kaeno Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Hey, I am new here so be gentle. I am also not a kind of person who likes to share feelings. I have been with me girlfriend for 6 years. I am 26, so is she. We practically never argued. When we had a dispute we usually talked it through and chose what was the best for us. The biggest problem of our relationship was that we had a lot of distance relationship breaks. For the first 6 months we were together, then for a year apart, then she joined me in the city I moved to and we were together for a year, then I moved to different city again for a year. Then I moved back, we lived together for a year and I moved again and she joined me 9 months ago. Now, what has recently happened is that our close friends had a child and somehow I started to think about it. For some time she was saying maybe and finally we had a big talk over Christmas when I said I definitely want a kid within the next 3-5 years. Her answer was 'I know that I do not want one now and I am not sure I will change my mind'. We had few quite weeks. Finally, we had a talk, she told me she wants to move out to find her inner self and find sense of her life. I felt like she broke my hears. After 6 years of common happiness and hard work when we tried to make it work, she says such things. The following day I asked her if she loves me and she said 'I don't know'. This hurt so much. I took it as a breakup. I always thought that you either love someone or not. There is nothing inbetween, not after 6-year relationship. I moved from the bedroom to the couch in living room. The following week I made her say some stories what drives her crazy in me. It looked like she was trying to convince herself to this breakup. Everyday she was telling different story and retracting previous. I know that some of the points she made were real, I am kind of aware of my flaws but I though I had her support in eradicating them. Anyway, after a week of sleeping on a couch I went to her and asked if she wants me to hug her. She replied she didn't want it to happen for weeks. After that something broke in me and the following day I verbally insulted her like nobody before. I know that I overreacted and she knows that too. We both agree now that it was emotions talking but it gave her reason to move out properly (earlier she was very reluctant). Now I see that I should have let her go straight away. It would have been so much easier for both of us. I do hope that this still is the case of G.I.G. and if I had not said things I said she would probably realise the mistake she makes. Now, I don't know it's the case. Now the questions. What do you think I should do? She still lives with me (for another week). Should I just ignore her? We still talk, it is just that, reasonably speaking, there should be no hope. Yet, I still have it. How can I deal with? I think that if she would return within the next few months I would take her back. Problem is that I made it some much worse that she would probably not come back. Should I just leave her alone? Should I set some rules of the breakup? That we will not talk to each other for curtain amount of time? I don't want to be her friend, so I think avoiding her until(if) she reaches out is the best options. There is still a problem of her not wanting children. Life sucks.
misswillow Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 There is still a problem of her not wanting children. Life sucks. I think, regardless of anything else, this is a huge problem. If you want kids, and she doesn't, then you are only prolonging the agony if you stay together. You can't count on her changing her mind, and it's not healthy if one of you gives in on something like that if that's not what your truly want. And I think she has realized this since this seems to be the catalyst for the breakup. So I think you need to let her go, as hard as it may be (trust me, I am going through the awful pain of a breakup as we speak).
creighton0123 Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 What Willow said. It's not necessarily a case of GIGS. It is a relationship problem about a fundamentally big issue. It's not talking about wanting a cat, a dog, or a goldfish. It's not a fight about where to go on vacation. There are some fundamental lifestyle questions that a couple needs to have matching in order to be solid: where to live, when to buy a house, whether to have kids and how many kids to have, etc. etc. It might be painful, but I would take the higher road and be civil to her for the next week. Once she moves out, go no contact.
Author kaeno Posted March 9, 2013 Author Posted March 9, 2013 It might be painful, but I would take the higher road and be civil to her for the next week. Once she moves out, go no contact. This is the plan. I just wonder how to do it. Should I just sit down with her and explained it would be better for both of us that we go NC? How do you stop yourself from actually contacting somebody? I have seen/heard so many stories where people renew their old friendships, carry on with their hobbys etc. The problem is that her friends are also mine, her hobbys were mine. Everything I did over the last 6 year (except for work) to some extend involved her. Finally, in regards to her not wanting children. This is simply an extension of bigger problem she's been having. She does not know what she really wants to do with her life. Just because she does not want children now, does not mean she did not want in the past and does not mean she will not want them in the future. I have always been for her and I supported her in all of her ideas. Unfortunately, her current one - living alone to find sense in life - is beyond me. I will let her go, I have to let her go and I hope she will find happiness. I hope she will define who she wants to be. What hurts the most is the thought that I will not be there to share it with her.
creighton0123 Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Kaeno, You don't have to sit down with her and don't have to consider what will be better for "both of us". It's only you, now. You can tell her to her face, via email, over the phone, etc. that you feel it best, for the time being, that in order for you to properly move on without holding onto any resentment to not contact her for quite some time. As for the children comment.... she is 26 years old. She should bloody well know what she wants out of life when it comes to the big decisions. She needs to grow up and you don't need to hold her hand while she does it. It does suck - moving on - doesn't it? You ultimately know that you will move on while simultaneously wishing you didn't have to. 1
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