Issac Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 We all have one...hers is pretty extensive. She told me this when we started dating and I said that it wouldn't be a problem; the is the past. What I did not know is that I'd have to listen to tales of her adventures (who she has been with, where/how they did it, how good/bad he was, etc.) I try not to let it bother me but this has been going on for about a year now, and she is still friends with some of these guys. Am I right to feel this way or am I being insecure?
Dragonfruit Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 (edited) I would think an overview was nice, it makes you feel like you know someone better when you know about the different aspects of their past. But, yeah, I think all the blow by blows are kind of rude to both you and her past partners and I just never did that "friends with the exes" thing so I guess I don't really get it. What is her point? Trying to remind you that she has a lot of other options and make you jealous, maybe? Or letting you know that she doesn't consider the two of you that serious of a couple? Or just lacking sensitivity? How do you think she would feel if you told her all about your past encounters and were still friends with some of them? Edited March 9, 2013 by Dragonfruit
GSB81 Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 We all have one...hers is pretty extensive. She told me this when we started dating and I said that it wouldn't be a problem; the is the past. What I did not know is that I'd have to listen to tales of her adventures (who she has been with, where/how they did it, how good/bad he was, etc.) I try not to let it bother me but this has been going on for about a year now, and she is still friends with some of these guys. Am I right to feel this way or am I being insecure? I've been in your shoes man. Dated a girl with a wild past, I was honestly ok with it, I have a past too. She didn't keep bringing it up, but I started noticing the same names from the stories started popping up in current activities. It's awkward and in my opinion disrespectful. I refuse to be with a girl who is an ex collector.
aed Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 I have dated girls with wild sexual past. And it mostly never bothers me, yet I do have a problem with the following type of behaviour, some of those girl have: - Women with a female version of the mother/slut complex ( I want my guy to see me as a good and pure women. to make it clear the male version is: I dont want my wife giving me blowjobs because she needs to kiss my kids with those lips. There is a difference!) - women that are promuscuous and have mostly male 'friends', and those male friends are mostly former flings. - Women that brag about their numbers, and think they accomplish something when they get a guy to say yes, to random sexual activities. (yes there are women, that do this!) I would be proud if a girl could tell she had Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp on her list and she brags about that. But just random guys as myself, is nothing to be bragging about, because guys mostly just say yes. I think your girl is acting like women in group number 3. I think she is very insecure because why does she think you need to know all that? What is she trying to compromise?
Darren Steez Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Of course you shouldn't be insecure, especially if she's telling you about the great sex she had with X and X is still texting her and hanging out with her. Nothing wrong with knowing about pasts, but if she's still bringing up stuff a year into a relationship then that's something else. Can you be friends with exs? Is she hanging out with the exs she tells you she had bad sex with..or is she telling you she had bad sex with them in order so you don't feel threatened so she can continue hanging out with them? Conundrum..
Mumbles Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Used to be a big problem for me way back when. I was relatively inexperienced as a very young man and my partners tended not to be ... which is pretty normal. I'd fret about these multitudes of previous lovers but I reckon looking back it was really a form of performance anxiety. Having said that, even now, I don't want to hear a blow by blow. Sure, use your ex boyfriends names when you are telling stories and recounting history, the numbers of boyfriends doesn't (now) bother me in the slightest, but I don't want to know what exotic (or not!) **** you got up to in the bedroom - really not. I want our adventure to be _ours_ not a retelling of a previous tale.
Bryanp Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 How would she feel if you described a blow by blow of your sexual past. She clearly does care how you feel. Hanging out with former flings is bad news. You need to move on.
tbf Posted March 9, 2013 Posted March 9, 2013 Issac, have you ever asked her to STFU about TMI? How crass to discuss details.
Author Issac Posted March 10, 2013 Author Posted March 10, 2013 Thank you all for your input. No, I have not yet told her to STFU because there are times when I feel like she is just saying this stuff to see if I care, and I really resent the use of games or tests as a means of eliciting an emotional reaction from one's partner BUT...it is starting to tick me off . I guess sitting down and discussing it with her would be the best course of action -- either that or moving on.
sayyes19 Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 Thank you all for your input. No, I have not yet told her to STFU because there are times when I feel like she is just saying this stuff to see if I care, and I really resent the use of games or tests as a means of eliciting an emotional reaction from one's partner BUT...it is starting to tick me off . I guess sitting down and discussing it with her would be the best course of action -- either that or moving on. Relationships are so much easier when you can communicate and set parameters. If she can't stfu about this stuff than let her know you are okay leaving the relationship.
Author Issac Posted March 10, 2013 Author Posted March 10, 2013 Relationships are so much easier when you can communicate and set parameters. If she can't stfu about this stuff than let her know you are okay leaving the relationship. Agreed. Communication is important. I just thought it would be common sense that your boyfriend would not want to hear such things. Whatever. I'll sit down with her and we'll talk it out. Thank you.
GSB81 Posted March 10, 2013 Posted March 10, 2013 Agreed. Communication is important. I just thought it would be common sense that your boyfriend would not want to hear such things. Whatever. I'll sit down with her and we'll talk it out. Thank you. Some people don't have common sense, or consideration for others.
nofool4u Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 We all have one...hers is pretty extensive. She told me this when we started dating and I said that it wouldn't be a problem; the is the past. What I did not know is that I'd have to listen to tales of her adventures (who she has been with, where/how they did it, how good/bad he was, etc.) I try not to let it bother me but this has been going on for about a year now, and she is still friends with some of these guys. Am I right to feel this way or am I being insecure? No, you are not being insecure. SHE is being disrespectful. Its one thing to have a past, its another to tell a current bf a blow by blow of that past. Next time she brings it up, just interrupt her and politely say, "Honey, I really don't want to hear about what you did with past boyfriends". If she gets mad at you, then that is your red flag to find someone more respectful.
Chi townD Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 You're right. The past is the past. And you've decided that you can handle her past, because it happened before you. But now, you're in a committed and exclusive relationship. HOWEVER! When she brings her past back up and rubs your face in it isn't cool. You need to talk to her and say in a calm and cool manner say, "Look, I know you have a past and I can see PAST it because I feel that you're worth it. But, I don't need to be reminded that you were with a guy wearing a Princess Leia Golden Bikini and the dude was dressed up as Chewbacca." 1
nofool4u Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 If a gf thought for some stupid reason it was a good idea to tell me about her sexual escapades with another guy and how good it was, I'd open the door and tell her to go get some more of it and never come back.
wheream_i Posted March 11, 2013 Posted March 11, 2013 Issac, have you ever asked her to STFU about TMI? How crass to discuss details. Thank you! Those would pretty much be my exact words as well.
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