to be'. Instead, I looked at what I was getting from him that I craved so badly, and how he seemed to fill a void in my life. It was this I was so addicted to, not him. Working to 'fill that void' on my own and to understand myself so I can avoid such vulnerability and such situations in the future, is what I would MUCH rather be doing. So hey, a little 'over analysing' can be a good thing 2
Author Scarlett5 Posted March 12, 2013 Author Posted March 12, 2013 Following on from my last post....it was one thing discovering these things about myself, but I'm still struggling with how to move forward and not have the same feelings, beliefs and desires. I'm feeling in constant battle with myself as my subconscious and conscious minds collide. I 'know' what is a healthy choice for myself and what is not, and if I'm tempted to make an unhealthy choice, I understand why. But I still feel pretty empty inside and I still crave intimacy and closeness. I can't tell if this is because I haven't had either of those things for so long, or if it still derives from my childhood. And I still don't trust my man 'picker'. Very confusing indeed.
LadyGrey Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Following on from my last post....it was one thing discovering these things about myself, but I'm still struggling with how to move forward and not have the same feelings, beliefs and desires. I'm feeling in constant battle with myself as my subconscious and conscious minds collide. I 'know' what is a healthy choice for myself and what is not, and if I'm tempted to make an unhealthy choice, I understand why. But I still feel pretty empty inside and I still crave intimacy and closeness. I can't tell if this is because I haven't had either of those things for so long, or if it still derives from my childhood. And I still don't trust my man 'picker'. Very confusing indeed. I hear ya.........I'm not sure I trust mine yet either, rationally I believe I can, but practically I'm not so certain. I think I'm avoiding putting my man picker in practice, well mostly. I applaud you for looking inside of yourself and thank you for starting this thread. 4
White Flower Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 Are there 20 Ddays in EVERY A? No, just mine.
Decorative Posted March 13, 2013 Posted March 13, 2013 I hope you are not trying to insinuate that I will have many affairs in my life because I can assure you I will never put myself, children or any other woman through this ever again. I would never, ever do such a thing. I have been quite kind to you. You should probably not lash out at those who have listened to you and tried to be encouraging. 2
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