Scarlett5 Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 I believe there must be underlying reasons for one to allow themselves to become the other woman/man. It obviously involves lying to some extent and many painful emotions, depending on the individual situation of course. So have the OW amongst us experienced something in their lives that has caused them to become emotionally compromised? Maybe you have been affected by your parents as individuals, their relationship, or their absence, during those impressionable stages of development when you were younger? Maybe you have suffered some form of abuse? Whatever the scenario, do you think there are underlying reasons for allowing yourself to enter into this situation, and for many, for letting it continue? There are a number of you who have entered into your affair with your eyes open and the situation seems to suit you. You have no desire for your MM to leave his wife. But are you really truly happy? And what is stopping you from either attempting to resolve your marital issues and then leaving if that can't be done, and having some single time, possibly followed by meeting someone who is fully available to you. Surely an emotionally healthy person would do that, and move on from their marriage if there was no going back. I just always wonder if there is something broken inside those of us who choose to partake in an affair - I believe there is. It's a horrendous situation to be in, and even for those it suits, it isn't healthy.
Got it Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Scarlett, I am sorry to see how much pain you have been in, I am hoping that you can move forward so you do not feel you are a broken person. I do not agree for myself but I empathize with how you are feeling. ((((((Scarlett))))) 3
OpenBook Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 I believe there must be underlying reasons for one to allow themselves to become the other woman/man. It obviously involves lying to some extent and many painful emotions, depending on the individual situation of course. So have the OW amongst us experienced something in their lives that has caused them to become emotionally compromised? ... I just always wonder if there is something broken inside those of us who choose to partake in an affair - I believe there is. It's a horrendous situation to be in, and even for those it suits, it isn't healthy. I don't know, we're human maybe? Everybody's broken. And everybody's been emotionally compromised at some point in their lives. Each person's views and coping mechanisms are different. Surely you don't expect everybody to be like you. Do you?
LadyLost Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Scarlett, I fell in love with a married man. Yes, I was looking to be loved and yes, I chose the wrong man. Of course it should have mattered that he was married, at the time it didn't. now, in hindsight it matters hugely. I have no bad history in my life that suggests I was somehow broken before the affair, only afterwards. Yes, i am now broken and depressed.
Author Scarlett5 Posted March 9, 2013 Author Posted March 9, 2013 Thank you for sharing LadyLost, I'm sorry you're hurting and I wish you well & a speedy recovery xxx
Elfie Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 I'm not sure if this is going to sound like alot of excuses, but my life so far may have led me to be the OW in some way:~ - one emotionally abusive parent whose put-downs led to my 26 year eating disorder and I now have osteoporosis since age 37 - the other parent violent and alcoholic, almost daily, my sisters and I lived in constant fear - an uncle tried it on with me when I was 19 - a controlling, violent and abusive ex husband who had affairs, mental, physical and sexual abuse - violent and abusive relationship with man in authority who got me re-housed from ex husband, who was more dangerous, raped me, and anal rape - consequently been single for over 10 years, quite reclusive, little self esteem (if any actually, lol) - work from home on my own, choose not to have many friends - have only ever had interest from married men, but always managed to keep them at arms length - estranged from living parent and my sisters; one parent recently died, but told everyone not to let me know, so I didn't know for 2 days, which I believe led to the A with MM who had been asking me for coffee for a long while before the death; currently going through NC but is painful to let the contact go. I know I'm a mess, but work is my rock and through that I look talented and pretty much together - I am on the outside generally, but as you say, something's broken inside. Scarlett, I really hope your pain lessens each day, and hope being here on LS helps you. 1
Pierre Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Scarlett, I fell in love with a married man. Yes, I was looking to be loved and yes, I chose the wrong man. Of course it should have mattered that he was married, at the time it didn't. now, in hindsight it matters hugely. I have no bad history in my life that suggests I was somehow broken before the affair, only afterwards. Yes, i am now broken and depressed. The bold part. That is why so many women have relationships with married men. That trumps everything. These women are not necessarily in bad shape or full of issues, But, they yearn to be loved. And no one loves like a wandering spouse. 1
TaintedLuv Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 This is easy to say perhaps, but I don't think I had any "issues". I was in no way looking to fall for a married man. I don't like sharing- never did. But we were like magnets and at one point, we were far enough away not to get pulled together but once we got close enough, that was it. We were completely attached and couldn't detach from one another no matter how hard we tried. I'd say I developed issues putting myself through this A for the last five years. At first we were just having an amazing time together but once we became head over heels for each other, the relationship turned into one big mind f*ck. I never felt so loved as I do with him and everytime he left me to go home to her, I would get so depressed. It was too many highs and lows, all the time. When we met my heart was so open and now it's shattered and numb from the pain. I'm not sure how ill be sorting that out going forward. 1
LFH Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Of course there has been pain in my life,everyone has pain in their life. But am I broken? Nope. Not even close. My relationship with my MM is healthier than MANY that I see. We have a better and more honest and open relationship than a lot of people have with their "full time" boyfriend or spouses. I do know that life events did make me open to this situation, I don't deny that. If the timeline of events had happened differently I am sure that my perspective and choices may have been different but they aren't. None of us has a time machine and none of us has the ability to change the past. So, you work with what you've got. You're making the assumption that one does have to lie, which I don't. That would violate my own principles. You're also making the assumption that I'm somehow neglecting a marriage of my own, which I'm not. Yes, I'm truly happy. I'm happy and content. My needs are met, I don't feel like I'm settling and my life feels enriched by what I have. He is fully available to me in every way I need. I think maybe it works for me because I don't build my life around my relationship with anyone. My relationship with him adds to my life, it ISN'T my life. I think that's where a lot of women make a mistake. A guy should be part of your life, not the reason for it. 3
Pierre Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 This is easy to say perhaps, but I don't think I had any "issues". I was in no way looking to fall for a married man. I don't like sharing- never did. But we were like magnets and at one point, we were far enough away not to get pulled together but once we got close enough, that was it. We were completely attached and couldn't detach from one another no matter how hard we tried. I'd say I developed issues putting myself through this A for the last five years. At first we were just having an amazing time together but once we became head over heels for each other, the relationship turned into one big mind f*ck. I never felt so loved as I do with him and everytime he left me to go home to her, I would get so depressed. It was too many highs and lows, all the time. When we met my heart was so open and now it's shattered and numb from the pain. I'm not sure how ill be sorting that out going forward. There, the bold part. That is the key!
TaintedLuv Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 There, the bold part. That is the key! Of course it is. Why would I do this to myself if there was no love? Lol. But i wasn't walking around like "omg love me please, anybody!". I dont roll like that.
LadyGrey Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Hi Scarlett5, I've documented my issues all over LS. Anyway, I'm the product of a father who was a serial cheater and a mother who let him cake eat. My father was also an abusive alcoholic and molested me at 14. Ugly stuff, yes! I didn't have the framework for picking the right men or good boundaries. I've got lucky a couple of times, so it was not a total loss, but yes my brokenness did contribute to how I arrived to the place of being an ow. 3
Pierre Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Of course it is. Why would I do this to myself if there was no love? Lol. But i wasn't walking around like "omg love me please, anybody!". I dont roll like that. The part in bold. That is the common denominator. I see this all the time in the forum.
Elfie Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Elfie, I pray you find peace and happiness. I'm so sorry for all you've endured. Thank you xx
Catplates Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 I lost my husband, my home to fire and had no family to turn to for support. I turned to the wrong person . NO, I wasn't messed up before and had a very satisfying peaceful life. Cat.
loredo21 Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 product of divorce from a father who was a serial cheater. I was still in utero when the split finally came. also a product of sexual abuse from a relative ages 9-12. i have started a thread on this before and believe there is a correlation. not an excuse, but perhaps a reason i am so messed up about attention from men.
AnotherRound Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 I don't know, we're human maybe? Everybody's broken. And everybody's been emotionally compromised at some point in their lives. Each person's views and coping mechanisms are different. Surely you don't expect everybody to be like you. Do you? I agree - everyone is broken in some way. I don't think that my "brokenness" in any way led to the affair - of course, the circumstances of mine are a tad different than the "movie idea of an affair", lol. But no, I would have never knowingly entered an A, nor will I ever do so again - nor will I ever stay in one again if I find out later that someone I'm dating is M or in a relationship. So, I'm still the same person - with the same childhood and the same history, and still broken in my own ways - but that isn't what the A was about at all for me. It was about love, and connection, and the fact that exMM and I were good together, period. And no, not just sexually - but intellectually, communication wise, ideal wise, etc. We just - fit. And as far as his brokenness - nah, that's not what it was about for him either I don't think. I will say, his exW is broken in her own ways too. And I will say that the combination of their brokenness may have led to the death of their marriage - but that's speculation on my part, as I believe it did, but couldn't prove it without doing some kind of research on it, which I have no desire to do, lol. In a world of humans, we are all broken in some way. Anyone that says they aren't is being dishonest with themselves - or is unable to see their own brokenness. Interesting topic, but imo, a well spread myth (ie Daddy Issues - which I once thought pertained to me, but now after much introspection realize it wasn't about that at all, but completely separate from it all - but too complicated to go into here, lol).
canuckprincess Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 I believe there must be underlying reasons for one to allow themselves to become the other woman/man. It obviously involves lying to some extent and many painful emotions, depending on the individual situation of course. So have the OW amongst us experienced something in their lives that has caused them to become emotionally compromised? Maybe you have been affected by your parents as individuals, their relationship, or their absence, during those impressionable stages of development when you were younger? Maybe you have suffered some form of abuse? Whatever the scenario, do you think there are underlying reasons for allowing yourself to enter into this situation, and for many, for letting it continue? There are a number of you who have entered into your affair with your eyes open and the situation seems to suit you. You have no desire for your MM to leave his wife. But are you really truly happy? And what is stopping you from either attempting to resolve your marital issues and then leaving if that can't be done, and having some single time, possibly followed by meeting someone who is fully available to you. Surely an emotionally healthy person would do that, and move on from their marriage if there was no going back. I just always wonder if there is something broken inside those of us who choose to partake in an affair - I believe there is. It's a horrendous situation to be in, and even for those it suits, it isn't healthy. Your correct it isn't healthy but it's not as unhealthy as my marriage was. If being in love and being loved is unhealthy, then I'm thrilled to be in an "unhealthy relationship".
underwater2010 Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 According to MOW's BH....she had a really crappy childhood. Cheater/Prostitue mother, sexually abused, raped, and physical abuse. My FWH....Lonely and needed affirmation that he was still a stud. Not every person that cheats has a crappy background and not everyone that has a crappy background cheats. My childhood mirrors the MOW's minus a few things, but I have never cheated and will never. I have great bounderies and don't look for other people oppinions and actions to affirm my worth or lack of worth. 1
Pierre Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 Your correct it isn't healthy but it's not as unhealthy as my marriage was. If being in love and being loved is unhealthy, then I'm thrilled to be in an "unhealthy relationship". See bold: Always the same theme. Women looking for someone to love them and make them happy. The common denominator!
Pierre Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 My childhood mirrors the MOW's minus a few things, but I have never cheated and will never. I have great bounderies and don't look for other people oppinions and actions to affirm my worth or lack of worth. Exactly! Not needing affirmation prevents you from cheating.
White Flower Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 (edited) I believe there must be underlying reasons for one to allow themselves to become the other woman/man. It obviously involves lying to some extent and many painful emotions, depending on the individual situation of course. I disagree that one has to be broken to be involved in an A; however, I do agree there are underlying reasons, or just plain old reasons to be exact. The term "underlying" creates a sense of mystery but there really isn't one if you've looked at all the angles and know yourself pretty well. For me the reason was a perfect storm. My M was over, as most Ms are before the D is filed, and my heart was ready to love again. D was eminent, xMM was there, and more importantly he was the right MM for me, which is to say that I could have had my pick of any MM that had pursued me over the years but I just wasn't that kind of girl (so I thought) until the right man came along, and he happened to be M. Single guys came along too but they weren't right for me. It wasn't predicated on the fact he was M, it was more that it felt perfect with him. I never had to lie, not once. My exH never accused me because as I stated earlier the M was over in our hearts before we got D. xMM? He lied an awful lot but that's on him. See bold: Always the same theme. Women looking for someone to love them and make them happy. The common denominator! I don't know you Pierre, but I will presume that you're human and need love just as anyone else does. If you don't then perhaps you are not human. Forgive me if I am wrong. Btw, I did not go looking for love, it came looking for me. As I stated it was the perfect storm. Oh, and I think I made him happier than he made me. Edited March 10, 2013 by White Flower Typo 2
Catplates Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 Pierre- what rubbish. I agree... how absolutely dreadful if a woman would like to feel loved !!!!! Well excuse me for being human. I would really like to have somebody who cares for me. It's a natural feeling. I'm sure there are some others here who feel the same. Cat. 2
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