I can't get an appropriate title to work

[wantingthebestforus]

So I had to write that. For some reason Help and crush were against community guidelines?

 

Let me put this out there that I DO NOT want to cheat and it's not an option in my book. I'm not here looking for someone to say go ahead and cheat or someone to tell me to get a divorce. I need help re directing my infatuation and could use some advice from those who have been in my shoes.

 

I know it's normal to have little crushes every now and then. We're married but not dead. My problem is my little crush has turned in to a full blown infatuation.

 

I've been with my husband for about 7 years and married for 7 months. Things have been lack luster in our relationship for a few years now. Maybe we shouldn't have got married? Maybe, but that's not the path I chose. I made my bed and now I have to lay in it. I know that we need to work on things as a couple and we should probably enter into some counseling. I know an affair is not the answer and it's not the path I want to travel down.

 

Now onto my problem/temptation. I work with this guy who I've known since I was about 10 years old. He's about 8 years older than me so the age difference was much too large for a relationship until the past couple years to become feasible. I've always had a crush on him and I'm pretty sure he's had a crush on me for some time (not that it matters). Anyway this crush has become increasingly intense over the past month or so and it doesn't help that he flirts relentlessly with me.

 

I feel as though I'm much too close to an emotional affair than I want to be. I haven't done anything that I wouldn't tell my husband so I don't think I've crossed the line yet but I fear I'm much too close. I guess I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm looking for some feedback from people who have been in my situation and how they overcame these "feelings".

 

I can't change my job and would rather not go into details about that and the "crush" is not likely to change jobs anytime soon either. I also don't think it's a very good idea to tell my husband about my feelings at this point BEFORE we get into counseling as it may be too much for him to handle... He's prone to depression and angry outbursts that I fear would be worse for our relationship than better while we work on things.

 

Please, advice or experience?

Edited March 9, 2013 by wantingthebestforus
title

[Bryanp]

Maybe you should ask yourself how you would feel if the roles were reversed? If you really wish to end this then you need to be upfront and honest with your husband. Do you respect your husband and do you really wish to be married to him? If not then you need to tell. This is not just all about you. Good luck.

[Spark1111]

It is normal to be attracted to others, but it is what you do with that attraction that will define your future.

 

In the very best marriages they discuss it and form a plan with boundaries together to keep the marriage strong.

 

imagine that?

[wantingthebestforus]

Thank you for your response. I have been reading the posts in here and it's really helping shed some light on the gravity of the situation. It's strange how while when the "feelings" take over things that you would normally find out out of line seem so "innocent". This forum has definitely helped bring me back down to earth.

 

You're so right "the grass grows greenest where you water it". Instead of putting energy into my fantasies with this coworker/friend I should put into working on our relationship. The question is how to do that when the fantasy gives such a high and working on the relationship is well... work. I don't believe in divorce except for extreme situations like abuse so I'm trying to figure out how I can get that rewarding feeling back. I've been looking for a counselor for a little while now but it's hard to find one that I like. I have gone by myself for a session to test out a couple counselors but have yet to find one that I like. My husband isn't as keen on the subject of a counselor so that's why I'm searching to find one so he doesn't write it off on the first visit.

[wantingthebestforus]

Maybe you should ask yourself how you would feel if the roles were reversed? If you really wish to end this then you need to be upfront and honest with your husband. Do you respect your husband and do you really wish to be married to him? If not then you need to tell. This is not just all about you. Good luck.

 

This is something that I am struggling with. With the reality of our relationship now, part of me thinks it would be a relief if he had an affair. As odd as that sounds it would be a reason to end things because it would be the "easy" way out so to speak. That said, I do not wish to end things and I know it would be devastating if he cheated on me. I know it all sounds hypocritical but I'm willing and wanting to work on things with him. I think our relationship and our vows are worth more than just deciding that I don't want to be with him. I married him for a reason so I think there's more than plenty reason to make it work.

[Eggplant]

Anyway this crush has become increasingly intense over the past month or so and it doesn't help that he flirts relentlessly with me.

Give off cold body language. If every time he flirts, he feels rejected, he will stop.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I can't change my job and would rather not go into details about that and the "crush" is not likely to change jobs anytime soon either. I also don't think it's a very good idea to tell my husband about my feelings at this point BEFORE we get into counseling as it may be too much for him to handle... He's prone to depression and angry outbursts that I fear would be worse for our relationship than better while we work on things.

Please, advice or experience?

 

First, I highly respect the fact that you came here for advice. I think it's proof positive that you are a good person at heart!

 

Now, the way I see it you have two separate problems and you must deal with each.

 

First, your relationship is sucking. Do you know what is causing the problem? Do you have a strategy for fixing it? Or is it just as simple as the 7 year itch? Keep in mind that fixing your relationship is near impossible when you are obsessing on someone else.

 

Second, your crush is not only giving you massive amounts of attention, but also flirting with you. That needs to stop. I understand you can't leave, and he can't leave.... but I don't think either one of you have to. I think you need to ask him to stop... tell him that it is now making you uncomfortable. If he doesn't stop after that give him one more opportunity with the threat of HR. I doubt you will have to go that far. I bet he respects you and your marriage enough to back off for a while and let you get your head straight.

 

Does that sound like some advice that may work for your situation?

[wantingthebestforus]

First, I highly respect the fact that you came here for advice. I think it's proof positive that you are a good person at heart!

 

Now, the way I see it you have two separate problems and you must deal with each.

 

First, your relationship is sucking. Do you know what is causing the problem? Do you have a strategy for fixing it? Or is it just as simple as the 7 year itch? Keep in mind that fixing your relationship is near impossible when you are obsessing on someone else.

 

Second, your crush is not only giving you massive amounts of attention, but also flirting with you. That needs to stop. I understand you can't leave, and he can't leave.... but I don't think either one of you have to. I think you need to ask him to stop... tell him that it is now making you uncomfortable. If he doesn't stop after that give him one more opportunity with the threat of HR. I doubt you will have to go that far. I bet he respects you and your marriage enough to back off for a while and let you get your head straight.

 

Does that sound like some advice that may work for your situation?

 

Yes, I think think I know why our relationship is sucking. I've tried fixing it without outside help only to find any effort was given for a day or two and then forgot about. I am positive that counseling is our only hope at this point.

 

My problem with telling my crush to stop is that he is my friend first before a crush. I don't want to damage our friendship but I know that my marriage comes first. I don't want to make the situation uncomfortable. I guess how do you tell him to stop without making it awkward? Also, he's naturally flirtatious so telling him to stop would just be weird in general. Even though I know he's more flirtatious with me how would you word it to someone without eluding to a mutual attraction? That's the last thing I want is him to know that I'm really attracted to him.

[Dragonfruit]

My thoughts, first, if it is at all possible to change jobs, then do it. "Can't" is relative. Otherwise, stop all the playful stuff, emotional sharing, etcetera, with the guy at work. I mean shut it down cold and now because you are well on your way to an affair. This is how it starts. Imo, you are playing with fire. If it's awkward to shut off guy at work or what he thinks of it doesn't matter, because he shouldn't matter. If you're serious about your marriage, you will simply become very busy and unavailable at work and completely detach from whatever he may make of it.

 

Second, think of everything you would do for that guy at the office, who by the way, probably only seems so delicious to you right now because of the lack at home, not because he really is. People don't generally suddenly become delicious after several years of knowing them and I had crushes on guys eight years older than me when I was five years old so, nah...

 

New clothes, hairdo, candle light dinner, weekends away, wild sex in the garage, etc.? Take every single idea like that that you have had about office guy home and do it with your husband. Don't forget to bring the same passion. Light a candle, buy a bottle of wine, go through the photo album. Get reconnected. When thoughts go to office guy, switch them to husband and spend your daydreaming time coming up with special romantic and sexual treats for him instead.

 

Marriages get stale because BOTH partners get overconfident about putting the love/sex relationship with their partner on the back burner imo and over time nothing in, nothing out, right? Take that hot sexual energy home and smother your spouse with it and don't be surprised if it comes back to you and things wake up at home.

 

If it's been dead for awhile, it won't happen overnight, so stick with it. Remember, you also let it lapse, right? Pretend he is your boyfriend, not your husband Remember what that was like and do it. That is my advice. Good luck to you.

Edited March 9, 2013 by Dragonfruit

[wantingthebestforus]

My thoughts, first, if it is at all possible to change jobs, then do it. "Can't" is relative. Otherwise, stop all the playful stuff, emotional sharing, etcetera, with the guy at work. I mean shut it down cold and now because you are well on your way to an affair. This is how it starts. Imo, you are playing with fire. If it's awkward to shut off guy at work or what he thinks of it doesn't matter, because he shouldn't matter. Whatever you do, do not explain to him that it is because of your feelings for him. If you're serious about your marriage, you will simply become very busy and unavailable at work and completely detach from whatever he may make of it.

 

Second, think of everything you would do for that guy at the office, who by the way, probably only seems so delicious to you right now because of the lack at home, not because he really is. People don't generally suddenly become delicious after several years of knowing them and well gee, I had crushes on guys eight years older than me when I was five years old so, nah...

 

New clothes, hairdo, candle light dinner, weekends away, wild sex in the garage, etc.? Take every single idea like that that you have had about office guy home and do it with your husband. Don't forget to bring the same passion.

 

Marriages get stale because BOTH partners get overconfident about putting the love/sex relationship with their partner on the back burner imo and over time nothing in, nothing out, right? Take that hot sexual energy home and smother your spouse with it and don't be surprised if it comes back to you and things wake up at home.

 

If it's been dead for awhile, it won't happen overnight, so stick with it. Remember, you also let it lapse, right? Pretend he is your boyfriend, not your husband Remember what that was like and do it. That is my advice. Good luck to you.

 

Thank you. The whole pretend that he's my boyfriend is something I've tried without much luck because... well I suppose it's not easy to do and it takes time like a relationship does. I've read relationship books and started doing so before we got married which ultimately made me stay. However, as much reading as I've done and trying to implement strategies I can't make him try.

 

I think our biggest struggle is sex. He was my first boyfriend and first sexual partner. I always was out to please him and never cared about my own satisfaction. So, I was never satisfied. I know that's my fault because I didn't properly assert my needs. That's what I've been trying to change in our relationship. I'm pretty sure that my lack of satisfaction is a huge motivator in my problem. We have had discussions on the subject and it always seems to get better for a day or two and then stops. This is why I know counseling is very important.

 

I know my fantasies aren't based on reality and I know changing partners won't change my problem with asserting my needs. Wow... this is nice... I'm verbalizing the problem. Thank you everyone. This is really helping realize the problem and it's really giving me the truth I need to start rebuilding our relationship. I suppose instead of verbalizing my needs occasionally I need to start doing it regularly.

[Dragonfruit]

That's great, Wanting. And marriage counseling definitely sounds like a brilliant idea.

 

My husband and I were on the brink of divorce once. After months to years of deadness we got in a giant fight and I slapped him silly, then ripped his clothes off and it was so hot I worried I had lost my mind. LOL, that broke the ice. We, too, got together young and had no clue (but thought we knew it all, naturally). I feel like if it was there once, it can likely come back. We went to MC for a few months after that and it worked. These days he really is my boyfriend to me, I am not pretending. I see what you mean though, just going through the motions if you don't feel it isn't it, right? One thing the counselor said, "When did you two stop taking care of each other?" It still breaks my heart. That young thing with sex and changing needs later also sounds very familiar. Best wishes.

Edited March 9, 2013 by Dragonfruit

[wantingthebestforus]

That's great, Wanting. And marriage counseling definitely sounds like a brilliant idea.

 

My husband and I were on the brink of divorce once. After months to years of deadness we got in a giant fight and I slapped him silly, then ripped his clothes off and it was so hot I worried I had lost my mind. LOL, that broke the ice. We, too, got together young and had no clue (but thought we knew it all, naturally). I feel like if it was there once, it can likely come back. We went to MC for a few months after that and it worked. These days he really is my boyfriend to me, I am not pretending. I see what you mean though, just going through the motions if you don't feel it isn't it, right? One thing the counselor said, "When did you two stop taking care of each other?" It still breaks my heart. That young thing with sex and changing needs later also sounds very familiar. Best wishes.

 

 

The bolded part is a fantasy of mine, make up sex but we don't fight we disagree. I think maybe us being more honest with each other will help bring out passion. We definitely have things to work on and I appreciate hearing your experience. Thank you.

[BetrayedH]

You're getting some very good advice here.

 

I agree that the grass is greener where you water it. My suggestion mirrors one you've already received. Everytime you find yourself entertaining thoughts of the other man, envision a stop sign and force yourself to stop. Think about how doing anything with this guy will ruin your marriage. Then spend the next 5 minutes determining something special your will do for your husband today.

 

I also agree wholeheartedly with the NEED for marriage counseling. Married couples have a habit of taking each other for granted and putting the relationship on the back burner. It's normal to have it happen. And just because he hasn't recognized it as fast as you doesn't mean he doesn't care. He simply doesn't know he should have a sense of urgency about this. If he truly knew how much his marriage was at risk right now, he would probably move mountains to stop that from happening. You've come to the realization sooner and yep, you need to get brutally honest.

 

You also need to make some serious decisions about boundaries with men. No conversations about your marriage/personal life. No discussions of sex. These things are reserved for your husband. When another man enters into this zone, you shut it down and shut it down immediately. Things with your friend may be "weird" or "awkward?" Honestly, I don't freaking care. Get over it. Protect your marriage. You shouldn't have friendships with men that are so close you care more about them being awkward than the threat to your marriage. Which one will you protect? You don't have to be rude to the guy. But you do need to ask him to respect that you are reinvesting in your marriage and making a point to have boundaries with men that include not flirting. I don't at all mean to be rude (seriously) but you need to make a serious change in your behaviors. Married people should not act/flirt like they are single.

 

I also second what some others have said which is praising you for coming here to get counsel before you cheat. Keep reading and keep investing in that marriage of yours.